Happy Birthday

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just venting. Comment if you’d like.

So my birthday is in a couple days. I’ll be 43, so birthdays aren’t quite what they used to be. But, it’s still nice to feel special 1/365 of the time.

I accidentally found out that my brother is coming from Chicago to surprise me. Someone told someone who accidentally told me. This was a few days ago. I decided I wouldn’t let on that I knew the surprise and just go with it. No point in ruining other peoples’ efforts to make me happy.

I assume that my brother and his g/f are staying at my house. I’m the only family member still local to this area and we have the extra room.

I also assume, knowing my brother, that he coordinated this with my BPD wife well in advance. She has had a long-standing rule about people just popping in, visiting, staying over at our house. It’s gotten to the point where it seems like she just wants to isolate me/us from my family or any outsiders. She has virtually no real relationship with her immediate family outside of her mother.  An outsider needs an engraved invitation, must be up to date on their immunizations, and shall answer an impossible riddle before they can come down our driveway, apparently.

I came home yesterday to find my wife in basically a breakdown about getting our house cleaned. (Since I knew the surprise was coming I had been doing my part to get this straightened up as well, without letting on). She’s in a horrible mood, silent, one-word answers, then starts crying. She says she’s overwhelmed and “can’t tell you why”.

I get that she’d like to have a clean house for our guests. So would I. I’d like to have a clean house all the time, but that’s tough with two kids and us working full time. I can’t help but think that the primary reason for the house being messy is her…hoarding? Shopping addiction? Our house isn’t “dirty”, and it’s not uninhabitable, but it’s close. There’s just so much goddam stuff. She brings in stuff constantly and never gets rid of anything. Instead she devotes hours of time and hundreds of dollars trying to come up with “creative” ways to “store” 200 pairs of shoes. I’m not kidding when I tell you she has 15 black coats that all look basically the same. I have one.

So it’s not that our house is filthy, per se, but you can’t devote real time to “cleaning” it because all your efforts are spent just picking up sh!t and trying to find a place to put it. We have a pretty good-sized 4BR house and we’ve run out of reasonable places to effectively store things.

So I’m watching her freak out and I’m resisting the urge to say what I typed above. Instead I tell her that I know my brother is coming and she can stop driving herself crazy. I asked that she not tell me exactly when he’s arriving; instead I asked that she tell me what she’d like to see happen cleaning-wise and I would help.

She commented that she’s mad at herself “as usual”. She wanted to say no to my brother visiting but he “tricked” her. “Well, he didn’t trick me, but he was very sneaky. He got really *CREATIVE* in getting me to let him stay here.”  Whatever the adjective I find that very difficult to believe. My brother is nothing short of amenable, flexible and considerate. He’s stayed with us plenty of times and when he does he’s NEVER HERE. He’s at Starbucks doing remote work or visiting family/friends. He cleans up after himself and makes dinner at least one night. We lean on him to pick up a couple babysitting duties here and there. Excellent houseguest.

In fact, once my wife commented on how she didn’t want him staying with us when he comes to town because when he does come he’s never even home, he’s out doing other things. ???

I stifled my urge to comment on the whole situation and instead kept my mouth shut.

So here I am faced with an impossible dilemma. The surprise of his visit is already ruined, now I have to try and keep her from losing her mind as well. Do I HAVE TO? Well no, of course not. But if I don’t I risk having her mood ruin his visit, during which we’ll meet his girlfriend for the first time. Oh, and ruin my birthday as well.

I find it amazing that someone with no self esteem can simultaneously be really self-centered.

Discuss.

[M604V]

Just venting. Comment if you’d like.

So my birthday is in a couple days. I’ll be 43, so birthdays aren’t quite what they used to be. But, it’s still nice to feel special 1/365 of the time.

I accidentally found out that my brother is coming from Chicago to surprise me. Someone told someone who accidentally told me. This was a few days ago. I decided I wouldn’t let on that I knew the surprise and just go with it. No point in ruining other peoples’ efforts to make me happy.

I assume that my brother and his g/f are staying at my house. I’m the only family member still local to this area and we have the extra room.

