Sexual abuse allegations

[CravingPeace]

So my partner has multiple times in our relationship talked about sexual abuse. (Over 15 years)

1. When we first met she said she had been gang date raped, she went to the crisis center. They were sent to prison. She never spoke about it again. Whenever I have asked if she has brought this up in therapy to get help she gets extremely annoyed and will not discuss it.  Since that time I have seen many reports in the news about this when it does occur in the armed forces. It seems something this bad gets reported when there is a criminal sentences. However I could never find anything in the time range when it happened discussing this.

2. She says when her parents divorced she was basically homeless. She has said things like "what do you think happens to a 13 year old girl who is homeless sleeping on friends couches" - She will never elaborate.

3. We had a fight one night she left in the early part of our relationship. The next day she told me the taxi driver pulled over as she was so upset and tried to sexually assault her

4. I found some texts between her and a guy it was very inappropriate and looked like an affair. I questioned her she broke down crying saying she had an affair, but they never had sex and he tried to go inside her when she was asleep and she didnt want it so she ran. Now he is stalking her. I called the police to protect her, the police spoke with him and when they came to speak to us they asked my wife if she was safe etc. As if I was abusing her. She said he must have made it up. I now wonder if she was telling him I was abusing her to play the victim card with him. I nearly left her, but her dad persuaded me she was a good girl she made a mistake she would not do it again. This was over ten years ago, we got married and had kids. I accepted all she said I wasn't giving her enough attention, she thought I was having an affair etc etc. She was lonely etc etc I felt so bad I did everything I could to try and fix things.

Now I know clearly I have issues to have bought in to all of this, but all I ever did was try to look out for her and keep her safe. I now see my issues in terms of Codependancy and I am working on myself. But could any of the above be true? Or was it all just made up for sympathy/ to be the victim/ to suck me in.  How do you even find out the truth, if I act like I don't believe I am a horrible person. If I dare to ask her she shuts down. But none of it feels right. I am making progress on myself but I still get told I am horrible person, I am useless,I am selfish, I am thoughtless/ I dont care about her etc etc but with a newborn it is crushingly hard. I am doing the nights at weekend with the baby, in the week when I am working keeping the baby till 12pm and taking him again at 6am, then getting the other kids ready for school, making lunches, taking them to school etc etc before going to work. She was angry this morning that the schedule doesn't work, which she brought up as I was leaving the door... Not sure what else I can do. Probably nothing which is the sad realty of this. I am facing up to the fact I should not be in the relationship, but in a position right now where I must stay.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hey Facing.  This is a really tough topic and unfortunately, there are not solid answers. 

My wife has spoken of being raped by an ex boyfriend while they were dating (this was before we were married 25+ years ago).  However, she continued to have sex with him and early on when we were dating, she'd mention times when they fooled around at the beach, etc.  And I thought, how could the rape allegation possibly be true if she continued fooling around with him?  For 20+ years, I really didn't know what to think.

When my wife and I started fooling around pre-marriage, she would show up at my house before college to "wake me up."  Obviously pleasant memories for me but again, I didn't see how it fit with the rape narrative that would have happened maybe 6 months before that.  I wouldn't even set an alarm though because I knew she'd be there 2-3 times a week and it would be a great morning- fooling around, breakfast together, then we'd go to class together.

We separated about 13-14 months ago and not long after that, my wife met me at a local restaurant and told me that she was so aggressive sexually when we first got together so I could never rape her.  I was speechless- what the heck?  But she explained that she continued having sex with her ex (from 25+ years ago) after the rape so he could never do it again.  And once we got into a relationship, she did the same thing with me to protect herself.  She also said that's why she almost never said no to sex throughout our marriage, she wasn't going to give me the chance to rape her so she always said yes.

I bring this up not to talk about my life, but to show the complex, painful mind of someone with BPD.  I spent months trying to decipher what this even meant and it traumatized me- how could my wife keep this to herself for decades?  But it's something she lived with and stayed silent on for her entire adult life.

My 25 year old daughter is also BPD and has claimed to be raped more times than I can count.  Do I believe her?  Yes, but it's complicated too because this isn't a black and white, right or wrong type of story either.

