Sharing a deceased parents estate with a BPD sibling

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

My mother passed away in November 2019, just before Covid broke out. I was working in Northern BC Canada at a job I worked very hard to get, and had just received a promotion before she died.
She lived in Southern BC, near Vancouver. I was raised in the south, but could not find work there, so I moved  north and it was very stressful, but I was finally adjusting after 2 years. I was preparing to finally settle into a middle class lifestyle after being raised in austerity.
My mom had a will, which I had read by the lawyer within the first week after her death. She named me as sole executor.
Long story short, my sister with whom I share the estate has had a lifetime of behavioural problems which I could not figure out or handle. I had to resign from my job and move into my mom's house due to Covid travel restrictions, the real estate market crash, and my sister's behaviour.
I have recently been seeing a therapist, who suggested the "Walking on Eggshells book to me". This turned the light on for me and really helped me to understand my sister's behaviour. The problem now is, she's refusing to sign off on the final estate accounting. She is really angry that our mom made me sole executor, giving me all the power and control and her none. She is my elder sister. She's made up alot of angry accusations and wants to fight over anything and everything she can. I can't appease her or reason with her. The government has finished with probate and their tax audit. I was able to sell our mom's house when the market picked up, but my sister is still refusing to sign and is continuing to threaten me with court action. She applied to the Supreme Court to have me removed as executor and put her on instead. She's accusing me of embezzlement, fraud, theft and lying to her. These are all unfounded accusations, but she's already twisting the facts and I am afraid that the courts will believe her over me. These are accusations that could land me in jail at the worst, and cost us our inheritance/ retirement nest egg at best. She doesn't seem to care about the financial costs of fighting me in court, or the health effects on both of us. I am afraid she will just piss away all the money my mom and I worked so hard for. She just wants to "win" because "she always gets screwed" and I am the next one in the line of fire.
The estate lawyer my mom chose is very good at normal estate settlements and mediation, but I don't have confidence in his ability to deal with a BPD beneficiary. He tells me she has the right to ask for a court audit, and he seems to always want to compromise and mediate. He doesn't seem to understand that you can't do that with BPD people. You have to have firm boundaries. My sister has never been good with rules and boundaries. She punches right through them, tears through people's lives like a tornado and leaves a mess behind.
My sister and I are both middle-aged adults, but I seem to be the grown up in the relationship. She has been married for 30 years and has had a household of her own (rental), but was obsessed with our mother's house for some reason. She wanted to live there for free and was angry when I moved in after the Covid lockdowns. She didn't see that I had to sacrifice my career in order to take care of the house during the market crash.
There are alot of issues here, including colonization and the 60's scoop. She's my half-sister. Our mom was assaulted on an Indian reserve in Manitoba in 1967. She initially left my sister with her birth father on reserve for the first 3 years of her life, and then forcefully took her away by a court order when she married my dad in 1970. Then, they moved from Manitoba to BC and settled into married life on the coast. My sister had our parents to herself for the next 4 years, until I came along in 1974. There is alot that happened before I was even born, that she has continued to blame me for. She used to beat me with a large metal serving spoon whenever my parents went out. I begged them not to leave me alone with her. She would also break her own toys, and blame me for it so I'd get in trouble.
Our parents separated at the end of 1984. My mom remarried, and I was raised as an only child in another town after the age of 10. My sister opted to stay with my dad, so she was not raised in the same household as me after the divorce.
My parents, including my stepdad, always sheltered my from the worst of my sister's behaviour, but they are all passed away now, and I have no protection. I was already struggling with low self-esteem, lack of confidence, anxiety and depression before all this happened, and now it is much worse. I think my sister intuitively knows this, but does not care and is wanting to "punish me" for all the perceived wrongs that were done to her in her life. She was always very jealous of any success I had in life, regardless of how hard I worked for it.
She doesn't care how hard my mom worked to scrimp and save to put a down payment on her home after the divorce. My stepdad died a year and a half after they bought the house, leaving her with a new mortgage. I had to stay at home longer and pay rent, so she wouldn't lose the house.
I am looking for a lawyer to add to my team that understands BPD and is very experienced with it. The challenge is that I am in Canada, and I don't know anyone here that has this experience. Does anyone know a BPD-experienced lawyer in British Columbia that I could consult with?

[Cmblizzard]

