After LC/NC. Please tell me that it'll get easier SOME DAY.

[almalma]

Hi, guys! Long time since my last post.

I've gone LC/NC with my family but I'm now in shock and stuck. I'm so tired of being unhappy and ashamed of my situation. I now know that my life has never been on my own terms. Now I feel like it's too late to ever be happy. I'm losing hope in tiny doses as the days and months go by. Even though I have moments of empowerment and clarity, I'm too scared to do anything for myself. I can't even apply for jobs. Doing anything (writing a resume/CV, job search, relocation, apartments an so on) feel like IMPOSSIBLE things. I can't go on like this. If I wait any longer and stay put, I'm afraid that I will not make it out. But I'm scared to face the world.

I feel like I know nothing about life or being an adult anymore. It's like I've been dragged back to being a child (but I'm in my mid thirties). My family treats me like an infant whenever I allow them close to me. I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm desperate to get out of this town that I'm living in at the moment. Before the pandemic I was a totally different person and managed to move abroad, work and study and be social. I had hope. After I came back (just after Covid-19 hit), I was faced with escalating abuse during lock down as I had to live with my family for a while. I think I was being punished for leaving the country..

So, I hate living where I am now and to make things worse I live a stones throw away from the apartment where I was SA'd in as a teenager (I posted about this here some time ago). This town and the terrible memories are eating me alive, but I can't do anything about it. I'm paralyzed and stuck. I'm in shock after realizing a few years back how bad the scapegoating, abuse and neglect really was in my family - and my other relationships. For the first time in my life I know I'm not at fault, but now I've lost my life - or it's been stolen. I feel like a loser and sometimes I feel like there's no point in trying to move on. Everything's been destroyed. My whole world has been tainted by betrayal (melodramatic, sorry about that).

I know intellectually that I'm an adult and I can get out of here, but I feel emotionally tethered to my family and this town. I've been told for years that I can't do anything on my own. My family is very enmeshed and toxic in their "attachments". The friends I had for over a decade, I had to distance myself from. Turns out that they have not been very supportive of me. I never saw that reality either. So, I have nowhere to turn to, and I honestly don't know how I can get through this..I'm feeling quite desperate about life and I can't wrap my head around the fact that I've been lied to my whole life - and everything I thought was real was a facade.

I've been too trusting when it comes to my sister and now (after detaching myself from her) I have no support system. She has smeared me to other family members as well.. But no one believes me. Even I question everything I've experienced.

Sorry for the vent and thank you if you read through all this chaos  Any feedback is much appreciated!

[Pook075]

Many years ago, I owned a small pizza restaurant.  I worked 7 days a week from around 2 until 11, and I was all-in on this venture since I dropped out of college for the opportunity.  So I worked my butt off- I'd walk the community and introduce myself to residents and business owners.  I trained the staff and treated them like family, always being available when something was happening in their lives.  I used the highest quality ingredients, made everything from scratch, and delivered an excellent product- fresh pizzas, subs, salads, and lasagna.  And my business steadily grew year after year.

In November of year 3, my town got a massive ice storm.  My business was without power for three weeks since the priority was getting lines run to residential neighborhoods.  And when the lights finally did come on, we found out the water main was broken.  That took an additional two weeks to fix and just like that, I was doomed financially.  Three years of hard work doing everything right, and I just lost all my income in the busiest month for restaurants.  There was no way to recover financially and I didn't have the credit to float the losses over time. 

For the next several months, I was down and depressed thinking life was over, that I was such a failure.  How could I fix things...how could I live with the shame?  I didn't even want to get out of bed.  And I was just shutting down inside as the pain overwhelmed me.  But finally, after maybe 3 months of self-pity, I woke up angry...furious even.  Because I realized the simple truth- the only one that could save me was me.

So I got to work at increasing the store's sales once again and I took a part time job on the side.  Slowly but surely, I started making dents in the debt and finding my inner confidence, my inner happiness once again.  I also started opening the restaurant for lunch, and even though it was slow, I could run it myself and still clear an extra $50-100 a day profit.  Slowly but surely, I turned things around trough my own work ethic, my own determination.

