4 months out - improvements & setbacks

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am 4 months post breakup with what feels like it was the final breakup.  She did contact me 3 months ago wanting to reconcile, we exchanged a few emails that ended up with her saying we are done forever.   Honestly, I don't really know what happened so I just gave up on trying to understand it.  It was really hard for me to just throw my hands up in the air and give up, every long term relationship I had, we always sat down at the end and tried to give each other closure.   With BPD it is never like that, the more you try to achieve closure, the more confused you end up being in the end.   I have been monitoring a few things to gage my overall improvement:

Ruminations (50% recovered) - They were really intense when she and I first broke up.   In fact, in one of our previous breakups they were so intense at one point I doubled over in pain on the street when I was walking to my office.   I haven't experienced that level of pain in many months, but the ruminations are frequent (I have some every day) but the most painful are around half the level of pain as before.

Sleep (70% recovered) - I was doing really well on sleep a month ago, the past month hasn't been as good due to other factors (its hot and noisy where I am staying this month) but I haven't had anymore dreams of her that I remember, and I haven't woken up ruminating about her first thing in the morning either.   I remember when she and I were still together I would be up in the middle of the night with crippling anxiety and ruminations.   I have forgotten what a relief it is to be free of those countless sleepless nights I had when I was together with her.   I don't think I got a good night of sleep the entire 1.5 years she and I were together, so to have any sleep at all is an absolute gift.

Connections with other women (60% recovered) - Last month I noticed I had finally been able to connect with other women.   There was one who I met after my ex and I broke up and, at the time, I could barely stomach being around her.  The pain and comparisons between her and my ex was just too fresh.   I don't see long-term potential with her for a number of reasons, but we see each other once every week or two and I genuinely enjoy her company now.   I also have been able to develop attraction for other women a lot more easily, couldn't do that at all right after the breakup.

Anxiety (100% recovered) - As my baseline I am not a very anxious person.   When I was with my BPD, my anxiety was constantly off the charts.   It took a few months to return back to my previous baseline.

Depression & Motivation (80% recovered) - I am in about the same place as a month ago.  Its slightly easier to get started in the mornings and I've been doing meditations, breathwork, cold showers, and going to the gym 7 days per week.   I am still not where I want to be overall with depression, but I would say I'm pretty close to where I was before I met my ex.   I was always prone to depression so there is still a lot more room for improvement here.

Overall (50% recovered) - Overall feels like I am around the 50% mark, so it could be around 8-12 months total from the time of breakup to make a full recovery.  Obviously it is impossible to know this for sure, I am just basing this on keeping records, which I do every day, and also I've dealt with 2 previous BPD breakups.   In the last breakup it was the ruminations that held on the longest, it seems like that is true this time as well.

[capecodling]

I am 4 months post breakup with what feels like it was the final breakup.  She did contact me 3 months ago wanting to reconcile, we exchanged a few emails that ended up with her saying we are done forever.   Honestly, I don't really know what happened so I just gave up on trying to understand it.  It was really hard for me to just throw my hands up in the air and give up, every long term relationship I had, we always sat down at the end and tried to give each other closure.   With BPD it is never like that, the more you try to achieve closure, the more confused you end up being in the end.   I have been monitoring a few things to gage my overall improvement:

Ruminations (50% recovered) - They were really intense when she and I first broke up.   In fact, in one of our previous breakups they were so intense at one point I doubled over in pain on the street when I was walking to my office.   I haven't experienced that level of pain in many months, but the ruminations are frequent (I have some every day) but the most painful are around half the level of pain as before.

Sleep (70% recovered) - I was doing really well on sleep a month ago, the past month hasn't been as good due to other factors (its hot and noisy where I am staying this month) but I haven't had anymore dreams of her that I remember, and I haven't woken up ruminating about her first thing in the morning either.   I remember when she and I were still together I would be up in the middle of the night with crippling anxiety and ruminations.   I have forgotten what a relief it is to be free of those countless sleepless nights I had when I was together with her.   I don't think I got a good night of sleep the entire 1.5 years she and I were together, so to have any sleep at all is an absolute gift.

