First Post - Need Some mom advice

[TigerHawk]

Hi all -

I'm a long-time reader...it's been profoundly impactful to find a community of folks who understand. Today, though, I am compelled to post - I'm in desperate need of advice from those who get it.

I highly suspect my mom has BPD. I have only really realized this in the past year. For the longest time, I thought that this is just how moms are and, after talking more about my childhood with my siblings, I realized I also repressed a lot of things. Her BPD symptoms were really just annoying in my adulthood, at least until she moved across the country to live near me in her old age.

She is in REALLY poor health. She's only 70, but she has a whole host of medical problems (many of which she refuses to treat or acknowledge), and her need for care has progressed at a surprising rate. She can no longer adequately clean after herself, is severely incontinent, can't navigate any fine motor tasks, has trouble seeing because of cataracts and she absolutely insists on living on her own because she has the three worst-behaved dogs I have ever met in my entire life because they will continue to love her even as she neglects them (one of them bit the hell out of me and she said it's because I was wearing boots and the dog doesn't like boots - I could write a whole post just on her bizarre obsession with her dogs). Anyway, the idea of living without them is the ultimate nope for her.

She lives about 30 minutes away from me, so just getting to her and back home is an hour out of my day. I work full-time, have children and a husband, and have friends who even like to see me sometimes. I have done everything in my ability to be as efficient as I can to help her and to do as much as I can while trying to juggle these other things. I am always behind on the things I need to do.

Anyway, I am in charge of changing her water filter, taking out her garbage and bringing it back in, doling out her medicine in her pill box, doing (and paying for) all her grocery shopping, taking her to all of her appointments, making her meals. I also try to help her as much as I can when I am there with tidying and laundry. You can probably guess that none of this is ever enough. Ever. If I get her sliced turkey for sandwiches, she complains that I didn't get cranberry sauce. If I make soup, it's too healthy. If I mop with bleach (because there's dog poop on the floor), it's too dangerous for the dogs and I should use natural cleaners. If I take her to the doctor and the doctor asks her hard questions like, "What is your plan for long-term care?", she gives me the cold shoulder for the entire ride home. If I try to help get her organized, and I am trying to control her.

I have tried desperately to hold boundaries and hold her accountable for the things she can do. For example, her ride-on mower is broken and she can't afford to get it fixed. I have been asking her for MONTHS to just find me the number of a repairman and I'll take it from there, but she can't be bothered. So her lawn grew about 4 feet high. She got so mad at me for cleaning her house and insisted that she can do it herself, I let her have that responsibility and her house got SO filthy that it took 3 people 3 days to get it clean again. And I unfortunately realized that I can't hold boundaries that I am unable to live with the consequences of. I absolutely couldn't continue to let her live in the level of filth she had created for herself.

Anyway, after this 3 day clean up fest, I got her to agree that maybe she does need help. She told me she would let someone in to help her after her doctor previously making this referral twice and her refusing it both times before. So I called the home health place, got her doctor to submit a referral...again. And after a bit of time passed and hearing nothing, I called the home health agency and they informed me that SHE TOLD THEM SHE IS FINE AND DOESN'T NEED ANY HELP! The woman who can't change her own sheets without then having to lay down for hours. The sheets that are soiled every day.

So I am feeling done. Absolutely done. My only idea is that I am going to tell her I can no longer provide her care. I will provide her with a list of resources that will do the things I do (grocery delivery, meals on wheels, etc.) and tell her that unless I have help helping her, she can manage these things on her own.

Is this too far? Knowing her, this will feel like the ultimate rejection, so she'll likely just slowly kill herself. It just feels like another game of chicken that I am playing with her that I'm not willing to let her lose.

[Methuen]

First of all, welcome

Her BPD symptoms were really just annoying in my adulthood, at least until she moved across the country to live near me in her old age.

Oh oh.

On another note, I can relate to the litany of serious health problems including the eyes.  My mom doesn't "care" for herself either.

As an aside, I'm not a dog person, but is there any chance the dog doesn't like boots because there was a time in it's life when it got kicked by them, by someone?  Maybe even a previous owner?

