Not sleeping - Mother acting out again

[Methuen]

I’m currently on holiday with H and our adult children.  It’s been
about a week already that we are out of country. 

About a month ago, I called home care and explained we would all be out of the country.  They are aware of her resistance to accept help and her history of cancelling home care service.  The nurse suggested they would put a “no cancel” on the file, and told me they would take the blame and take her “push back” for it.

Once our flight had departed, mom got her first safety check.  The home care worker that did the check left me a phone message, and told me mom was very angry, took the key out of the lock box, and cancelled the service.

Home care threw me under the bus, and didn’t follow up on their own suggestion.

When I phoned home care to speak with the same nurse that had suggested the “no cancel”, I explained that I now had a very big target on my back, and I was afraid.  She said mom had told her “we didn’t love her or we would have called after her routine eye injection for macular degeneration.” She reported to mom that she had told mom it was very evident to her we did love her with examples.  It’s very clear to me now that home care doesn’t understand BPD despite my disclosures about mom.  I trusted them and shouldn’t have.  The told me they would tell mom that the safety checks were their decision, but that communication didn’t happen.

Meanwhile there are many ways I know my mom is raging, and it will keep building inside her until we all get home, and she can project those toxic feelings on me, and probably my family.

In the 20 years since my beautiful dad passed, I have emailed or texted to stay in contact with her every time we go on a road trip or holiday in an attempt to counter her feelings of abandonment.

This time she is ghosting me.  And H.  And both of her grandchildren who are with us. 

The silent treatment is her way of feeling more powerful.  She wants to hurt me with revenge for communicating with home care.

I can deal with that.  I know it was the right thing to do because she has so many complex medical conditions that someone in the health care system should be checking in with her while we are away since she has chosen to live at risk independently.

What I’m struggling with is not being able to sleep at night.  I can fall asleep, but I can’t stay asleep. So on our dream holiday, I am getting 2-4 hrs a night, and my usual techniques aren’t working.  During the day I am pretty well able to be in the moment and enjoy the destination and my family, but at night I can’t seem to keep my brain switched off.  For example last night I managed to sleep a couple of hours before waking up. After that every time I got back to sleep I was awake 10-30 min later, with her taking up all the real estate in my brain.  My meditation app gets me to sleep but doesn’t keep me asleep.

If anyone has suggestions I’m very open to hearing them.

[GaGrl]

When my sister had Stage IV breast cancer, I went through a period of not sleeping. I would go to sleep but then wake up about 2:30 AM and not be able to get back to sleep until about 5:30 AM, with the alarm going off an hour later. It was horrible.

My therapist said it was "agitated depression," and it happens when there are circumstances happening that are outside one's control. He referred me to a psychiatrist, who agreed and put me on a short course of antidepressants. The first weekend I started the meds, I slept 12 hours each night.

Are you taking any meds now? Might it be worth a consult when you return from vacation?

[Notwendy]

Oh my goodness Methuen- me too. I don't sleep well when BPD mother is on the edge. I didn't sleep well when she was in the hospital waiting for a bed at the skilled nursing because I was afraid she'd find some way out of it.

I slept very well once she was there. I knew she was being taken care of. Then she did something similar- threw all our efforts under the bus, rallying the staff to her side to support her leaving. Now, she's back at AL complaining that her medical problems are getting worse. They got better when she was in skilled nursing, and when she doesn't have that level of care, she isn't able to be as stable.

What is it with our mothers?

I understand how you feel. With BPD mother out of care, it feels as if there's a predator out there- our bodies respond. I think this is also reinforced from childhood - when we weren't certain about BPD mother and also, because we don't feel safe with them. They don't care who they hurt. I also think because we were enlisted as their caretakers, we feel on alert unless someone is taking care of them.

And they retaliate. Your mother is angry that you went on vacation. Mine called me up in the middle of vacation as well- I think they do this on purpose.

I understand- wish I had some advice. Warm epson baths at night help and I on occasion use an over the counter sleep aid if I am having a rough time. Of course ask your medical provider for what is best/safe for you.

I also wrote in another post that I got a cpap machine. I read that menopause can cause a need for this. Something to think about looking into if there's long term sleep issues.