Connections with other women (60% recovered) - Last month I noticed I had finally been able to connect with other women.   There was one who I met after my ex and I broke up and, at the time, I could barely stomach being around her.  The pain and comparisons between her and my ex was just too fresh.   I don't see long-term potential with her for a number of reasons, but we see each other once every week or two and I genuinely enjoy her company now.   I also have been able to develop attraction for other women a lot more easily, couldn't do that at all right after the breakup.

Anxiety (100% recovered) - As my baseline I am not a very anxious person.   When I was with my BPD, my anxiety was constantly off the charts.   It took a few months to return back to my previous baseline.

Depression & Motivation (80% recovered) - I am in about the same place as a month ago.  Its slightly easier to get started in the mornings and I've been doing meditations, breathwork, cold showers, and going to the gym 7 days per week.   I am still not where I want to be overall with depression, but I would say I'm pretty close to where I was before I met my ex.   I was always prone to depression so there is still a lot more room for improvement here.

Overall (50% recovered) - Overall feels like I am around the 50% mark, so it could be around 8-12 months total from the time of breakup to make a full recovery.  Obviously it is impossible to know this for sure, I am just basing this on keeping records, which I do every day, and also I've dealt with 2 previous BPD breakups.   In the last breakup it was the ruminations that held on the longest, it seems like that is true this time as well.

[Augustine]

Ah, yes, I understand your predicament fully now.

You hadn’t entered the grim stage where you can finish each other’s sentences long before the conversation begins, and when your partner’s less charitable personal habits are like a belt sander on your nerves.

Yes, this is a hard slog, but I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit.  If you can scorch those ruminations, you’ll soon be singing, Top Hat, White Tie, and Tails and dancing like Fred Astaire.

Getting rid of the ruminations was 90% of the battle in my case…and I would imagine that this complaint is universal in making a recovery.

It’s like Alexander and the Gordian Knot, and when you find your unique solution, it’s liberatingly quick.

For me, it was like a dam suddenly burst three weeks ago, and I feel drained of all those poisonous memories.

I believe that you’ll get there too, and sooner than anticipated, as the process requires a good degree of introspection, and your self awareness is something to behold. 

[capecodling]

For me, it was like a dam suddenly burst three weeks ago, and I feel drained of all those poisonous memories.

I believe that you’ll get there too, and sooner than anticipated, as the process requires a good degree of introspection, and your self awareness is something to behold.  

Thank you for your feedback on self awareness.  For some reason early on my instincts told me i was being gaslit, before i knew I was, so it became very important to keep honest records about what I was feeling and experiencing at each stage of the process with her.

What do you think led to the damn of ruminations finally bursting all at once, as you explained above?  What made them finally stop for you after (was it 3-4 ‘months) post breakup?

[capecodling]

I also just passed her birthday from which ai felt a lot of pressure to reach out to her but didn’t end up doing it.  I felt like another stage of disconnection, as birthdays and holidays had previously been used by her to initiate recycle attempts.  It feels lousy that we can’t even have cordial birthday exchanges, the relationship was just too toxic.  Its a shame, I’m not used to having to cut someone out of my life completely like this with NC.  

I also think there should be another category above where I assess my work performance each month, because my professional focus has been somewhat lacking, at least in part because of this breakup.  I can’t blame it all on the breakup, I had just been overworking myself for so many years I think part of my lack of focus at work is just burnout from overworking, not because of the BPD breakup, though certainly some of my motivation problems are from the breakup.

Has anyone else run into either of these issues? (birthdays being difficult post breakup or lacking work motivation?)

[Augustine]

Thank you for your feedback on self awareness.  For some reason early on my instincts told me i was being gaslit, before i knew I was, so it became very important to keep honest records about what I was feeling and experiencing at each stage of the process with her.

