She ended it for the 6th time

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey all

To make it not too long. I have been in a relationship for over 1 year with an amazing woman, but she has just ended it for the 6th time. I did notice a trait, for the first 4 times she ended it the next morning after I fell asleep without texting her goodnight

Every time it would be, I fell asleep and didn’t put goodnight, the next morning she would be very quiet and then she would say she doesn’t feel the same now, confused if she loves me, or something similar. We would get back together, she would then ask me not to text her goodnight no more, at first I didn’t think anything of it, but after a couple days not putting it she would ask why don’t I send a goodnight message anymore

I worked out after the third break up that if I didn’t send a goodnight message, she would think I was losing interest and end the relationship, see I wasn’t losing interest and ask me not to send goodnight text no more so it takes away her worries if ever I don’t send the goodnight text, only she missed it so asked why don’t I send them anymore

The first break up was 1 day, second 2 days, third 5 days, fourth a week and the fifth was 3 weeks and 4 days

Usually I’ll tell her how much I love her and continue messaging me, it worked times 1 to 4, on the 5th it didn’t. She kept telling me to leave her alone, so I did for a few times at a time and she agreed to meet up and we got back together. She said me not messaging her made her miss me

This break up that happened 2 weeks ago today is more than not putting goodnight. I too get insecure and usually I wait for hints from her before I ask to go around to her house and stay over. We have been together a year and only the past few weeks have I been staying at hers, as she had kids and understandably she wanted to make sure before introducing me into their lives

Since staying over at her house I always make sure I respect her kid’s boundaries, so I wait for hints off her, like I’ll say what you doing tonight and if she says nothing planned, then I’ll say do you want me to stay over tonight, but on the nights before we broke up she said she was busy packing her kids luggage as they were going on vacation, so I didn’t ask to go, then the next day she said she was spending time with them before they went away so I didn’t ask to go. She did say to me do you want to stay tonight and I said yes if you want me to, meaning if she wants to be alone with her kids then I didn’t mind that. She said oh so you don’t want to but will if I want you to. I told her no I wanted to and it was sorted I would go to hers that night

I then get a call saying her sister was staying that night and not to go. I knew she was splitting and I was awake all night worrying and panicking that she would end it the next day. The next morning I get a text same as all the other times, she’s confused and she’s depressed and hates herself and she’s not ending it but wants to put the relationship on a break and she told me she loves me, and asked why I had been going to hers less that week, so I explained about her kids going away and thought she wanted to spend time with them

I was relieved she hadn’t ended it so agreed to what she said out of fear she would end it if I didn’t. She said we can still message and stay in contact, usually she’ll tell me to leave her alone. So this time I didn’t beg, I text her as normal and she stopped replying, the next day I text and she didn’t reply. So the day after I sent her flowers with a message on I miss and love her. She messaged and thanked me for the flowers but not to send anymore and it’s best we split up and move on because Iv not gave her any space she said. I told her I love her and will give her space

I went to some charity event that night which she seen on Facebook, she text me saying Iv never gone out before I usually stay in depressed and she said I must not be bothered. I text back that I was very bothered and was down and sad and my friend invited me from the gym and as it’s for charity I went with him, but she had blocked me so my text didn’t go through. I left it 3 days and emailed her explaining everything, she then emailed back 3 days later and I asked would she unblock me. She said it’s for the best. Now I know when she says it’s for the best she wants me to tell her it’s not. I said it’s not for the best but if she wants to keep me blocked I’ll respect that and I asked would she meet me to talk. She rang me shouting down the phone similar to the past and then hung up

I know I have to be really consistent and normally am but at the same time I was just respecting her kids as I didn’t want them to think I’m taking up all their mums time. Now I’m blocked on text, call and WhatsApp so can’t get through to her like I usually do. I only have email but if I give her space then she thinks I don’t care but if I don’t give her space then I’m not respecting her wishes. She’s told me in the past not giving up and persisting to message her gets her to come back, last time she told me not messaging her gets her back