[zachira]

I am so sad for you. The only suggestion I have is to remember that trauma is stored in our bodies and when there is preverbal trauma from childhood, overwhelming trauma, and ongoing trauma, only talking about it doesn't usually resolve the trauma. I often have nightmares, though not like before, now that my mother has passed away, and I am NC and LC with most of my disordered family members. What has worked for me over the years, is trying to gently stretch and loosen every body part I can think of before I go to bed.
We are here for you. The silent treatment can often be more painful than verbal abuse.

[SaltyDawg]

Getting more sleep... 

I too, when I was really stressed about my pwBPD followed the advice of one of the members on here.  They recommended melatonin, I find, that if I take an adult dosage, just before I fall asleep from exhaustion, it keeps me asleep for a lot longer than the 2-4 hours you mentioned.  More often than not it was 5 hours, and if I was running on 2 hours of sleep from the night before, I could do up to 7.  While it is not a full 8 hours of sleep, it is far better than the 2-4 that you mentioned, and I experienced when I was much more stressed by my pwBPD.

It also helps my S12 with his abandonment issues as well.

Take care with self-care.

[Methuen]

Thanks everyone for the suggestions and support.  You’ve given me some things to think about.

I understand how you feel. With BPD mother out of care, it feels as if there's a predator out there- our bodies respond. I think this is also reinforced from childhood - when we weren't certain about BPD mother and also, because we don't feel safe with them. They don't care who they hurt. I also think because we were enlisted as their caretakers, we feel on alert unless someone is taking care of them.

And they retaliate. Your mother is angry that you went on vacation. Mine called me up in the middle of vacation as well- I think they do this on purpose.

Yes to predator.  I’ve always been phobic of snakes- a teacher who turned out a pedophile kept a boa constrictor in a class of little girls and used to take it out of the cage daily.

Now I have the same unsafe feeling from my mom.  Predator- yes.

And yes also to: “because they groomed us to be their caretakers, we are on alert unless they are being cared for”.  You articulated that perfectly.  Surprisingly, I would not have been able to connect those dots myself.  So thank you.

Yes they retaliate.  My mother has been telling people I don’t love her because I didn’t call her before I left. 

She didn’t call me to wish us a good trip. She has zero awareness that I am terrified of her. 

She’s enraged I told home care we were going to be out of the country.

I’ve been sending her little texts and pictures reminiscent of a trip we took her on with us years ago - my attempt to bring back memories of good times.

She’s ghosted me.  And tonight I got this:

“ I’m fine and busy , please quit bugging my phone. You never called when you left”

It is irreconcilable.  She is untreated and untreatable at 87. She is cruel.  I don’t know why I care so much…

[Notwendy]

Now I have the same unsafe feeling from my mom.  Predator- yes.

And yes also to: “because they groomed us to be their caretakers, we are on alert unless they are being cared for”.  You articulated that perfectly.  Surprisingly, I would not have been able to connect those dots myself.  So thank you.

Yes they retaliate. 

She has zero awareness that I am terrified of her. 

She’s enraged I told home care we were going to be out of the country.


It is irreconcilable.  She is untreated and untreatable at 87. She is cruel.  I don’t know why I care so much…

Mine is cruel too. I am also on alert when she's in a good mood- that usually means she's "up to something". I can "read" the sound of her voice as to when she is being manipulative. Actually it feels uncomfortable when she's being nice and sweet on the phone.

One of her family members mentioned how- when she wants something- she always gets her way. She does- by various means.

But what is the result of her getting what she wants? Her children are terrified of her. She may get people to do things for her. But she doesn't have true connections with the people closest to her.

I can tell that I feel anxious when doing things for her. I feel anxious when I am handling anything that belongs to her. That was not allowed. We were not allowed to touch her things. When I helped to clear her house there were items there I had not ever seen- she had some china and serving pieces, some pictures, things I didn't know existed. I am pretty sure my children know where things are in the house- even if they don't get into them- they weren't afraid to look at them.

What I don't do is send texts like you are doing. My interactions with my mother are more business oriented. I don't assume there's more to the relationship on her part than me doing tasks for her. I do what I feel is needed and what is possible on my end to assist- and what I am willing to do. The more servitude to her, the better as far as she is concerned. This is not a reciprocal emotional relationship and that is one of the reasons why I feel anxious and scared of her. She doesn't care what she does or if she hurts anyone.

