Seeking Advice on Moving Out from a Challenging Home Environment

[MobPillow]

Hello BPDFamily Community,

I'm reaching out to this forum seeking guidance on a difficult situation I've been facing for a long time now. I hope you can offer some insights on how to navigate this challenging phase of my life.

I'm a 27-year-old male currently living with my mother, and the prospect of moving out is met with intense resistance and emotional turmoil from her. Her reactions are extreme, and even suggesting the idea of me moving out triggers her into tantrums and manipulative behavior.

Moreover, my mother is hyper-aware of my every move. If she hears me on a job interview or engaging in any activity related to my independence, her martyr complex kicks in, making the situation even more challenging. This constant scrutiny has led to a dissociative coping mechanism as my way of dealing with the situation.

The cycle of feeling trapped, binging on games, and then attempting to "escape" has been repeating for nearly a decade, and I'm at a loss for how to break free from this pattern.

I'm seeking practical advice from anyone who has experienced similar circumstances or has expertise in handling such situations. How can I begin the process of moving out effectively, considering the intense emotional reactions from my mother? How can I manage the constant scrutiny and emotional manipulation?

Your insights and shared experiences would be immensely valuable as I work towards gaining my independence and escaping this cycle.

Thank you for your understanding and support.

[TelHill]

Hello MobPillow and welcome!  

I am a female with a bpd Mom with similar characteristics -- she found it extremely difficult for me to leave the home when I lived there. I was not allowed to have friends and was supposed to be right home after school. I assume these flavors of bpd Moms are so afraid of abandonment by or death of their children  they manipulate and intimidate their children into staying home with them.

You deserve a life away from her and to be on your own like any normal 27 year old!  I'd suggest not to clue her in to your plans at all - do not say one word about what you are doing or where you are working when you land a job.

Not sure where you're located but some cities and workplaces have in person job fairs and hiring events where you talk to the employer directly in the US where I live. This is with any type of employer -- from professional to working an entry-level job with a large company.  My public library and some non-profits assist job seekers. They might have a quiet room in their location where you can do online/Zoom job interviews.

When you are ready to move out, just go.  You can write her a note or email that you moved out but not to where. It might be best to move away as far as possible as you can.

I have experience with my mom knowing where I was due to my telling my normal, but in-denial dad. It was a nightmare with her stalking me in person and on the phone. She would call me repeatedly (20 times in a row) when I failed to answer. She'd play victim and would rile up my dad, my brother or my uncle to look for me.  I should have not said a thing in hindsight. It was traumatic and embarrassing.

I hope you can leave without too much drama.

[MobPillow]

Thank you for the response!

When you are ready to move out, just go.  You can write her a note or email that you moved out but not to where. It might be best to move away as far as possible as you can.

I've considered this, but I feel like that's almost cruel in my case. She has nobody but me, and I'm only here because I'm dependent on her financially. She definitely wouldn't win any awards on mothering but she's had a rough life herself, and is unconsciously passing the generational-trauma-baton to me (as many emotionally immature parents tend to do). I don't like it, but I don't hate her for it. Ideally I want her to stop being so codependent on me rather than me forcibly removing myself from her grasp.

There are many times where she's clearly expressed that she still mentally sees me as a helpless child, and to some extent I feel like I've personified that—specifically in my obsessive video game playing as a means to cope with the guilt I feel for being 27 and living with my Mom still while not really doing much to change it.

[livednlearned]

It sounds like you've attempted to move out (escape) before?

Maybe learning how things went down before will help us understand the specifics of the sabotage you're facing.

My stepson (24) is in a similar situation with his BPD mother. He wants so desperately to move out and I admire how hard he's working to do that, despite tremendous resistance from her. He inherited a bit of money and found a therapist, and his mom did everything in the book to shut that down. Same with learning to drive, getting a job, going to school. She will take the initiative to help him then not only take her support away, but also make him feel like he can't live on his own.

Does she work? Would she support you seeing a therapist?

[MobPillow]

It sounds like you've attempted to move out (escape) before?