Any advice please as I love this woman more than anything and missing her very much

Thank you

[TheTown]

Hey all

To make it not too long. I have been in a relationship for over 1 year with an amazing woman, but she has just ended it for the 6th time. I did notice a trait, for the first 4 times she ended it the next morning after I fell asleep without texting her goodnight

Every time it would be, I fell asleep and didn’t put goodnight, the next morning she would be very quiet and then she would say she doesn’t feel the same now, confused if she loves me, or something similar. We would get back together, she would then ask me not to text her goodnight no more, at first I didn’t think anything of it, but after a couple days not putting it she would ask why don’t I send a goodnight message anymore

I worked out after the third break up that if I didn’t send a goodnight message, she would think I was losing interest and end the relationship, see I wasn’t losing interest and ask me not to send goodnight text no more so it takes away her worries if ever I don’t send the goodnight text, only she missed it so asked why don’t I send them anymore

The first break up was 1 day, second 2 days, third 5 days, fourth a week and the fifth was 3 weeks and 4 days

Usually I’ll tell her how much I love her and continue messaging me, it worked times 1 to 4, on the 5th it didn’t. She kept telling me to leave her alone, so I did for a few times at a time and she agreed to meet up and we got back together. She said me not messaging her made her miss me

This break up that happened 2 weeks ago today is more than not putting goodnight. I too get insecure and usually I wait for hints from her before I ask to go around to her house and stay over. We have been together a year and only the past few weeks have I been staying at hers, as she had kids and understandably she wanted to make sure before introducing me into their lives

Since staying over at her house I always make sure I respect her kid’s boundaries, so I wait for hints off her, like I’ll say what you doing tonight and if she says nothing planned, then I’ll say do you want me to stay over tonight, but on the nights before we broke up she said she was busy packing her kids luggage as they were going on vacation, so I didn’t ask to go, then the next day she said she was spending time with them before they went away so I didn’t ask to go. She did say to me do you want to stay tonight and I said yes if you want me to, meaning if she wants to be alone with her kids then I didn’t mind that. She said oh so you don’t want to but will if I want you to. I told her no I wanted to and it was sorted I would go to hers that night

I then get a call saying her sister was staying that night and not to go. I knew she was splitting and I was awake all night worrying and panicking that she would end it the next day. The next morning I get a text same as all the other times, she’s confused and she’s depressed and hates herself and she’s not ending it but wants to put the relationship on a break and she told me she loves me, and asked why I had been going to hers less that week, so I explained about her kids going away and thought she wanted to spend time with them

I was relieved she hadn’t ended it so agreed to what she said out of fear she would end it if I didn’t. She said we can still message and stay in contact, usually she’ll tell me to leave her alone. So this time I didn’t beg, I text her as normal and she stopped replying, the next day I text and she didn’t reply. So the day after I sent her flowers with a message on I miss and love her. She messaged and thanked me for the flowers but not to send anymore and it’s best we split up and move on because Iv not gave her any space she said. I told her I love her and will give her space

I went to some charity event that night which she seen on Facebook, she text me saying Iv never gone out before I usually stay in depressed and she said I must not be bothered. I text back that I was very bothered and was down and sad and my friend invited me from the gym and as it’s for charity I went with him, but she had blocked me so my text didn’t go through. I left it 3 days and emailed her explaining everything, she then emailed back 3 days later and I asked would she unblock me. She said it’s for the best. Now I know when she says it’s for the best she wants me to tell her it’s not. I said it’s not for the best but if she wants to keep me blocked I’ll respect that and I asked would she meet me to talk. She rang me shouting down the phone similar to the past and then hung up

I know I have to be really consistent and normally am but at the same time I was just respecting her kids as I didn’t want them to think I’m taking up all their mums time. Now I’m blocked on text, call and WhatsApp so can’t get through to her like I usually do. I only have email but if I give her space then she thinks I don’t care but if I don’t give her space then I’m not respecting her wishes. She’s told me in the past not giving up and persisting to message her gets her to come back, last time she told me not messaging her gets her back

