In extreme emotional pain over false accusations

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  I in extreme emotional pain from my daughter's latest insanity. My elderly mom has a BPD diagnosis and we've spent time dragging her to ER's and trying to persuade her to get help after suicide attempts.  My youngest daughter, now 18, has struggled with anxiety and depression since she was fairly young but turn a frightening turn for the worse after a sexual assault by a peer in 2021.  Almost immediately (before I know what had happened) starting coming home drunk, engaging in high risk sexual behaviors and smoking a lot of marijuana. Over her objections, I drug her to therapy for about a year.  Around this time, my daughter started having auditory hallucinations and what I now know are "delusions of persecution".  The therapist recommended a psychiatric eval and we tried 2 options but my daughter would not cooperate with either and refused to see then again.  Their working diagnosis was bipolar (in my family too) with cannabis-induced psychosis.  One day, I attended therapy with my daughter and after that session, therapist called me SHOCKED at the way my daughter spoke to me and conducted herself and agreed that she may be BPD and is just practicing her lies (tales of being a victim) to the therapist.  She gently tried to broach her observations with my daughter. Therapist called me and said she thought I was wasting my time and money because my daughter now refused to talk to her. Fast forward through about 2 years of mood swings that have her sobbing in her room all day interspersed with periods of grandiosity and extreme immaturity. She cuts, has dozens of home made tattoos, is totally isolated after sequentially finding fault and perceived betrayal from every friend she's ever had, including her BF since kindergarten who she accuses of psychically stalking her with black magic. My husband and I started attending therapy years ago and were finally starting to set some boundaries with her.  A few days before thanksgiving, after she refused to get out of the shower for 90 minutes, a heated argument ensued and my husband (who is usually the epitome of calm) told her to get out of the house.  Three days later, she went to my sister and told her that my husband has been sexually abusing her all her life, which is why she is depressed and that I witnessed it and did nothing. Some of the accusations are so absurd and the story keeps getting more fantastical each day. Somehow I convinced her to go to the ER and pushed hard for a psych eval.  If you know about BPD and about our useless mental health system, it will not surprise you that they believed her and treated me like the enemy.  I brought in a recent journal entry I found in her room as a last ditch effort but, after a brief temporary hold, the psychiatrist came in, did his obligatory eval for SI or self harm then let her go. She frantically called family members (no friends left) and none agreed to let her stay and begged her to get help.  Some offered a garage or camper so she would be safe but unless they pass her litmus test of agreeing that we molested her, she will not speak with them. This has destroyed our family, friends who have known us and loved us and our kids since they were babies. We found out my daughter is calling her sister and even old friends, asking if her dad molested them and if they say no, she verbally assaults them and cuts them off forever. My other daughter is heartbroken. Finally, we found out from my nephew that she posted these accusations on a public instagram post soliciting a place to stay from strangers. My fear for her safety is making me and my husband physically ill and we had to change the locks on our doors so she doesn't show up with some random pervert or thief.  Still wanting to support possible recovery, I rented her a storage unit and put her stuff in there., my friend gave her the key.  I am keeping her phone on as a life line to help and sent her a copy of the insurance card and a list of mental health resources. We are grief-stricken because it feels like my real daughter has died.  This is the worst possible thing should could have done to cut off any hope of getting help from us because we now have to protect ourselves from her. I spend all day and night trying to figure out some way to make her or the legal or mental health system see what is happening. I am afraid that none of us will be able to move past this or be happy again.  

[2much4me]

