Looking for advice and support

[Luna23]

New to the group and looking to talk with people that can relate to my situation.  My relationship with my mother is hanging on by a thread.  I have been dealing with her mental health issues my whole life, but the last several years have been particularly hard.  She is 77 and has been in and out of mental health facilities, been arrested and she turns to alcohol when the pain gets too much for her to bear.  She displays literally every symptom of BPD, but I do not know if she has been diagnosed with it - she does not share anything regarding her diagnosis/treatment with myself or my brother nor does she does stick with any prescribed outpatient treatment plan.  Her treatment has been spotty at best.  I myself have sought therapy in the past and currently to help manage my anxiety that is caused by her intense emotions.  She displays the classic paranoia, anger and fear of abandonment. She lashes out at me and says the most awful, vile things.  I have been reading up on BPD and am trying to find better ways to deal with this situation.  I have set boundaries, but i admit that i have broken them even though I KNOW that it does no good to try to reason with her and that it inevitably escalates the conversation to an argument.  I am finding it very difficult to try and maintain any sort of relationship with her.  Any advice or tips would be much appreciated.  Just want to talk with people that understand.

[TelHill]

Hello Luna23. Welcome!  

That's very rough. Sorry this is happening.

My mom was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago but she's had it all my life.  She refuses to get treatment. I'm her daughter.

She's verbally, emotionally and physically abusive.  If it weren't for my dad stopping her from learning to drive and get a job outside the home, she would be on the same trajectory as your mother. She has no filter to her actions.

I don't know where you are writing from and laws on this vary. In the US, where I live, you can have someone declared legally incompetent if they are unable to manage their own affairs through mental illness or disability. You could force her to be committed to a psychiatric hospital for inpatient care if she has this designation.  The government may take care of all or part of the costs.

 I don't know how high or low the bar is set for that. I never went that route with my mother. I know a few posters here have.

At this stage, you cannot force your mother to do anything. I know it's upsetting. I have a very limited relationship with mine due to her abuse taking a steep toll on my mental health.  

I try to remain calm and collected the one time per week I see her. I don't feed any drama or trouble she tries to create by goading me. I nod slowly and acknowledge that this is too bad or I'm sorry. It's called gray rocking, a communication tool to use with difficult people.

My mother dysregulates to discharge the immense stress and lack of self people with BPD generally have.  It never goes away no matter what I do. I try to protect myself to make sure I don't fall into the Karpman Triangle which is a not too healthy communication style based on the imbalance a mentally ill family member causes to the family system. There are lots of other resources on this site to help you cope and decide upon what is right for you --articles and suggested books.

Therapy has helped me with many aspects of my mother's issues. I meditate which helps calm me down quite a bit too.

 Am not sure about your other family members such as father or other siblings besides your brother.  Are there others in your immediate family who acknowledge there are issues with your mother? That can help a lot.

[Luna23]

TelHill,
Thanks for responding.  Mom and Dad are in TX.  I'm on west coast, my brother is on east coast.  My brother and father are well aware of her mental health issues.  My brother doesn't communicate with her at all.  I chose to leave the door open so to speak.  Now I'm wondering if that was the right choice.  Up until a few days ago I had stuck to my boundaries, but slipped after another one of her tirades.  In one conversation I went from being a good daughter who gave good advice to being ugly and worthless and many other things that I won't get into.  I have developed a pretty thick skin, but every now and then it gets to me.  This time happened to be when I was already dealing with some anxiety regarding a work situation and just when the relief of having that pretty much reolved set in...BAM!  She's back with a vengeance! I still maintain a relationship with my father as much as I can, but he's 86 and I doubt if things escalate with her again, that he will even have the energy or the know-how to take legal channels.  In the past he calls the police, they drag her out kicking and screaming, she gets admitted to a mental health facility and they punt her out the door after 7-10 days.  Its a vicious cycle and the distance between all of us makes it even more challenging to deal with.

[TelHill]

Luna, You may want to set another boundary for when you feel out of sorts that you won't respond until you feel better.  It doesn't help you or her to have one drowning person, your mom, pull you down.

It sounds like she is elderly if your dad is 86. It might be easier on your father if your mom transitioned to a nursing home.  Does she have decreased cognitive abilities? Dementia care may be the way to go. Or occasional  help for senior caregivers (your dad) of the mentally ill if mom continues to live at home? It may relieve the stress dad is under.

You may have looked into this already but I would suggest a 12 step program like Al-Anon or ACA. I bet there are meeting attendees who have senior loved ones with alcohol dependency issues. There is no such thing as too much support when you have a close family member with BPD.