Borderline ex and new wife

[Remainedbehind]

I want to tell my story.
About 7 years ago I had a breakup with a girl, I was in a bad place, went back on tinder and met someone else. The first date was weird, she showed 0 interest at all. She was also talking about another guy she had met who was rude to her, telling she would become too fat to be loved by him. She told me a lot of stories about bad guys she met and hoping she found someone decent this time. After a few days she agreed to meet me again and from that day on we met on a daily base. After about a week she wanted to sleep in my house, she would cook for me, she took me to her friends, her friends slept in my house and she kinda forced herself in getting a key, because she behaved like she lived in my house. A week later we had our first fight, I myself have autism, and I get nervous from going somewhere without a plan for example to park. She suddenly decided to park somewhere else because her friends did not want to walk too far. We drove 45 minutes around, with 4 talking women in the car, making me nuts. I had a meltdown in front of her friends. I was able to make things up. During the relationship a guy constantly kept texting her, she told me about him, but from what I heard she hated him because of the fat comment. Later I found out they were probably already a while in a relationship, but she had my pictures on her fb and everything. She gave me a name of the guy, I wanted to tell him to quit but the name was fake, I could not find him on fb due to that.

The relationship itself was weird, she would read in my phone, but I thought this was because of all the bad experiences before and she could also be very nice, like cleaning my house, ironing my clothes, … she made love in a passionate way and actually autism and her character seem to work well together.

After about two months I need to take my summer holiday, I had the ticket before I met her, I was afraid but on the other hand we had longterm plans, even marriage was a possibility. And I constantly updated her, talked to her and made her feel she could trust me. Except one night I had a jet lag and I slept. I did not hear her call. She was convinced I was cheating. The next day I notice her fb location (back in the day you get constant reminders where your friends are) is a village where that one guy lives. I ask her about it, she tells me she is with a friend, I know it’s not correct but I think ok let’s just make her calm. The time goes on, a friend of her who lives in the country where I am calls me to check on me. For the rest of the vacation al goes fine, she meets her friends, goes to the beach, she calls me with her friends, lots of Facebook updates about the activities. Then she is one day completely offline, location was switched off too btw. She told me she went to the beach again. I ask her friend how it was but she tells me she did not join. I just let it be, everything back to normal. The day before I go back home she removes our relationship from fb, she is completely angry and then a few hours later everything is back ok. I go home, she bought a cake for me, sweet note and she lies in my bed waiting for me. I was tired but she insisted having sex. The next day we wake up, she goes to her job, I pick her up we make pictures, in the reactions on Facebook she says she wants to marry me. And then she goes home. We had plans for the night but before I pick her up she calls me and tells me she cheated with that guy. I forgave her, wanted to solve it but nothing helped. She was like at the one moment attracting me at the other pushing me away. We got into terrible fights she told many lies about me, that I was a drug addict and so on. One of her friends defended me and she was also being blacklisted by the whole community of her friends. But also she kept on looking for contact. Sometimes directly sometimes through other people.
Because I remained with questions and I also felt she loved me I kept thinking of her, following her traces a bit online, writing her sometimes short email (email was never blocked) to wish her happy birthday or to ask her how she was. She did the same sometimes. I got into a new relationship with a boring girl that I married and have kid with but we kept having some contact. Sometimes even on a daily base.

This year I noticed she broke up again with her ex when I was watching her fb. I talked to her on WhatsApp and she did not tell me but a month later I got an email announcing her divorce (strange she always uses WhatsApp) . During the last talk on WhatsApp I was telling my wife does not have a job but I was even defensive about it. That as long we get around it is ok. I never told her my relationship was not that super. But when she talked one month later to me, she told me she messaged me again because last time I complained so hard about my wife and …

We decided to meet, the first time she drunk quite a lot but it felt like in the old days. And guess what we had sex. The day after she tells me it was nothing, I should stay with my wife etc. Later we met again but no sex happening but there is like the atmosphere of our first dates. A bit distant but also in a way she likes to have more. It is so weird and I feel extremely bad every time I saw her but when the moment comes to see her I want her with all my heart.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and thanks for sharing- this is a really tough topic and I apologize that no one has responded sooner.  My heart is torn on the advice to give here.

First off, I feel for your wife.  If you love her and intend to stay with her, then you must be faithful.  Everyone here understands how powerful a BPD ex is in drawing us back in, and you're not the first or the last who made a bad decision.  As your ex told you though, it meant nothing and she was simply having some fun.  Believe her words!