I have done everything in my ability to be as efficient as I can to help her and to do as much as I can while trying to juggle these other things. I am always behind on the things I need to do.

 

I see a problem.  She isn't going to change.  So the thing that has to change is probably going to have to come from within you TigerHawk.

With you doing all this for her and running yourself ragged, how has that worked out for you?  Your husband?  Your kids?  Your friends?   I have been through this too.  Your list of examples of all the things you do that are never good enough actually made me laugh a bit because it was so familiar to me.  Right down to her interpretation of being "controlled".

Is your mom a queen, witch, waif or hermit type?  My mom used to be queenish but has turned more hermit by necessity as she became decrepit, and is now fully waif. Years ago, I started out cleaning for my mom too, but I recognized very early that I couldn't do that for her because it was too much for me, so she got a housecleaner - the daughter of her best friend. There's a long story to how that came to be, but not worth mentioning. My mother was a gardener.  That's probably why I'm not a gardener, so it never made sense for me to do her gardening because I had never done it.  She hired a gardener - another friend.  She wanted to pay me to do all her errands for her.  I never accepted money because I was not willing to condone the "transactional" nature of this.  Once that road is travelled, it's a way to obligate and control us.  I always said I would do the errands I could because she was my mom.  Eventually, like you, I hit the wall because it's a bottomless pit with not even gratitude in return, but lots of criticism and the sense of "never being enough".  I was being engulfed by her for trying to be a good daughter and trying to please her.  They cannot be pleased, and there is no such thing as a good daughter for these mothers.

I still have a relationship with her, but it's more distant.  There's no attachment to it, if that makes sense.  I think I have emotionally detached from her...

And I unfortunately realized that I can't hold boundaries that I am unable to live with the consequences of. I absolutely couldn't continue to let her live in the level of filth she had created for herself.

She is going to interpret this as being controlled by you.  That is likely going to add to the chaos of your relationship. If you see it as a risk to her health and well-being, is there someone you could talk to, or report this to?  Like a social worker?  Or health care authority?  Or adult protection services?

Something to think about.

It sounds like finances are a concern for her.  Would she be able to hire a housekeeper?  Would she even want to?  It sounds like it's not important to her, and she would be content to live in filth.  If that's the case, other members on this board have had that experience.

I am curious...why do you think she moved across the country to be close to you?  Why not your siblings?  Why did she choose you?  What is she getting from you that she wouldn't get from the others?  You do "things" for her.  But what about emotionally?  This is a loaded question.  Lots to think about.

You can't control her, so what can you change to lead a more peaceful and satisfying life for you?

So I am feeling done. Absolutely done. My only idea is that I am going to tell her I can no longer provide her care. I will provide her with a list of resources that will do the things I do (grocery delivery, meals on wheels, etc.) and tell her that unless I have help helping her, she can manage these things on her own.

Instead of "providing her with a list" (which she will interpret as controlling because you are telling her what she needs to do), how about telling her you can't clean her house any more (for example), so "what ideas does she have for replacing you" in that task?  There's a resource section on this website with "tools" for high conflict relationships like ours with our mothers.  That section really helped me.  How we communicate with a high conflict person needs to be different than how we communicate with a "typical" person.  Different set of tools.  It was worth reading and exploring for me.  Somewhere on this site, it says "before it can get better, we have to stop making it worse".  I don't accept responsibility for my mom's actions or behavior, but I can be responsible for how I react to her, and how I communicate with her.

My mom also refused home care.  It's even meant that she has lost her eyesight in one eye.  She only cares that she doesn't get home care.  My mom also said this: "SHE TOLD THEM SHE IS FINE AND DOESN'T NEED ANY HELP!" I completely relate.

About soiling her sheets every day and all the other things including being able to toilet herself (you mentioned she's incontinent) - these are necessities of life.  Does her doctor know this is going on?  Could you have a "confidential" conversation?  Docs are bound by confidentiality to their patients, but you can give them information that will help them care for their patient.  It's one way communication.  The doc won't be able to "discuss" your mom with you because it's confidential, but you can give them information, and explain  that you are concerned about your mom's health and safety.  There is a risk to this - if your mom finds out.