[Tangled mangled]

.

My therapist said it was "agitated depression," and it happens when there are circumstances happening that are outside one's control. He referred me to a psychiatrist, who agreed and put me on a short course of antidepressants. The first weekend I started the meds, I slept 12 hours each night.

Are you taking any meds now? Might it be worth a consult when you return from vacation?

Hi Methuen,
I was going to respond to this post but GaGirl said exactly what I was going to say.
Please don’t underestimate the depression from this prolonged grief with your dear mother.
I saw a psychiatrist too , changed my antidepressant to a prescription that helps me sleep through the night. Night waking is a sign of depression unfortunately.
Even though you are having a great time on holiday tge depression is taking a toll on you.

[Tangled mangled]

She’s ghosted me.  And tonight I got this:

“ I’m fine and busy , please quit bugging my phone. You never called when you left”

It is irreconcilable.  She is untreated and untreatable at 87. She is cruel.  I don’t know why I care so much…

Oh Methuen,
I’m sending you hugs and positive vibes as weather this storm.

I pray at some point you find a way to not give an eF . Excuse my French.

The text from your mum sounds like a text written by my mum.
I work in healthcare and meet people like your mum on a regular basis. The fact that your mum was a nurse makes it even harder to care for her.

In addition to what’s been said, please find a way to keep yourself safe emotionally and guarded from her toxic statements. It really doesn’t matter what she says and it’s not possible to validate her feelings.
Someone on this site said to picture your pwbpd in a straight jacket when they are raging or abusive. This has helped me work out how to deal with my mum. I’m No contact for over 2 years now but when I last sent her a text, I had that picture in my mind and knew what to expect from the interaction.

[Methuen]

When my sister had Stage IV breast cancer, I went through a period of not sleeping. I would go to sleep but then wake up about 2:30 AM and not be able to get back to sleep until about 5:30 AM, with the alarm going off an hour later. It was horrible.

My therapist said it was "agitated depression," and it happens when there are circumstances happening that are outside one's control. He referred me to a psychiatrist, who agreed and put me on a short course of antidepressants. The first weekend I started the meds, I slept 12 hours each night.

I have spent some time reading about “agitated depression “.  It does not seem like a good fit based on what I’m reading.  I don’t have the psyho motor agitation - hand wringing or pacing etc.  It seems like a better fit for my mom actually - especially the agitation piece.

Interesting that the antidepressants had such an impact on your sleep.  When you say “short course “, was that 3 months, 1 year? When you transitioned off them, how did that affect your sleep?

On our current out of country trip, we are traveling with both our adult children.  My mom has continued to ghost all 4 of us, including her GC grandson who is still traveling with us. We are her only immediate family.  Her other family is older than she is and she hasn’t seen them in over 10 years since her mobility issues prevent travel.

I can imagine what evil she is cooking up back home although for the most part I’m doing reasonably well during the daytime at staying in the present.  But the night times continue to be brutal with the night waking problem.

When we get back home in about 10 days, we will have to deal with the first visit. 

I am unsure how to approach that.  Any suggestions?

“Hi mom!  We’re home!  We had a great trip.  We brought you something!”

To which she will 100% say “I don’t want it!”  and thus it starts. 

Since her text said “…you didn’t call before you left…” this is a symptom of the abandonment dysregulation.  She is angry and vengeful right now.  It’s also a symptom of her narcissism since she could have initiated the call to wish us a good trip…

I just sense that at 87 with her declining health and increasing desperation, she may be coming unhinged.  But not so unhinged that she can’t still fake the charm to others to have her needs met, including the one for revenge against us.

It’s crazy making material.

[Notwendy]

I can imagine what evil she is cooking up back home

I ask myself "what is she up to now"? When she is acting extra nice to me, I wonder what is she up to as well.

A while back we took a trip to visit my father's side of the family. I knew she would feel hurt that we didn't visit her instead, but this is the family who we stayed with as kids- and we are close to them. We wanted to visit them. We certainly didn't visit with intent to hurt her.

She was angry and refused to speak to us for a while after that.