In your mind, you may be thinking that if you leave your wife and go back to your ex, you'll have this magical relationship where she will always be there for you and love you unconditionally.  Unfortunately, that's just not what happens.  People w/ BPD go through a constant relationship cycle due to their intense emotions.  At first, they see someone as perfect and echo their emotions to make it feel like destiny.  But not too long after, they come back down to Earth and begin to resent their spouses for not being who they thought they were. 

They live off emotion 100% of the time and seeking what feels right in the moment, which is why she still reaches out to you.  But hopefully you realize that when she's not talking to you, she's doing the same with someone else.  It's sad and heartbreaking for sure, but you can't throw away your marriage to pursue this relationship.  There are countless stories of others here who have been in the exact same position and almost every single one of them regretted it.

One last thing, you mentioned that your wife is "boring".  I can understand that since your BPD ex is fun and exciting...anyone would seem boring in comparison.  But this is not a competition and you need to remember that your wife chooses you and your child faithfully.  That's what should matter here above all else.

I wish you luck, my friend, and I will pray for you.  Hopefully you can find the answers to get through this.

[uncleflo]

In your mind, you may be thinking that if you leave your wife and go back to your ex, you'll have this magical relationship where she will always be there for you and love you unconditionally.  Unfortunately, that's just not what happens.  People w/ BPD go through a constant relationship cycle due to their intense emotions.  At first, they see someone as perfect and echo their emotions to make it feel like destiny.  But not too long after, they come back down to Earth and begin to resent their spouses for not being who they thought they were.

Wonderfully said, Pook.

I like to think of them as spellcasters. I'm not sure if anybody watched Game of Thrones (and if you haven't and don't want to be spoiled, look away!). There is a character in the show who is a beautiful, sexy witch who uses sex, seduction, and beauty to mesmerize those she's looking to capture. When she takes off her necklace, however, she's an old, haggard, hunched-over shell of a person who looks nothing like the illusion she casts. With my spouse, she sucked me into her spell, I bought it hook-line-and-sinker, and then she gets bored and discarded me, leaving me holding a bag of confusion every single time. When she grows tired of playing the game with others, she comes back to me to try her spell on me again, and most times I fall for it because it is so alluring each time she casts her spell. That said, when she realized the spell was no longer working on me and I was waking up to her magic show, she turned me as black as oil. Though I have great compassion for everybody who struggles with BPD  - it can't be easy to have to put on the smoke-and-mirror necklace to cover up all the deep pain they feel inside - the game isn't worth playing on our part. It just leaves you holding that bag of confusion again and again and again. Better to drop the bag and find somebody who isn't an illusion. My two cents. 

Unc

[Remainedbehind]

I kept on seeing her. We even traveled together for 3 weeks. It was 3 weeks of push and pull, she is constantly flirting, the behavior is close to being in a relationship, but there is no relationship. We had sex, we slept together some times without sex but there is a constant relationship vibe between us. During the sex, after about 10 minutes she suddenly stops, goes off me and freezes. She even moves to a different room after washing herself.
After the vacation we kept on having daily contact, she kept on flirting, hinting on having massage or having a date. The moment I ask her she reacts pushy. She told me she does not want me to pay for food anymore, that I better save the money for my kid and wife (while she knows we look to have divorce). After a week she kinda invites herself to go eat a burlesque style restaurant and that I can treat her. Then she is absent for a few days and apparently she has different plans for the day we would meet. It is like everything is a big test to see if I stay around.
Also the texting behavior, she starts conversations like:
- one of my friends is pregnant
- the weather is good today
- I want to buy a car
…
Completely nonsense stuff to start a conversation because she needs attention.

[Pook075]

I kept on seeing her. We even traveled together for 3 weeks. It was 3 weeks of push and pull, she is constantly flirting, the behavior is close to being in a relationship, but there is no relationship. We had sex, we slept together some times without sex but there is a constant relationship vibe between us. During the sex, after about 10 minutes she suddenly stops, goes off me and freezes. She even moves to a different room after washing herself.
After the vacation we kept on having daily contact, she kept on flirting, hinting on having massage or having a date. The moment I ask her she reacts pushy. She told me she does not want me to pay for food anymore, that I better save the money for my kid and wife (while she knows we look to have divorce). After a week she kinda invites herself to go eat a burlesque style restaurant and that I can treat her. Then she is absent for a few days and apparently she has different plans for the day we would meet. It is like everything is a big test to see if I stay around.
Also the texting behavior, she starts conversations like:
- one of my friends is pregnant
- the weather is good today
- I want to buy a car
…
Completely nonsense stuff to start a conversation because she needs attention.

Please take a look at the previous comments since the advice still applies.  If your marriage is over then so be it, but you're playing a very dangerous game and there's a child to think about as well.  Again, I feel for your wife and what she must be going through.