Is this an enmeshment attempt? On a lighter note…

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So this community offered me a lifeline, a a very critical point in my life. I was in debilitating emotional distress a year ago, my life was falling apart, with zero to no social support.

I am currently on the mend, although I still feel fragile on most days. I manage my vulnerability by isolating myself mostly or engaging in activities in my professional space.

I left my country and family of origin over 12 years ago, but still remained in contact with my FOO as I was the designated responsible sibling and scapegoat for my family of 10, ie 8 children, all adults now.

My younger sibling:

One of my siblings move to the same country where I have lived for over 12 years, a few months ago. I was in contact with this sibling before he left my country of origin but mainly by texts. He’s married and has emigrated with his wife, he is her dependant as per immigration visa etc.
Just before he arrived here, I sent him a text that communication with me was going to be via emails only. I did this to protect myself, knowing the amount of stress and manipulation that my FOO could transfer to me as a result of his emigration. They will expect that I care for him and his wife both emotionally and financially even though I am struggling myself as a single parent.


So long story short, I kept my distance and created a solid boundary before he arrived and went further to change my mobile number- for this and other reasons related to my ex husband.
Recently my sibling sent me a short email on  my son’s birthday, ignoring this particular date, by not sending him a birthday greeting- I’m not offended by this at all, but I take note that this is similar to my bpd/npd parents’ behaviour. So I delayed responding to the email. A few days later my sibling sent a lengthy email explaining how he had hoped to get closer to me by moving to thesame country and that I have not given him a chance to help me. That I am now very distant, that I had given him an email address that I don’t use and deactivated my phone number. I responded to him by not JADEing. In stead I SET by stating that I appreciate the difficult situation they are in and that I don’t interfere with their settling in a new country. I reinforced my boundary stating communication will remain via email only.

Now if you have read to this point, you may think I’m being unreasonable, refusing an opportunity to be closer to my sibling, and refusing help.

When he arrived in this country he chose to stay with his friend until he secured accommodation and he said although he was looking forward to meeting my children he will be very busy getting settled.

On my part no offence taken, I wished them well , I wouldn’t have wanted him and his wife to stay temporarily in my home anyway. I let them be, because I had given them as much advice as per jobs here and accommodation and didn’t feel I needed to do anything else to help them out.

He arrived here and didn’t even care to say thank you for any advice I had offered, no offence taken but it’s noted.

My codependent self in the past would have jumped at the opportunity to take on their problems as I’m a ‘professional problem solver’. That’s how I learned to love by giving myself away cheaply, and in return I got burned, scorned, bullied into giving more.

I see this as an attempt at enmeshment because :

1) there’s the future taking- fake promise of him wanting to supporting me, he cannot support me in any way as he will be working very hard to meet the financial demands of the program his wife is on , in addition to the high cost of living here. He’s also new to the country and it will take atleast 2 years for him to find his footing. On the other hand I am in a more stable financial position, with decent career prospects as a citizen of this country.

2) He ignored my boundary of email only.

3) the tone of his email sounded like it was written by bpd/npd combo parents- he tried to reinstate the FOG .


So my questions are:

Is this an enmeshment attempt? Just seeking validation I guess,

Is there a way to safely soften my boundaries? I personally cannot imagine a way to do this, my FOO are high functioning and equally toxic persons. There’s high penetrance of bpd/ NPD amongst my siblings.

Is there anything else I should be doing to protect myself?

Thank you, if you have read this far.

[Tangled mangled]

So this community offered me a lifeline, a a very critical point in my life. I was in debilitating emotional distress a year ago, my life was falling apart, with zero to no social support.

I am currently on the mend, although I still feel fragile on most days. I manage my vulnerability by isolating myself mostly or engaging in activities in my professional space.

I left my country and family of origin over 12 years ago, but still remained in contact with my FOO as I was the designated responsible sibling and scapegoat for my family of 10, ie 8 children, all adults now.

