A few questions, what can I expect and why do I feel this way?

[Picklejuice]

Hi, it's been a short while since my last post and I'm finally done with her.
Quick summary:
Had a relationship for 2.5 years, recently had the fifth and final break-up.
Suicide attempts, pulling at my heart-strings, empty promises, dubious situations, jealousy, horror  and me being an enabling caretaker.
I could write a 10 page essay but I don't feel like venting and most of you had very similar experiences.

I broke up the last time because I caught her on a lie about contact with another guy.
I knew I had to let it slip or face punishment for daring to accuse her of telling a lie, so I doubled down and told her I needed equality or I had to go.
Initially we had a good talk, she understood I had to go, we hugged, cried and that would have been it.
Made the mistake of not going NC right away and we texted the next day, I told her I'd be silent starting tomorrow and suddenly she acted like it was a surprise that I was 'dumping' her.
I didn't react like I should have, I exploded because she acted like I was abandoning her for nothing while she made it impossible for me to stay.

Now, a few questions:
I feel very little this time, I don't panic, I might cry for a minute a day, I might be angry for 15 minutes, but I feel very little and that worries me a bit.
Last break-ups I felt incredibly bad and she pulled some sadistic stunts, so is it possible I feel so little as a self-defense mechanism?
Are my fuses blown?

I made it very very very clear that its over and for the first time I got a message that she wont contact me ever again, the last few times it was begging/pleading/raging.
Of course I highly doubt her message, but I might have 'crossed the line' by trying to hold her accountable for her actions.
Got a new number and mail address so the NC should go smoothly.
How big is the chance that this is it, no false accusations, no revenge, no (noticeable) smearing or anything?

What can I expect?
What was your experience?

[Schlaff]

I wish there was an easy answer that just puts a bow on all of it. Unfortunately, there really isn't one. Even the things that, looking back, were concise and perfect answers to those questions, they kinda only fully take meaning *after* you have gone through the whole deal, if that makes sense. Another way to word it is, things we can say or point you to as advice, it might make sense. It might be something you already know on some level.

I would just recommend continuing to 'check-in' on yourself, if that means journaling, therapy, browsing the resources here, whatever. Make sure you keep on it. Don't let your guard down if NC goes well for a short while.

As for what to expect? Hard to say, really. Your ex might find a new mark, and you might get and stay discarded. Or, might try and approach you every few months forever.

I'd plan for them attempting contact.

[Pook075]

What can I expect?
What was your experience?

Hey Picklejuice.  I'm very sorry that you're going through this and unfortunately, people suffering from BPD can be unpredictable.  If you're asking what to expect from your ex, there's a pretty good chance that she'll reach out sometime in the future.  It could be next week or three years from now though, there's no telling.

With my experience, my wife of 24 years left suddenly- no conversations, no chance for reconciliation.  She just quit.  And while we've talked some over the past 15 months, she's steadfast in her beliefs that she'd never come back no matter what.  It destroyed me at first because it came out of nowhere, but over time I could see the bigger picture and largely forgive her.  I realize that she wasn't happy internally and hid everything from the outside world, and she probably suffered our entire marriage since she could never forgive anything and kept a tally of ways I have failed her.  Over 24 years, I'm sure it was quite the list.

I've realized that I was a good husband, didn't do any one particular thing wrong, and I was miserable for years putting up with her always on the run and never invested in the marriage.  I walked on eggshells over absolutely everything as well and it enabled her behavior.  That was partially my fault because I had no idea what was going on, but at the end of the day nobody could have predicted the way that the marriage imploded out of nowhere.

Now, for what you can expect- for the first few days after my wife left, I think I was numb from it all and really not feeling anything.  Those feelings will change...a lot...and that's perfectly normal.  If you're mad, then be mad.  If you want to cry, there's nothing wrong with that.  Just let those emotions out and try to realize what we all eventually realize, there are patterns in these relationships that are beyond our control.  This is not your fault.

