Sis creating trouble

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone!
This is my first post here. I have a BPD sister who is 4 years older than me. My sis, parents, and I all live in different countries (parents and I in Europe, sis is in Asia). My relationship with sis has been an ongoing battle, but for the past 7 years or so I have gone very low contact with her (the distance helps), and I have managed to maintain some sort of balance. I never offer any personal information, I keep all conversations casual and superficial, and I mostly listen to her talk about her various problems and grievances, making sympathetic noises, the few times we are in touch. It's tiring but not frequent so I can bear it. My parents have always complained about me 'not talking to my sister' and 'not being there for her' etc, ignoring of course all the abuse and insults I had to endure when we were in touch, as I was her main target.

Very recently the balance was upset because my mum had to undergo a surgery. This meant that my sister' s main enabler wouldn't be available for her (they talk for hours every single day), and that she wouldn't have an outlet. As I went there to help, she also thought this was an opportunity to get more access to me too. She also resents the fact I went there because in her mind this makes her look like the bad daughter while I am the good one. Lots of bitterness and hostility there. I had to tread carefully while in my parental home to avoid her. Unfortunately I caught COVID and had to return home to avoid infecting my mum after surgery and my dad, who has serious health problems and is shielding. Ever since that happened, my sis has been trying to talk to me and is sending messages and calling me every single day. She even made my mum call me so that I talk to her through my mum! I don't want to talk to her, I have enough on my plate as it is and I am in no mood for listening to her malicious comments, finger pointing and all the pent up evil energy she has gathered. She messages pretending to want to know how I am doing and when I reply that I am fine she immediately says 'can I call you?'. For three days now I have been saying no, I want to rest, and the next day she comes back with the same line. This morning I completely ignored her message for the whole day and just sent a thumbs up, when I knew she would be asleep. I suspect this will not discourage her from contacting me again tomorrow. It's really upsetting because I hadn't had to deal with such persistence for a while as we were very low contact, and all of a sudden she is again all over me! What should I do? If she gets in touch again, should I say to her that I don't want to talk and that she puts pressure on me with all the messages? I want to avoid the drama but also keep her away.

[Furry ball]

Hello everyone!
This is my first post here. I have a BPD sister who is 4 years older than me. My sis, parents, and I all live in different countries (parents and I in Europe, sis is in Asia). My relationship with sis has been an ongoing battle, but for the past 7 years or so I have gone very low contact with her (the distance helps), and I have managed to maintain some sort of balance. I never offer any personal information, I keep all conversations casual and superficial, and I mostly listen to her talk about her various problems and grievances, making sympathetic noises, the few times we are in touch. It's tiring but not frequent so I can bear it. My parents have always complained about me 'not talking to my sister' and 'not being there for her' etc, ignoring of course all the abuse and insults I had to endure when we were in touch, as I was her main target.

Very recently the balance was upset because my mum had to undergo a surgery. This meant that my sister' s main enabler wouldn't be available for her (they talk for hours every single day), and that she wouldn't have an outlet. As I went there to help, she also thought this was an opportunity to get more access to me too. She also resents the fact I went there because in her mind this makes her look like the bad daughter while I am the good one. Lots of bitterness and hostility there. I had to tread carefully while in my parental home to avoid her. Unfortunately I caught COVID and had to return home to avoid infecting my mum after surgery and my dad, who has serious health problems and is shielding. Ever since that happened, my sis has been trying to talk to me and is sending messages and calling me every single day. She even made my mum call me so that I talk to her through my mum! I don't want to talk to her, I have enough on my plate as it is and I am in no mood for listening to her malicious comments, finger pointing and all the pent up evil energy she has gathered. She messages pretending to want to know how I am doing and when I reply that I am fine she immediately says 'can I call you?'. For three days now I have been saying no, I want to rest, and the next day she comes back with the same line. This morning I completely ignored her message for the whole day and just sent a thumbs up, when I knew she would be asleep. I suspect this will not discourage her from contacting me again tomorrow. It's really upsetting because I hadn't had to deal with such persistence for a while as we were very low contact, and all of a sudden she is again all over me! What should I do? If she gets in touch again, should I say to her that I don't want to talk and that she puts pressure on me with all the messages? I want to avoid the drama but also keep her away.

[Bpdfamfan1]

That sounds stressful. Especially after being sick. I personally would just ignore and answer periodically saying I don’t have time to communicate like that. Reserve energy.

[guitarguy09]

I can totally relate to what you are saying about her you need to talk to someone for hours on the phone every day. My wife is the same way. If she isn't talking on the phone she needs constant noise from a TV show or music and it's sometimes drives my kids insane. Lol.

[Mommydoc]

Welcome to the forum Furry ball. I can relate to the situation you are in.  My uBPD sister and I had been NC/VLC and but now due to family circumstances, we need to be in more frequent contact.   At first it was quite over whelming to me, but I am doing my best to limit our contact to text/email.   I need to see her in person soon and will work with her for the next 6 months or so, but once we get through the current situation, my intent is to gradually move back to email only contact.

It was very difficult to get to NC but it was the right thing for me. It sounds like it worked for you.   Text and email because they can be asynchronous can help you pace the conversation.  I like that you are using the thumbs up when she is asleep to pace.   As the situation allows perhaps you can respond to every other text, then every third, then mostly with emojis… the key is to avoid her feeling abandoned, while achieving the space you need and the pace that works for you. I agree with avoiding 1:1 phone conversations if possible, they are never short and can go sideways much more quickly.   

Even with texts and emails, I have a personal rule that if they are toxic/negative, I just don’t respond or I only respond to the part that is neutral (or positive which is rare).  When she is neutral, I try to find ways to validate her which seems to be a very important thing for pwBPD. 

I hope you will continue to post and share your journey.  We have so much to learn from each other.

[Furry ball]

Thank you all
I don't see why we should be in everyday contact when there is nothing to talk about. I get that she may be stressed about our parents (they both have covid now and mum is recovering from the surgery too) but she talks to them every single day anyway. She can leave me out of the equation.

There was recently some commotion over the holidays too. Sis hasn't been back to see my parents for about four years and this year she decided to go for New Year's but not Christmas. Meanwhile my partner and I had booked to go for Christmas but leave on the 27, when she arrives. We booked independently, without asking one another, but my dad got furious with me for not announcing my plans and wanted me to change our dates and stay longer so as to see sis. She of course is unable to make any changes because she is very busy and her boss pressures her and cannot take time off any other time etc. etc. She makes her plans and everyone has to cater to her. I refused to change our plans and my parents were very upset. When I talked to my sis she said that she didn't care that she won't see us, because she'd rather have the flat to herself and rest because she is very tired. She said she wanted to meet my partner (they've never met) but that's ok. Mind you we will still see her for a few hours before we catch our flight and when I told her she was negative about that too (there isn't time, we will have to leave before she arrives etc.) She also said that I shouldn't treat our parents' flat as a hotel, coming and going as I please, without telling them my plans. I made no comment.

Needless to say I don't exactly want to talk to her more after all this. I even had a discussion with my dad, when he was putting pressure on me to be more in touch with her,  and told him to stop interfering and that this is the best I can do for my mental health. I said you don't have to like it but you have to accept it because I can't take this pressure anymore. Somehow after having the conversation with dad, I realised that I shouldn't have to justify whether I talk to her or not and how often. She hasn't been nice to me, why should I indulge her? So I am being more terse with her than before, which she might have picked up and this is why she is pestering me. But for the first time after many years, I don't care if she has a tantrum. I am not afraid of her and her needs are not more important. I won't talk to her just to appease her.