Any advice please as I love this woman more than anything and missing her very much

Thank you

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[Pook075]

I know I have to be really consistent and normally am but at the same time I was just respecting her kids as I didn’t want them to think I’m taking up all their mums time. Now I’m blocked on text, call and WhatsApp so can’t get through to her like I usually do. I only have email but if I give her space then she thinks I don’t care but if I don’t give her space then I’m not respecting her wishes. She’s told me in the past not giving up and persisting to message her gets her to come back, last time she told me not messaging her gets her back

Any advice please as I love this woman more than anything and missing her very much

Thank you

Hey Town, and welcome to the forums!  I'm very sorry you're going through this and so much of what you shared resonated in my relationship.  I too know the "I hate you, don't leave me" pains and it takes quite a bit of time to read between the lines.

First, let's start with what you did wrong, not to pass blame or anything, but to use it as a learning exercise.  You used empathy and "assumed" that she'd want time to pack her kids stuff and have some alone time, which is a completely reasonable assumption.  Most would appreciate that but in the moment, someone with BPD might feel sad and alone since their kids are leaving them.  So they're naturally on edge and extra emotional, hoping to get validation that they're still loved and wanted.

In this case (and really, in all six cases), your empathy backfired because it was seen as potential abandonment.  Now, if you had just showed up then you probably would have been seen as imposing since you're interfering with kid time, so it can feel like a no-win situation at times.  But what she really wanted beneath it all is some space combined with affection and affirmation that you weren't going anywhere.

It's almost impossible to give exactly what they may need in the moment, especially when they're unstable, so don't blame yourself too much here.  You failed because the rules were set against you before things even started.

Moving forward, give her the space she desires but also make it known when opportunities arise that you do still love her and you're sorry for what happened.  Try to avoid explaining your intentions (at first) since it will only lead to confusion and her barriers going up.  In time, you'll know when it's right to talk about your feelings and the misunderstanding that ensued.

For now, it's a great time to focus on yourself and your communication style since the BPD stuff does not come naturally.  There are several great links along the top of the page and I'm sure other members will give you some recommendations on books worth checking out.  My favorite is "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition."

I wish you luck and please continue to talk this out.  Things will get better in time, regardless of the outcome.

[TheTown]

Many thanks for the welcome and reply. It’s much appreciated

It’s the questioning myself on all the things I could have done different that’s driving me crazy. I can’t sleep, low mood, constantly checking if they have messaged

When she ended it the third time she said it was being persistent and messaging that got her back, the fourth time she asked me to leave her alone, I didn’t and she was angry and blamed me not caring for not giving her space. The fifth time I gave her space and she claimed me not caring by not being persistent and keep on messaging her

This time Iv messaged and then gave her space, but neither worked. I sent her the second email today in 11 days, I just said hey, asked how she was and hope she feels better, she unblocked me on WhatsApp sent me voice notes saying Iv messaged her like we are friends, even though we have not fallen out, and she said I have made things much harder by not giving her space, but acknowledged that she originally said we could carry on messaging, but said I had messaged her to much, even though I had only replied to messages she had sent, she then said I mustn’t care because Iv not messaged her for days, but this was her request on Friday when she rang me and not to contact her again. I told her I hope she gets better I love her more than anything and to contact me when she feels better

It’s always like she wants me to do the opposite of what she tells me, but if I do then she goes mad I didn’t request her wishes, but if I don’t then she thinks I don’t care

In the past it’s always me to make up with her. I know she won’t make the first move for the fear of me rejecting her

How do I handle this best. Do I give her space, well I’m going to after her voice messages, I have to, but do I just leave it to contact me or try again in a few weeks

[Pook075]

Many thanks for the welcome and reply. It’s much appreciated

It’s the questioning myself on all the things I could have done different that’s driving me crazy. I can’t sleep, low mood, constantly checking if they have messaged

We've all been there at one point and the only advice I can give to you is this- just stop. Stop blaming yourself. Stop second guessing because this wasn't directly on you. The problem here is that she's unstable and feeling every emotion under the rainbow, sometimes all at once.  That's where the push/pull comes into play and makes it all so difficult to decipher.