My younger sibling:

One of my siblings move to the same country where I have lived for over 12 years, a few months ago. I was in contact with this sibling before he left my country of origin but mainly by texts. He’s married and has emigrated with his wife, he is her dependant as per immigration visa etc.
Just before he arrived here, I sent him a text that communication with me was going to be via emails only. I did this to protect myself, knowing the amount of stress and manipulation that my FOO could transfer to me as a result of his emigration. They will expect that I care for him and his wife both emotionally and financially even though I am struggling myself as a single parent.


So long story short, I kept my distance and created a solid boundary before he arrived and went further to change my mobile number- for this and other reasons related to my ex husband.
Recently my sibling sent me a short email on  my son’s birthday, ignoring this particular date, by not sending him a birthday greeting- I’m not offended by this at all, but I take note that this is similar to my bpd/npd parents’ behaviour. So I delayed responding to the email. A few days later my sibling sent a lengthy email explaining how he had hoped to get closer to me by moving to thesame country and that I have not given him a chance to help me. That I am now very distant, that I had given him an email address that I don’t use and deactivated my phone number. I responded to him by not JADEing. In stead I SET by stating that I appreciate the difficult situation they are in and that I don’t interfere with their settling in a new country. I reinforced my boundary stating communication will remain via email only.

Now if you have read to this point, you may think I’m being unreasonable, refusing an opportunity to be closer to my sibling, and refusing help.

When he arrived in this country he chose to stay with his friend until he secured accommodation and he said although he was looking forward to meeting my children he will be very busy getting settled.

On my part no offence taken, I wished them well , I wouldn’t have wanted him and his wife to stay temporarily in my home anyway. I let them be, because I had given them as much advice as per jobs here and accommodation and didn’t feel I needed to do anything else to help them out.

He arrived here and didn’t even care to say thank you for any advice I had offered, no offence taken but it’s noted.

My codependent self in the past would have jumped at the opportunity to take on their problems as I’m a ‘professional problem solver’. That’s how I learned to love by giving myself away cheaply, and in return I got burned, scorned, bullied into giving more.

I see this as an attempt at enmeshment because :

1) there’s the future taking- fake promise of him wanting to supporting me, he cannot support me in any way as he will be working very hard to meet the financial demands of the program his wife is on , in addition to the high cost of living here. He’s also new to the country and it will take atleast 2 years for him to find his footing. On the other hand I am in a more stable financial position, with decent career prospects as a citizen of this country.

2) He ignored my boundary of email only.

3) the tone of his email sounded like it was written by bpd/npd combo parents- he tried to reinstate the FOG .


So my questions are:

Is this an enmeshment attempt? Just seeking validation I guess,

Is there a way to safely soften my boundaries? I personally cannot imagine a way to do this, my FOO are high functioning and equally toxic persons. There’s high penetrance of bpd/ NPD amongst my siblings.

Is there anything else I should be doing to protect myself?

Thank you, if you have read this far.

[Methuen]

From what you have posted, the part I see concerning is this:

A few days later my sibling sent a lengthy email explaining how he had hoped to get closer to me by moving to thesame country and that I have not given him a chance to help me.

I would hope they have many other reasons to immigrate to a new country other than to get closer to you.

That’s just not even logical.  It feels/sounds potentially needy.

Stay in your lane.  It was likely a good idea to set the boundary from the beginning.  It seems like a very strange reason to leave country and friends and job and familiarity and security behind.

So he’s landed in a new country, and he’s going to help you? 

Sounds a bit off…

[Tangled mangled]

@Methuen,
Thank you.

He said it was one of the reasons for emigrating, but it  still sounds off.

I had a good chuckle when I read his email. But the typical me was questioning why I found this funny, starting to question my ‘lack of empathy’.

I think my sibling's incapable of reflecting. He is so entitled that he can’t imagine that I see through the BS. In the past, this trick had worked on me, when they(FOO) presented themselves as caring siblings, concerned for my welfare only to turn around and be needy. It was as if I had to give and give to reward them for their fake concern for my welfare.
One problem I see with this behaviour is that , if he needs help, any healthy 30 something year old would ask for help directly. But in my FOO, they never ask for help but try to get help by manipulation.