MY 1st THREAD! Mom has BPD

[zoesmom]

As mentioned, this is my first post as I am a new member of Oz! I’m 27 with 3 siblings ages 25-30, and our mother is 50 despite her BPD mindset and behaviors that suggest she is psychologically 20 or younger. I have a lot of empathy for her since her relationship with her mother has never been good (poor attachment at birth) and she lost her father in a drunk driving accident at 18. I didn’t realize until recently in therapy, self-reflection, and my own mental health struggles that her emotional trauma does not excuse the emotional abuse and overall stunting of her children’s development of self and identity. Even now I struggle to write this, knowing there is the tiniest possibility she will see it and react or think of me poorly—that I’m writing this to hurt her. My therapist asked me recently, “If you knew her reaction couldn’t affect you, what would you do differently?” So now I am healing and changing the way I think so that I can do everything that I (ME, no one else) want to do. I’m sure I’ll have plenty more to contribute over time, but for now I am looking for support in knowing I’m not the only one fighting for the life I want while grieving the mother I thought I had and never will have. I am looking forward to reading all your stories 

[livednlearned]

I like your relationship status: "at arm's length."  

It took me decades to figure out how to manage an arm's length relationship with my dysfunctional family (uBPD brother, an adult child mother, and a father with narcissistic traits).

Something that was quite hard to overcome was the overwhelming physical sensation of guilt I felt when I made healthy choices that broke with family expectations.

I would go into situations determined to stand up for myself only to cave. It wasn't until I kind of dropped into my body and paid attention to what was going on there that I started to manage a bit better.

It's gutting when we end up with mother's who aren't emotionally safe. I peg my mother somewhere between age 9 and 16 depending on her circumstances. I have no idea what it feels like to turn to a mother for advice or friendship. It didn't register until I was in my 40s that I kept emotionally injuring myself every time I hoped she would become the mother she never was.

I hope you experience some relief in letting go of the fantasy. I found relief and grief, but doing so led to finding effective ways at keeping myself safe, and from there I built enough strength to have sustained contact with my family (at arm's length).

[wormslearntofly]

Welcome! I could have written this post, minus grandfather dying young.

I think a lot of people around our age have parents somewhere in the cluster B personality disorder range as a result of the strict parenting our parents received. Due to the time they grew up in, war and post war, their own parents had a “make do and shut up” attitude. Our generation still feel the pain of our parents growing up in this environment. We must break the cycle.

Thankfully we now know a lot more about the trauma induced by strict parenting and lack of affection, so we’re well placed to do so.

[Teach21]

As mentioned, this is my first post as I am a new member of Oz! I’m 27 with 3 siblings ages 25-30, and our mother is 50 despite her BPD mindset and behaviors that suggest she is psychologically 20 or younger. I have a lot of empathy for her since her relationship with her mother has never been good (poor attachment at birth) and she lost her father in a drunk driving accident at 18. I didn’t realize until recently in therapy, self-reflection, and my own mental health struggles that her emotional trauma does not excuse the emotional abuse and overall stunting of her children’s development of self and identity. Even now I struggle to write this, knowing there is the tiniest possibility she will see it and react or think of me poorly—that I’m writing this to hurt her. My therapist asked me recently, “If you knew her reaction couldn’t affect you, what would you do differently?” So now I am healing and changing the way I think so that I can do everything that I (ME, no one else) want to do. I’m sure I’ll have plenty more to contribute over time, but for now I am looking for support in knowing I’m not the only one fighting for the life I want while grieving the mother I thought I had and never will have. I am looking forward to reading all your stories 

I just want you to know that you are not alone! I relate to your post but am 51. I'm so glad you have discovered this at a younger age and are learning how to deal with this and heal.

[beatricex]

hi zoesmom,

welcome

Your mom had your oldest sibling when she was quite young (20 yo?).  My mom had my oldest brother when she was in high school.  I wonder if this is common with BPD's to have children quite young?

A lot of what you're posting about is pretty normal stuff.  Fear your mom will come here and find your post....fear of the repercussions of that.

I can tell you I worried about that a lot at first, but then I realized my Mother is so out of touch with me and self absorbed, she wouldn't even recognize it was me.  I mean I can stand in front of her, a few inches from her nose and scream "HEY MOM, It's me B, do you Recognize me?" and she'll tell me some untruth about me.  Like she will say "Oh, you're not an Introvert, you're an outgoing person!  You love to socialize." 

I am totally an introvert.  I take the Meyer's Briggs personality test at least once a decade and it's never changed.  I'm still an INTJ, same as always! 

That our mothers do not recognize us is one of the gifts.

Have you read the book by Scott Peck "Children of the Self Absorbed."  This was one of the first books I read after learning my Mom is personality disordered.  It's about narcissism but it really fits for my Mom/Dad duo.  She takes on my Dad's personality traits a lot.  Like she will go along with his religion and politics, and won't have her own opinion about things.

Anyway, welcome here and you are amongst friends here, we get it.  Feel free to share more if you're comfortable.  I have literally wrote pages about my Mom (here and elsewhere) and I still find things to say about her.  In mourning, in grief, in elation, in joy cause I went No Contact again.  It's all good.

We won't judge you here
hugs,
b