I also assume, knowing my brother, that he coordinated this with my BPD wife well in advance. She has had a long-standing rule about people just popping in, visiting, staying over at our house. It’s gotten to the point where it seems like she just wants to isolate me/us from my family or any outsiders. She has virtually no real relationship with her immediate family outside of her mother.  An outsider needs an engraved invitation, must be up to date on their immunizations, and shall answer an impossible riddle before they can come down our driveway, apparently.

I came home yesterday to find my wife in basically a breakdown about getting our house cleaned. (Since I knew the surprise was coming I had been doing my part to get this straightened up as well, without letting on). She’s in a horrible mood, silent, one-word answers, then starts crying. She says she’s overwhelmed and “can’t tell you why”.

I get that she’d like to have a clean house for our guests. So would I. I’d like to have a clean house all the time, but that’s tough with two kids and us working full time. I can’t help but think that the primary reason for the house being messy is her…hoarding? Shopping addiction? Our house isn’t “dirty”, and it’s not uninhabitable, but it’s close. There’s just so much goddam stuff. She brings in stuff constantly and never gets rid of anything. Instead she devotes hours of time and hundreds of dollars trying to come up with “creative” ways to “store” 200 pairs of shoes. I’m not kidding when I tell you she has 15 black coats that all look basically the same. I have one.

So it’s not that our house is filthy, per se, but you can’t devote real time to “cleaning” it because all your efforts are spent just picking up sh!t and trying to find a place to put it. We have a pretty good-sized 4BR house and we’ve run out of reasonable places to effectively store things.

So I’m watching her freak out and I’m resisting the urge to say what I typed above. Instead I tell her that I know my brother is coming and she can stop driving herself crazy. I asked that she not tell me exactly when he’s arriving; instead I asked that she tell me what she’d like to see happen cleaning-wise and I would help.

She commented that she’s mad at herself “as usual”. She wanted to say no to my brother visiting but he “tricked” her. “Well, he didn’t trick me, but he was very sneaky. He got really *CREATIVE* in getting me to let him stay here.”  Whatever the adjective I find that very difficult to believe. My brother is nothing short of amenable, flexible and considerate. He’s stayed with us plenty of times and when he does he’s NEVER HERE. He’s at Starbucks doing remote work or visiting family/friends. He cleans up after himself and makes dinner at least one night. We lean on him to pick up a couple babysitting duties here and there. Excellent houseguest.

In fact, once my wife commented on how she didn’t want him staying with us when he comes to town because when he does come he’s never even home, he’s out doing other things. ???

I stifled my urge to comment on the whole situation and instead kept my mouth shut.

So here I am faced with an impossible dilemma. The surprise of his visit is already ruined, now I have to try and keep her from losing her mind as well. Do I HAVE TO? Well no, of course not. But if I don’t I risk having her mood ruin his visit, during which we’ll meet his girlfriend for the first time. Oh, and ruin my birthday as well.

I find it amazing that someone with no self esteem can simultaneously be really self-centered.

Discuss.

[M604V]

(Continued) Its disappointing, but not at all surprising, that she took this opportunity and made it about herself. And not just about her, but how she’s been victimized by everyone and everything *except* her own addictions and failure to manage her time, possessions and personal space properly.

It’s sad, but I’m not surprised.

[CravingPeace]

I hear you! I can't offer any advice really just here to sympathize. My wife as well loves buying things. She is quite shrewd with what she spends but buys a lot of stuff. There is a constant stream of stuff that needs returning, and every room has things and stuff. That then all needs organizing in boxes, and reorganizing, and reorganizing. I am not the tidiest, but I do clean around the place a bit, dishwasher, dishes, worksurfaces, vacuum etc from time to time. But having less stuff would make is so much easier. The constant putting things away is exhausting. There is just so much stuff.

The other day trying to clear out our double garage, she said its all my stuff and the kids so was annoyed she had to clear it out. (It isn't). I called her on it and said ok in that case if its my stuff and the kids, I wont touch theirs I will just throw away anything else to make space as its all mine anyway this will make it alot easier. She got very annoyed about this. Her reason being even my things she should have a say at what happened to them! You just can't win.

So anyway I hear you its tough, and this should be a special time for you, but she is choosing to make it about herself. Which is really sad.