Why is the silent treatment so scary to us? It's because this was a scary experience as a child. According to Patricia Evans- an author on verbal abuse in marriage, the silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse. If she's doing it, it is because it works for her.

I did work on this in 12 steps and the advice was to not react. She's not speaking to you? Her choice. Our role is to not be emotionally reactive and not lean to either side- react by ignoring her in return- or try to engage her and ask "what's wrong" "please talk to me". Just act as if you normally do with her. Since you are out of town, just let her be- you don't have to talk to her at the moment.

When you return, do as you normally do. "We are back, Mom, here's a gift" and it's up to her to do what she wants with it. When I give my mother anything- I am not invested in her response to it- maybe she will like it, maybe she won't. I will try to give her something she will like- but that's as much as I can do. I also consider the possibility that it will end up in the trash. Although I think that doing so is wasteful, she has thrown things in the trash so, I don't give her things I would be attached to. I usually send flowers or a fruit/sweet basket and she can do what she chooses with that.

So go visit with something and say "hi Mom, we are back". If her response is "I don't want it" then you say "OK Mom, I will see you later" and you just leave with the gift. Don't continue that conversation. If she doesn't say she doesn't want it- or just doesn't speak to you, leave the gift and say "OK Mom, I will see you later" and leave. She will do what she wants with the gift. Then, you have made your gesture- it's up to her to decide to speak to you. Eventually my BPD mother comes around. When she does, she acts like nothing happened. It's all OK now. Don't try to ask what happened- just go along with it as if it didn't happen either.

Now, if there was the potential for a closer relationship, our inclination is to try to talk things over and repair the connection. I don't think this is possible with my mother. If she's pretending nothing happened, I just leave it alone.

[zachira]

"I can imagine what evil she is cooking up back home."

Perhaps part of the not sleeping is not being able to imagine what evil your mother is cooking up back home. If you could actually predict what your mother is going to do to hurt you, then you probably could be well prepared for what is going to happen. I know with my NPD sister and some of my disordered relatives, I gave up on them because I learned I could never be emotionally prepared for what cruelties they would be inflicting on me next and I lived in terror fearing what they could do, including often waking up at night from terrifying nightmares. I know your situation is different in that your mother is elderly and you feel obligated to see that she is getting taken care of.

Notwendy has given you some good suggestions. I would add to that to bring someone with you when you go to see your mother, so you feel protected and have someone to process with your feelings after your leave your mother's house.

[GaGrl]

Methuen, I really had no symptoms other than disturbed sleep. The short course of antidepressants was about 12 weeks -- it reestablished a healthy sleep pattern, and I was okay after that.

I agree with Zachira -- if you can think of "worst case scenario" when you get home, mentally walk through it, know that this too shall pass...maybe you can relax into a better quality sleep.

[Mommydoc]

Methuen, sorry your sleep is disrupted.  I have and am currently experiencing the same thing and even though you are OK during the day, you aren’t getting the replenishment we all need during sleep. 

One of the things my therapist pointed out to me, when I would obsess on how to respond to my sister, was “it doesn’t matter”… you can have the perfect response, the worst response, or something in between… your sister is who she is and you can’t change her.  It still takes a lot of energy to deal with her and is frequently unpleasant, and ultimately draining, but I try to spend less energy on her, and am working hard to refocus that energy on myself. I love NotWendy’s suggestions.  It seems like part of the trick is being unattached to her response.  If she is appreciative of the gift, “ glad you like it”, if she rejects it, “ok, see you later” both with the same neutral tone.   Enjoy your trip!

[Notwendy]

One thing that has helped me is warm baths in the evening, especially with Epsom salts. Then I put on PJ's and watch TV for a while. I envy my H- he falls asleep as soon as his head is on the pillow. I do better if I have the time to just sit and chill in front of the TV before falling asleep. We don't keep a TV in the bedroom- otherwise, I'd fall asleep and it would stay on all night.

Blue light glasses help too- the yellow ones that block most of the blue light- as blue light from screens can affect sleep.

As to the gifts, yes, she has thrown them out in the trash so while I do try to get her something she might like, I know she might just toss it out.

[SaltyDawg]

We don't keep a TV in the bedroom- otherwise, I'd fall asleep and it would stay on all night.