Technically yes, but I'm not sure how serious of an attempt it was given my lack of financial resources. A few years ago I tried to move out with a friend who is in a very similar situation which resulted in her basically treating me as if she hated me. Every night would be a new tantrum about how I was the worst son in the world, I was ungrateful, etc. I'm not sure what else to say about it other than she was just really nasty toward me.

Eventually my friend and I called it off. We weren't really in a spot financially to do something like that to begin with, but in retrospect I assume this might have something to do with deep rooted feelings of inadequacy and self-sabotage (at least in my case).

I don't want it to come across like my Mom is solely to blame for my current struggles. I am absolutely contributing to the problem with poor coping mechanisms, but I'm doing my best to work through it.

Does she work? Would she support you seeing a therapist?

Yes, she works. She gets paid fairly well and works from home. As for therapy, I just started with a new therapist a few weeks ago and things are going well. The last time I had access to a therapist was when I was in College, and she helped me a lot. I doubt I would've graduated if it wasn't for her constant support.

[zachira]

I am so sad to hear of the challenges with your mother while having enormous respect for you in being very aware of what is going on. My mother with BPD is deceased and she was terrified of having her children become adults, and used many of the tactics you are describing to keep her children living with her. She sabotaged her children getting jobs and getting married. I feel that my brothers more than my sister and I were the most negatively affected by having a mother with BPD, and I observed how she used the fact that she was a woman and they were men as ways to manipulate them and keep them tied to her apron strings. I would say that do everything you can to follow through on your plans and work with outside sources like posting on this site, participating in a support group,
continuing to go to therapy, which will help you to follow through on your resolve to be living on your own and to have your own life with as little interference as possible from your mother. You are far from alone in being challenged to become financially independent with negative influences from your mother being a big handicap. I have a male friend who is 50 who deeply regrets how his mother with BPD influenced him in being unable to be financially independent. It is so challenging when a mother with BPD never lets up on trying to sabotage a child from becoming independent because she views the child becoming an independent adult as being abandoned which is terrifying for a mother with BPD.

[MobPillow]

My mother with BPD is deceased and she was terrified of having her children become adults, and used many of the tactics you are describing to keep her children living with her. She sabotaged her children getting jobs and getting married.

This reminds me of an important detail I forgot to mention: My family was split down the middle, where my Mom and I were on one "team", and my brother (3 years my senior) and father were on another. I often wonder if this was by "design", because maybe my brother was closer to my father as a toddler, and it triggered my Mom's abandonment issues. The only memories I have of my father were of him making it very well known that I wasn't wanted by him. This "team" mentality was reinforced when they got divorced when I was about 6 years old. My Mom got custody of both of us, and clearly picked favourites. I got all the big rooms and first say in most things. Understandably this made my brother feel like 2nd best and he would take it out on me physically almost daily.

I mention this because my Mom rarely reacted as harshly to my brother's desire for independence. She still acted hurt but not anything even close to how she behaves when I express the same desire. He's married and moved out and I barely hear about it from her.

I would say that do everything you can to follow through on your plans and work with outside sources like posting on this site, participating in a support group, continuing to go to therapy, which will help you to follow through on your resolve to be living on your own and to have your own life with as little interference as possible from your mother.

Yeah, I'm glad I was pointed to this forum. It seems like a really great place! Honestly I had no idea that she might've had BPD until now.

[Methuen]

Hi Mobpillow,

I feel for you.

I am the daughter of an 87 yo uBPD mom.  I am 61.

I am wondering if your financial situation has changed?  Are you independent enough with a job/income that you could live independently from her financially?

Is your mom medically healthy (more or less) or is she disabled?  Does she work?  Is she a functioning adult (can cook, clean, use transportation etc)?

If yes to the above, I would rip off the bandaid.  

There is no soft gentle way to do this without her "feelings" being triggered.  Her feelings are hers to deal with.  You are an adult, and you have a "right" to live your own life, and get on with your life, and your own experiences.