My advice to you is to avoid this topic in your marriage because it is probably laced with a powder keg of situations you know nothing about.  If your wife lied about you to a taxi driver, well, there are worse things in the world that can happen.  Trust me, let it go because it likely came from something much darker that you're better off not knowing about.  If your wife does bring it up though, then I'd highly recommend counseling since it's the same as PTSD (or complex PTSD, which has tons of similarities to BPD and could easily be mistaken for one another).

Good luck, my friend.  You are in a very tough position and I hope you'll use this site to educate yourself on better communication tactics and boundaries.  The sticky threads along the top of the site are invaluable tools to help you get started.  Please feel free to ask away if you have any questions.

[Rev]

Hi Craving Peace,

Let me also say welcome and I'm really sorry that you've found yourself in the middle of such a turbulent situation.

Pook here has offered a perspective that will get the ball rolling.  I will hold back from adding anything, because as he rightly points out, every situation is different.

I would concur that I would not push into or pull away from any stories regarding abuse. They are very common among people who suffer from BPD.  So it's best not to "believe or not believe" the story, but rather focus on being as supportive as possible (note as possible - boundaries are really important) in the moment.

There lots and lots of wisdom here. Lots of compassion too.  There is one thing you'll never find though. And that is judgement. Zero judgement.

Reach out when you are ready. 

Rev

[Pook075]

Hey Facing.  This is a really tough topic and unfortunately, there are not solid answers. 

My wife has spoken of being raped by an ex boyfriend while they were dating (this was before we were married 25+ years ago).  However, she continued to have sex with him and early on when we were dating, she'd sort of brag about times when they fooled around at the beach, etc.  And I thought, how could the rape allegation possibly be true if she is talking about it like that?  For 20+ years, I really didn't know what to think.

When my wife and I started fooling around while we were dating, she would show up at my house before college to "wake me up."  Obviously pleasant memories for me but again, I didn't see how it fit with the rape narrative that would have happened maybe 6 months before that.  I wouldn't even set an alarm though because I knew she'd be there 2-3 times a week and it would be a great morning- fooling around, breakfast together, then we'd go to class together.

We separated about 13-14 months ago and not long after, my wife met me at a local restaurant and told me that she was so aggressive sexually when we first got together so I could never rape her.  I was speechless- what the heck?  But she explained that she continued having sex with her ex (from 25+ years ago) after the rape so he could never do it again.  And once we got into a relationship, she did the same thing with me to protect herself.  She also said that's why she almost never said no to sex throughout our marriage, she wasn't going to give me the chance to rape her so she always said yes. 

I bring this up not to talk about my life, but to show the complex, painful mind of someone with BPD.  I spent months trying to decipher what this even meant and it traumatized me- how could my wife keep this to herself for decades?  But it's something she lived with and stayed silent on for her entire adult life.  When she told me about it, she was weeping and shaking...it was easily the most painful moments of my life and I can't imagine the courage it took for her to share it and the pain that it caused.

My 25 year old daughter is also BPD and has claimed to be raped multiple times.  Do I believe her?  Yes, but it's complicated too because this isn't a black and white, right or wrong type of story either.  Regardless if it's 100% a true story or not, the trauma is very real and it lasts a lifetime.

My advice to you is to avoid this topic in your marriage because it is probably laced with a powder keg of situations you know nothing about.  If your wife lied about you to a taxi driver, well, there are worse things in the world that can happen.  Trust me, let it go because it likely came from something much darker that you're better off not knowing about.  If your wife does bring it up though, then I'd highly recommend counseling since it's the same as PTSD (or complex PTSD, which has tons of similarities to BPD and could easily be mistaken for one another).

Good luck, my friend.  You are in a very tough position and I hope you'll use this site to educate yourself on better communication tactics and boundaries.  The sticky threads along the top of the site are invaluable tools to help you get started.  Please feel free to ask away if you have any questions.

[Pook075]

Yes, please...do not hesitate to ask specific questions.  We are here to help in any way that we can.

[CravingPeace]

Thanks for the advice! It is definately something I need to avoid bringing up. But I get the point something darker could have occurred.