I shared that because sometimes, life just isn't fair.  I didn't summon the ice storm, after all.  I opened a business with nothing in the bank, spent every dollar back into the business, and eventually the gamble caught up with me just through dumb luck.  I was highly successful despite the odds and that experience set me up for the next things in my life.

In your situation, the thing to do is the most natural thing in the world- get angry and motivated to surge forward.  Your past doesn't define you and you're not a loser, you just found yourself in a situation that you don't know how to get through.  Everyone has those moments and it's okay, as long as you learn from it and pick yourself back up again.  The magic comes from the trying, from taking the first step and then taking another.  The only thing you need to figure out right now is what that very first step is.  Then you start moving.

Get a job.  Save some money.  Find a new town to start over in.  Those are the intermediate goals.  But what's the very first step you need to take to get on that path?

[Rev]

Many years ago, I owned a small pizza restaurant.  I worked 7 days a week from around 2 until 11, and I was all-in on this venture since I dropped out of college for the opportunity.  So I worked my butt off- I'd walk the community and introduce myself to residents and business owners.  I trained the staff and treated them like family, always being available when something was happening in their lives.  I used the highest quality ingredients, made everything from scratch, and delivered an excellent product- fresh pizzas, subs, salads, and lasagna.  And my business steadily grew year after year.

In November of year 3, my town got a massive ice storm.  My business was without power for three weeks since the priority was getting lines run to residential neighborhoods.  And when the lights finally did come on, we found out the water main was broken.  That took an additional two weeks to fix and just like that, I was doomed financially.  Three years of hard work doing everything right, and I just lost all my income in the busiest month for restaurants.  There was no way to recover financially and I didn't have the credit to float the losses over time. 

For the next several months, I was down and depressed thinking life was over, that I was such a failure.  How could I fix things...how could I live with the shame?  I didn't even want to get out of bed.  And I was just shutting down inside as the pain overwhelmed me.  But finally, after maybe 3 months of self-pity, I woke up angry...furious even.  Because I realized the simple truth- the only one that could save me was me.

So I got to work at increasing the store's sales once again and I took a part time job on the side.  Slowly but surely, I started making dents in the debt and finding my inner confidence, my inner happiness once again.  I also started opening the restaurant for lunch, and even though it was slow, I could run it myself and still clear an extra $50-100 a day profit.  Slowly but surely, I turned things around trough my own work ethic, my own determination.

I shared that because sometimes, life just isn't fair.  I didn't summon the ice storm, after all.  I opened a business with nothing in the bank, spent every dollar back into the business, and eventually the gamble caught up with me just through dumb luck.  I was highly successful despite the odds and that experience set me up for the next things in my life.

In your situation, the thing to do is the most natural thing in the world- get angry and motivated to surge forward.  Your past doesn't define you and you're not a loser, you just found yourself in a situation that you don't know how to get through.  Everyone has those moments and it's okay, as long as you learn from it and pick yourself back up again.  The magic comes from the trying, from taking the first step and then taking another.  The only thing you need to figure out right now is what that very first step is.  Then you start moving.

Get a job.  Save some money.  Find a new town to start over in.  Those are the intermediate goals.  But what's the very first step you need to take to get on that path?

This entire story is brilliant.  Hard truths shared with a soft heart. There really is no other way. 

Hang in there, reach out any time.

We will listen and encourage.

Thank you for trusting us with your story.

Rev

[Notwendy]

I would say it's a process- there is a steady "get better" as we mature and learn coping and relationship skills but I also don't think it's a straight line to better or a one time place of "all better" -- it's "progress not perfection" as they say but progress is the path, even if it seems to be two steps foward and one step backwards sometime.