Hello,

My mother passed away in November 2019, just before Covid broke out. I was working in Northern BC Canada at a job I worked very hard to get, and had just received a promotion before she died.
She lived in Southern BC, near Vancouver. I was raised in the south, but could not find work there, so I moved  north and it was very stressful, but I was finally adjusting after 2 years. I was preparing to finally settle into a middle class lifestyle after being raised in austerity.
My mom had a will, which I had read by the lawyer within the first week after her death. She named me as sole executor.
Long story short, my sister with whom I share the estate has had a lifetime of behavioural problems which I could not figure out or handle. I had to resign from my job and move into my mom's house due to Covid travel restrictions, the real estate market crash, and my sister's behaviour.
I have recently been seeing a therapist, who suggested the "Walking on Eggshells book to me". This turned the light on for me and really helped me to understand my sister's behaviour. The problem now is, she's refusing to sign off on the final estate accounting. She is really angry that our mom made me sole executor, giving me all the power and control and her none. She is my elder sister. She's made up alot of angry accusations and wants to fight over anything and everything she can. I can't appease her or reason with her. The government has finished with probate and their tax audit. I was able to sell our mom's house when the market picked up, but my sister is still refusing to sign and is continuing to threaten me with court action. She applied to the Supreme Court to have me removed as executor and put her on instead. She's accusing me of embezzlement, fraud, theft and lying to her. These are all unfounded accusations, but she's already twisting the facts and I am afraid that the courts will believe her over me. These are accusations that could land me in jail at the worst, and cost us our inheritance/ retirement nest egg at best. She doesn't seem to care about the financial costs of fighting me in court, or the health effects on both of us. I am afraid she will just piss away all the money my mom and I worked so hard for. She just wants to "win" because "she always gets screwed" and I am the next one in the line of fire.
The estate lawyer my mom chose is very good at normal estate settlements and mediation, but I don't have confidence in his ability to deal with a BPD beneficiary. He tells me she has the right to ask for a court audit, and he seems to always want to compromise and mediate. He doesn't seem to understand that you can't do that with BPD people. You have to have firm boundaries. My sister has never been good with rules and boundaries. She punches right through them, tears through people's lives like a tornado and leaves a mess behind.
My sister and I are both middle-aged adults, but I seem to be the grown up in the relationship. She has been married for 30 years and has had a household of her own (rental), but was obsessed with our mother's house for some reason. She wanted to live there for free and was angry when I moved in after the Covid lockdowns. She didn't see that I had to sacrifice my career in order to take care of the house during the market crash.
There are alot of issues here, including colonization and the 60's scoop. She's my half-sister. Our mom was assaulted on an Indian reserve in Manitoba in 1967. She initially left my sister with her birth father on reserve for the first 3 years of her life, and then forcefully took her away by a court order when she married my dad in 1970. Then, they moved from Manitoba to BC and settled into married life on the coast. My sister had our parents to herself for the next 4 years, until I came along in 1974. There is alot that happened before I was even born, that she has continued to blame me for. She used to beat me with a large metal serving spoon whenever my parents went out. I begged them not to leave me alone with her. She would also break her own toys, and blame me for it so I'd get in trouble.
Our parents separated at the end of 1984. My mom remarried, and I was raised as an only child in another town after the age of 10. My sister opted to stay with my dad, so she was not raised in the same household as me after the divorce.
My parents, including my stepdad, always sheltered my from the worst of my sister's behaviour, but they are all passed away now, and I have no protection. I was already struggling with low self-esteem, lack of confidence, anxiety and depression before all this happened, and now it is much worse. I think my sister intuitively knows this, but does not care and is wanting to "punish me" for all the perceived wrongs that were done to her in her life. She was always very jealous of any success I had in life, regardless of how hard I worked for it.
She doesn't care how hard my mom worked to scrimp and save to put a down payment on her home after the divorce. My stepdad died a year and a half after they bought the house, leaving her with a new mortgage. I had to stay at home longer and pay rent, so she wouldn't lose the house.
I am looking for a lawyer to add to my team that understands BPD and is very experienced with it. The challenge is that I am in Canada, and I don't know anyone here that has this experience. Does anyone know a BPD-experienced lawyer in British Columbia that I could consult with?

[zachira]

Your mother knew what she was doing when she made you the sole executor and not your sister. My sibling with BPD was the executor of my mother's estate.

You do need a lawyer who understands high conflict people, a term used by Bill Eddy who is an author, lawyer, and social worker specializing in helping in disputes with people with personality disorders like BPD and NPD. I had to find a lawyer to deal with a legal dispute with my sibling with NPD.  I asked people who were the good lawyers, lawyers of any type. I then called these lawyers and got their recommendations. I went through long pipe lines of recommendations and eventually landed a lawyer who knew how to deal with my sibling with NPD, set the right kinds of firm boundaries, and really helped limit me from having to spend exorbitant amounts of money on legal fees on ridiculous arguments, in addition to limiting the duration of the legal dispute.

[livednlearned]

Cmblizzard, you've been through a lot in a short period of time and hopefully when this conflict resolves you can pursue your career again. I also have a sibling with BPD although my parents made him executor. Honestly, I think it would be tough no matter who was executor when someone with BPD is in dysregulation. Conflict seems to go with the territory, even if resolving it would be to their benefit.

 

The estate lawyer my mom chose is very good at normal estate settlements and mediation, but I don't have confidence in his ability to deal with a BPD beneficiary. He tells me she has the right to ask for a court audit, and he seems to always want to compromise and mediate. He doesn't seem to understand that you can't do that with BPD people. You have to have firm boundaries.

I agree with zachira it might be time to find another lawyer, either someone who is familiar with high-conflict people (what Bill Eddy refers to as HCPs), or an attorney who listens to you. At a minimum, having a lawyer who gets it can lower the stress, even if it's still hard to get a good outcome.

If you can't change attorneys or want to give him another chance, what do you think about asking him to suggest ways you can save money? My family law case went on for 4 years. I asked my attorney point blank how I could cut costs, and she gave me some good suggestions.

One thing I learned from those years in court was to always close loopholes where you can. Lawyers are not good at doing that. It took a while for me to realize that my lawyer worked for me, because she had all the knowledge. Once I realized how much time and money and distress it was costing me to deal with those loopholes, I learned how to close them.

I requested to review all documents and when it made sense to do so, added language that included a reasonable consequence. Not punishment, just a consequence. Selling the house, for example. I added language saying I would pick three appraisers, and my ex could select one from that list. If he failed to select one by day/date, then I could go ahead and pick an appraiser.

That way, when things invariably went back to court, the judge could see the consequence in plain sight. "Says here Mr. BPD had until day/date to do xyz. Since that didn't happen, Ms. LnL was permitted to abc. She did that."

Once we got into that groove, the judge began treating each new thing as frivolous, and that meant my ex had to pay my court fees.

Hopefully it won't go that far for you -- I suspect my case was different because my ex was an attorney.

I think the same lessons can be applied. It won't stop your sister from having BPD and being high conflict but maybe there are ways you can work things so she hurts you (and herself) less.