Sister in Law’s borderline wrath and rejection toward me suddenly

[bethanny]

My brother lives pretty far away from me. I love him dearly.

I went through a sad decade years ago where my borderline mother wouldn’t forgive me for asserting myself to her after years of being obsequious in fear of her outbreaks of irrational malice (annihilating anger).

I was estranged from my primary family for 10 years hoping and waiting for my mother to reach for me with respect and love. Trying to make that happen. My family rallied around her after she convinced them I had willfully and crazily hurt her. She lied about the circumstances.

I didn’t know then about borderline personality disorder. My parents had a tragic marriage. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother an unrecovered Borderline personality. I was the only daughter and my mother expected me to forego adult privilege and freedom focusing on her needs. I was in denial how much.I feared her and let myself believe it was pity of a “good daughter.”

I realized I was so indoctrinated into avoiding her moments of traumatizing psychotic rage — I had lived on a tightrope the first third of my life, going into clinical depression in my 20s. Living on a roller coaster of downturns of her irrational malice.

I knew my brother’s wife seemed emotionally “high maintenance” but I didn’t realize her potential for unforgiving rage. Seeming borderline disorder rage.

I am a political lefty. Sadly more left than my brothers. They are not conservative but not as left as me. This saddens me a bit not being on same political page with them, especially since we had been estranged for that decade long ago but had significantly healed our relationships. But my politics coincides of course with the essence of who I am.

My sister in law began challenging me by text about my sharing a political opinion with her son on a group text chat. I was surprised and confused since I didn’t think I had been disrespectful at all to her son, in fact he had been rude to me but l let it go. She kept on at me and it felt like she was demanding that I totally change my way of thinking to hers.

I pushed back and I thought we were agreeing to live and let live but she jumped on the group text and kept at me and I got angry and pushed back.

She became angry. I was impressed I pushed back against her disrespect and irrational assumption she could intimidate me into how to think by telling me I was wrong rather patronizingly.

I later texted her I was sorry for the disagreement and any part I had in it. Still feeling I had done the healthy response for my needs but not wanting a family rift.

She is apparently not speaking to me. It has been weeks. If I try to text her she threatens to block me.

My brother is still communicating with me. That is important. I really enjoy his adult stepchildren and had enjoyed visiting him and their families. His wife was often kind to me. They have a lovely little grand-daughter the dealings with her I have had have been precious.

The behavior of my sister in law whose behavior I found inappropriate really alarms and frustrates me. She is so implacably unforgiving. Reminds me of my mother years ago. And the sabotaging my mother did to my relationships in our network horrified me and that fear is triggered now. I also feel sorry for my brother over this circumstance with me and in general dealing with her temper and controllingness.

I don’t know what will happen going forward. I need to respect my boundaries and this woman violated them and won’t forgive me for not letting her get away with that. That’s how i bottom line it.

I have tried to communicate further and that seems futile.

I am grateful my brother responds to me and still seems to respect and appreciate me.

On a video of my grand niece opening a present from me my sister in law expressed good will for me to my grand niece. I was heartened. I sent a simple “thank you” text. She texted back an angry “if you text me again I will block you.”

I felt hope over the video and a pleasant surprise but that was dashed.

I am planning to visit my brothers out west at end of year. Dealing with her and her rage will be stressful for me and probably everyone around us.

After years in 12 step meetings I have to do the serenity prayer.

This woman had a tragic childhood herself. But pity should not be an incentive for me to let someone get away with abusing me.

I can’t control her. I can’t control the people that she is able to control. I want to salvage my relationships in spite of her toxicity.

My brother blames politics but this is more it feels like — that her egotism that was wounded and that irrational annihilating anger that I have read about in the life-saving book I have read, Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson has been triggered.

I don’t want to slip into shame, guilt, self-blame from her dramatic over-reaction. People have a right to periodically get angry at someone without the relationship being ended. Conflict resolution should be given a chance. But I remember how rigid my mother stayed.

It feels so unnecessarily difficult now. I feel scapegoated by whatever her issues are. By this familiar borderline behavior that tortured so much of my early life.

But life is not a rose garden and my challenge is coping as best I can. It certainly triggers the historical grief of my mother’s implacability during my estrangement years ago when. I entirely lost contact with my brothers and others then, so at least I have continuing contact with my brothers now.

I just got her “I will block you threat” a little while I ago and I decided to reach out on this network to people who appreciate having to deal with an attack of annihilating anger. Of dealing with people who demand you walk on eggshells or else.

Thanks for listening.

Best,
Bethanny