What do you think led to the damn of ruminations finally bursting all at once, as you explained above?  What made them finally stop for you after (was it 3-4 ‘months) post breakup?

It was due to a combination of several factors, but principally it was the legal definition of an Act of God, combined with the DSM diagnostic criteria.

Nietzsche’s thoughts on nature are analogous with borderline experiences, as both are rooted identically.

“…boundlessly extravagant, boundlessly indifferent, without purpose or consideration, without pity or justice, at once fruitful and barren and uncertain: imagine to yourselves indifference as a power — how could you live in accordance with such indifference?”

…and the first prescriptive of an Act of God

- which involves no human agency

Someone with no stable sense of self-identity, someone who has to continuously distort and deny reality, someone so immured by a debilitating mental disorder that they are unable to integrate normatively on an intimate sociological  level cannot, ipso facto, be in possession of agency in any legitimate sense.

In the final two years, when she thought I was safely out of earshot, I caught a glimpse of who she really was on a couple of occasions. She was whispering the most vile abuse to herself:

“You’re just a fuc*ing useless cu*t, just a useless fu*ing cu*t, just a fuc*ing cu*t…”

And it went on, and on, and on, and on…

Then when she spilt, there was that dissociative stare of such penetratingly icy malevolence that it could be seen in my peripheral vision.  Never in my entire existence have I seen anything as horrifying in my life, and this isn’t some crass hyperbole.

There were many other inculpatory factors as well, but they are all tiresomely banal, as we’ve all been subject to similar abhorrent behaviours.

It brought to mind another quote:

“Life is that mysterious arrangement of merciless logic for a futile purpose.”

This is a long way of expressing that you and I never had a bona fide relationship; we had a relationship with a disorder.  

In order to have a relationship with them, unequivocally, we would have had to share equally in the madness, which is impossible.

There was no relationship. I keep referring to her as an “apparition” or “spectre” with my understanding of her just as ephemeral.

Everything that she was, was a product of me superimposing an ideal onto an apparition.

Who is she?
 
A consequence of nature, and Acts of God.

[Augustine]

I also just passed her birthday from which ai felt a lot of pressure to reach out to her but didn’t end up doing it.  I felt like another stage of disconnection, as birthdays and holidays had previously been used by her to initiate recycle attempts.  It feels lousy that we can’t even have cordial birthday exchanges, the relationship was just too toxic.  Its a shame, I’m not used to having to cut someone out of my life completely like this with NC.

It’s the same with me.  

She was right in the dangerous quadrant of Hurricane Lee when it passed over southern Nova Scotia last weekend.

I was concerned for her welfare, and did peek into her socials just briefly.

She was fine.  They’re always fine.

Notwithstanding their debilitating personality disorder.

I also think there should be another category above where I assess my work performance each month, because my professional focus has been somewhat lacking, at least in part because of this breakup.  I can’t blame it all on the breakup, I had just been overworking myself for so many years I think part of my lack of focus at work is just burnout from overworking, not because of the BPD breakup, though certainly some of my motivation problems are from the breakup.

Has anyone else run into either of these issues? (birthdays being difficult post breakup or lacking work motivation?)

Yes. I was with her for eight years, so those points on the calendar (birthday, etc) are grafted onto my circadian rhythm’s.

 Woe betide if on any of those dates I wasn’t spearheading a marching band, twirling a baton, as they belted out the “Washington Post March” with the house decked-out in bunting.

The high point of my day is watching the sparrows at the feeder in the mornings when I’m outside with a coffee.  In other words, even though I ended my relationship, and I’m functional again, our lives can’t help but be tainted by the experience for a long time afterwards.

[Augustine]

I should add an explanatory side note, if anyone is interested.

I can’t get around what happened afterwards.

Getting drunk, breaking up with her, her calling the police, three police cars arriving anticipating gore splattered walls only to find a bemused middle-aged drunken man…that’s all as may be, but then I left.

