Setting Boundaries with a BPD Mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm really struggling setting boundaries with my mom who has BPD. She is the primary financial contributor in my household and while I do have a job it doesn't make as much and has more flexibility so she sees her job (as well as time) as more important than mine.

I've basically become her nanny. It takes a lot of time away from my own job as well as the time I need to look for a job so I can be more financially independent. To me the answer is most likely setting better boundaries with her but every time I do she see it as me pulling away.

Her response is often extreme, where she will usually threaten me or involve some sort of extreme emotional manipulation. She knows that I'm afraid of my stepdad who is currently estranged but every time I back out of a commitment regarding my sisters she will call him instead. My therapist has told me that maybe I should move out but my fear is that if I do my mother will retaliate and let my stepdad move back in, and then I will not have a home to ever return to. If I had a job that could support me, the situation would be a lot easier but unfortunately I need more time to do that. Any suggestions?

[turtle72]

I'm really struggling setting boundaries with my mom who has BPD. She is the primary financial contributor in my household and while I do have a job it doesn't make as much and has more flexibility so she sees her job (as well as time) as more important than mine.

I've basically become her nanny. It takes a lot of time away from my own job as well as the time I need to look for a job so I can be more financially independent. To me the answer is most likely setting better boundaries with her but every time I do she see it as me pulling away.

Her response is often extreme, where she will usually threaten me or involve some sort of extreme emotional manipulation. She knows that I'm afraid of my stepdad who is currently estranged but every time I back out of a commitment regarding my sisters she will call him instead. My therapist has told me that maybe I should move out but my fear is that if I do my mother will retaliate and let my stepdad move back in, and then I will not have a home to ever return to. If I had a job that could support me, the situation would be a lot easier but unfortunately I need more time to do that. Any suggestions?

[SaltyDawg]

You have given us very little information to make an informed suggestion.

I would suggest talking to your own therapist (T) on this very topic and working with your T on this.

Also, how old are you?  Staying at home, but capable of moving out would put you in the 18-30 year old crowd.  Where you are in this crowd would affect our suggestion(s)

Write down on paper what your current income is, and figure out what you can afford in your area of the country.  If this is insufficient, estimate what you could make if you worked more hours.  Make a budget, and work with your T on figuring out what you need.

Right now your mom is in control.  Also, the dynamic with your step dad seems a bit odd.  Why is he estranged, by his choice, or hers?  If it is his, what makes you think he wants to come back.  Do you think this might be a 'bluff' on her part in order to assert control over you?

As this is very stressful, please be sure to take care of yourself with self-care whatever that might look like for you.

Take care, with self-care.

[livednlearned]

I'm really struggling setting boundaries with my mom who has BPD.

Hi turtle72, welcome and hello. Setting boundaries is so challenging when someone has BPD. Having weak boundaries or none at all is distressing, and to have it be your mother adds additional stress. I'm glad you reached out. It's hard to walk this path alone  

I found I did best with small goals. It's also a bit confusing setting boundaries with someone who may have taught you that having no boundaries is normal. How have you asserted boundaries before with her? Details do seem to make a difference in these relationships.

Maybe we can help suggest alternate ways to try things that might work.

Was your stepfather abusive? It sounds like he was not a safe person to have in the home, making things doubly hard.