I received a lot of good advice when I joined this site about 4 years ago, but a real turning point for me was when someone pointed out that I needed the space to feel my own feelings, instead of always feeling mom's for her.  Until then I had never observed that when mom was happy, I felt better, and when mom was sad bitter or raging, I felt distressed.  The work we have to do is to differentiate our own selves and feelings from our BPD parent.  The fact that you struggle to leave the house suggests that she is using you to fill some need she has.  That is her problem, and not yours to fix.

Every baby bird has to fledge the nest.  The parents teach them to fly, and when it is time, they leave.  I realize now that my mom used me and groomed me to take care of her, and fill "some need" she had.  Are you familiar with "parentification"?  In my mom's case, my job was always to take care of her emotional needs, which were a bottomless pit.  Does this fit for you? As my mom got older, it only got worse.  Something isn't quite right with your mom using emotional manipulation to make you afraid to leave.  

With BPD, there is no easy way to do this.

My advice would be to just rip off the bandaid.

It's great you have a T.  That is going to be super helpful, as is this forum and website.  Foster and strengthen your friend relationships, community connections etc., so that you can formulate a plan to move out and be independent when you are ready, and feel connected to people other than your mother.

It sounds like moving out and becoming independent is what you want.  Do it if you have the means, and do not look for a place too close to her.  She is going to have her feelings about you moving out.  But let her have them.  She is an adult, and as an adult, it is her job to deal with her feelings.  She will  probably say all kinds of nasty things. They know exactly what to say to push our buttons and make us feel guilty and selfish and bad if we're not meeting their needs. We've all heard that and been through it too. It is not your place to be her emotional caretaker, although she wants you to believe it is, and only you can help her (since you are the golden child).

We all have to "differentiate" from our BPD parent.  It's hard, but it can be done, and then you can get on with your life.  You deserve to do that.

PS. You mentioned feeling bad for your mom because you know she had a rough time.  

I've considered this, but I feel like that's almost cruel in my case. She has nobody but me, and I'm only here because I'm dependent on her financially. She definitely wouldn't win any awards on mothering but she's had a rough life herself, and is unconsciously passing the generational-trauma-baton to me (as many emotionally immature parents tend to do). I don't like it, but I don't hate her for it. Ideally I want her to stop being so codependent on me rather than me forcibly removing myself from her grasp.

So reading between the lines here, she has groomed you to put her needs above yours.  I'm not sure what the circumstances are with your mom, but I think all of our BPD parent's had traumatic circumstances that led or contributed to the BPD.  It might be a reason, but it is not an excuse for bad behavior, dysfunctional behavior, or abuse.  Using emotional manipulation to prevent you from leaving her is just wrong.  Where do you want to be in 5 years?  10 years?  20 years?  You have a right to your own relationships with friends, and colleagues and intimate relationships too.  The longer you wait, the harder it will be to move out in all likelihood.  You can set yourself free from "feeling trapped".  Reassure her that you have the confidence she will be able to deal with her feelings in time.  It will get better for her and she will adjust.  You will always be her son.  

Just my thoughts of encouragement.

[livednlearned]

Like Methuen says, differentiation is going to be key for you on this journey to independence, and your therapist will be helpful with that.

For me it's my sibling who has BPD but my parents are emotionally immature and the differentiation issue (usually a sign of porous boundaries) was woven into our family system.

There is often a tremendous amount of crippling guilt and obligation that surfaces when you try to differentiate and it's important to have someone giving you a therapeutic sounding board as you work towards a healthier dynamic.

You may find the emotional work is as tough as if not more so than finding ways to create a viable path to financial independence.

When I left my BPD marriage, it took a year of planning. I went to lengths that surprise me to this day. The first step was admitting to myself I had to go. Then I had to learn to tolerate the guilt I felt about creating a parallel life in which I shared nothing about my plans to leave.

Would your mother tolerate you going to the local library? I had to be creative about carving out space for myself because my ex husband was not emotionally mature or capable enough to share in the decision, and I was not strong enough to manage the pushback.

Did you share with your mom that you were planning to leave before you left?

[TelHill]

lnl brings up a great point to plan your job hunt and move.