Regarding the above, we were guests of my x’s friend (she was a past life regression therapist, and believed she was Guinevere in a past life.  As a consequence, the husband was blind drunk by 2pm every day, naturally. You know, normal friends of a borderline).

The largest forest fire in Nova Scotia’s history had been making its way towards our property, so when the evacuation order arrived, we were invited over to Mrs. Normal’s house.

Three nuts under one roof, and four of us drunk, didn’t make for a harmonious blend, hence the alcohol infused fallout, and subsequent breakup.

After the police departed, so did I, spending the balance of the early morning hours walking the 17km back to our property, drunk, and bushwhacking large portions of the journey to bypass the police barricades. 

The entire district had been evacuated, so I was definitely on my own. The entire southern sky was a brilliant crimson red from the fire just a few kilometres away from our house now.

This is where I am stuck in my mind.

During the day, visibility was reduced to a few hundred meters, and ash fell like snow from the sky. In the evenings, I’d climb up onto the roof of the house with a bottle, mesmerized by the glowing horizon, and the incredible din of the fire.

The power had been cut, so the evenings were spent under the light of an oil lamp, reflecting on all the ensuing insanity. 

I don’t know why, but at the time the house became my proverbial hill.

I had cleared an acre beside our house the year before, so it was a substantial fire break.  Whether or not it was up to the task remained to be seen, but I cleared another area by chainsaw in front of the house over the coming days just in case.

So, that’s where I’m mentally stuck. In a powerless house in the path of a forest fire, in an evacuated district, with the nearest friendly face 6000km away, dealing with the emotional scarring of a false domestic abuse allegation, and reflecting on the wasted investment of eight years in my partner. 

Never in my life have I ever felt as alone.

Yes, the fire ended. Torrential rains appeared with the fire only 800 meters away. Quite miraculous. 

And then whatever couldn’t fit into a small backpack was left behind. I really couldn’t have given a watery fart about anything at that stage.

Days later and I was waiting for my flight to Vancouver at the Halifax international airport. 

A couple of days later, and I was in British Columbia’s southern gulf islands, swaying at anchor on a friend’s sailboat, and relaying my story to him over a whiskey. 

Thank God for good friends.

[Collaguazo]

I also just passed her birthday from which ai felt a lot of pressure to reach out to her but didn’t end up doing it.  I felt like another stage of disconnection, as birthdays and holidays had previously been used by her to initiate recycle attempts.  It feels lousy that we can’t even have cordial birthday exchanges, the relationship was just too toxic.  Its a shame, I’m not used to having to cut someone out of my life completely like this with NC. 

I also think there should be another category above where I assess my work performance each month, because my professional focus has been somewhat lacking, at least in part because of this breakup.  I can’t blame it all on the breakup, I had just been overworking myself for so many years I think part of my lack of focus at work is just burnout from overworking, not because of the BPD breakup, though certainly some of my motivation problems are from the breakup.

Has anyone else run into either of these issues? (birthdays being difficult post breakup or lacking work motivation?)

I tried to cut her off completely after my first breakup and it felt terrible. I was consumed by guilt.

The last break up followed a similar pattern of the previous one. She got upset, blocked me and a week later got an email apologizing and wanting to get back together. I didn’t respond so naturally the next day I got another one saying how horrible I am, etc, etc. Only this time I decided to pick up the phone and call her and try to have a proper goodbye.

I told her that I still love her and it’s very hard for me to end things but that I feel we both did our best and this relationship it’s simply not working.

It felt liberating, being able to confront her and stick to my guns despite her attempts to convince me otherwise. I still think about her and miss her but that feeling of guilt is gone.

I have been able to focus on my work and my motivation levels are getting higher. After the first breakup, I could barely get out of bed.

I know her niece is having major surgery in a month but I am still conflicted whether to contact her to ask how it went or not.

[capecodling]

I tried to cut her off completely after my first breakup and it felt terrible. I was consumed by guilt.