Many of us see a counsellor/therapist.  Is this something you have explored?  

My only idea is that I am going to tell her I can no longer provide her care. I will provide her with a list of resources that will do the things I do (grocery delivery, meals on wheels, etc.) and tell her that unless I have help helping her, she can manage these things on her own.

This isn't going to go well, because you're making it about her (which it is). It will probably blow up, which at this point maybe you are ok with.  

As an alternative, how about something like: "I am not well mom.  I can't keep doing all this, but here is what I can do: groceries and ...(for example)."  With this, you are making it about you, and telling her what you can do.  It's more positive.  It's not a criticism of her.  The boundary is the same.

If she attacks you and starts screaming what a selfish person you are and how could you abandon her when she really needs you (this is exactly what my mom did), leave quietly.  Do not stay and listen to that abuse and be her doormat for her projections.  Do not fight back. Just leave. Not engaging will have the most power and impact.  Give her time to self-soothe.  

Is this too far? Knowing her, this will feel like the ultimate rejection, so she'll likely just slowly kill herself. It just feels like another game of chicken that I am playing with her that I'm not willing to let her lose.

I think it's worthwhile to speak with a therapist, maybe her doctor (emphasize confidentiality), social worker, senior's advocate, help line, a representative from adult protective services (anonymously to gather information first).  There are serious issues going on here, and you could use some professional support because you by yourself cannot protect your mom from herself.  It's important to put energy into your own wellness and quality of life, and that of your husband, kids, friends as well.  Maybe reasses your priorities?  Who are the most important people in your life?

Your mom has diverted you from this.  She sounds quite narcissistic, as most of them seem to be.

[TigerHawk]

First of all, welcome

Thanks! And thanks so much for taking the time to post such a thoughtful response.

As an aside, I'm not a dog person, but is there any chance the dog doesn't like boots because there was a time in it's life when it got kicked by them, by someone?  Maybe even a previous owner?

She bred this dog so she's the only who's ever had it. Is she emotionally abusive...100%. Is she physically abusive, luckily never. Her upbringing was intensely traumatic, and refusal to engage in physical abuse was one positive take-away from that experience. I think she is just incapable of taking care of the dogs or providing them the training they need. Most days, I don't even think they go outside, let alone get exercise or appropriate attention.

Is your mom a queen, witch, waif or hermit type?  My mom used to be queenish but has turned more hermit by necessity as she became decrepit, and is now fully waif. Years ago, I started out cleaning for my mom too, but I recognized very early that I couldn't do that for her because it was too much for me, so she got a housecleaner - the daughter of her best friend. There's a long story to how that came to be, but not worth mentioning. My mother was a gardener.  That's probably why I'm not a gardener, so it never made sense for me to do her gardening because I had never done it.  She hired a gardener - another friend.  She wanted to pay me to do all her errands for her.  I never accepted money because I was not willing to condone the "transactional" nature of this.  Once that road is travelled, it's a way to obligate and control us.  I always said I would do the errands I could because she was my mom.  

She was more a queen when I was growing up, but has gone full waif in her old age. It feels as if she holds the expectation that it is my turn to mother her, not that she ever really mothered me. And sadly, she cannot afford any of this and basically refuses to let anyone into her house except her children. And she has no friends, at least no real ones. Some that she chats with about dogs via FB, but she basically burns through any relationship that is based on anything real.

Eventually, like you, I hit the wall because it's a bottomless pit with not even gratitude in return, but lots of criticism and the sense of "never being enough".  I was being engulfed by her for trying to be a good daughter and trying to please her.  

They cannot be pleased, and there is no such thing as a good daughter for these mothers.

Oof. This hits right in the feels.

I still have a relationship with her, but it's more distant.  There's no attachment to it, if that makes sense.  I think I have emotionally detached from her...

