How do I get away/disentangle my mother from me finally and for good?

[Lilbug2024]

Hello,
This is my first time & being brief is difficult and I’ll try but I apologize in advance for any excessive or unnecessary info. Maybe someone understands the need to explain, which maybe over explaining here as I often feel like no one knows. I am about to be 42, and I have found myself in this very difficult position AGAIN & it’s very hard to get out of. While I have issues of my own (alcohol abuse & eating disordered behavior- I have been treated for both & currently go to a therapist as well as SMART Recovery), but i have known for years since my abnormal psych class that my mother is VERY BPD. A few years ago I had a freak accident & am still working w a lawyer on my disability case. But since my accident, my parents have taken over my bills (my father not only enables but contributes & exacerbates her BPD behaviors) & uses it to violate all boundaries, privacy and any independence in what I consider very sick ways. I have been increasingly isolated after the accident & my mother seems to be making sure isolated from everything but my parents/her as much as possible. For instance, I was donating plasma so at least if I needed toothpaste or something I could get it myself. She decided she didn’t want me to do that so called Biolife & told them I had fatty liver & PTSD. So they wanted a signed note from my doc saying I don’t have those. & even if he was willing to sign off that I don’t have fatty liver, bc he knows about my alc issues & my diagnosed PTSD, no doc is going to give themselves extra liability & I don’t think ptsd just comes off your record, so now (I do have SNAP at least), but still  I have to ask her for shampoo and things. So now more socially isolated & financially desperate. & I tried online dating since I’m socially very isolated, & having my phone bill she started background checking phone numbers that I was talking to, & went ballistic when she found out that a guy was at my house & started blowing up his phone & screaming at him to leave my house. I guess he thought I GAVE her the # & was allowing this bc I was banned from not only that site but seemingly ALL the sites (at least the free ones). So more isolated still.
She even had me arrested a year and a half ago. I broke up w my bf & had nowhere to go (don’t know barely anyone in AZ) & I couldn’t go to a shelter bc of my dog, storage. So thought I would stay there & get out fast as possible. She cut off my phone so I had no #s/way of calling anyone. She moved my car to a far away unknown location (it’s mine & paid for but she knows I couldn’t report it) so couldn’t leave, couldn’t lock her out & obviously could not agree to disagree or talk later. So then she snatched my purse & when I tried to get it back she called the cops & they gave me a DV charge (even tho there was no violence although I had scratches - on my BACK), “disturbing the peace”- or hers falls under Domestic Violence. & even tho I wasn’t drinking, since we’ve had an issue before, much like this & I DO have a history of alc & she does NOT drink, they concluded I’m automatically at fault & now that’s on my record.
She calls me 3-5 times a day (to order me to take her vitamins & any other thing EVERY morning), she comes over almost every other day. She was coming over & moving my car around the parking lot which doesn’t make sense. Even if she actually thought I was going to drink & drive or go get alcohol, if I was going to make that mistake I’d just have to walk around my parking lot or if I wanted a drink just walk across the street. So just a power show. I can’t not answer her calls. She has come over & walked in while I had someone over that I had been dating casually for some time (at least he KNEW about her before). People tell me I have to set boundaries, but HOW? I have at least another 6 months til HOPEFULLY the disability comes thru which could boost me out.
I have a new counselor now (I’ve lost previous ones- the last one she called & says I know you can’t TELL me anything but just listen… blah ridiculous & then pretty much taints that relationship. One before bc she REFUSED to let her do that around HIPPA & since my insurance didn’t pay that one I couldn’t see her. She has followed me before, literally stalking me.
So as I said I’m about to be 42 & very depressed that I can’t seem to get out & STAY away. & also SUPER embarrassing, especially bc people even SAY “how old are you”? like I am not doing anything or not trying & just WANT them to pay for things & do this.
I still struggle w alcohol & trying not to kick mySELF, but I fall into despair sometimes especially when steps I take to get away seem to get cut off & then there is the twisted thought that comes where I think if this is the ONLY decision I can make, I want to MAKE it. I need to CONTINUE to choose NOT to make the decision NOT to, but the HILL seems so long & steep!

That actually WAS the briefest version I can & sorry y’all!
Anybody been there/have any ideas that do/DID work?
Thank you!

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear you having to go through all this, there appears to be a lot for you to manage all at once, which must be overwhelming. Maybe breaking this down into to smaller steps might help ? What one thing would make the biggest difference to you ?

I do appreciate you want a quick fix here, but that’s unlikely with someone with BPD. My therapist advised "No contact" (lot of threads about that on here) which allowed me to recover from my BPD constant bombardment, which in turn helped me to cope with setting boundaries. I am now the only family member in contact with her - so it worked. But her behaviour hasn't changed, just the way I deal with it. I'm sure you'll get there too.

btw I'm not on here regularly, but noticed you'd been waiting a while for a response. If you break your issue into small questions, I'm sure others will jump in and support.

[TelHill]

  Welcome to the group lilibug,

I agree with HappyChappy about dividing what you need/would like into small tasks which are easier to wrap your head around during difficult times. I've done this myself many times.

It sounds like you need your dad be involved with your life right now and that gives bpd mom a way into your life. As a suggestion, don't tell dad or her what you're doing. Like many bpd moms (mine included - i'm her adult daughter), they thrive on using information to abuse or embarrass someone. Or make something up if they insist on knowing. This is a boundary I set with my mom and in denial dad. Setting this boundary and sticking with it really helped me get on with my own life.

[TelHill]

As a suggestion, don't tell dad or her what you're doing. Like many bpd moms (mine included - i'm her adult daughter), they thrive on using information to abuse or embarrass someone. Or make something up if they insist on knowing.

I wanted to add that BPD moms may not see this as being harmful or are not aware of the stress they cause to others.  You can't change her behavior but, again, you can set firm boundaries to protect yourself now. Wishing you the best!