Lesbian marriage, 3 small children who sleep in the marital bed with my wife…
We rarely have actual sexual interactions. But we’re falling back into an old pattern (fully orchestrated by her) where she wants me to turn her on through text messages and I’m failing to do that. She used to say verbally but now says I’m not capable of it. I’m feeling so stressed and anxious and she acts like, nope you just failed another assignment! Try again!
These text sessions go on for up to six hours and stop me sleeping. If I say I’m going to sleep then she comes in and shouts at me which I worry about it disturbing and upsetting the kids which is basically how she controls this. It never gets us anywhere.
This has been going on for years though we do have breaks from it. I have never been the sexual partner she wants.
I see a few issues here...
The first being that three small children are sleeping in the marital bed - there is nothing like having kids in the same bed you want to get frisky in to dampen your motivation to get frisky. On rare exceptions, when my children were the age of your children, they slept in their own beds. If they had night terrors, I went over and comforted them in their own bed, or my wife did. I set a firm boundary that the marital bed, after hours was exclusive to my wife and I. You might want to consider setting a boundary on 'sleeping' with children in this bed.
Side note: My wife would often spend the better part of the night sleeping with my children at night up until they were tweens, which is another emotional issue altogether.
The next two issues I see deal with timing...
The first timing issue is the length of your texting interactions, 6-hours is an eternity for getting turned on to each other... unless this is foreplay (e.g. flirting throughout the day, that way one would be ready for sex, after the children are distracted or put to bed). There is likely something else going on, that your wife cannot articulate... See seems to be very 'needy' for attention, perhaps validation. Borderlines require a seemingly excessive amount of validation in order for their emotional needs to be met.
The next issue is that you are very tired when she does this, and you need to get your sleep. Self-care is very important, and getting a good night's rest is part of that. I know I am more irritable when tired, I suspect you might be too. I know when I am beyond tired - dead tired, the last thing on my mind is sex.
I also see that there is a mismatch in your respective sex drives. She wants it, and you don't especially since you have a lot of self-described anxiety and stress surrounding this. Most women, I know can't just 'turn it on' on demand. It is a process.
Being mindful that neither one of you are mind-readers, you might want to ask your wife a variation of following question, and see what her response is...
"I cannot seem to seduce you properly and I am at my wits end trying to please you. I am wondering if we can do a role reversal so I may be able to learn what you want from me. Can you seduce me the way you want me to seduce you?" -- As long as you are both consenting, have fun with this.
A quick google search came up with this article, which seems to have a lot of good suggestions, you may want to share this with your wife:
https://www.fatherly.com/life/how-we-still-fit-sex-into-our-schedule-according-to-10-busy-parentsI've saved the most important issue for last, where your wife shouts at you in order to be in control. This is bad behavior in the form of verbal abuse, and this should stop. I would suggest setting a boundary, on this too. Since she is the one that wants sex, indicate if you are being shouted at, you will no longer participate, and will speak with her when she has calmed down. The first few times you do this, she will likely lash out with an extinction burst; however, if you do not reward bad behavior with a desired action, she will eventually get the message and no longer do it.
Consider setting a boundary on the 6 hours of texting (unless it is part of foreplay) too.
What are your thoughts on these observations/suggestions?
Take care with self-care.