By process, I think these are long term relationships and all relationships evolve.  Growing up in a dysfunctional family has an influence on our relationships - when we choose a spouse or have children- that part is on us to work out. I did not leave my children alone with BPD mother but the relationship was non eventful until they got older and she began to enlist them as her emotional caretakers and I had to have boundaries with that then. I think overall it gets better but one step at a time. Your task is to decide on the first step. Focus on that. Take one first step-- then another and another...

[zachira]

It can seem so hopeless and sad when we confront one obstacle after another with disordered family members that leaves us with no choice other than to go LC/NC with our disordered family members. I have been in this situation for many years now. For most of my life, I live paralyzed in fear, unable to understand why I just didn't seem to be able to succeed at anything. I kept trying. I went to long term therapy. It was often so discouraging because my disordered family members kept abusing me and other scapegoats who looked like losers to the family and outsiders. Many of my disordered family members are successes to the outside world because they have succeeded professionally and financially, though they continue to be people who are narcissistic with little empathy for others and deep down inside very insecure because they don't know how to deal with uncomfortable feelings without getting angry or blaming someone else. On the other hand, I have never given up. I now am so much happier after going LC/NC with most of my family members. It is a long road. Do not give up. Keep trying and you will get there, unlike your disordered family members who will stay stuck and become more obviously unhappy as life becomes more challenging with aging and passing time.

[beatricex]

hi almalma,
Abuse by your Family of Origin is a very tricky thing.  I hear what you are saying.  On the one hand, it's hard to leave them.  They are the only family you've got. On the other hand, you realize that if you do not get some distance between yourself and these abusers, they may destroy you.  Everything around you reminds you of the abuse, you're stuck.

I have been in your exact situation when I was in my 30's (I'm in my 50's now) and I'm here to tell you it gets better.  Something that helped me that may help you is to envision meeting a person IRL just like me, that gets it.  Someone you can claim as your chosen family.  Envision that person giving little you a great big hug, letting you cry, letting the emotions overcome you and flood you and that person is a strong woman with the ability to allow you to get the grief out.  Squint a little, and realize you're not looking at a stranger, it is your future self.  Your hair is turning gray, and you have put on a few pounds and have some wrinkles, but it's you.  Envision whatever it is you want in your future life, spouse, dog, home that is safe, whatever you need.  Let the feeling of peace wash over you that you will one day meet this person, your future strong self.

Because you have been through all this and because you're strong because you're hear posting quite lucidly about your situation I'm sure you CAN write a resume.  I think you can take one step to get out of that town.  I think you can research a bus or plane ticket or whatever it is you need to move forward.  Start saving a little money here and there, and make the first step.

 
When the grief was so bad for me I also found that putting on some loud dance music and dancing my butt off helped too.  There is something about this feeling you described of being frozen... I had too and it made me afraid to.  I knew I needed to move or I too would get stuck.  Sometimes the shift is as others describe from sadness to anger.  Sometimes it can be more subtle, like a person that does a small thing in kindness to help you get moving. 

Try not to ruminate on the past, but picture a better life without your toxic family in it.  It's OK to talk about it to people, but make sure they're safe people.  I found that telling everyone my situation (my family sucks!) at work, for example.  It made me feel bad.  I started sharing this only with a select few people.  You don't have to overexplain things to everyone.  Most people are politely asking about you because they're waiting to share something about themself, so you can find some key phrases like "oh I don't celebrate that" if they ask you what you're doing for the holidays (it's true, you don't want to celebrate in the traditional way with your toxic family!)  Volunteer or find some relaxing hobbies to disconnect from the constant thoughts of how you were traumatized.  Watch a movie, even if you have to go by yourself, just to distract yourself occasionally.  Every waking moment cannot be about how we were harmed, else you will stay stuck.

My journey moved very very slowly in my 30's but picked up steam in my 40's and I feel I'm well on my way now that I'm in my 50's.  I strongly urge you to consider LC or NC if this is what is keeping you stuck, the abuse continues.  Talk to a therapist, someone at church or even a neighbor if you have to.  It's OK to reach out to people.  That was something I had to learn cause it was so engrained in me to only trust my family.
 

