Cptsd and lost time

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

Has anyone else lost time or memories from their childhood?  My sister remembers so much more than me and I find it disorientating.  My response to physical and emotional abuse was to dissociate, while my sister's was to fight.  Why are her memories more intact?  How do I heal without access to my memories? 

[Zabava]

Hi everyone,

Has anyone else lost time or memories from their childhood?  My sister remembers so much more than me and I find it disorientating.  My response to physical and emotional abuse was to dissociate, while my sister's was to fight.  Why are her memories more intact?  How do I heal without access to my memories? 

[Tangled mangled]

Hi Zabava,

Just wanted to say I can relate to the struggles with memory and time loss you referred to. I have wondering recently if the abuse I experienced was far worse than what I can remember.
Eg I’m in my late 30s and I can still remember vaguely an experience of having my maternal grandmother live with us towards the end of her life. I remember hating her presence in our home because it meant my needs were not being met. I was probably between the ages of 3.5 to 4.5yr old. I was a finger sucker, and can remember grandma giving me so much grief for it- probably disturbing her sleep because I was sleeping on a floor bed in thesame room while she had the main bed. I can remember it wasn’t a loving interaction between her and myself.

I probably had access to this memory because of the stress her presence was to me. I also vaguely remember being scared of being left alone with certain adults in my family- although I’m not sure who these adults were. Something tells me it was my mum but again I’m not sure.
I think access to these memories is determined by how they were registered at the time. Not trying to minimise your experience in any way but maybe your sister registered these awful memories as direct threats to her wellbeing while you were less aware at the time. Also depends on your age at the time. Is your sister older? And did either of you have childhood illness / disability/ or any impairment? I had a congenital deformity that made me stand out in all the wrong ways- I wasn’t accepted even in my own family.

In healing my cptsd , I have realised that access to those awful memories are less important than how those childhood traumatic experiences play out currently. Eg I have issues with sleep and staying focused/ grounded. I’ve tried to access these memories to where it all began to no avail. What I am able to control currently is not letting my FOO in my life and not letting emotional flashbacks ruin my day.

Hoping other sage members will respond with better answers.

[SaltyDawg]

Hi everyone,

Has anyone else lost time or memories from their childhood?  My sister remembers so much more than me and I find it disorientating.  My response to physical and emotional abuse was to dissociate, while my sister's was to fight.  Why are her memories more intact?  How do I heal without access to my memories? 

It looks like that you partially answered your own questions from your questions and statements.

I will share my perspective on what you have written:

Sister - You wrote that her response was to fight.  When someone fights, those memories are much more impressionable thus much more memorable, even though these are negative memories.

You - You wrote that you dissociate or mentally blocks the abuse.  This is a protection mechanism that your mind has - part of the fight or flight response.  Since you couldn't physically flee the abuse, you mentally left the scene with dissociation so your mind could cope with what it couldn't understand.

How to heal from this?  I would recommend seeing a therapist that deals specifically with C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder).  No one specific therapy works for everyone, nor is it considered curable, but it can be managed.  I personally use self-care, which are coping strategies, it is what works for me as mine is comparatively mild to others here.

Here is a very brief summary from Google's AI

Generative AI is experimental. Info quality may vary.
This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a condition caused by trauma that can make normal functioning difficult or impossible. Treatments for PTSD include:

Medications
Paroxetine, sertraline, and venlafaxine are medications that can help treat PTSD symptoms.

Psychotherapy
Cognitive therapy is a type of talk therapy that helps you recognize cognitive patterns that are keeping you stuck.

Coping strategies
Peer support groups, mindfulness and relaxation strategies, and the assistance of an emotional support animal can help people cope with PTSD triggers.

Exposure therapy
A combination of personal coping strategies and exposure therapy supported by a psychiatrist can be beneficial.

Other treatments for PTSD include:
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
Cognitive Processing Therapy

PTSD is not strictly curable. Treatments can make a big difference, but they are not a cure.

Symptoms of PTSD include:
Agitation
Nervousness and anxiety
Problems with concentration or thinking
Problems with memory
Headaches
Depression and crying spells
Suicidal thoughts or attempts
Mood swings

I always remind people who have been traumatised by a pwBPD or other issues to do self-care, whatever that might look for you.  For me it is exercise, long showers, getting lost in a good movie / tv series (where I can detach from reality for a short while by letting my mind wander to more pleasant / exciting experiences).

Take care with self-care.

[kells76]

Hi Zabava;

Is it an older sister who remembers more than you?

My older sister (2 years older) remembers intense and frightening things my parents did, that impacted both of us together, that I do not remember at all. We would have been about 7 and about 5 at the time. I think she was more of a fighter -- like your sister -- and I was more of the "be quiet so it all goes away" one.

While I do not have many memories from early childhood, I do have a lot of information about our family dynamics now. I can look at things that happened to my sisters and I when we were older, and ways my parents responded, and use those tangible pieces to create a solid space around the "negative space" of the "missing memories". I wonder if piecing together what you do know, can create an outline of what you don't know?

You can investigate EMDR therapy and decide if it could be a good fit for your situation. It does not require remembering anything at all or talking about anything at all. (Very brief nutshell version:) It uses you imagining or thinking of a feeling, and works with that feeling. You do not have to know what the feeling is about, to work with it and heal.

I have done one session and for the feeling I brought to the session, I did experience it getting less intense/overwhelming by the end of the session. I was pretty wiped the next day, though, FYI.

Hope that's helpful;

kells76

[Notwendy]

Yes, I have parts of my childhood that I can't recall at all. Yet, my sibling can recall them in detail. It's odd that we experienced the same thing but such different memories.

I have some memories but also forgetting.

[zachira]

I seem to remember more of our childhood than any of my siblings. I have always know that something was not right with my family whereas my siblings still deny all the abuse and neglect.

[Zabava]

Thanks everyone for the replies, they were really helpful.  Finally enough my sister has more positive memories than I do and has a strong attachment to extended family, which I cannot relate to.  I think maybe I was zoned out for most of my childhood from age 9 or 10 onward.  I feel that I am fundamentally fragmented as a person sometimes and it can be hard to stay grounded.