Are you journaling? Tips?

[Steppenwolf]

I found a lot of videos that recommended journaling, so I started writing in a journal for a few minutes every day if possible.

I would like to share some experiences you might have had with journaling. In my case, I have to deal with a lot of manipulation tactics, that I cannot quite figure out all the time. So I am trying to write down how I perceive these moments and what might help in the future or what I found helpful. I also try to write down how the situation is currently, so she cannot pull her "but you did XYZ" moments and gaslight me with that. I also try to use it so I can keep a log of issues we still definitely cannot let go of currently. The type of issue that requires a really firm boundary and thus has to be resolved somehow, so I must keep them while she refuses to work on a resolution.

It also helped me understand my emotions a lot better. How do I react emotionally to her? What are my triggers that she might pull? How did the communication techniques work? Etc.

What are your experiences with journaling?

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[SaltyDawg]

I actually use these forums as a form of 'journaling', I have posted on nearly every one of them.  I have noticed others do the same.  This way your thoughts are heard by others who have a similar experience and if it resonates with them, you will often get a response, a reflection of your feelings, and how you may see a different perspective on things.

Being in a dysfunctional relationship, brings dysfunctional perspectives from being gaslit, and having a pwBPD emotions projected or transferred on to you.  It helps me understand what the F- is going on, and how I might be able to better cope and to navigate out of the FOG so I can see more clearly what is actually going on.

I share my feelings so others may benefit from what I have learned, and likewise, I have learned so much from what others have shared here.  I like to give, and in return I have received valuable advice, suggestions, and tips along with a much greater understanding, which has helped me and my family find a path forward in my relationship(s) with my pwBPD and has helped me make good life choices with my uBPDw, children, and relationships.

Have more questions, please ask.

Take care with self-care.

[zondolit]

It's a good question. I wonder why the "experts" recommend journaling.

I love SaltyDog's response.

Over the last few years as I've been on a journey that started with marital counseling and then led me to an awareness of personality disorders and ultimately the decision to leave my marriage, journaling has been a lifeline for me. When I was in the marriage and my ability to discern reality was so limited, journaling did serve the purpose of a record, for myself, of what happened. Sometimes what was happening in my marriage was so weird that I almost couldn't believe it was true.

Also, I wanted to study the patterns. I'd often write down what my husband said and how I responded, etc. I'd study my husband's tactics; I could better see things like how he always had to "win" and how he would frequently turn the tables. I could better see where I took the bait or got angry or did not show curiosity. Then I'd try to do better.

There's something cathartic about talking to a friend. Even if nothing changes, we often feel so much better getting something off our chest. Journaling serves this purpose for me.

[EyesUp]

Journaling has been THE thing that's helped me to help me.

Long before I was aware of PDs in general or N/BPD in particular (or this community), I started documenting things that I found confusing/concerning/troubling.  

My motivation was that I perceived a pattern - a cycle - a repetition - in my relationship with my uBPDx, and I could not wrap my head around it.  I thought it might be early onset Alzheimer's or some other cognitive issue.  I'm like a tape recorder at work, but I had difficulty recalling details of difficult discussions with my uBPDx, so I thought that making a concise record of who/what/when might help me get a grip.

I used an app called Evernote, and kept a running log of key moments.  

Over time, it became a regular habit - although I didn't often go back to the read the entries.

When things got really bad and I was finally motivated to review a difficult history, I was amazed to see notes about events I hadn't thought of in years.  It was like a message, actually more like a warning, from my past self.  This was a big contributor to gaining clarity and conviction - about myself and about my uBPDx - to take action that I had avoided for many years.

Prior to filing for divorce, when things were the worst - and then through the divorce process, I modified my journaling approach as follows:

I addressed my entire Evernote app to my atty, in case it might be requested during legal proceedings. By addressing the journal to my atty, it became atty-client privileged material.

I made concise entries daily or semi-daily entries.  These were not narratives, more like bullet points.  Again, in case anything would ever be used in legal proceedings, I made entries with two audiences in mind:  a) myself - for reference and focus, and b) a judge.  No long, meandering, speculative, or subjective entries - just hard facts, e.g., "uBPDx stated she will not go to mediation.  Slammed door, left.  3:45pm" - or "uBPDx stated I'm a terrible parent and she wants full custody.  She also asked me to confirm I would be home on Saturday night to watch the kids" - you get the idea.

Separately, I used Excel sheets to compile activities, mostly with the kids:

One sheet to keep a running, daily log of all kid-related activity:  drop-offs, pickups, meals, homework, any other activities... I was apprehensive of being accused of not being involved with the kids, so I was motivated to demonstrate otherwise.  When initially confronted with "you never do anything" it's easy to get flummoxed.  So I kept a log to show otherwise.

One sheet to keep a log of meals.  A favorite refrain from uBPDx was that I never cooked and/or that when I cooked, it was unhealthy and bad for the kids, and/or that the kids didn't like what I cooked.  So I simply kept of log.  Very helpful to learn what I actually do / actually did, and handy for discussion with the pediatrician, etc.

And one more sheet to retroactively compile major activities with the kids:  doctor appointments, school performances, parent-teacher conferences, extra curriculars (swim, gymnastics, dance, etc.) going back as far as possible by extracting events from google calendar, gmail, and my photo archive.  Same motivation as above.  This was the antidote to "wait a minute, I'm pretty sure I do stuff with my kids" when confronted with "you don't do anything, and I'm the primary parent"

This might sound exhausting, but once you've got a routine going, it's only a few minutes a day.

The hard part is going back to use it.  If you are kind to yourself, and document/journal activity fairly and objectively - you may just find some surprises when you are motivated to review.

Finally, I recommend using a digital documentation strategy, with backups and password protection.

I don't think my uBPDx ever discovered my participation here - however she did get into my ipad once and managed to find some posts I'd made on an infidelity sub on Reddit.  Although I used a throwaway account and everything was anonymous, she confronted in me in a rage about the way I (accurately) characterized some of her behavior.  The point is:  You cannot be too careful about how you manage your journal, so keep it hidden, keep it safe:  passwords and backups.

In addition to becoming an invaluable tool to help me recognize and understand what was happening in my relationship and navigate out of the FOG, the journals eventually became a real asset in my discussions with my atty and eventually in reaching a 50-50 parenting arrangement:  A much better outcome than what my uBPDx originally threatened/pursued.  I never had to present the journal to the judge - but I was well prepared to do so, if needed.

Good luck.

[kells76]

Great discussion.

Also, I wanted to study the patterns. I'd often write down what my husband said and how I responded, etc. I'd study my husband's tactics; I could better see things like how he always had to "win" and how he would frequently turn the tables. I could better see where I took the bait or got angry or did not show curiosity. Then I'd try to do better.

This raises a good point: that journaling can serve different purposes. For someone detaching from a relationship, it can be a source of strength to continue to heal and move on. For someone conflicted/coparenting/divorcing, it can serve as a reality check: this is what was really happening and here are the receipts.

Here on the Bettering board, it's good to hear how journaling can be a tool for reflecting on our own responses and deciding how to make changes for the better, like zondolit mentioned. Kind of like: OK, it looks like his pattern is to put out bait for me about Topic XYZ. The first five times I responded with JADE-ing and blame, and we had circular arguments, and it took 2-3 days for our household to get back to baseline. The next time, I responded with a validating question, we did not have a circular argument, and our household was back to baseline in about 2-3 hours.

So journaling can act as a mirror for each unique relationship. There's a lot of talk here about a lot of tools, but I can make a record of what specifically works for me and my partner to turn down the temperature.