I totally understand this. It's a very weird feeling. It's like I'm in her life but all my interactions with her feel empty. It feels sad, but also better than the pain she so predictably tries to elicit

I am curious...why do you think she moved across the country to be close to you?  Why not your siblings?  Why did she choose you?  What is she getting from you that she wouldn't get from the others?  You do "things" for her.  But what about emotionally?  This is a loaded question.  Lots to think about.

I have 2 siblings (Actually 3, but one passed far too prematurely). One of them was the scapegoat, therefore their relationship is virtually nonexistent. He basically got out of the house as soon as he could. The other was the golden child, 100% parentified and emotionally enmeshed. I always thought my mom would end up relying on her in her old age, but about 10 years ago, my sister started actually living life for herself (good for her) and that caused a significant crack in their relationship. My mom also has the narrative that she and my son are really tight - she views herself as the second parent for him because I lived at home with her when he was young (this is a whole uncomfortable thing that could be its own post), even though they never talk and her house is too gross for him to even want to walk through the door.

You can't control her, so what can you change to lead a more peaceful and satisfying life for you?

That's the million dollar question here. What consequences am I able to live with to spare my own sanity? I wish it wasn't too much to ask for her to accept the help necessary just to keep her clean and safe.

Instead of "providing her with a list" (which she will interpret as controlling because you are telling her what she needs to do), how about telling her you can't clean her house any more (for example), so "what ideas does she have for replacing you" in that task? There's a resource section on this website with "tools" for high conflict relationships like ours with our mothers.  That section really helped me.  How we communicate with a high conflict person needs to be different than how we communicate with a "typical" person.  Different set of tools.  It was worth reading and exploring for me.  Somewhere on this site, it says "before it can get better, we have to stop making it worse".  I don't accept responsibility for my mom's actions or behavior, but I can be responsible for how I react to her, and how I communicate with her.

This is really helpful - I'll definitely spend some time with that.

About soiling her sheets every day and all the other things including being able to toilet herself (you mentioned she's incontinent) - these are necessities of life.  Does her doctor know this is going on?  Could you have a "confidential" conversation?  Docs are bound by confidentiality to their patients, but you can give them information that will help them care for their patient.  It's one way communication.  The doc won't be able to "discuss" your mom with you because it's confidential, but you can give them information, and explain  that you are concerned about your mom's health and safety.  There is a risk to this - if your mom finds out.

Because she wants me to be her mom, I actually have a release on file with her doctor. I have talked to her doctor about all of this and really the entry point to getting her help is through the service she keeps refusing. I've actually called every resource I can find that works with seniors, only to meet dead end after dead end because ultimately, she is her own person, and unless it's a significant cognitive impairment (like dementia), which it isn't, she's allowed to choose to live in her own filth and sleep on soiled sheets if she is fully aware of the consequences of her actions and willing to live with them. At least this is the case in the state we live in.

Many of us see a counsellor/therapist.  Is this something you have explored?  

Yes, absolutely.

As an alternative, how about something like: "I am not well mom.  I can't keep doing all this, but here is what I can do: groceries and ...(for example)."

This is a good suggestion. I did tell her at one point that I am not okay, actually kind of broke down crying about it, but she didn't have any concern about that. I even quit my career for a lower-paying but less stressful job because I just couldn't be as stressed out as I was both at home and at work. But I do recognize that the important part of this suggestion is holding the boundary of what I can and cannot do. It just feels horrible to see your mother live in this way and not do anything about it. But I have tried. I really, really have tried.

It's important to put energy into your own wellness and quality of life, and that of your husband, kids, friends as well.  Maybe reasses your priorities?  Who are the most important people in your life?

I think I might need to tattoo this on my forehead.

[Methuen]

 

[Notwendy]

One thought I had was- are you in the US? With your mother unable to clean her house and care for herself- this can be reported to social services. They'd have to see it in dirty condition for proof. If finances are an issue for her, they could work on qualifying her for Medicaid and if she is eligible- Medicaid has both home care and nursing home options. You can still be involved but with assistance.