The other question you had, did you react appropriately when breaking up with her (for the 2nd time in two days); probably not.  Also, there's no rule saying that you have to go No Contact immediately.  I would advise you to do what's best for you since that's also what she's doing.  You can forgive her and try again or walk away completely- it's 100% your call and you'll probably change your mind a dozen times in the next few weeks.  Again, that's all pretty normal. 

Going NC does sort of "rip the band-aid off" all at once and it might be the easier path towards healing, if you're positive that you're walking away for good.  If this was very recently though, then I'd advise you to give this a little more time to make sure that's what you want.  Just let us know if there's any other questions we can answer since we're all here to support you through this difficult time.

[Picklejuice]

Thanks for your answers.

@Schlaff
Yeah, I'll have to trust the process and just see what happens.
I can't help looking for answers, but as you said it's not so much about the information itself as it is about where I am in the process.
There are no shortcuts I guess.
Already doing therapy and I read a lot.

@Pook075
I'm starting to feel, I'm not yet allowing it all.
I know it's silly and/or petty, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of my pain, she hurt me too much to cry for her.
Even if she doesn't see it or know it, it feels wrong.
I don't know how to express anger, so that's something I need to work on.
I'm softening and starting to see the bigger picture.
In my situation NC is the best option and I'm very sure that I'm done with it.
Last time was brutal, she begged me to come back whilst trying to hurt me as much as she could.
Only after 3 months of her neglecting herself whilst still suicidal I came back in her life.
So I know I have to close the door and look away, best for us both.

[tina7868]

Hi Picklejuice! I`m sorry about the circumstances that brought you to this forum, but welcome you amongst the community.

What can I expect?
What was your experience?

When I was in a similar place, wondering if the line had finally been crossed after multiple cycles of on and off contact with my ex, I also wanted to know what I could expect from his end in the future. It`s a normal thing to wonder! As has been mentioned, it`s likely they will at some point, but it`s hard to say when. For me, it was difficult to come to terms with this, and it seemed very important to plan around this possibility. I didn`t like the word `likely`, I wanted concrete odds and numbers  .

Today, this aspect is less important to me. I have learned that there is so much that is within my control, to focus on that, and to accept the unpredictable nature of everything else.

It`s okay to be wherever you are in the process. It`s okay to oscillate between different phases as well, before ultimately settling on a peaceful state that works for you, which will also look different for each person. Time will numb the pain, but the struggle to gain insight is what, I think, ultimately allows you to grow. Reading your post, it`s clear that you are well on your way towards doing that.

[Picklejuice]

@tina7868
Haha, exactly, I want numbers!
I want predictability because I want to let my guard down, it's exhausting.

I'm glad you think I'm well on my way, I hope I find some peace with it very soon.

[Pook075]

@Pook075
I'm starting to feel, I'm not yet allowing it all.
I know it's silly and/or petty, but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of my pain, she hurt me too much to cry for her.
Even if she doesn't see it or know it, it feels wrong.
I don't know how to express anger, so that's something I need to work on.
I'm softening and starting to see the bigger picture.
In my situation NC is the best option and I'm very sure that I'm done with it.
Last time was brutal, she begged me to come back whilst trying to hurt me as much as she could.
Only after 3 months of her neglecting herself whilst still suicidal I came back in her life.
So I know I have to close the door and look away, best for us both.

We've all been in similar situations; not the same, but very similar.  And your emotions will run the gamut of highs and lows as you realize new things about yourself and your moral compass.  It's all normal and it is okay to feel....(fill in the blank).  Each of us processes this differently and there's no correct answer. 

One thing I would say, however, is that you have to be authentic to yourself and let that pain go by any means necessary.  It's not healthy to hold it in and if you do, it will only spill over into future relationships with friends, family, and partners.  You don't deserve that and neither do they, so don't think that getting angry or sad is giving her power.  It's quite the opposite...she hurt you and now you're healing.  The healing lets you let go and see things from a different perspective. 

Time is now on your side in this matter, so don't try to rush anything or second-guess.  You did what you could and it ultimately failed.  That's okay, because this is not your fault and in some ways, it's not hers either.  Mental illness is at fault and you can't find the reason behind it.

I hope that helps!