The last break up followed a similar pattern of the previous one. She got upset, blocked me and a week later got an email apologizing and wanting to get back together. I didn’t respond so naturally the next day I got another one saying how horrible I am, etc, etc. Only this time I decided to pick up the phone and call her and try to have a proper goodbye.

I told her that I still love her and it’s very hard for me to end things but that I feel we both did our best and this relationship it’s simply not working.

It felt liberating, being able to confront her and stick to my guns despite her attempts to convince me otherwise. I still think about her and miss her but that feeling of guilt is gone.

I have been able to focus on my work and my motivation levels are getting higher. After the first breakup, I could barely get out of bed.

I know her niece is having major surgery in a month but I am still conflicted whether to contact her to ask how it went or not.

What you described is almost exactly how my final breakup went.  First few breakups, I let her recycle me back.  Then I broke up with her but was wracked by guilt for months and got back together with her.  Then final breakup was mutual, she tried to recycle, I refused so she did a final paint black.  I still can’t really tell you what exactly happened, it was so confusing.   At first I was crushed, but realized that most of the guilt which had been there in previous breakups was gone.  I felt like even though I missed her (and still do miss her) at least now I was clear on the fact this was a toxic relationship which I should not be in.    How long has it been since your breakup?

[capecodling]

I should add an explanatory side note, if anyone is interested.

I can’t get around what happened afterwards.

Getting drunk, breaking up with her, her calling the police, three police cars arriving anticipating gore splattered walls only to find a bemused middle-aged drunken man…that’s all as may be, but then I left.

Regarding the above, we were guests of my x’s friend (she was a past life regression therapist, and believed she was Guinevere in a past life.  As a consequence, the husband was blind drunk by 2pm every day, naturally. You know, normal friends of a borderline).

The largest forest fire in Nova Scotia’s history had been making its way towards our property, so when the evacuation order arrived, we were invited over to Mrs. Normal’s house.

Three nuts under one roof, and four of us drunk, didn’t make for a harmonious blend, hence the alcohol infused fallout, and subsequent breakup.

After the police departed, so did I, spending the balance of the early morning hours walking the 17km back to our property, drunk, and bushwhacking large portions of the journey to bypass the police barricades.  

The entire district had been evacuated, so I was definitely on my own. The entire southern sky was a brilliant crimson red from the fire just a few kilometres away from our house now.

This is where I am stuck in my mind.

During the day, visibility was reduced to a few hundred meters, and ash fell like snow from the sky. In the evenings, I’d climb up onto the roof of the house with a bottle, mesmerized by the glowing horizon, and the incredible din of the fire.

The power had been cut, so the evenings were spent under the light of an oil lamp, reflecting on all the ensuing insanity.  

I don’t know why, but at the time the house became my proverbial hill.

I had cleared an acre beside our house the year before, so it was a substantial fire break.  Whether or not it was up to the task remained to be seen, but I cleared another area by chainsaw in front of the house over the coming days just in case.

So, that’s where I’m mentally stuck. In a powerless house in the path of a forest fire, in an evacuated district, with the nearest friendly face 6000km away, dealing with the emotional scarring of a false domestic abuse allegation, and reflecting on the wasted investment of eight years in my partner.  

Never in my life have I ever felt as alone.

Yes, the fire ended. Torrential rains appeared with the fire only 800 meters away. Quite miraculous.  

And then whatever couldn’t fit into a small backpack was left behind. I really couldn’t have given a watery fart about anything at that stage.

Days later and I was waiting for my flight to Vancouver at the Halifax international airport.  

A couple of days later, and I was in British Columbia’s southern gulf islands, swaying at anchor on a friend’s sailboat, and relaying my story to him over a whiskey.  

Thank God for good friends.

This entire story was absolutely spectacular!  Thank you for sharing.  I really felt like I was there.   It seems like the thing you continue to struggle with is more all the time and shared history you invested with your ex.  I hear you sort of worrying over the 8 years wondering if you crossed some critical amount of time with a BPD or perhaps you feel like you just invested too much time with her and wish you could have some of those 8 years back.