You and Methuen are doing what I think my parents would have assumed I would do, but when I tried to assist my parents during the time my father was ill - my mother was overly verbally and emotionally abusive and I chose to keep some distance. They were angry at me.

To my mother- my role is to be useful to her. If I am not useful to her, then she has no interest in me. My father left her a comfortable retirement fund. She has spent almost all of it, recklessly. She took out a home equity loan and we got her moved into assisted living and sold the house on the brink of her becoming possibly evicted. She has similar issues to your mother and Methuen's- she isn't opposed to hiring help- she likes to have people "do things" for her- so she spends a lot of money on private care and people to help her but the interactions are similar- she's so controlling that they can hardly accomplish tasks for her. She will seek out medical care if she needs it but then she doesn't comply with what they tell her to do. She's been verbally and emotionally abusive to some of them. She won't trust her family to help her with her finances but she trusts strangers who have taken advantage of her.


My best advice is for you to create boundaries for yourself and your family according to your family's needs. That was a consideration for me too even if I don't live as close to my mother as you do. As to if it's possible to feel OK with boundaries? I don't know- I think we wish we could have a mutually caring relationship with our mothers, but that's not possible with my mother.

[TelHill]

Hello and welcome TigerHawk!

I know it's really tough to find yourself in this situation. Can't help but wonder if her shame over being unable to control her dog from biting caused her to fib about your boots. It sounds like something my mother would do. She's very skilled at deflecting responsibility.

I'm the adult daughter of an elderly 91 yo dBPD mom (untreated). She lives with my father who is in denial. I'm the scapegoat.  She is unable to walk without the use of walker and has advanced macular degeneration. She needs someone to cook for her, do her laundry and bathe her. She can do the rest herself. She has some cognitive impairment but is quite sharp for her age.   

I made the mistake of being a part time live-in caregiver for her five years ago. I was naive. I realize now she had slowly manipulated me over the course of a year by love bombing to ensure I would be her caregiver. It didn't work out. She is dysregulated 80% of her waking hours and it was impossible to bear. My boundary became I will not be her caregiver.

As you are considering your next steps and perhaps boundary setting with your mother, I would suggest to factor increased need for care as she gets older. I have seen that once an elderly loved one has a major health crisis, their health needs multiply.

Would she consider seeing a Gerontologist (MD) to help her set a care plan? My parent have Medicare (US) and my mother saw one with the cost of a copay - $25. It may help to nudge her in the right direction if she's hears it from a doctor. It may not immediately help but it does help my mother to be told something many times to accept reality. It can melt the defiant attitude a bit.

Lastly, would she be willing to get dog training from an animal welfare organization?  A dog biting a neighbor might place her ownership in jeopardy.  Doggies enjoy school because they love getting along with everyone.

I really hope things work for your guys.

[livednlearned]

TigerHawk, whew. I stopped breathing reading your post. It's a lot. You're doing a lot. I'm glad you posted and shared what you're going through. It feels like a breaking point with the toileting alone, not to mention the dog biting you. To add BPD behaviors and reactions ... that is a lot for any one person to manage.

With your mother unable to clean her house and care for herself- this can be reported to social services. They'd have to see it in dirty condition for proof. If finances are an issue for her, they could work on qualifying her for Medicaid and if she is eligible- Medicaid has both home care and nursing home options. You can still be involved but with assistance.

This happened to my uBPD wait/hermit grandmother. Toward the end of her life she was living in filth. Hoarding habits added to the danger, including keeping broken lightbulbs and things I didn't even think a hoarder would do. One detail that sticks with me were the wads of toilet paper she hoarded after using them. Throwing away anything was a no. The house smelled like urine. She refused to accept help but had daily demands.

What turned it around was law enforcement. uBPD grandmother kept calling them to report stolen items and whatnot, and they contacted my father to say they were no longer going to respond to her calls. I think the final straw was her insistence that neighbors were sneaking into the house and dulling her knives.

They gave my father a number to call that triggered social services, including a direct path into a government-subsidized assisted living (this was in Canada). It was a mixture of relief and fear, mostly based on the assumption that she would never survive the move.