  I in extreme emotional pain from my daughter's latest insanity. My elderly mom has a BPD diagnosis and we've spent time dragging her to ER's and trying to persuade her to get help after suicide attempts.  My youngest daughter, now 18, has struggled with anxiety and depression since she was fairly young but turn a frightening turn for the worse after a sexual assault by a peer in 2021.  Almost immediately (before I know what had happened) starting coming home drunk, engaging in high risk sexual behaviors and smoking a lot of marijuana. Over her objections, I drug her to therapy for about a year.  Around this time, my daughter started having auditory hallucinations and what I now know are "delusions of persecution".  The therapist recommended a psychiatric eval and we tried 2 options but my daughter would not cooperate with either and refused to see then again.  Their working diagnosis was bipolar (in my family too) with cannabis-induced psychosis.  One day, I attended therapy with my daughter and after that session, therapist called me SHOCKED at the way my daughter spoke to me and conducted herself and agreed that she may be BPD and is just practicing her lies (tales of being a victim) to the therapist.  She gently tried to broach her observations with my daughter. Therapist called me and said she thought I was wasting my time and money because my daughter now refused to talk to her. Fast forward through about 2 years of mood swings that have her sobbing in her room all day interspersed with periods of grandiosity and extreme immaturity. She cuts, has dozens of home made tattoos, is totally isolated after sequentially finding fault and perceived betrayal from every friend she's ever had, including her BF since kindergarten who she accuses of psychically stalking her with black magic. My husband and I started attending therapy years ago and were finally starting to set some boundaries with her.  A few days before thanksgiving, after she refused to get out of the shower for 90 minutes, a heated argument ensued and my husband (who is usually the epitome of calm) told her to get out of the house.  Three days later, she went to my sister and told her that my husband has been sexually abusing her all her life, which is why she is depressed and that I witnessed it and did nothing. Some of the accusations are so absurd and the story keeps getting more fantastical each day. Somehow I convinced her to go to the ER and pushed hard for a psych eval.  If you know about BPD and about our useless mental health system, it will not surprise you that they believed her and treated me like the enemy.  I brought in a recent journal entry I found in her room as a last ditch effort but, after a brief temporary hold, the psychiatrist came in, did his obligatory eval for SI or self harm then let her go. She frantically called family members (no friends left) and none agreed to let her stay and begged her to get help.  Some offered a garage or camper so she would be safe but unless they pass her litmus test of agreeing that we molested her, she will not speak with them. This has destroyed our family, friends who have known us and loved us and our kids since they were babies. We found out my daughter is calling her sister and even old friends, asking if her dad molested them and if they say no, she verbally assaults them and cuts them off forever. My other daughter is heartbroken. Finally, we found out from my nephew that she posted these accusations on a public instagram post soliciting a place to stay from strangers. My fear for her safety is making me and my husband physically ill and we had to change the locks on our doors so she doesn't show up with some random pervert or thief.  Still wanting to support possible recovery, I rented her a storage unit and put her stuff in there., my friend gave her the key.  I am keeping her phone on as a life line to help and sent her a copy of the insurance card and a list of mental health resources. We are grief-stricken because it feels like my real daughter has died.  This is the worst possible thing should could have done to cut off any hope of getting help from us because we now have to protect ourselves from her. I spend all day and night trying to figure out some way to make her or the legal or mental health system see what is happening. I am afraid that none of us will be able to move past this or be happy again.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hello 2Much,

You've gone through a really bad stretch, and it's no wonder you're feeling desperate.  My stepdaughter is diagnosed with BPD and shares most of your daughter's behaviors, though not as extremely.  If you think it will help, I'll share my observations with you, based on the similar experiences.

-Marijuana appeared to make overall symptoms much worse, and at the very least led to daily dysfunction.  Every effort should be made to help your daughter quit using.  When my stepdaughter reduced or quit pot, she did better.  I think the marijuana made her more "psychotic" and very scatterbrained.  I felt she could barely hold a conversation, and her vocabulary and comprehension suffered, as well as her executive function.  That adversely impacted her performance at school and work, leading to quitting and perpetuating a negative cycle.  All in the name of self-medicating and stress avoidance.  I also think that pot today is much more potent and dangerous than the pot of the 60-70s.  I've never used drugs, but I also wonder if women are more sensitive to drugs than men, if only because their bodies are smaller and hormones fluctuate more.

-My stepdaughter did experience psychotic episodes when under extreme stress.  She was very paranoid and thought others were "out to get her"--her roommates, her siblings, even hospital staff and patients.  I don't believe that she had any auditory issues, but definitely paranoia.  Having said that, in my stepdaughter's case, the psychotic episodes were few in number and limited in duration.

-My stepdaughter claims to have suffered multiple traumas.  Over the years it's become evident that she takes extensive liberties in describing her past experiences.  At first I thought she might have suffered a rape, but her story shifted, the "timeline" didn't fit, and the details of her "trauma" were very hazy, even with therapists who initially thought she might have PTSD.  Then she was "traumatized" when her mother called an ambulance (because my stepdaughter was threatening suicide and probably became violent when she didn't get what she wanted, if I believe her mother's version of events).  Subsequently my stepdaughter's claims of trauma regressed in time:  her brother assaulted her.  Her sister bullied her.  She hinted that her father sexually abused her as a young child, which is not true.  Her stories have gotten more outlandish, desperate and unbelievable as the years go on.  Though there may be a kernel of truth (an argument, a night of drinking at college, etc.), she's twisted the facts to portray herself as a victim, when in many cases she was the perpetrator!  Sometimes I think this is a feature of BPD--she fabricates her version of events, possibly to match her feelings about them, so that she's the victim and she can abdicate responsibility for her own actions.  (She never apologizes, either, which has estranged loved ones.)  Furthermore, her thinking tends to be stuck in the past, as she replays negative experiences in her mind, instead of thinking about the present or the future.  She has such stamina for this, if there were a Guinness Book of Records for holding a grudge, she'd be in it.

-Raging is a big problem for my stepdaughter.  Seemingly minor or innocuous comments can "trigger" her, according to her.  But I think the "trigger" is just an excuse, similar to the fabricated "traumas" discussed above.  She'll face a disappointment or setback in her life, or just ordinary stress like working eight hours in a single day, and she'll quit on impulse because of "anxiety."  But after quitting, she feels horrible, and she's "primed" to be "triggered."  So, for example, if you offer to get her a bottle of water, she'll say, "You're treating me like a little girl" (note the projection of her insecurities onto you), and then the next day she'll write a very nasty and threatening email or text to you, blaming you.  But really what she's raging about is the fact that she impulsively quit her job.  You might realize this weeks later when you discover she's not working anymore--probably when she asks you for money--but only if you remember the timeline of the nasty text purportedly "triggered" by the offer of a bottle of water.