I did that 40 years ago when I saved my money to attend college far away from home so I could leave my abusive mom.  I bided my time until I was 18 and could go.

Once I graduated, the economy was different in the mid 80s so it was possible  to live in a small apartment on entry level college grad wages.

I'd suggest analyzing what you can do to best get a good job without making issues for you or setting your mom on high alert. Many public libraries have resources for job seekers including small private study rooms in which to conduct Zoom interviews.

Would also suggest analyzing exactly how your mom needs you around the house. Is it companionship, performing chores around the house, etc.

Overall, be kind to yourself. Changing unwanted emotional patterns doesn't happen to me overnight. With work and thought it does happen.

[MobPillow]

Thank you everyone for your comments! This community is fantastic, and I'm really glad I found my way here.

I am wondering if your financial situation has changed?  Are you independent enough with a job/income that you could live independently from her financially?

Like, in a responsibility sense? Honestly, I'm not sure. I'm sure that plays a role in my hesitancy to leave.

My advice would be to just rip off the bandaid

Yeah, you might be right. Regardless though I don't really have the financial means to do that just yet. Perhaps it's a result of BPD "brainwashing" (for lack of a better term), but I don't want to just ghost her. Though it might be best if I plan this out in secrecy. There is a public library a short bike away from my house I could potentially use for such a purpose that I didn't really consider before this post.

Like Methuen says, differentiation is going to be key for you on this journey to independence, and your therapist will be helpful with that.

I'll be sure to mention this in my therapy appointment tomorrow, thank you both. Are there any good books on the topic you'd recommend? I'll be looking into some of the ones on the "reading materials" sticky post.

Would your mother tolerate you going to the local library? I had to be creative about carving out space for myself because my ex husband was not emotionally mature or capable enough to share in the decision, and I was not strong enough to manage the pushback.

This is a great idea, thank you!
I mentioned the idea of going to the library to "get stuff done without distraction from my 'video games'" and she didn't seem to give it much thought, so yeah she seems fine with it. Honestly if she's not drunk or feeling "abandoned" her and I hardly interact. I bought a lock for my room ages ago and I basically just lock myself in my room for the entire day.

Did you share with your mom that you were planning to leave before you left?

I did, yeah. I also share my progress on a major 6-month certificate on LinkedIn that I suspect she watches like a hawk because whenever I post my progress on it she drinks like a sailor. I feel like this is valuable for potential employers though so I do this anyway.

Once I graduated, the economy was different in the mid 80s so it was possible  to live in a small apartment on entry level college grad wages.

I'd suggest analyzing what you can do to best get a good job without making issues for you or setting your mom on high alert. Many public libraries have resources for job seekers including small private study rooms in which to conduct Zoom interviews.

Would also suggest analyzing exactly how your mom needs you around the house. Is it companionship, performing chores around the house, etc.

My background is in Computer Science, and I've been working toward a Google User Experience Design certificate, but when it comes to applying to things or doing portfolio projects I just freeze up and feel incapable, inadequate, etc. I feel like that's currently my biggest hurdle, but I'm confident that I could make a decent amount of money and easily move out if I could just get myself through it.

As for my purpose according to my Mom I assume it's mostly just companionship, though I do just about every chore around the house—as I should given that I'm unemployed.


Thanks again for all the support, everyone.

[TelHill]

My background is in Computer Science, and I've been working toward a Google User Experience Design certificate, but when it comes to applying to things or doing portfolio projects I just freeze up and feel incapable, inadequate, etc. I feel like that's currently my biggest hurdle, but I'm confident that I could make a decent amount of money and easily move out if I could just get myself through it.

Yeah, me too. Software developer with personal love of and emphasis on data.  

Imposter syndrome needs to go though it's a recurring problem for me as well. Going to tech user groups online or in person increases my confidence. Maybe for you, too? Meetup and LinkedIn announce them in my area. Have seen them for UX just as much as for Python, SQL, etc.

[MobPillow]

Yeah, me too. Software developer with personal love of and emphasis on data.  