She ended up living another 6 years and was mean as a snake toward the end, with a big dose of racism and paranoia thrown in. The last time I saw her she told me the name I gave my son was stupid. It made me realize I didn't need to spend $$$ on a ticket to be treated like garbage and to visit her in a city no one in their right mind would visit unless they had to.

Setting and keeping boundaries is deeply distressing and may not feel like a feasible option when you know the emotions that go with those boundaries will be hard to endure. But what you're dealing with sounds like more than boundaries, it sounds like there needs to be an intervention. Not that you aren't doing a great job, more that she is beyond what's manageable.

My father did not tell uBPD grandmother that he contacted social services. She blamed the neighbors for ratting her out and he let her believe that. He says in retrospect he was grateful for the police response because it made him realize how far gone she was. They set a boundary, something many of us in dysfunctional families find hard to do. I don't know how many times they went to her home but enough that it triggered a trip from social services. Sometimes it helps to get third-party professionals involved because they aren't mired in the emotions or guilt or whatnot.

There's another thing, too. When I left my BPD marriage, I gave myself a pass when it came to how I planned my exit strategy. I focused on the goal, which was to leave safely. I had to compromise some of my ethics to do that, like how much I was willing to share with my ex. It felt a bit like managing a child, where that child isn't mature enough to handle the whole truth. I also felt like he lost privileges by being abusive. I had to focus on safety and he wasn't safe.

Before I left, I read a book about verbal abuse by Patricia Evans. I tried one of her recommendations, which was to hold my hand up and repeat the word STOP during a tirade. To my total surprise, it worked. I even saw my ex's face go from grown man to child, and he all but sulked. It made me realize there was a superpower there that I just couldn't tap into regularly because I was scared of him, and for good reason given his size and instability. However, the takeaway is that sometimes when you fully own your power, you can unmask what's really going on. I was able to stand up to my ex because I was truly at the end of my rope. I'm not suggesting you step into that role, because I know how hard it is when it's a parent, but maybe there is a tough social worker willing to lay things out for your mom. Either she accepts help or she goes into a home without her dogs. It's her choice.

A lot of us take on so much emotional baggage in these relationships, beyond what is normal, even though the roles may look normal from the outside.

But there is nothing normal about these relationships, and certainly nothing healthy.

[So Stressed]

She lives about 30 minutes away from me, so just getting to her and back home is an hour out of my day. I work full-time, have children and a husband, and have friends who even like to see me sometimes. I have done everything in my ability to be as efficient as I can to help her and to do as much as I can while trying to juggle these other things. I am always behind on the things I need to do.

Anyway, I am in charge of changing her water filter, taking out her garbage and bringing it back in, doling out her medicine in her pill box, doing (and paying for) all her grocery shopping, taking her to all of her appointments, making her meals. I also try to help her as much as I can when I am there with tidying and laundry. You can probably guess that none of this is ever enough. Ever. If I get her sliced turkey for sandwiches, she complains that I didn't get cranberry sauce. If I make soup, it's too healthy. If I mop with bleach (because there's dog poop on the floor), it's too dangerous for the dogs and I should use natural cleaners. If I take her to the doctor and the doctor asks her hard questions like, "What is your plan for long-term care?", she gives me the cold shoulder for the entire ride home. If I try to help get her organized, and I am trying to control her.

Tigerhawk, I relate to your whole post, and particularly to the excerpt above. It is as if it is my story.  Although much older, my Mom seems to have been in better health than your Mom. I didn't make meals for my Mom and dole out her pills. I had occasionally taken her food that I had made, but it was never well received..."What the hell am I supposed to do with that?" is what she said the last time I took food, so I never brought her any again. 

So, in addition to the demanding needs for care and her constant complaints that it was never enough, she was also extremely manipulative and mean.  I remember speaking to my sibling (who lived far away) on the phone and saying a few times that I was done...I couldn't take the abuse anymore. Sibling seemed to be aware and supportive.  I was expressing needs for more help and that Mom needed home care services.  Sibling came to visit and was going to support me and talk to Mom about the need for home care, but then whatever went on between them, I will never know, but Mom turned my sibling against me and there was no support about home care. In fact, both of them started accusing me of being mentally ill.  Dividing people is what Mom does.  She turns people against each other and always seems to come out looking like an innocent sweet lady.

