How vindictive and spiteful a BPD rage is

[Red Admiral]

The last of a million rages has gone on longer than I expected it started on Friday and after another extremely verbally abusive explosion on Monday morning it has turned into a sulking session. Talking to our dog in an overly effusive manner just to make me feel as invalidated as he can, a non person who is the cause of all his life's problems. My story has many similarities to Sapphoes I also met my father in my thirties and I also spotted a million and one red flags when I met him. Sadly I didn't know about BPD but an awful lot about NPD as my mother was diagnosed with the disorder. I never expected lightening could strike in the same place twice but it did. I am not easily shocked but when I saw the first BPD rage I am not ashamed to admit I wet myself that is how intense the rages are and I expect I am not alone. Not the greatest thing to admit and of course it doesn't happen now because I know all of the warning signs, there is no instant shock factor anymore. Just a feeling of dread and whether I will be able to bear to listen to the venom that comes out of  his mouth. The physical change in appearance is pretty much instant I expect it is because of all of the adrenaline coursing through his veins, a cortisol overload which has nowhere to go. So it pumps into his face which becomes almost like a piece of white carved stone with a tight jaw and the creepiest of eyes that I have ever seen. Black and dead just like a shark I can see he almost wants to spit the words out, words that have gone round and round in his head. It could have been the smallest of things he see's as a personal slight or a combination of a few that have gathered momentum and they become one big ball of hate. Which will be aimed at me, the ever present basket ball hoop that is still standing but now has patches of rust. That I will not allow to ever damage the base no matter what is thrown my way. Trying to avoid a rage  just prolongs it so I listen after trying first to validate but it's too late nothing will hold back the damn that is about to burst. Disgust oozes from every single pore and he manages to shout through gritted teeth "You are f***ing useless, get away from me you piece of f***ing s**t, you think you are so clever, thinking there is something wrong with me when you are the only nutter round here. Do you think I want to live in a house with someone like you, you stinking lowlife . And his favourite little dig is you are a f***king alcoholic. So many more insults at first they were threats to walk away and not ever see me again. When I had just found him it was like a game of how far can I push you and over time it rendered me inert and stuck, and so I stayed and have managed the situation as best as I am able. I drink twice a week and I leave a three day gap between, but it is perfect cannon fodder for someone who cannot self soothe in any way. I read, I knit, I listen to music and enjoy my wine and have a few friends that I trust. Rather than truly be happy for me that I manage well after a complicated life it is a source of attack. He has said that I have no way to ever calm down why should you? So pretty much all that I do is weaponised when he attacks and is magnified or ridiculed. If I talk about a friend in a complimentary way it becomes "You have your own life and I am no longer a part of it". I could go on and say at least fifty or so lines of attack most of them don't even touch the sides anymore. But of course some do one of todays was regarding our elderly rescue dog who was recently poorly. During the consultation both dad and the vet were going down the route of making an appointment to put him to sleep and made an appointment for later that day. I argued that I thought he had a urinary infection and needed antibiotics and upshot was I was right and he has recovered. Dad felt guilty that he was wrong and I told him there was no need and all that mattered was that our little dog was ok. Today however I was told the reason he was pushing for the dog to be put to sleep was because then he could "go" because living with me was such an unbearable nightmare that needed to end. I just look into his face and eyes and I no longer flinch, and I save my tears for when he walks away. The opportunity was given not to attack and talk but of course at that stage it never was in the equation. A period of righteous indignation  follows when he is the victim of his own self made drama in which he plays the wronged hero. One who has things "just happen to them and who has never made a real mistake in his entire life. Then it goes into quiet (sulk) mode when it is clear that he would quite happily not speak to me for the rest of his life. Which apparently happened to him for eight years when he fell out with his father and so the cycle continues. This is the part I think that I find so damaging and I suspect he knows this. I am sure going on this site is helping because strangely enough I would normally try and do anything to break the silence and seek peace but this time I am not. If he wishes to live in self imposed silence and keeps out of my way then it is his choice. There normally is a period after a rage when he sleeps and is completely dissociated and he will say "my head feels strange". I try and bring him back to the world and can normally do so. He is quiet for a while, lucid and receptive for a while and then the cycle starts again and again.

[Sappho11]

The "black dead shark eyes" I know all too well.

Nothing your father says to you in these rages is just. Please remember that. He's not talking about you; he's actually talking to himself. It's his inner critic who is ever-present in his head, and during these outbursts that dreadful critic comes to light.

He has no right to talk to you this way and to treat you in this abominable manner.

You've mentioned that if you won the lottery, you'd move to a house next door. At this point of abuse however, is your father even worth taking care of? Especially seeing as he never took care of you. Now, as a grown woman, you've chosen to help him, and all you get in return are insults, emotional enslavement and the destruction of your self-esteem.

Have you thought of the life you might be missing while you're living this one? What would that look like?

[Methuen]

Red Admiral,

Firstly, I am sorry for all of this.  No body has the right to treat anyone else like that.  It’s worse than physical abuse because he’s attacking your self esteem.  Like Sappho says, when he’s saying all that stuff he’s projecting his feelings about himself onto you.  Then he feels better.  We call it verbal vomit here.