Imposter syndrome needs to go though it's a recurring problem for me as well. Going to tech user groups online or in person increases my confidence. Maybe for you, too? Meetup and LinkedIn announce them in my area. Have seen them for UX just as much as for Python, SQL, etc.

That's awesome! Cool to see another coder here. I'm a full stack web (mostly MERN) and mobile applications (mostly android) developer with a lot of interest in UXD largely due to its parallels with Psychology. My interests in the field go all over the place, and I imagine that's probably a large part of the reason why I'm so prone to imposter syndrome.

I'm quite a bit awkward so I'm not sure if meetups and stuff are really my cuppa tea, but I'm curious to learn more.

What are your opinions on the job market for tech right now? I'm seeing a lot of doom and gloom lately, and it kinda just adds fuel to my self-doubt fire. I was thinking of doing freelancing after I finish my UX certificate (about a month or so from now), as I have a lot of marketable skills but no real world experience. Also given my living situation I imagine it would be easier to work on my own terms. What do you think?

[zachira]

At one time I had been out of work for a long time and was really doubtful anybody would hire me. I was told that "good people are hard to find" and I have found this to be true. You are unemployed now, and you have a lot to offer that others who are currently working don't. I think my best characteristic is probably my integrity. Growing up with a BPD mother and knowing this at age 27, makes you more aware of who you are and who others are in ways that many people will never achieve. How do you stand out from the crowd and what would make an employer want to hire you?

[Tangled mangled]

Hi Mobpillow,
Just wanted to say hello to you and to what others have said.
When I was in my 20s I too felt trapped with my parents who are a narc/bpd combo, highly toxic home environment. I’m female and my mum is bpd.
I lived in houseshares in my 20s because I left home to live in a different continent. Life was tough but it was 100 x better than the war zone I called home.
You may feel  leaving will hurt your mum badly but I’m almost certain she will be alright. Pwbpd always find a new supply after losing their favourite person. The feelings of fear , obligation and guilt can be demoralising and it can make you feel helpless.
Like others have said it’s important you plan your escape quietly, and also change passwords and pins while you’re doing so. It’s not uncommon for pwbpd to spy on you in ways you wouldn’t imagine.
They usually control their victims through sabotage too .
While I was trying to escape my bpd ex husband I wrote down a plan ( electronic document ) and worked towards it.

Remember that the you are trauma bonded to your mum and it will feel like breaking an addiction to move on with your life. Take care of yourself and continue to engage with therapy.

[GaGrl]

I spent a 40+ year career in HR, most of which was talent development and career counseling. So from that, my suggestion would be to contact employment firms in your area that provide contract employees to companies, usually on 6, 9, 12 month contracts. You could do several project contracts and end up working for the company as a full-time, permanent employee. It would give you valuable experience.

[Methuen]

You may feel  leaving will hurt your mum badly but I’m almost certain she will be alright. Pwbpd always find a new supply after losing their favourite person.

Exactly. This might be worth chatting about with your T.  Does your mom know you have a T?

The feelings of fear , obligation and guilt can be demoralising and it can make you feel helpless.
Like others have said it’s important you plan your escape quietly, and also change passwords and pins while you’re doing so. It’s not uncommon for pwbpd to spy on you in ways you wouldn’t imagine.  

And I would add they are incredibly perceptive at picking up miniscule subtle changes in you, so be very savvy about this.   It sounds like you try to avoid a lot of interaction with her since you lock yourself in your room.  Does your mom have a job?  Do you have “space” from her during the day ever?

[TelHill]

The market for tech workers is not as robust as it was 18 months ago but employment is still at a good pace in my area - Northern California.

Recruiters are contacting me still via my LinkedIn profile. I think that's an accurate gauge of interest.  Am of the opinion that you need to find your own way to get yourself a job. There's a ton of online resources we've given you here to explore especially in the tech area. Have done it myself. Techies Google everything right, left, top, bottom and center until they get the answer.

Imposter syndrome can make someone fearful of even trying past the general info. The next step can be daunting.

We can lead you to water but we can't make you drink. I don't mean to be harsh but helpful. This is probably an area you want to explore with your T to help you help yourself!