Chronic PTSD

[PTSD BPDmom]

Y'all ... I'm so very very tired and emotionally drained and sad. Does anyone feel like they have chronic PTSD from the constant verbal abuse and gaslighting? My 40 YO daughter w/BPD (has always refused treatment) will not be happy until she has alienated my entire extended family and my grandchildren from me. I have 3 sisters that I miss terribly, but who have distanced themselves from me because of her constant drama. Her husband of 2 years will barely speak to me (because whenever she is mad at me, he 'has' to be also). They both constantly 'unfriend' me on social media every time she is mad at me, but not until she makes sure I see her post something about abusive mothers. Here is one example, minor to my mind, but I'm sure most of you can relate. She is 'not happy with me at all' right now because I apparently 'harassed' my 9 YO granddaughter (born of a 1-night stand with a married man) last weekend when we had a girls' day: lunch, nails, and a visit to the craft store. It was a great day and we had a blast! The so-called harassment consisted of this -- my GD was very excited to tell me she is going to get her passport so she could travel with her stepdad this winter when he goes overseas for work; 'Mom just needs to take me for the photo' (mom also needs to take her to the dentist and stop smoking pot nonstop, but those are other topics I have never said word one to her about). I responded, 'That's great; how fun! Passports are taking a really long time these days. I know your mom is busy; do you want to go up to Walgreen's and get your photo done so your mom doesn't have that to do that as well?' She said no, her hair wasn't right so I said okay, and we went about our afternoon. She apparently told her mom I offered to do that (my GD gets the Spanish Inquisition after every visit about every word that was said), and now I'm being accused of overstepping (I certainly would have asked my daughter before I actually took her -- I have learned SOME things over the years!), not to mention I'm gaslighting and a narcissist. When my daughter was young, I gratefully accepted every offer of help that came along so it is so difficult for me to understand how what I've done is so awful. The worst part is the responses are so unpredictable; one time she might say, oh thank you so much, but this time ... well, you know. I just don't how to do this anymore. I'm 66 YO and I'm tired. She also has a 20 YO son by a different father who was a drug addict, born when she was 20 and I was only 45, and I watched helplessly as she basically 'ruined' him (he was a very sensitive child) with her verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. He became a HS dropout, a drug addict (now in recovery thankfully), and I'm pretty sure he has BPD as well -- all of the signs; so very heartbreaking. He asked to live with me as a teen because he couldn't stand it anymore, and he did for 3 years, but the damage was done. Thankfully, she does a much better job with the granddaughter, but still, I see the signs of a child of BPD so obviously and it makes me slightly  crazed.Three years ago I had to have an attorney send a letter stating that 'grandparents have rights' in my state because she was withholding contact, which is typical when she is angry ... she immediately caved because she is terrified of DFACS. I really don't want to have to do that again, but MY boundary is I WILL see my grandchildren, period. Sorry, this is basically a vent, but I don't know where else to turn. I do have a therapist, but there's not really much advice or help they can offer. It's terrible, but I'd rather she have almost any other disorder than this one; I think it would be easier to deal with somehow.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tangled mangled]

Just wanted to say welcome to you.
So sorry for the circumstances that have led you here, you have come to the right place and many here can relate with what you are experiencing.

I’m closer to your daughters age and have young children who currently need new passports too- I will be overwhelmed with joy if anyone took initiative to offer that they get their photos taken on a day out to help out. Just trying to say you haven’t done anything wrong, you are being who you are, a great mum and caring grandmother. Don’t let the BPD steal that from you. It’s important you look after yourself, paying attention to your own needs first, perhaps your daughter doesn’t appreciate your help or shows inconsistencies in her appreciation of your help. Maybe it’s time to step back after all you have done and focus that care on yourself.

My mother has undiagnosed Bpd, although she can be kind but her baseline has always been reversing the role of parent- forcing me to parent her like that’s my life’s purpose. She’s in her 60s and lives in a different continent from me, if I want her in my life even for a few weeks, it will cost me an arm and a leg, the relationship between my mum and is quite strained and I have gone no contact. No loss to me.

I’m sure there will be more advice and input from other members of this community, but just wanted to say hello and thank you for sharing your story.

[Titch]

Dear PTSD bpdmom
Like you, I am now 60 and myself my husband and the rest of my 40yr old BPD daughter's siblings have finally come to the end of the road in putting up with abuse, accusation’s  and threats of suicide from her. Ruining every Christmas, Birthdays, events. It doesn’t stop my heart from aching, wishing things could be normal and without drama. It also means she stops me communicating with my Grandsons, who I had to give up jobs to care for when she was struggling when they were little. She manipulates them in to thinking I’ve been a bad mother to her and tells them lies about us not wanting to see them.
It’s all heart breaking, but I have decided to give time to the daughters that took back stage while BPD D took up most of my physical, financial and emotional energy.
Reading the posts on this forum has massively helped me. It stops me feeling alone with this and keeps me strong. I wish I had put in firmer boundaries much sooner.

[Tulipps]

Hello and sorry to hear about what you're experiencing. We can all relate. Take care.