Finding Space to Breathe Again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dear Reader,
This is not a success story. This is a “we have suffered for years and have finally found some things that are helping us survive.”

After 7 years of the BPD roller coaster, I was ready to leave. Truly. I was making budgets and looking for apartments.

Then something shifted. He started researching BPD like his life depended on it. And we’ve both learned a lot. I share this not to give false hope or expectation- every BPD relationship is different- or even that we’re a success story- we’re not. There’s still a mountain of pain to work through.
But to pass along what has given me space to breathe again and is giving my husband the ability to (slowly) walk out of this fog just case it might help you a bit too.

For 7 years, his cycle was exactly every 2 weeks. I could set my watch to 14 days until the next apocalyptic explosion. It is now several months between episodes and it is no longer explosions but more “regular” irritations, maybe some rudeness or accusations.
While we still have a long road ahead of us, this is what is helping him-

1. We learned that his BPD came from severe childhood abuse that he had been keeping secret for 40 years out of shame
2. Controlling his BPD is another full time job that requires a lot of discipline and fixed routine
3. He learned that there is a set number of hours per week that BPD people need to exercise to reduce the stress. He is in the basement burning off steam on the weight bench and elliptical every night
4. He religiously does DBT workbooks every morning and again at night
5. He meets with a DBT trained therapist every week who signs him additional homework and does a mid week check in
6. He journals every night
7. We discovered a big trigger for him is the TV. Even if it’s a light comedy, something about it overstimulates him and sets off a trigger.
8. He meets with a psychiatrist every month
9. He takes several prescriptions for Bipolar, Mood Regulation and Paranoia. We’ve learned they don’t really have meds that are prescribed for BPD specifically
10. The psychiatrist demands he get at least 8 hours of sleep every night.
11. He learned that different foods can trigger BPD through inflammation so he now avoids caffeine, alcohol, red meat, sugar and fatty, processed foods (He really misses his beef jerky)
12. He is learning methods to confront and work through relational triggers instead of avoiding them
13. We’ve discovered he can’t name emotions. So I sometimes show him one of those feelings charts of different faces they use for kids. Might sound nutty but it works for him. He can point to the face that he identifies with. This helps us both understand where he’s at in the moment.

There’s a fair number of smaller things he does but those are the biggest changes.
There are no shortage of challenges. The time all of this takes is significant. Finding a therapist who really understands BPD and can administer DBT has taken a very long time. The meds take a toll in terms of side effects.  My heart is still broken from those 7 years of verbal and emotional abuse. Healing from that is going to take a while.

But I’m breathing again.

The beauty of it all is watching my husband slowly finding freedom. It’s like he’s discovering himself for the first time. And he’s slowly discovering who I am along the way, instead of who the BPD told him I was.

I’ve learned that behind that crusted protective shield of BPD, is just a frightened little boy who did what he had to do to survive.
But now it’s time to lay that shield down and finally live.

[MatchaGirl]

Dear Reader,
This is not a success story. This is a “we have suffered for years and have finally found some things that are helping us survive.”

After 7 years of the BPD roller coaster, I was ready to leave. Truly. I was making budgets and looking for apartments.

Then something shifted. He started researching BPD like his life depended on it. And we’ve both learned a lot. I share this not to give false hope or expectation- every BPD relationship is different- or even that we’re a success story- we’re not. There’s still a mountain of pain to work through.
But to pass along what has given me space to breathe again and is giving my husband the ability to (slowly) walk out of this fog just case it might help you a bit too.

For 7 years, his cycle was exactly every 2 weeks. I could set my watch to 14 days until the next apocalyptic explosion. It is now several months between episodes and it is no longer explosions but more “regular” irritations, maybe some rudeness or accusations.
While we still have a long road ahead of us, this is what is helping him-

