Thanks for the very thoughtful response. You ask some really good and important questions which I am actually having a hard time answering. I guess I’m a little confused about what I want.
Hey Broken, it's normal to be confused or conflicted about our feelings in any breakup, so don't think that you're the only one. This thread would probably fit better in the "conflicted about continuing" category since you'd get advice on both sides- recommitting or walking away.
...I don’t know if that’s relevant because she was willing to get individual counseling, couples, counseling, and DBT...
That's encouraging since she saw there was a problem and was willing to get help working through it. What happened next, did you guys ever get into counseling? Or did she meet with a therapist?
I ask these questions because for someone with BPD, it is an incredibly long road before they have the self realization that they actually need help. For her to share this with you, it means that she trusted you quite a bit.
Think of this from the perspective of an alcoholic or drug addict, which is completely different from what your ex was going through, but it's the same type of healing journey. Actively accepting there's a problem is a massive step that some people never reach in life.
I believe I had a reasonable, hope that the relationship might have a chance, but now I really have no idea I have had to except the fact that I do not know what she is thinking or feeling, and have no idea whatsoever what her thoughts are about our relationship if any.
In my experiences with multiple BPD's in my life, there's so much guilt, shame, self pity, and confusion just under the surface, they can't bring themselves to say how they really feel when the world doesn't make sense. So they suffer in silence because of their fears of rejection and as that turmoil builds, they begin to question the relationship and everyone's motives around them. They think, "If I just change this in my life, things will be better." But the part that has to actually change is themselves.
To know what she's feeling, you have to lovingly ask her after you've reached a certain level of trust, and it sounds like you had at one point.
The same is true about restoring the relationship; it would start by rebuilding trust and openness.
She made it very clear that she didn’t want to give me any reason for false hope. I am totally respecting her boundaries and abiding by our communications agreement.
A BPD's greatest fear is being abandoned, so they will push us away to avoid giving us the chance of abandoning them, which causes their greatest internal fears to come true. I think of it as a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way because it happens so often. If we're being honest, it is heartbreaking to imagine anyone living that way and sabotaging almost every relationship that they hold close to their hearts.
Respecting her boundaries is very important but at the same time, it would not be a mistake to reach out from time to time to gauge where she's at emotionally. As I said earlier though, after six months the conversation wouldn't be "Hey, do you want to get back together and give this another shot?" It would be, "I still care about you and want to see if we can find some mutual trust and friendship."
Part of me wants to definitely reconcile with her knowing that I have absolutely no power or control over whether that ever happens another part of me thinks , it would not be a good idea to resume the relationship because it really was so devastating.
That's good that you can see both sides of the coin here, and it may help to think about what would need to change in order for you to have a two-way relationship where you did have some say in the matter. What would have to happen for that to become a reality? Likewise, what would you have to do differently on your end to give the relationship a better chance of success?