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thankful person
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 982

Formerly known as broken person…


« on: November 09, 2023, 04:50:11 PM »

Lesbian marriage, 3 small children who sleep in the marital bed with my wife…

We rarely have actual sexual interactions. But we’re falling back into an old pattern (fully orchestrated by her) where she wants me to turn her on through text messages and I’m failing to do that. She used to say verbally but now says I’m not capable of it. I’m feeling so stressed and anxious and she acts like, nope you just failed another assignment! Try again!

These text sessions go on for up to six hours and stop me sleeping. If I say I’m going to sleep then she comes in and shouts at me which I worry about it disturbing and upsetting the kids which is basically how she controls this. It never gets us anywhere.

This has been going on for years though we do have breaks from it. I have never been the sexual partner she wants.
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SaltyDawg
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« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2023, 04:16:58 AM »

Lesbian marriage, 3 small children who sleep in the marital bed with my wife…

We rarely have actual sexual interactions. But we’re falling back into an old pattern (fully orchestrated by her) where she wants me to turn her on through text messages and I’m failing to do that. She used to say verbally but now says I’m not capable of it. I’m feeling so stressed and anxious and she acts like, nope you just failed another assignment! Try again!

These text sessions go on for up to six hours and stop me sleeping. If I say I’m going to sleep then she comes in and shouts at me which I worry about it disturbing and upsetting the kids which is basically how she controls this. It never gets us anywhere.

This has been going on for years though we do have breaks from it. I have never been the sexual partner she wants.

I see a few issues here... 

The first being that three small children are sleeping in the marital bed - there is nothing like having kids in the same bed you want to get frisky in to dampen your motivation to get frisky.  On rare exceptions, when my children were the age of your children, they slept in their own beds.  If they had night terrors, I went over and comforted them in their own bed, or my wife did.  I set a firm boundary that the marital bed, after hours was exclusive to my wife and I.  You might want to consider setting a boundary on 'sleeping' with children in this bed.

Side note:  My wife would often spend the better part of the night sleeping with my children at night up until they were tweens, which is another emotional issue altogether.

The next two issues I see deal with timing... 

The first timing issue is the length of your texting interactions, 6-hours is an eternity for getting turned on to each other... unless this is foreplay (e.g. flirting throughout the day, that way one would be ready for sex, after the children are distracted or put to bed).  There is likely something else going on, that your wife cannot articulate... See seems to be very 'needy' for attention, perhaps validation.  Borderlines require a seemingly excessive amount of validation in order for their emotional needs to be met.

The next issue is that you are very tired when she does this, and you need to get your sleep.  Self-care is very important, and getting a good night's rest is part of that.  I know I am more irritable when tired, I suspect you might be too.  I know when I am beyond tired - dead tired, the last thing on my mind is sex.

I also see that there is a mismatch in your respective sex drives.  She wants it, and you don't especially since you have a lot of self-described anxiety and stress surrounding this.  Most women, I know can't just 'turn it on' on demand.  It is a process.

Being mindful that neither one of you are mind-readers, you might want to ask your wife a variation of following question, and see what her response is...

"I cannot seem to seduce you properly and I am at my wits end trying to please you.  I am wondering if we can do a role reversal so I may be able to learn what you want from me.  Can you seduce me the way you want me to seduce you?" -- As long as you are both consenting, have fun with this.

A quick google search came up with this article, which seems to have a lot of good suggestions, you may want to share this with your wife:

https://www.fatherly.com/life/how-we-still-fit-sex-into-our-schedule-according-to-10-busy-parents

I've saved the most important issue for last, where your wife shouts at you in order to be in control.  This is bad behavior in the form of verbal abuse, and this should stop.  I would suggest setting a boundary, on this too.  Since she is the one that wants sex, indicate if you are being shouted at, you will no longer participate, and will speak with her when she has calmed down.  The first few times you do this, she will likely lash out with an extinction burst; however, if you do not reward bad behavior with a desired action, she will eventually get the message and no longer do it.

Consider setting a boundary on the 6 hours of texting (unless it is part of foreplay) too.

What are your thoughts on these observations/suggestions?

Take care with self-care.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2023, 05:17:35 AM »

I'm sorry Thankful Person but 6 hours of texting while you are in separate rooms and she's in bed with 3 children doesn't sound like the setting for romance. Keeping you up for 6 hours at night and not allowing you to sleep is not being kind or loving to you. You are human with your own needs for sleep and affection.

IMHO, this is a no win situation: "turn me on while I have 3 kids in the bed and you are in a separate room"  said no Hollywood screen writer for a love scene ever ( I hope not). It's also not appropriate with kids in the bed too.

