Painful, sudden, complicated break up

[TRR]

 

Well I feel like my life has become a cautionary tale.  I read the article on breaking up with someone that has BPD & almost every paragraph is a synopsis of my life.  I am separated from my narcissistic husband of 19 years. I literally escaped & went to live with “C”.  She was a friend at the time but quickly feeling’s development. she took me & my 2 teenage sons of 13,& 15 years of age in.  She gave and gave and gave.  Not just monetary but kindness, support, love, love making.  I said she was giving too much but she insisted she wanted to help. She was exactly what I wanted & thought I needed after such an emotionally, sexually abusive marriage.  That was Summer 2022.  Even before her diagnosis there were red flags I chose to ignore like being out of touch with reality, looking thru my phone, accusing me of cheating etc

She was formally diagnosed with BPD last winter.  There were SO many red flags!  Too many to name.  Gradually she became colder and the episodes became worse.  Me struggling with codependency made the same relationship mistakes, trying to save her, help her and make her healthy.  Same as I did with my ex- husband.  I finally moved my boys & I into our own apartment last week.  I am trying to get better & separate myself from the unhealthy drama & pain.  When I moved last week C said “congratulations, youll do great & she gave me a bunch of older furniture because she’s trying to move & her realtor said to clean out the house.  The next morning after i moved out C is blaming me for all her relationship problems, accusing me of manipulating her, lying throughout the relationship etc.  As much as I’d like to just cut everything off, my paycheck is in the mail to her address & I’m trying to be polite & compassionate as i still have feelings for C.  I got myself into this mess & I’ve gotta get mysrlf out

I really messed up my life & I am committed to being single for awhile.  I fell into the same bad habits & feel like a jackass. Anyone has been through this, I’d love to hear how you made it.  Thanks guys

[kells76]

Hi TRR and a warm welcome to the site 

You're definitely in the right place to process a painful, sudden, complicated ending of a relationship; that is really familiar to many members here.

It's good that you're able to reflect on what happened -- how there were red flags even at the beginning that for whatever reasons you missed, how things seemed so good until they were so bad, how you realized that it wasn't a healthy relationship and made a choice to leave the unhealthiness.

The main thought hitting me right now is that as hurtful as your relationship with C was, you are giving your boys a gift by showing them that it isn't healthy to let yourself experience a controlling, cold, blaming, paranoid partner.

How are your kids doing with the changes? Are they aware enough to be asking questions about what happened? I think you have a real strength in being able to say here that you recognize you fell into some old bad habits, and need to make some changes in your life. That too can be a gift to give your boys, that you can model owning your choices and committing to a new path forward.

Lots of members here (myself included) are making it through with the help of counseling. Is that something you might be up for trying?

Keep us posted on how the past few weeks have gone, especially the paycheck issue.

kells76