-The raging is all emotion, and not logical.  I think she wants her family members to feel the extent of her own pain.  It is also a desperate cry for help.  If she's not raging, she's turning her anger inward, and that is when she is at greatest risk for suicide.  "I'm not going to last much longer . . . it's hopeless" are typical comments when she's like this.

-Going back to the topic of trauma, I think she herself wants to believe that she is traumatized and that's why she can't cope with adult life.  However, I tend to think her real issue is that she's not hitting adult milestones (graduating, holding down a job, having a boyfriend or bestie)--because that would make her responsible for her own situation.  There is a desperate clinging to victimhood status, a learned helplessness and a lack of "agency."  Add to that a heavy dose of envy (fueled by daily viewing of curated fun on social media), and she becomes depressed.  Her peers and siblings have succeeded at adulting and she has not.  In my opinion, that is her central disappointment.  But her emotional dysfunction, overly negative view of the world and impulsivity/reactivity are what prevent her from functioning like an adult.

-On the topic of therapy, my stepdaughter has undergone numerous treatments.  When she was "forced" to go, she went along, but didn't really try.  Only when she hit "rock bottom" did she admit to herself that she couldn't tolerate her current situation any longer and voluntarily accepted treatment (residential at first, then group sessions plus weekly therapist visits).  That is when treatment became more effective.  In addition, a critical turning point was when she authorized her dad (my husband) to talk directly with her therapist and hospital staff; later she allowed him to sit in on some therapy sessions.  She tried medication and then went off it, which led to a relapse of negative behaviors.  We're trying to get her back on medication to stabilize her violent mood swings, but it has been slow going because she remains resistant.  Yet there have been baby steps in the right direction.  I think she's still young enough that she can regain some semblance of adult functioning without ruining her whole life and making our lives miserable.  But I'm not sure.

-On the topic of relationships, my stepdaughter's experience parallels your daughter's.  She has lashed out at extended family, some of whom are actually afraid of her and stay away.  She lost all her friends, including ones from college and her besties from grade school and high school.  This must feel tragic for her.  It is still early days in therapy so she hasn't repaired the relationship with her mother and siblings.  She did repair the relationship with her dad (about whom she tested the molestation theory, which has been dropped, fortunately, for now).  However we've gone through several cycles of estrangement.  Having divorced parents did not help--she would move between parental households whenever she didn't get her way with one parent.  The "rock bottoms" were when she lost all relationships and had to come back to live with her dad and me, and going into therapy was a condition for her return.

I don't know if any of these observations will help you, but I do hope you realize you are not alone.  This illness is vexing and very tough on the whole family.  I feel for you.

[Sancho]

Hi2much4me
You must be completely shattered. Because BPD symptoms are on a spectrum we can overlook the fact that the 'borderline' refers to the way the individual can move in and out of psychosis. MySome move into that unreality and you experience losing the person that you knew and love. The love remains but how is it possible to interact/communicate when the other is in such unreality.

My thought is that your dd has merged the historical sexual abuse she experienced in the past in the context of her dad's anger - something that probably shocked her as you mention he is usually very calm.

My dd spreads all sorts of rumours about me - she seems to even transport herself into experiences of others that are reported in the newspapers. She is also a heavy marijuana user and I agree that it can tip BPD individuals into deeper psychosis and anger.

Keep in mind at this point in time that her claims are being rejected by others. Your dd is trying to get confirmation that what is in her head is real - but people know you and their own experience and they can't confirm.

You have put in place some good protective measures, which are really important as this is a crisis time and you can only know how it is going to go after a period of time. If the opportunity comes again with the health professionals, I would aim to get across the fact that dd was abused previously. Was this reported to police or anyone?
 
The way I try to deal with accusations is by down playing them rather than going into justification/defence etc. I make simple statements about dd's condition, such as 'Accusations are common for this condition and part of the borderline in and out of reality symptoms'.

The biggest defence you have is by staying calm, downplaying the accusations, using statements - very brief ones - that alert people to the fact that all that they see are the symptoms of this serious illness, and by holding your own dignity through all the chaos and trauma that surrounds you.

You didn't Cause this, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it.

This is one of my go-to mantras, breathing in and out. Take some time however brief to regroup with yourself, your needs, your relationships.

Thinking of you and your family . . . .

[beatricex]

this is very troubling 2muchforme

I agree with the changing the locks and cutting off physical contact.  Since the lies are so disturbing to you, is there anyway to stop looking at her socials?

I guess our person's with BPD are all on a spectrum and those here are also on a spectrum.  Some of us quit trying (there is no life line for our BPD to our phone), and some of us still hold out some sort of hope.  Or at least the guilt is keeping us tied to our person.

I relate to some of the stories shared but realize my step daughter is probably high functioning (and is only sBPD, not diagnosed).  She is also a mother.  I think the milestone she fails to meet is she has the great husband, house and 2 kids, but is still unhappy.  We know about lies being spread about us, but don't know details (our choice), so I'm really not even sure how bad they are.

I think because we were just able to disconnect early.  It helped she went NC with us.

I wish you peace and please know you're a good person and so is your husband.