trying to keep my relationship together

[Merriam]

Are any of you living apart but trying to keep your relationship together? I'm trying to leave my ubpd boyfriend of 2 decades but it seems impossible. I love him so much, but I'm really struggling. This week we started fighting and I escaped to my parents house for a few days, but the time is coming when I will have to go home to try to explain that I feel like I need to move out. I know I will go back. I feel so weak that I always break down and go back. FOG plays a huge part in this. I just wish he were nice to me. I cling to the past memories of when he was.

For as long as I can remember he's been waking up angry. He controls me with his sleep. Always waking up super upset or taking naps in the middle of the day on the living room couch so that I'm forced to tip toe around him trying to avoid a rage. Its where I first started using the term "walking on eggshells". Even during my sleep he controlled me. I felt him sucking my energy. You can imagine when I found the book (on his mother's bookshelf) that I couldn't believe it, it was exactly what I was going through. Its true, very rarely does anyone outside the family know this other side of the bpd. I felt such validation. We started sleeping in separate rooms. Finally I could recharge. It hasn't made it any easier to leave the relationship though.  

For a long time I thought I was the one that just wasn't smart enough to figure out our problems. I couldn't even put in words what he was doing to me. Why our conversations always turned into arguments. He talked me in circles. I was always the one that would give up on the fight or cave to the seemly pointless rages and endless monologues. It wasn't until a couple years ago when he repeatedly kept saying things like "quit playing games" and "you don't care" that I literally Googled "what does it mean when your boyfriend keeps telling you that you don't care?" I was so lost. I am lost still.

My parents want me to move home. Quit my job, co-parent the dogs, spend my savings if I need to and make it easy on myself. Sometimes I am able to twist it in my head so that it seems like an adventure. Even better if he agreed to trying it this way. It sounds so horrible to say but I feel happy when I think about living by myself. I like to believe that it would force him to be more intentional with our relationship or at the very least force him to take responsibility for his own happiness. I'm tired of being blamed for everything that he does...or doesn't do.

I hope connecting with people here will give me the strength that I need to take better care of myself and find a way to have a relationship that is caring and supportive for both of us.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chains Candor]

I'm sorry you are going through that.
I hear you.
There is no path for you it seems.
Acceptance is hard.

Please look up the 4 stages of a bpd relationship.

[SaltyDawg]

Merriam,

   You are posting on the bettering board where the goal is to stay with your pwBPD (person with BPD); however, what you have described sounds like you are more conflicted about separating / leaving him.  If this is the case you might get a better response if you post over there.

   With regards to the stages, Chains Candor made reference to, of a BPD relationship you can look at this article:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

   Even though I have not yet separated from my pwBPD, I too am tempted like you, and do fantasize about a day where I am not with them.  If you don't have an individual therapist, you might want to get one to talk about this with them.  Find one that specializes in BPD or high conflict relationships so you can understand the dynamics.

   It sounds like you are very frustrated; however, it sounds like your parents are very supportive of you.  Be mindful that your boyfriend will not change unless he wants to.  You can persuade him a little bit; however, it is mostly on him to change.  However, you can change what you do.

   You may want to ask your parents to buy you the following books for you (or buy them so he isn't aware of them):

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by by Paul T. T. Mason MS & Randi Kreger (3rd Edition) - it sounds like you may have already read this book, if it is an older edition, get the 3rd edition as it has an excellent assessment tool in it.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad - this one has some excellent tools in managing a pwBPD

   All of this can and is most likely emotionally draining for you.  Be sure to do self-care whatever that might look like for you.  For me it is therapy, exercise outdoors, hot showers/baths, getting lost in a good book/tv show-series/movie.

   Read, ask questions, we are here for you.

   Take care, with self-care.

SD