 I am concerned about the long term effects of living with this person. I wonder if the reason you can exist under the same roof as this person is because you were raised by a narcissistic mother…

Do you see a counselor/therapist? Many of us on here do.

Have you thought of the life you might be missing while you're living this one? What would that look like?

I love this question from Sappho. It’s a really great question.

I  am wondering what it is you are getting in return for staying under the same roof?  Did he help you out once upon a time, and now you feel obligated to stay? 

Are you financially independent? Is it worth it for you to keep living under his roof?

Lastly, how does he treat you when he’s not in a rage?  Is he friendly enough then?

[Rottiemom]

I almost have a jaw drop but sadly we have all experienced a form of this rage.  I agree that you do not have to endure this abuse, it is incredibly sad that we think the cycle will temper. It does not change. I am a veteran of this rage due to going NC 3 yrs. ago, I had to get out of the toxicity before I could not function. The blessing to me was a wonderful counselor w/ BPD knowledge who walked me through understanding, boundaries, and tools to rebuild my self. Perhaps consider this, I am truely concerned for you, and all of us, who try to navigate.

[Red Admiral]

Hi Sappho, Methuen and Rottiemom You will have to excuse the all in one reply as I am still unsure how to copy and paste all of your responses which I truly appreciate. Before I try and answer some of your very valid points and concerns. I guess yesterday when I posted the description of a rage I wanted to be very candid as to how it feels to be on the receiving end of a rage. And that it is normal to react and feel what you do at the time. If you can acknowledge your pain and rationalize it after the event either verbally to a counsellor or by writing it down for me it is cathartic. People often come to me for advise about many different things and I have been told umpteen times that I should be a counsellor myself because I am interested in psychology, and naturally empathetic. Although I understand fully the dynamics of BPD and understand that he is not raging at me but projecting his pain and distress and anxiety onto me. This rage was particularly bad it is disturbing to witness and of course makes me feel fearful at the time regardless whether it is intentional or not it is extreme emotional abuse. I think I can rationalize and deal with the situation on most occasions with no long term effect or damage is for various different reasons. Firstly because I lived with a narcissistic mother and from the earliest of ages I knew that her behaviour was disordered and of course it effected me to a degree. However for some reason I knew that I was not the problem and the more she tried to make me doubt myself the more determined I was to not let her define me or make me a victim of her disordered thinking and treatment. If someone truly intends to hurt another as she did and delighted in doing so ultimately I believe in spiritual karma. Our actions whether good or bad will come back to us. When I am very upset I have always let it out in one big hit if I can, I have learnt that if I don't it stores up into long term anxiety. I was incredibly shocked when I saw the first BPD rage and I should have left very early on into the situation. I was shocked to the point of being frozen and unsure what to do or where to go as I was in a regular job with average pay. I have thought about what life I would live if I wasn't in this situation and it would be pretty much the same... minus one element that I would not miss in the slightest the BPD it's absence in my life will give me relief but also loss.  I am by nature an introvert as I am a Myers Briggs INFJ who typically spend a great deal of time alone or with a select few friends, worry about the world and how to make situations on all levels better. I think this is in part why I do not give up on my dad. I wonder how I would feel not having a true understanding of my personality, being frightened scared and angry, not feeling part of the world and isolated but yet trying to fit in. I used to work with patients who had schizophrenia and it was so sad such a cruel illness.  I understand that through no fault of their own some people are very ill and their actions effect others, particularly when they are not diagnosed or receiving treatment.  After the initial freeze when I should have run for the hills, I became determined that I would some how get to the bottom of what was wrong with him and try and make the last years of his life a little more manageable. His rages are explosive and extremely abusive and during them and for a day or so after I react just as anyone else would because I am not in a clinical setting and it becomes very personal. I feel  precisely all that I said in my cathartic previous post, but because I do something about it without storing my emotions, I know that they will not cause long term lasting damage. If I could not do this I would definitely go and see a counsellor because I would need one. BPD is a wrecking ball that destroys so many peoples lives and it is so sad for everyone involved. As for dad when he is not raging he is normally quiet, or depressed and dissociated but there is another side to him that is also in the equation. He has moments of genuine kindness and is intelligent with regards to many things particularly history. Although he is not able to understand how to employ empathy he will try and show it in ways that are practical. Of course I wish things were different and Cluster B's were not part of my life, but they are. I owe dad nothing at all, he had me and took no responsibility for his actions and he never will. But if the boot was on the other foot and I was ill I guess I would want someone to try and reach out to me. If each day was a rage I could not stay it would be impossible. But there are gaps now of about six weeks before the slow build up to the next rage. They have reduced in frequency and it is simply because I do validate and listen .... but not during a rage. Finally I love the word verbal vomit when the next rage happens I am going to visualize it as such, and I have a feeling it will help. Yesterdays post helped me, and as a result today is calmer. Dad is quiet and depressed today not confrontational and is talking about the release that death will give him. I cannot change how he feels but I can be there. Thank you so much for all of your messages we may get down but we are strong with our shared experiences.