I did put some private home care services in place, but like your Mom, my Mom fired them. At one point, I tried to get the doctor to assess Mom and refer her for subsidized home care, but that blew up in my face, and I will never be forgiven for that and my sibling seems now to support Mom on that issue.  My efforts to get home care were well intentioned and both Mom and I needed help. I work full time, and my therapist encouraged me to get outside help for the things like home care that were not "Mother-Daughter' things.  So, that was what I tried to do. From what I have heard, it sounds as if Mom had a complete meltdown with the doctor and then she blamed me for ruining her relationship with the doctor. She is still mad at me and I will never be forgiven.

In the end, my sibling moved Mom into an assisted living place near them.  That was probably a good decision and better for me, but it was done as a "punishment" for me not doing enough for her, and that is what was hurtful. So, now I have a strained and distant relationship with my mother and no relationship with my sibling. It is quite heart breaking and I have searched my soul about what I did wrong, and I only come up with that I was trying my best to care for Mom while also having my own life.  My Mom and my sibling say I am selfish (as well as mentally ill). I feel I was just trying to get out alive because it was taking a toll on my health and interfering with my job.  Since my Dad passed away, I have been the family scapegoat.

I also think that the covid lockdown did not help our family situation.  Mom couldn't seem to understand why that should restrict her social life so we had constant friction about that.  My sibling seemed to go into total reclusive mode and seems not to have been the same since covid.

So, I try every day to check out this site, read information about BPD, set boundaries, focus on positive relationships in my life, and move forward, but it is hard.  I can't really afford ongoing therapy, so I just go occasionally.

I hope my post helps you to know that you are not alone, Tigerhawk.

[TigerHawk]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. It really does help to hear from people who get it.

I thought I'd provide an update for those interested and also for me to process the most recent developments. I didn't give her my ultimatum. I was able to take a step back from my anger and told her that we need to have a serious talk and that I need her to engage in that talk (because any time a hard conversation needs to occur, she regresses to about 3 years old). She requested that this talk be delayed because we had family coming into town and she just wanted to enjoy them.

For some background, the family coming into town was my two cousins, her nieces. Their mom and my mom's sister died earlier this year of the same thing my mom has (COPD). So my mom has been taking more to them recently. Well, my mom told me that one of my cousins was coming for Thanksgiving this year and isn't that wonderful and all that (this cousin in the new golden child). I texted this cousin to express my excitement about this news and the cousin said that she never ever said that and she wouldn't because there is no way she'd be able to get off work for Thanksgiving because she is in the medical field, so she doesn't get those days off. So I told this to my mom, who kept insisting that she was actually coming for Thanksgiving, so the cousin just decided to come a different weekend in the fall. So I told my mom we could celebrate Thanksgiving early this year. I planned a whole mock Thanksgiving just to make my mom happy - this was planned before the blow up where she refused home health.

Anyway, this was coming up and I agreed to wait, but lo and behold, my cousin has a knack for trying to solve problems, so she decided that she would talk to my mom. She came up with this whole plan that my mom would accept home health and that she would agree to have someone come once per week to clean her house and sine my mom doesn't want to be there when that is happening, I will take my mom to do something mother-daughter while that is happening. I'm so resentful at my mom at this point, that I don't want to do anything with her, but if this means I can get away from being responsible for all the things, I'm for it. So my cousin sits us all down to go over this plan, everyone agrees to it, and my sister and I say that, yes, we will pay for this cleaner and I say yes, I will take her for coffee or whatever while her house is being cleaned.

Well the next day, my mom, of her own volition, sends her doctor a message requesting another (this is the 4th) referral to home health. Sounds promising, but I know my mother too well.