I think it will be up to you to decide your limit on participating in this. I wish I could think of another solution but a boundary on when and where you will participate in a sexual relationship might be all you can do and especially not with the kids in the bed.
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thankful person
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Gender: Female
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 982

Formerly known as broken person…


« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2023, 04:21:01 PM »

Thank you both for your thoughts. My wife and I have not slept in the same bed for years, even before the kids she always had some excuse. Tbh I very much dislike being in bed with her because I lay there like a pencil scared to move while she complains about me taking up too much space. So I barely get any sleep.

The kids are happy in their own beds but we recently had a lodger here who only stayed a month but then my wife started having the kids in with her (to protect them). This was instead of the original plan which was that I would be in bed with her with the lodger in spare room. Recently I’m sleeping in one of the girls’ beds (they have big beds). My wife’s plan would be that I turn her on through text messages then she sneaks in here for sexy time with me when kids are asleep. Strangely tonight it’s only just gone 10pm and she is not texting me so I’m hoping she has fallen asleep haha.

If I come up against the same issues again I will try asking her to seduce me in the way she desires from me. I agree with SD, I don’t think for a minute she will do this. She has trouble in all areas when put on the spot to express what she wants…

It will be very difficult to set a boundary on the shouting, unless I were to leave the house which is not what I want to do in the middle of a cold night especially with the children waking up scared and me not being in the house. I did express to her recently that her keeping me awake is emotional abuse, and she counteracts that with, “you’ve been emotionally abusing me for years in denying me the sex I crave…” Again, I have never said no to her regarding sex, though I have expressed that I need sleep.
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SaltyDawg
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: BPDw in preliminary remission w/ continual progress
Posts: 1261


TAKE CARE with SELF-CARE!


« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2023, 09:27:49 PM »

Tbh I very much dislike being in bed with her because I lay there like a pencil scared to move while she complains about me taking up too much space. So I barely get any sleep.

I can understand having separate sleeping accommodations if this is the case.  However, this does not foster closeness. 


The kids are happy in their own beds but we recently had a lodger here who only stayed a month but then my wife started having the kids in with her (to protect them).

Perhaps that fear is a 'temporary paranoid thoughts' about the lodger harming your children?  Now that the 'threat' is gone, you might want to encourage your wife about having the children go back to their respective beds/crib with an open ended question along the same lines.


My wife’s plan would be that I turn her on through text messages then she sneaks in here for sexy time with me when kids are asleep. Strangely tonight it’s only just gone 10pm and she is not texting me so I’m hoping she has fallen asleep haha.

It sounds like a nice idea; however, if it has not happened by now, it likely is not working.


If I come up against the same issues again I will try asking her to seduce me in the way she desires from me. I agree with SD, I don’t think for a minute she will do this. She has trouble in all areas when put on the spot to express what she wants…

Perhaps, but be a little more subtle about it, and ask an 'open-ended' question on this, and let her brainstorm a solution that is acceptable to her and to you too.


It will be very difficult to set a boundary on the shouting, unless I were to leave the house which is not what I want to do in the middle of a cold night especially with the children waking up scared and me not being in the house.

I can see your frustration in not being able to set an effective boundary on the shouting.  Let's do a little bit of brainstorming here...  Can you come up with a solution that both of you would be open to?  Obviously, appeasing your wife by giving in to her demands, doesn't work, so if you can think of anything else that you might be able to try?  I also sense your fear of not being there for the children if you were to leave.


I did express to her recently that her keeping me awake is emotional abuse, and she counteracts that with, “you’ve been emotionally abusing me for years in denying me the sex I crave…” Again, I have never said no to her regarding sex, though I have expressed that I need sleep.

Both of you cannot be the 'victim' in the Karpman Drama Triangle.  I can see your wife's point of view, as I too have felt that way towards my wife.  Likewise, I can also see your point of view too in keeping you awake needlessly especially as you never have denied your wife's emotional need for sexual intimacy.  Can you give some thought on how to reduce the conflict and stop arguing, and focus on your wife's feelings on this matter?  Then ask your wife an open ended question on how to engage in sex and to get her needs met?

The gray text above is an example of the communication technique I would like you to try on your wife, just as I have used it on you.  How did you feel when I asked those questions in that manner (in gray)?  And also made a few statements validating your feelings on the matter.  Also, by having her come up with the solution, you are empowering your wife to come up with the solution.  Do use open ended questions to nudge (not push) her in a direction that is acceptable to you.

Do you have additional thoughts on this matter?
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