Feel Alone, Need to Take My Life Back

[LikeIvory]

Hello.
I’ve been living with my brother who has BPD since Nov. 2020. He just came back from a year-long stay in the UK for school. He thought he would be going back this fall but money issues have kept him at home with me for the time being. Right now, since he’s bored, he’s struggling with keeping himself entertained as he is applying for jobs. This means he has been cross-dressing and meeting random men to hook up which means my anxiety has been a rollercoaster. I’ve tried to set boundaries (be home by X time, do not drink and drive, leave your location on at all times, etc.) and sometimes he can remember to respect them. It’s affected my sleep schedule as I can’t sleep until I know he’s home & safe. Today, though, was a tough day. He decided to come out to my mom that he would like to transition and become a woman. He didn’t get the loving reaction he wanted from my mom AT FIRST but I encouraged him to give her a second chance. I was so scared because he started to say he would plan on killing himself one day because of my mom’s reaction. It seemed like just a regular intense emotional reaction but he has had suicide attempts in the past but it’s been almost 5 years. What do I do?

[zachira]

Setting boundaries with a family member with BPD is so challenging, especially when you live with the person and suicide threats are in the picture. Continuing to find out what boundaries work best for you with your brother will help you to cope and take care of yourself. You already have some good boundaries which your brother continues to test and ignore when he chooses. I have several disordered family members, some with BPD, and many with emotional dysregulation challenges. For me, the number one boundary has been to follow the best piece of advice my therapist gave me, which was when in the presence of a disordered person to focus on how I feel inside instead of observing and taking on the feelings of the disordered person. There are many members on this site who will help and reply to your posts. We are all work in progress here, and many us have spent many months and years learning how to better cope with our disordered family members. Post as often as you like. There is no such thing as a post that is too long. We are here to listen to you in the most challenging times as well as hear about the things that make life so much more rewarding for you.

[zachira]

Setting boundaries with a family member with BPD is so challenging, especially when you live with the person and suicide threats are in the picture. Continuing to find out what boundaries work best for you with your brother will help you to cope and take care of yourself. You already have some good boundaries which your brother continues to test and ignore when he chooses. I have several disordered family members, some with BPD, and many with emotional dysregulation challenges. For me, the number one boundary has been to follow the best piece of advice my therapist gave me, which was when in the presence of a disordered person to focus on how I feel inside instead of observing and taking on the feelings of the disordered person.  We are all work in progress here on this site, and many us have spent many months and years learning how to better cope with our disordered family members. Post as often as you like. There is no such thing as a post that is too long. We are here to listen to you in the most challenging times as well as hear about the things that make life so much easier and rewarding for you.

[wormslearntofly]

Hi there.

It sounds like your living situation is intense. I’m very sorry for that. Not being able to relax is a terrible situation to be in.

I’d like to respectfully point out that that giving your brother a curfew, telling him to leave his location on, don’t drink and drive aren’t actually boundaries - they are rules. Rules are for others, boundaries are for yourself.

Can you think of ways to turn these rules into boundaries? That way you may feel more you have better control of your life. We have very little control over what others do, that’s why we create boundaries, to protect ourselves from other peoples actions. How can you protect yourself[\b] from your brothers actions?

When you think of some ways it’s worth discussing with your brother the boundaries you have put in place so he’s aware. There might be some compromise to be had. Some examples of what this might look like:
“I’m not going to bail you out when you’ve gotten in trouble”
“I’m not going to be facilitate your drinking”
“If you start talking to me about your escapades I’m going to leave the room”.

This may seem like odd advice, you might think “It’s not me that needs protecting! It’s my brother who is acting recklessly!”. That may be so, but on the assumption that he’s an adult (I don’t know this for sure), there’s nothing you can do about how he chooses to live his life.

It’s perhaps worth asking yourself why you feel a responsibility over your brother and why you have so much anxiety over him. It sounds like you are taking on the weight of the world on your shoulders right now. I wonder if he knows that you have so much anxiety and that he is at the centre of it?

Good luck.