Did you consider that *perhaps* she did you one favor that you’re unlikely to be trapped by another BPD woman and lose even more time (or your freedom, money, health, life, etc?). I try to find reason to thank my BPD for the lessons and defenses I have now.   If an especially vicious one like my most recent ex had gotten to me earlier in my life journey, I probably would not be here to write this message.  

Google pictures of Anthony Bordain’s girlfriend he was with when he committed suicide.  She just has that “look” of a BPD, I’d eat my boots if she’s not one.  In some of the pictures its so obvious to me, it makes me go to some pretty out there places about what BPD may actually be, beyond just a horrifying mental illness.   If you DM me I’ll share some of the pictures I found where you can literally see the inner BPD demon lurking there.

She (Bordain’s ex) also had a look (and even similar tattoos) that were so similar to one of my exes with BPD, when I first saw the  pictures I thought it actually was her. Obviously it wasn’t but she looked like she could have been her sister or a best friend, and BPDs do over the top things like get matching tattoos or try to style themselves identically to their “new” best friend.  

[Augustine]

This entire story was absolutely spectacular!  Thank you for sharing.  I really felt like I was there.   It seems like the thing you continue to struggle with is more all the time and shared history you invested with your ex.  I hear you sort of worrying over the 8 years wondering if you crossed some critical amount of time with a BPD or perhaps you feel like you just invested too much time with her and wish you could have some of those 8 years back.

Did you consider that *perhaps* she did you one favor that you’re unlikely to be trapped by another BPD woman and lose even more time (or your freedom, money, health, life, etc?). I try to find reason to thank my BPD for the lessons and defenses I have now.   If an especially vicious one like my most recent ex had gotten to me earlier in my life journey, I probably would not be here to write this message.  

Google pictures of Anthony Bordain’s girlfriend he was with when he committed suicide.  She just has that “look” of a BPD, I’d eat my boots if she’s not one.  In some of the pictures its so obvious to me, it makes me go to some pretty out there places about what BPD may actually be, beyond just a horrifying mental illness.   If you DM me I’ll share some of the pictures I found where you can literally see the inner BPD demon lurking there.

She (Bordain’s ex) also had a look (and even similar tattoos) that were so similar to one of my exes with BPD, when I first saw the  pictures I thought it actually was her. Obviously it wasn’t but she looked like she could have been her sister or a best friend, and BPDs do over the top things like get matching tattoos or try to style themselves identically to their “new” best friend.  

Thanks for listening.

Yes, you’re correct: now that I’ve become a borderline maven, I will never come to relational harm again. I think this applies to both of us.

Unfortunately, this might be a moot point, because like many others who’ve had a rough go, my next (and potentially last) companion is likely to be a dog.

Ah yes, there’s no disputing that inimitable borderline look. Elizabeth Holmes, and Alissa Heinerscheid, are some of its exponents as well. They have those creepy Light’s on/No one home blank, Little Orphan Annie eyes…like serpents.

It’s interesting that you should mention Bourdain’s girlfriend, and tattoos, because…

“Results indicated BPD features were positively correlated with total number of body modifications and breadth of body modification practices endorsed, as well as, specifically, increased piercings, tattoos, and scarifications. Furthermore, identity problems (i.e., identity diffusion and low self-concept clarity) were associated with body modifications.”

From what I’ve read, Asia certainly ticks all the BPD boxes. Again, from the sounds of things, she seemed like a misery, and was likely instrumental in his emotional dissolution.

[capecodling]

Unfortunately, this might be a moot point, because like many others who’ve had a rough go, my next (and potentially last) companion is likely to be a dog.

Have you considered that the trauma bond one forms with a BPD partner causes us to exaggerate the attractiveness of our ex and downplay the attractiveness of other women?  I think its mostly our own minds playing tricks on us.

First date or two I didn’t think my ex was very attractive.  Once the trauma bond set its hooks in she looked like Selma Hayek. Thanks, trauma bond.