1. We learned that his BPD came from severe childhood abuse that he had been keeping secret for 40 years out of shame
2. Controlling his BPD is another full time job that requires a lot of discipline and fixed routine
3. He learned that there is a set number of hours per week that BPD people need to exercise to reduce the stress. He is in the basement burning off steam on the weight bench and elliptical every night
4. He religiously does DBT workbooks every morning and again at night
5. He meets with a DBT trained therapist every week who signs him additional homework and does a mid week check in
6. He journals every night
7. We discovered a big trigger for him is the TV. Even if it’s a light comedy, something about it overstimulates him and sets off a trigger.
8. He meets with a psychiatrist every month
9. He takes several prescriptions for Bipolar, Mood Regulation and Paranoia. We’ve learned they don’t really have meds that are prescribed for BPD specifically
10. The psychiatrist demands he get at least 8 hours of sleep every night.
11. He learned that different foods can trigger BPD through inflammation so he now avoids caffeine, alcohol, red meat, sugar and fatty, processed foods (He really misses his beef jerky)
12. He is learning methods to confront and work through relational triggers instead of avoiding them
13. We’ve discovered he can’t name emotions. So I sometimes show him one of those feelings charts of different faces they use for kids. Might sound nutty but it works for him. He can point to the face that he identifies with. This helps us both understand where he’s at in the moment.

There’s a fair number of smaller things he does but those are the biggest changes.
There are no shortage of challenges. The time all of this takes is significant. Finding a therapist who really understands BPD and can administer DBT has taken a very long time. The meds take a toll in terms of side effects.  My heart is still broken from those 7 years of verbal and emotional abuse. Healing from that is going to take a while.

But I’m breathing again.

The beauty of it all is watching my husband slowly finding freedom. It’s like he’s discovering himself for the first time. And he’s slowly discovering who I am along the way, instead of who the BPD told him I was.

I’ve learned that behind that crusted protective shield of BPD, is just a frightened little boy who did what he had to do to survive.
But now it’s time to lay that shield down and finally live.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi MatchaGirl, thanks for coming back to share your update.

It makes sense that you're saying "this isn't a success story" -- it sounds like a full time job for both of you that is like managing a chronic illness or impairment. Having the structure, routine, and interventions may not cure the condition, but it gets you to a more predictable, scheduled, manageable space where, like you said, you can breathe again. I hear breathing is kind of important 

I think I remember reading that you have a daughter? How has she been doing with this new structure?

The beauty of it all is watching my husband slowly finding freedom. It’s like he’s discovering himself for the first time. And he’s slowly discovering who I am along the way, instead of who the BPD told him I was.

You're right that it's going to be a long road, yet what you wrote here sounds worth it.

[SaltyDawg]

Thanks for sharing.  This is really encouraging for me and I would imagine for others too.   

I am so happy for you.

Even though you don't think it is a success story, your situation is on the way to becoming a success story.

My wife still doesn't think she has BPD, and she is being treated for the symptoms of BPD, she knows she is messed up, and is in active therapy (as am I).

Thanks for sharing what works for you, I will try and introduce some of the ones that we aren't doing to see if they can accelerate the progress I am having with my uBPDw.

I will share with all of the progress, there has been a few lapses (set-backs).  It is a work in progress.  I have let my wife know, as long as there is progress, I will not leave.

A lot of times she doesn't understand what she has done to tick me off, or family members, or even work colleagues.

The message you have given to everyone here, is that there is 'hope' for better days.

I am here to support that, and add my voice to yours to let others know that there is 'hope' and it is not a one-off thing.

It is important to realize in both cases, it is the pwBPD, that knows they are messed up, and they are willing to fix themselves and more importantly making the effort to fix themselves.  We, as their partners cannot fix them.  However, we can be their moral support, and help them help themselves.  It is not easy.  There will be setbacks.  But, there can be progress with hard work by both the pwBPD and the one(s) who love them.

[MatchaGirl]

Hi MatchaGirl, thanks for coming back to share your update.

I think I remember reading that you have a daughter? How has she been doing with this new structure?

Wow! Good memory! Thanks for asking!
 One of the books I read said to be honest with kids. They usually know what’s going on anyway. And that kids often find their own way of defining the parent’s BPD.

On her own, one day she started calling the episodes “Daddy’s dragon. Daddy has a dragon inside him and sometimes it roars.” NGL, I thought that was a brilliant analogy.

So I’ve used what makes sense to her and we try to explain it the best we can without scaring her. “A long time ago someone really hurt daddy’s heart. So the dragon came to try to protect daddy. Daddy doesn’t need to be protected anymore but the dragon doesn’t want to leave.  So daddy has some doctors helping him get rid of the dragon.”