If you can accept only one thing today, then accept this truth- this is not your fault.

How do I handle this best. Do I give her space, well I’m going to after her voice messages, I have to, but do I just leave it to contact me or try again in a few weeks

You sort of answered your own question there and I know it's maddening- how could she get angry at you for responding to her?  That's BPD, my friend, and I read a lot between the lines from the rest of your message.  She told you to give her space while she waited for you to fight to get her back...which is a lot like she did in the previous five relationship breakdowns.  It's a pattern that's repeating over and over again.

I can't tell you what you should do and honestly, even if I did you're going to reach out on impulse anyway.  I know that because we all have when we're confused and just wanting to make things right.  The best advice I can give you right now is be true to yourself, use this time during the relationship break to focus on your own mental health, and only reach out when there's something meaningful to say.

I also agree that she will struggle to ever come back on her own due to the overwhelming fear of rejection.  But at the same time, that doesn't mean that she won't reach out and "invite you" to fix things once she's ready.  That somewhat happened today when she unblocked you and sent the voice messages. 

But what do you believe- her words or her actions?  It's a very tough decision and I personally would focus more on her emotional state in those messages than the actual words.  If she was angry/harsh, then back off and let her cool off.  If she was upset/down, then offer some encouragement while saying that you'll give her as much space as she needs.  That's the best I have at the moment.

[TheTown]

Thank you again for the reply

I don’t believe her words, more her actions. All the things she has said during this break up, she has said during all the other previous break ups

She’s blocked me again on WhatsApp as soon as she had send me the voice notes which she sounded very angry on. I did email her explaining I wasn’t contacting her for my own selfish reasons like she accused me of, I said I was checking that she was doing well because I care about her and that I’ll not message her again and to get in touch with me when she’s sorted herself out because I love her more than anything

We went to a concert last month and I got her tickets to to a concert in 10 days. Would you just forget about this concert, or reach out and ask if she still wants to go to it? I personally think it’s best not to ask her, to let her reach out to me and for me to make up, but I know she’ll think why didn’t I invite her to go

[Pook075]

I did email her explaining I wasn’t contacting her for my own selfish reasons like she accused me of, I said...

No matter what you said, after you stated that she was mistaken, was not going to be heard in a constructive way. You could have finished that sentence with, "The president's secret service told me to reach out over a matter of national security..." and she still would have only heard, "You're wrong, just like you're always wrong, and this is why we can never communicate."

Again, focus on her feelings by opening with something like, "I can understand why you'd feel that way and I apologize if it sounded like that."  This type of statement tells the BPD brain, "Okay, they actually hear me and I can calm down a little bit."

Right now she's in a panic of sorts, and every ounce of you wants to say, "STOP PANKCKING!" But if you actually say that, then she panics even more because you can't understand why she's feeling the way she feels.  So you focus on the emotions and soothe them, while looking for the deeper meaning behind her words or actions (usually fear of abandonment, low self esteem, etc).

We went to a concert last month and I got her tickets to to a concert in 10 days. Would you just forget about this concert, or reach out and ask if she still wants to go to it? I personally think it’s best not to ask her, to let her reach out to me and for me to make up, but I know she’ll think why didn’t I invite her to go

When my wife and I separated about 14 months ago, we had pre-booked a cruise for November and I kept thinking, we'd work it out and have a great trip together.  But what actually happened was that I was stressed over the cruise for months and wished that I had just given the reservation away.  I did end up going with an old high school friend and we had a great time, but the months leading up to that felt like torture.

In this situation, almost anything you do could end up having negative consequences in her mind.  So I'd give the tickets away...or send her the tickets...or offer them for sale on social media.  Or you could just sit on the tickets, but that may unintentionally weigh on you and set you up for disappointment like it did for me.