First time post: my partner with BPD treats me worse than everyone else.

[Exorter]

First time posting.
I am wondering if anyone else has felt or experienced what I have in that my significant other will treat everyone else way better than she treats me. And most other people would not believe how she treats me because she is nice to them and emotionally brutal with me. And then when we go to marriage counseling she denies (doesn’t remember) what she has done and acts like the nicest person to the therapist. And if I try to bring it up to her most of the time she just throws it back on me. So I have felt trapped in that no one is seeing how horribly she treats me and no one would believe me unless I video taped her on a regular basis. Thanks!

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[M604V]

That may be one of the hallmarks of BPD. I say that as a layperson, but still. I’m with you and I hear you.

I don’t understand how my s/o can be such a kind, devoted, sympathetic nurse yet she can ignore the physical, emotional, mental and psychological anguish that she’s brought me. Even when I confront her about it: nothing. She’ll deny it, excuse it, take it out of context, put it in a different context or just flat out ignore it.

You have to wonder if there isn’t, like, an actual part of their psyche that’s missing. And if so, what could you or any other non-professional ever hope to do to fix it? Seems like a tall order if you ask me.

You’re amongst friends here.  Best of luck to you. Stay strong.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s emotionally devastating to be treated with such disdain, while being aware that our partners are portraying themselves as the nicest, kindest people on the planet. As M604V said, this is a hallmark of BPD.

One of the most obvious examples of this pattern happened when my mother took my (now ex) husband and myself out to lunch at a high end restaurant. While we perused the menu, seated in the outdoor patio, she started an argument and began sharply speaking to us, trying in vain to keep her volume down. I’m sure all the other diners were quite aware that she was berating us.

Then, whenever the server approached the table, she would be as sweet as pie, speaking in a charming, gracious manner. Then as soon as the server was out of earshot, she would resume the attacks.

It was so bizarre, it became funny to me.

I’ve seen similar episodes with all the people with BPD that I’ve ever encountered, but not to that degree.

However when you experience this behavior in private on a daily basis, it truly is exhausting and demoralizing.

Can you explain in more detail the context of some of these behaviors that she is exhibiting so that we can help you create some strategies so that it doesn’t impact you as much?

Also I would suggest that you and your wife both have individual sessions with your marriage counselor so that you can be free to fully express yourself without reservations. A well trained counselor will be aware that things aren’t always as they appear and may already be spotting some cracks in your wife’s armor.

[Smedley Butler]

my wife will (intentionally, i now believe) start a fight out of thin air an hour or two before we are in a social situation so that i will be irritated or in a bad mood once we get where we're going (church, out with friends, etc), and then she will flip it over to "angelic" mode instantly.  i've watched it happen so many times that it cant be a coincidence.  i think she deliberately does it to make it look like i'm always angry and she is always happy.