Was it abuse? Tw suicide.

I don’t know if I have the right to be posting on this forum as my bpd ex partner passed away nine years ago. I used to post on this forum a lot about the relationship, it became almost like a diary. He was diagnosed bpd.

I am now dealing with the grief nine years later and I am writing a story from how we met, every single detail I can remember, right to the end because I’m a creative person and I like writing so it’s a good way to express it. Within this I can take accountability for what went wrong but also see what went wrong, what he did wrong and I kind of “write a letter to him” and say “that was crappy of you” or I did that wrong. It sounds stupid but It’s helping.

Brief
We met, it was a long distance relationship, we found out we were going to have a baby way too quickly. Our relationship during the pregnancy was up and down and that was more me just being scared of getting hurt and whatever. But there were times when he lacked empathy. Like I was 25 weeks pregnant and I fainted in his bathroom. As I was coming round I could hear him saying “get up”. I got him to call an ambulance in the end as I didn’t feel right at all. Ambulance came took me to hospital and he just buggered off with his friend to town whilst i was taken to hospital. He couldn’t see why I was hurt by that and said I was faking it. He came with his friend 2 hours later to see me but yeah.

Then after we had our daughter he changed. Me and my newborn daughter moved down to his flat, it lasted three days as I went to have a shower, I put a lullaby on my phone for her and then when I finished I came out and he asked me “are you cheating on me”. I don’t know what he was on about. I couldn’t believe it. And he admitted he went through my phone, idk what he found. So i moved back home.

Then he said in order for us to work out I should move down there so i did, also i wanted my daughter to be near her dad. Then after i moved down there he regretted that I did because he had moved me away from my friends and family. Then he we got back together then split up a few months later and went on some silly “trial separation” and he only loves me as a friend.
Then six months later he wanted to see where stuff goes as he’s been having some feelings after a month of NC. He said he was scared of me getting into another relationship with another guy, it’s different this time round as he’s feelings feel consistent, he looks at me and sees greatness, why would there be any other. “I’m destined to be alone or with you.”

Then….

He got paranoid that me and his friend were getting it off so he slept with his girl mate to get back at us and got an STD then got feelings for her whilst he was trying to work stuff out with me. He couldn’t decide who he had feelings for. He also tried to blame me for giving him the STD tho he knew it was the girl that give it him. He slept in another girls bed but said “nothing happened because he doesn’t role that way”.

“I hurt you, we hurt each other, I don’t want to be in a relationship but i don’t want you to be in one and I know that’s selfish of me. I can’t trust anyone, woman are the enemy. Our daughter is never going to have a step mum. I’m towing you along. I lie to you.i crave to be in love but I can’t. There stuff I’ve wanted to say to you in an argument but I’ve thought about the repercussions.

Then 9 months later I get to the hospital and found out he’s been with a girl for a few months, she’s at his bedside being all weird. He cheated on her with me (I knew nothing of her) That day he found out she was already with someone and I think it triggered him to do what he did.

So as you can see 9 years ago, what a mess. It’s silly thinking about it, it was nine years ago, it’s irrelevant but my question do you think this was abuse? I want opinions so I can start to heal.
Me and my daughter are in a much happier place in life now. I wish he was still here and got to see his daughter grow up.



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