I think I have to break up with my GFwBPD but im scared for her wellbeing

[detective straw]

I met her almost a year ago and it was the usual pattern of BPD relationships from what I have learned. She felt so perfect for me but I now know this is because of her disorder and her changing herself to be what I wanted. Things gradually got worse and more intense arguments and fights and its at the point for the past few months where im being mentally, emotionally and physically abused. She is diagnosed and has been living in care since she was a young child, she told me about her diagnosis early on, before I asked her out and I thought it would be okay and that I could make it work. It did for a little bit but eventually my own mental health started getting worse and I don't think I can do it nor should I have to experience what happens. I should have been more careful and done more research because I was not stable myself going into the relationship so I was in no postion to help her, but I convinced myself and her that I could do it.

There has been numerous times where she has tried to break up with me, yet I always tried to get her back and convince her I will change and better myself so that I don't trigger her anymore, even though deep down I knew that the things I was being told to do were unreasonable and unfair. I suspect I am autistic and I have issues with social interaction and anxiety and opening up / showing emotions. This is a big factor in our arguments and how I trigger her since I get accused of facial expressions and tones that I am not consciously doing, but that affect her mood and often make her angrier and more frustrated.

I want to end this I feel like I need to for myself as I feel excluded and isolated, Ive stopped speaking to friends, I'm refusing offers to hang out with old and new people because of how she would feel about it. My issue is I have such immense feelings of guilt to leave her, I'm scared to even bring it up because of what might happen, im scared that she will hurt herself or kill herself. She is very ill physically as well and has been for ages. I tried to encourage her to get medical help but this is especially difficult for her because of past trauma.

Right now I feel like if i leave she will have nothing and will be in such a bad position in her life that I believe she would commit suicide and I think these beliefs are valid as she has a history of suicide attempts her entire life, and also since I met her there has been times where I've directly stopped her from doing it, She self harms frequently, almost every big argument, yet the method and intensity is variable.

She hates her family and they don't like her either ( her family being the cause of a lot of her issues and she lives in a different city to any of them ), she isn't close with any of her friends ( not close enough that she would go to them for help) and we are planning for her to move in with me and my roommate since she will lose her house as she has just started uni and her benefits that pay for her housing will stop. She is legally unfit to work due to her condition and so all her income is from government benefits but more recently a student loan.

I really feel like I need to get out but I just can't because i don't know what will happen to her and I can't live with her death being on my hands. I know I shouldn't blame myself for whatever happens, but if it does happen then I will blame myself I don't know how to handle that. I have a bad support system myself with low confidence in my friends, I find it hard to open up and speak to people about how I feel, including my family, and my both my parents passed away a couple years ago (im 20).

I really don't know what to do or how to go about it.

[Pook075]

Hey Detective, thanks for sharing and I am very sorry for what you're going through.

First thing's first- do not have her move in with you!  If you're unsure about the relationship right now, it's only going to get worse once she's in your home and has to relocate.  If it makes it easier, make your roommate the bad guy/girl and blame it on them.

Second, BPD's have a history of burning bridges with friends, family, and partner relationships. This is not your fault, so don't feel like because she has nobody to turn to for help, that you're obligated to stay in the relationship.  The problem here is her cycle of abuse towards others and not being able to build relationships.

Third, if she needs medical attention (mental or physical), then you might have resources available to you in order to get her some help.  If she threatens to harm herself (or others), then dial 9-1-1.  Crisis adverted.  She will be angry at you but again, that's ultimately not your problem.

Fourth, you have to talk this out with friends and family...at least the part that you're struggling.  She will not like this because she has nobody to turn to, but this is about you for the moment.  Your mental health always comes 1st.  Read the stickies at the top of this page and start investing more time in your own mental health.

I hope that helps!