Dealing with pain

[rayndance]

Hello, new to the page. I came to ask for support with an issue that keeps getting worse. How do you support a spouse that finds evidence of cheating, abandonment, HIV, etc. in what is a normal routine. Sometimes the only way to stop it is to "own it," when it is not true, and I am trying to stop that. Yes, I have read that you don't deny, rather validate their feelings, but I have not been able to reduce his fears. Tips?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi rayndance and welcome. Rest assured you're with people who "get it"; these are really challenging relationships.

You mention that the paranoia/blame issue keeps getting worse -- how long has it been going on? And how long have you and your spouse been together?

It's interesting that you mention that you've tried "owning it". What did that look like -- agreeing with him, something else? Sounds like that hasn't ultimately helped, which isn't surprising.

We have a brief discussion of Paranoid Personality Disorder vs BPD that you can check out. Another resource that could help is the book    
I am Not Sick I Don't Need Help! by Dr. Xavier Amador. While the book was motivated by his interactions with his schizophrenic brother, the approaches may be helpful when interacting with paranoid statements, whether the speaker has schizophrenia or not.

Are either or both of you doing any therapy right now?

Looking forward to hearing more about what's going on for you;

kells76

[Pook075]

Hello and thanks so much for sharing.  This is a complicated question with a complicated answer, but I'll give it my best try.

You should not "own it" when an accusation is false.  What you should do is understand your partner's concern and focus on where the feelings are coming from- what happened directly before the accusation?  What happened that made your partner feel neglected or insecure?  That's the root of the problem and we can all understand that feeling since we've been scared, depressed, or other similar emotions.

For example, when he says "you're cheating on me", that's coming from a place of insecurity where he's feeling scared or unloved.  So you comfort him and give him what he's seeking- positive reinforcement and affection.  That helps the moment pass and return to your baseline behaviors.

One quick story that my wife told me shortly after we separated.  A few months earlier, she walked into the kitchen and looked like she was about to burst into tears.  She looked completely defeated and without a word, I went to her and hugged her.  I might have asked her what was wrong or if she was okay, I can't remember, but I held her for maybe 10-15 seconds and then went back to the stove since I was cooking something at the time.  My wife left for work shortly thereafter and I didn't think about it again.

After the breakup, she screamed at me that I saw how badly she was hurting and I hugged her, but chose to let go when she needed me more than anything in the world.  And I remember being so shocked, so off guard by that comment- why wouldn't she say that in the moment instead of feeling broken and rejected all day?  It was never my intention at all, but I couldn't see the gravity of the situation or possibly understand how she felt in that moment.

From that moment forward, I received the silent treatment.  I had no idea why as our marriage spiraled, but now I at least think that I truly understand.  It's not what your spouse says in the moment that actually matters, it's the feelings that they're hiding that is driving their actions and emotions.

I share this story with you to say that love and compassion have to be the hallmarks of a BPD relationship, and you won't always have clear words to base your reactions off of.  Paying attention to the emotions is critical, even when you have no idea where they come from.

I hope that helps and again, welcome to the family!

[SaltyDawg]

rayndance,

Welcome to bpdfamily.

Short version:

Do not validate the invalid.  Say something like "I am sorry you FEEL that way".  Don't acknowledge whatever they are falsely accusing you of, only validate their feelings, not the false narrative.

If a false narrative is being given by the person with BPD (pwBPD) and it is intentional - usually NPD does this, it is abusive gaslighting.  However, if it is done subconsciously (not intentional) expressing their feelings as facts is what I observe with my wife, they are disassociating.  Both feel like gas-lighting, but the intentionality of 'how they do it' will determine if it is gaslighting or disassociating. 

When my wife returns to being regulated, and she brings it up again, I ask her "Could you be so kind as to share the facts that support your feelings?"  If she accuses me of something ridiculous, like not doing anything around them home or with the children, I then list everything I did (which she agrees with), and then I pose the question, can you tell me how this is not doing ______?    If she dysregulates, then I 'gray rock' (do not JADE), or she processes it, and remains quiet, since she cannot refute, and cannot accept that she is wrong.  She occasionally apologizes for it; however, she cannot comprehend what she did wrong (still a work in progress)...

Have more questions, please ask.

Take care with self-care.

[rayndance]

Awesome update I want to share. After reading and looking around the website, I got to hear, "maybe you DO understand." I almost cried.

[Pook075]

Awesome update I want to share. After reading and looking around the website, I got to hear, "maybe you DO understand." I almost cried.

Good stuff, I'm glad that the tides are turning for you.  Please keep us updated.

[SaltyDawg]

raydance,

   Good initial progress.  Keep reading, keep learning.  You need to be mindful that your pwBPD thinks and processes things differently.

   Right now I am being trained on becoming a crisis counselor (halfway through), and they emphasize validating their feelings, even if the facts do not match.

   Be mindful of the symptoms and there will be setbacks, it will not be a linear progression.  You will have good days, and then you will have bad days.

   Keep asking questions, and if you give more of your story (you can vent here if you would like).  If you are uncomfortable, then simply read the story of others, as the BPD narrative shares some common themes and behaviors and how to manage how to deal with them.  You are bound to find similarities between your pwBPD and those here on this forum.

    The biggest take-a-ways I have is how you communicate with a pwBPD and to have healthy boundaries that you can enforce.  Drill down on my previous posts to others, I post on all boards, as all boards are relevant to me.