TV in the bedroom is not a good idea; however, if you do have one in the bedroom, use a sleep timer (most newer sets have one), that is what I do with my pwBPD, set it, and forget it.

[Methuen]

I slept very well once she was there. I knew she was being taken care of. Then she did something similar- threw all our efforts under the bus, rallying the staff to her side to support her leaving. Now, she's back at AL complaining that her medical problems are getting worse. They got better when she was in skilled nursing, and when she doesn't have that level of care, she isn't able to be as stable.

This just fits the narrative so perfectly NW.  My mom keeps telling me her medical problems (as if I am her Dr).  The insinuation is that it is my job to make her feel better.  I consistently bounce the ball back into her court and tell her to talk to her doctor about it.  When the doc prescribes instructions she ignores them and comes back to me to complain as if I am her Dr.  Then I refer her back to her Dr.  Nothing changes until one day she creates an emergency and wants to go to the hospital.  She then charms and interacts with the staff as an ex nurse, until she decides she’s not getting enough attention and then she wants to go home.  The locus of her life now is her health issues, some of which are legit and some of which are not. I’m really hoping that after enough of these visits, the staff see the pattern. The common theme I’m seeing with BPD moms is they don’t want to get better, they want attention and need chaos.  Looking for solutions to feel better is not their goal.

Your mom complains about her medical issues, got attention for them at skilled nursing, but essentially sabatoged by choosing to go back to AL.  It’s the same crazy pattern…

  I also think because we were enlisted as their caretakers, we feel on alert unless someone is taking care of them.

This.  I am still sitting with this. This is exactly why I initiated contact with home care to inform them I would be out of the country.  I still think it was the right thing to do.  She’s essentially a child, so someone medically responsible needs to know in the event of a real medical emergency.  On the other hand, she’s chosen to live at risk.  So should I or shouldn’t I inform home care when we leave town (since it causes her to rage).

There is so much good material for me on this thread.  Thank you everyone for all the replies.  It’s been so helpful.  I’m happy to report that I had 3 consecutive good sleeps before having a bad one again last night.  I’m in the last 6 sleeps of our trip, and once I get home I’m going to take up the sleep issues with my doc again.  I had a sleep study done a while back, but then the ball got dropped and I need to follow up and include the role that my mother potentially plays in my sleep issues as well.

  It seems like part of the trick is being unattached to her response.  If she is appreciative of the gift, “ glad you like it”, if she rejects it, “ok, see you later” both with the same neutral tone.

Yes.  And therein lies the challenge - to grey rock successfully once we’ve been emotionally triggered, without her noticing we’ve been triggered.  It’s a desirable and necessary goal.

As a last thought, our family did a night tour of a jungle last night.  This is crazy to me because I am phobic of snakes for reasons mentioned earlier.  The guide missed seeing a viper, and my son spotted it about 2 feet away as he was just behind the guide.  The guide said it was the second most poisonous snake in the country. Despite my phobia, I decided to challenge myself and go on the tour. I think seeing that snake played a role in why I had a bad sleep last night after having 3 good ones.  I made a rational decision to go on this tour because I knew that in this country they have anti venom injections for every poisonous snake in the country, and I was in close proximity to a hospital.  I didn’t want to miss out on a cool experience with my family, and I also wanted to be there to know what was going on, rather than be home alone anxious about it their safety on the tour..  I connected the dots some years ago to a snake being a metaphor for my mom.  Much of the time, mom is harmless, but it’s her unpredictability and the sudden surprise attacks which carry so much toxic venom, that make me feel unsafe. 

Despite my phobia, I felt safer going on a night jungle walk in poisonous snake territory, than I do being around my mom.  At least with snake venom there is an antidote.  With my mom there is no antidote.  The next strike is always just around the corner, and there is no avoiding it.

On the positive side, I challenged my phobia and it worked out ok, and my son is ok, and I was able to share the experience with my family.

Now it’s off to bed and sleep…

Thanks again to everyone for your ideas and suggestions.