Meanwhile, my mom posts a picture I sent her of me, my sister, and the two cousins (without permission) saying how wonderful her "Thanksgiving" was and gushing about what a saint my cousin is for treating her like a queen and for working with her to make a plan to get her back on her feet. Apparently the 800 times I tried to come up with plans were controlling, but my cousin is an angel. She did mention that I did a lot of cooking, so I guess that was some acknowledgement maybe?

Well, I talked to my sister earlier today and she said that mom called her on her way out of town and told her that there was no way she was letting someone into her house four times/month. She told my sister that she can absolutely take care of it on her own. This is interesting because she didn't move a single muscle when we were there for 3 days shoveling trash and dog poop off of her floor. She told my sister that the only thing that gets her moving each day is having to do her chores, as if 2 hours per week would be nearly enough to replace the things she still needs to do on a daily basis. And she begged for just 4 more weeks to show us that she can do it on her own. Four weeks for her house to fall deeper into filth and for the people I started talking to about helping to decide they aren't willing to wait around for this job.

I have an appointment with a social worker next week for a consultation and I'm hoping it is helpful, but it has become apparent that she only wants help from me. As if me sacrificing my time and energy are some kind of testament to my love for her. Except I'm not sure that I do love her any more. I can't remember the last time I've enjoyed being around her. And she has shown me repeatedly that she is more than happy to watch me run myself into the ground. More than happy to accept my repeated generosity without any thanks. More than happy to steal my time away from my children, husband, friends, and career. All I am asking her for in return is to open her door. And she won't do that.

I want to wait until my meeting with this social worker to decide, but I feel like I have 3 choices: 1) Continue to burn myself out and sacrifice myself to someone whose ability to take knows no limits, 2) Try to pursue some kind of way to take control over her medical and possibly financial decisions, or 3) Walk away and save myself, let people/agencies who can help her know that she no longer has my support so that she can still get what she needs, but relieve myself of any relationship with her. I would NEVER subject myself to this treatment from anyone else. Why should I with her?

Knowing that I can't control her actions, only mine, am I missing any valid options?

[Dominos]

Wow! You really are incredible and you have been such an amazing daughter. I’m seriously so amazed by you and all the good you’ve done. I think it’s time for you to give yourself a pat on the back and go for option 3 with a little bit of option 2 if you wanted to do more. Your children and your husband come first and any leftover energy after that can go towards your mom if you wish.

It might be helpful to set a boundary of once a month or so  you could allow yourself to help your mom (or whatever number you felt good about). Ultimately, it’s her life and you can’t change her. Also, no matter what you do, it will never be enough. So only doing what you felt good about, would be a good start. And you’re totally justified in going no contact or option number 3. Sending love!

[Methuen]

I have an appointment with a social worker next week for a consultation and I'm hoping it is helpful, but it has become apparent that she only wants help from me. As if me sacrificing my time and energy are some kind of testament to my love for her. Except I'm not sure that I do love her any more. I can't remember the last time I've enjoyed being around her. And she has shown me repeatedly that she is more than happy to watch me run myself into the ground. More than happy to accept my repeated generosity without any thanks. More than happy to steal my time away from my children, husband, friends, and career. All I am asking her for in return is to open her door. And she won't do that.

This.  All of it.  Right down to refusing to accept help.[/quote]

As for your options, the best option for everyone would be if she gave you financial and health care POA.  Do you have any POA yet?  If not, how you frame this conversation with her will make a big difference in the outcome.  I would go back to the tools on this website for communicating with high conflict people when you bring it up for discussion.  Then give her some time to think about it.  If she doesn't want to give you any POA, but wants you to be her full time servant at her behest and continue sacrificing yourself the way you have been, then the conversation can take a new direction.  You clearly state what you are willing to do.  Then do not cross your own boundaries ever.  Also be willing to let her live with the consequences of her own choices.  If it's too much of a pigsty for you to tolerate, then maybe your way of taking care of yourself is to not see it ie no visits at her place.  Or maybe you just decide to not let it bother you.  Or you take pictures and document it and bring it to adult protective services or some such thing. Personally, I'm a big believer in documentation - objective evidence. It's a way of protecting both of you.