You can do this!

b

[CC43]

Hello, we understand your feeling of desperation, how you feel stuck.  That happens to most people at one point or another.  I confess I've felt despair a couple of times as an adult.  But it did not last forever.  That you're asking for advice indicates you're getting to a point of wanting to try something different and making your life better.

I have some coping skills I rely on when life gets tough or seems unfair.  The main skills involve self-care:  eating right, exercising regularly and getting regular sleep.  The harder life gets, the more I focus on these three fundamentals.  They see me through the darkest days.  The habits are also self-reinforcing:  if you eat right and exercise, you sleep better.  If you sleep better and eat right, you have more energy for exercise.  If you exercise and sleep on a regular schedule, you'll tend to want healthier foods at mealtimes, and snack less.  If you take good care of yourself, you show everyone how you love yourself, you feel better, and you are much better equipped to deal with life's obstacles.

The other posters talk about taking a first step.  I concur that moving forward is a great way to get unstuck.  Once you start moving, you build up some momentum.  And it's much harder to dwell and ruminate when you're actually moving towards something, literally and metaphorically.  When you're moving forward, there's less mental bandwidth for the past.  You can't change the past, but you can accept it and MOVE forward.  Every day is a new day!  Think of all the opportunities that await you.

Long ago I found an inspiring website about cleaning homes.  The website referred to living in CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome).  That could be a metaphor for one's personal life as well.  Anyway, the website explained how taking BABY STEPS to clean up your home environment will help you regain a feeling of control.  There were many tips, but the three that stuck with me are:  (1) Shine your kitchen sink, (2) Get dressed in the morning to your shoes, and (3) Make your bed.  You're supposed to tackle only one habit at a time for a few days, before building on that and adding another one.  The habit of getting up in the morning and tying on your shoes is a fantastic one for starters--it leads to taking those baby steps!  Once you have your shoes on, you are less inclined to lounge around, put your feet up, or spend too much time sitting still and ruminating.  Instead, you're ready to go and take on the day.  And if you shine your kitchen sink and make your bed, no matter how bad your life seems, at least you have a clean sink to start the day afresh and a comfortable bed to get into at night!

I have a couple of other techniques that help me handle tasks.  One is the "pomodoro method."  It consists of setting a timer (like the old-fashioned kitchen timer shaped like a tomato, or pomodoro in Italian), and focusing on doing a single task, with no distractions or interruptions, for 25 minutes. If you lose mental focus or get off task, you have to start over.  After completing 25 uninterrupted minutes, you can take a 5-minute break.  People need little breaks after bursts of intense focus.  You're supposed to repeat this four times before you can take a longer break.  I like to use the pomodoro method when a task seems big and overwhelming, or when completion is not well defined.  For example, a job search, yard work or dusting could be perfect tasks for the pomodoro.  Sometimes, you'll find that once you get started on a task, it doesn't feel so daunting.  You might even find that you don't need the timer anymore.  And if 25 minutes seems too much, try 15.  In theory, anybody can do anything for 15 minutes.

The other technique I use is what I call the One Thing trick.  In the morning, I write down One Thing that I need to get done for the day, and if I get it done, it will mean it was a great day!  The task has to be meaningful enough to turn my day into a good one.  So if something else goes wrong, at least I did that One Thing right, and that makes me feel great.  If you do this regularly, you'll see what enormous progress you can make.  If you feel really overwhelmed, then break down your big things into a smaller One Thing that you can realistically do in a day.  For example, if you want to find a job, your One Thing for the day could be to prepare a resume.  If preparing a resume seems too daunting, your One Thing for the day could be to write down on a notepad your employment history.  Or your One Thing may be to find three different resume templates online.  Or your One Thing may be to search online for three different sample cover letters in a target industry.

Anyway, I hope you find the will and strength to take charge of your life.  Remember, only you are in charge of you.  All the best to you.