If he ever gets angry with her, once he’s calm, I facilitate a conversation between then where she can tell him how “The dragon” made her feel and he apologizes.

Every night, we spend time reviewing her day and asking about her feelings and then we in turn ask “Did Mommy/Daddy do anything to hurt your feelings today?” Then we process that.

I have a therapist friend I check in with regarding her mental well being to make sure I don’t miss any red flags that she needs extra help.

[MatchaGirl]

It is important to realize in both cases, it is the pwBPD, that knows they are messed up, and they are willing to fix themselves and more importantly making the effort to fix themselves.  We, as their partners cannot fix them.  However, we can be their moral support, and help them help themselves.  It is not easy.  There will be setbacks.  But, there can be progress with hard work by both the pwBPD and the one(s) who love them.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement! I think that was the hardest thing to really accept- that there’s nothing I can do to save this marriage or to heal him. I admit, despite therapists telling me that very thing for years, I don’t think I really got it or at least stopped trying to fix everything until I was preparing to leave. I had decided to abandon ship and was too focused on getting the live boat ready to deal with any of it. I think that might have been the turning point. I stopped doing the work, should’ve been doing.
Now I keep a healthy distance. *Especially* since the doctors discovered the main root was severe childhood abuse. I told him that while I support his healing journey and have deep compassion for his trauma, I don’t want him to tell me about it. 1. I’m not his therapist and don’t want him to put me in that position. 2. I noticed very quickly, that when he disclosed something to me, the next day he would lash out at me.

I hope the very best for your wife and of course you as well! I don’t know if she’s aware that BPD could be the culprit or not. But if she does become aware, something my husband found helpful was listening to podcasts of BPD Survivors/Overcomers. It gave him hope and made him feel less alone.  There’s one in particular but a woman who became a psychiatrist and her husband joins too to speak from the partner’s perspective.

[SaltyDawg]

I hope the very best for your wife and of course you as well! I don’t know if she’s aware that BPD could be the culprit or not. But if she does become aware, something my husband found helpful was listening to podcasts of BPD Survivors/Overcomers. It gave him hope and made him feel less alone.  There’s one in particular but a woman who became a psychiatrist and her husband joins too to speak from the partner’s perspective.

Thank you for the well wishes.

I have shared my opinion about BPD, so she knows, but really doesn't want to know.  She knows she cannot change my mind about it, even though she wants me to.

With regards to my opinions on BPD, I am taking the approach of "don't ask, don't tell" - due to object permanence, if I don't mention it, it is not thought about.

She is motivated to keep the kids, a friend's spouse, who is a family court judge in a different part of the country, I suspect read her the riot act on how she could lose the kids if she was recorded in a rage as that is when her change started in earnest.

My wife is valedictorian smart, literally, and she has the ability to rationalize her symptoms away (an ultra-rare ability for very few borderlines, but it is documented) without any of the traditional therapy methods, such as DBT, CBT, schema, etc.  It's good, as it requires fewer sessions (per week/month), less interruptions, but it is also bad, as the progress feels slow, we are one year in where I am highlighting the symptoms to be addressed, next week we are going to talk about the lapse and the surrounding drama that occurred earlier in the week.

Thank you for listing those resources, if my wife does decide to go in this direction, I may ask more questions.  I will send a PM, unless you are getting mails from this thread.

I agree that you 'abandoning ship' is probably his bottom, like losing the kids was my wife's as both activated our respective spouse's 'fear of abandonment' and compelled them to 'do the right thing'.

btw, I am becoming a 'crisis counselor' for an international hotline and I am looking into a career change to become a LCSW that specializes in this area (two fewer years of education of a psychiatrist) - it's amazing how much the lack of professional help makes you do in something that is so well documented. 

I am visiting the university next week for a tour, and to see what is required.   I enjoy helping others here, and elsewhere.  I might as well put my extensive BPD research to good use, as I have come up with an effective strategy for couple's therapy, by pushing back on the therapist, and highlighting behaviors that are symptoms of my wife - which usually does not work for more complacent participants that don't push-back (that was me the first 3 years of couple's therapy, I changed and became aggressive with the therapist and pushed back, and progress has been made).

Again, thanks for sharing your story, it is an inspiration, and provides hope.

Take care, with self-care.