[So Stressed]

Mine is cruel too. I am also on alert when she's in a good mood- that usually means she's "up to something". I can "read" the sound of her voice as to when she is being manipulative. Actually it feels uncomfortable when she's being nice and sweet on the phone.
...
This is not a reciprocal emotional relationship and that is one of the reasons why I feel anxious and scared of her. She doesn't care what she does or if she hurts anyone.

Here I am up at 5 a.m. unable to sleep because of some cruel emails from my sibling, the Golden child.  I wish I could get it through my head that my relationship with my BPD mother is not a healthy emotional relationship, and that she sees my purpose only as one of serving her.  And, the Golden child seems to have taken up a cause to be cruel to me on her behalf...crazy as that sounds.

My only sibling, who is the Golden child, used to be supportive and I thought we had a relatively good relationship, although there were always signs that it wasn't perfect. A few years ago, Golden child started to be really mean and I don't really know why but I believe that it is because BPD Mom divided us. I also think that Golden child spent too much time isolated during covid and has mental health issues that may have been there before and are worse now.  Lately, Golden child has been sending me nasty emails projecting their shortcomings onto me.  In addition to the emails, Golden child has also done some extremely mean and hurtful things. It is not a good feeling having all that hate sent my way.  I have mostly cut off contact with Golden child, but it isn't really possible to go NC because BPD Mom is intent on having us be all together for special occasions.  I tried to set a boundary there, but then I just got blamed for  causing problems in the family.

I don't even know what to say/write. It just seems useless to try to have a relationship with them but I want a family.

[Notwendy]

I understand- it's complicated. I wanted a relationship with my father. He and my mother were a pair. To go NC with my mother would require being NC with anyone who is connected with her. Although she managed to distance her family and my father from me, NC would still be not completely possible. My kids, and their cousins- even if they aren't close- still know each other, still have connections on social media.

LC and "grey rock" seemed to be the best choice. I think all choices have challenges. If there was a family event, I'd show up, be cordial, polite, not reactive. Keeping conversations at the level of a business associate- only share what you'd share with anyone. Talk about the weather, current events, a good book you read- as long as it isn't personal or controversial, emotional or political.

The dynamics between you, your mother, and golden child sibling could fit into the Kapman triangle. I know this sounds easier said than done- but by not reacting emotionally to your GC sibling, ignoring it, you will be very boring to them. You won't be reinforcing their attempts to get into an emotionally charged discussion.

Yes, it's hard. We want a family but all we can do is the best we can with the family we have. It will help if you can have connections with other people who can connect with you. However, in these situations, I think we do grieve- for the family we wish we could have- and I think that is a normal thing.

[So Stressed]

quote author=Notwendy link=topic=356990.msg13203403#msg13203403 date=1699872083]
Mine is cruel too. I am also on alert when she's in a good mood- that usually means she's "up to something". I can "read" the sound of her voice as to when she is being manipulative. Actually it feels uncomfortable when she's being nice and sweet on the phone.
...
This is not a reciprocal emotional relationship and that is one of the reasons why I feel anxious and scared of her. She doesn't care what she does or if she hurts anyone.
[/quote]

Here I am up at 5 a.m. unable to sleep because of some cruel emails from my sibling, the Golden child.  I wish I could get it through my head that my relationship with my BPD mother is not a healthy emotional relationship, and that she sees my purpose only as one of serving her.  And, the Golden child seems to have taken up a cause to be cruel to me on her behalf...crazy as that sounds.

My only sibling, who is the Golden child, used to be supportive and I thought we had a relatively good relationship, although there were always signs that it wasn't perfect. A few years ago, Golden child started to be really mean and I don't really know why but I believe that it is because BPD Mom divided us. I also think that Golden child spent too much time isolated during covid and has mental health issues that may have been there before and are worse now.  Lately, Golden child has been sending me nasty emails projecting their shortcomings onto me.  In addition to the emails, Golden child has also done some extremely mean and hurtful things. It is not a good feeling having all that hate sent my way.  I have mostly cut off contact with Golden child, but it isn't really possible to go NC because BPD Mom is intent on having us be all together for special occasions.  I tried to set a boundary there, but then I just got blamed for  causing problems in the family.

I don't even know what to say/write. It just seems useless to try to have a relationship with them but I want a family.

[So Stressed]

Sorry....my comments posted twice. I had some trouble posting.