Should I send my abused stepmom living with BPD dad a message for her birthday?

[Sappho11]

So my father, with whom I reconnected after 30 years, has now cut contact with me after only a few month. He is currently having severe marital problems with his wife, a truly wonderful woman, who has children and grandchildren of her own from a previous marriage. She has recently spoken of divorce in the face of my father's worsening hostilities towards her and her family, and my appeals to him to take this seriously have been a factor in him cutting contact with me.

Today is her birthday. That woman has been the opposite of an "evil stepmother", in fact she has been nothing but lovely to me from the start: being incredibly generous, warm and accepting despite my intrusion into an established family order. She grew up without a father herself and has shown me great compassion.

I would so love to send her a message wishing her a good new year, that she's an admirable woman, and that she deserves to be surrounded by happy people who love, respect and appreciate her. That she's in the right and that she should trust her intuition. (My father, scared to the death of her leaving him, has been trying to suggest to her she's crazy, even dragging her to the doctor who described antidepressants; I think she is crumbling under his persistent manipulations and emotional abuse.)

However, I don't know what the situation at home is at all. I have never had an established communication channel open with her, only her phone number. This is my biggest regret: I so, so wish I had exchanged numbers and social media contacts with her, her daughter and son-in-law (all lovely, healthy, sane people) the day I met them. At the time, I thought it wouldn't be necessary to rush, that we'd all meet again soon. How wrong I was.

Knowing my father, he's probably made up some kind of horror story about me, the way he did about his other estranged daughter. So I don't know if my message, however kind, however received, might end up ruining that lovely woman's day in one of a million ways. I also fear my father might hear about it and lash out at her.

What do I do?

[SaltyDawg]

Sappho,

   I've been following your story.

   I am going to ask you a question, no need to answer publicly...

   Do you want to have a relationship with your stepmom?  Unlike the Disney stories, she is not the wicked one:p

   If the answer is 'no', then don't send her a message.

   If the answer is 'yes', then create a brief heartfelt message to her wishing her a happy birthday.  Alternatively, create an e-card, and then send her the link to the e-card.

   Before you press 'send' be mindful of possible repercussions based on the viterol that your newly found father has done should he find out that you sent her a message on her birthday - he may likely see you as a threat with the relationship with his wife.  Is this a risk (for you) worth taking?  You don't know what her homelife looks like; however, based on your experience with your father, you can take an educated guess that she might be a bit isolated (you know the situation best) and she would likely welcome such a message much more than you may realize.  Weigh the pros and cons of pressing 'send' with wise-mind.

   You know how to handle your father's dysregulation, so don't let that put Fear in you not to send a message to her.  Do what your gut tells you that your step mother would appreciate, and most importantly what you want in your heart.  You are a self-sufficient grown woman who has managed without him, don't let your father's dysregulation continue to control you.

   Take care with self-care.

SD

[Methuen]

Hi Sappho.  It sounds like this is causing you distress because you feel so badly for her since you understand what is going on with your father so well.  It almost seems like you have put yourself in her situation, and are suffering with her?

Sometimes it’s helpful in these situations to remind ourselves (or someone reminds us) that these are adults and this is their problem which they will solve in their own way and time.  You don’t have to be responsible for all that suffering.

Reading between the lines it kinda sounds like you only met her once?  Is this right?  At any rate, don’t beat yourself up about not getting her #.  It sounds like you are shouldering a lot of responsibility here and blaming yourself.  That won’t be helpful to her or you. 

It also sounds lke she has a lovely family of her own.  She will likely draw on them for support. 

Beyond that, I like what SD wrote and won’t repeat.

Take care

[Sappho11]

Thank you, SaltyDawg and Methuen. It's true, I've been thinking about this for weeks and it's been weighing on my mind.

SaltyDawg, I like your suggestion of not letting my father's dysfunction control me any longer. This notion gave me the courage to send the message.

Methuen, you are right, I do feel badly for her. I guess now that I have found a relative after years of having none, I can't stand the fact that this relative inflicts pain on others, and I feel vicariously guilty. This is probably something to unpack in a long (private) journalling session. You are right, she has supportive family around her (she already fled to her older daughter once, who's a really solid, good person too), so I hope she will be fine. The thing that worries me is that you never know how BPDs will react when they're about to be left. She's a good woman, I hope she'll keep herself safe.

I ended up sending her a birthday message that can in no way be construed to cause drama (I hope). Coming up with the phrasing was a challenge, it's like smuggling in secret messages during the Résistance. I can cite it here because the original language isn't English:

"Dear [Name], I wish you a very happy birthday. I hope you'll have a joyous and peaceful new year surrounded by good people who love you, respect you and cherish you. You are an admirable woman: full of life, warm-hearted, elegant, self-possessed yet empathic towards others. All the best, and a big hug. [name]
PS. Greetings to [her daughter and son-in-law] too."

I'm hoping this conveys that she's not the crazy one, and that she and her family are right. Also, if she happens to read it in front of my father for some reason, there is very little he can rage at without exposing his own dysfunction.

[Sappho11]

I've also blocked my father's email address for the time being. Whatever rage he has to direct towards me, I'm not interested.

[SaltyDawg]

I ended up sending her a birthday message that can in no way be construed to cause drama (I hope). Coming up with the phrasing was a challenge, it's like smuggling in secret messages during the Résistance. I can cite it here because the original language isn't English:

"Dear [Name], I wish you a very happy birthday. I hope you'll have a joyous and peaceful new year surrounded by good people who love you, respect you and cherish you. You are an admirable woman: full of life, warm-hearted, elegant, self-possessed yet empathic towards others. All the best, and a big hug. [name]
PS. Greetings to [her daughter and son-in-law] too."

I'm hoping this conveys that she's not the crazy one, and that she and her family are right. Also, if she happens to read it in front of my father for some reason, there is very little he can rage at without exposing his own dysfunction.

You're welcome.

I think your message is heartfelt, and your 'reading between the lines message' is a good one and well thought out.

Enjoy your holidays as well.  Take care.

[TelHill]

I'd throw this out because it has been my experience with contacting one kind relative among the many who suffer from emotional and personality issues. The slander spread my the disordered relative(s) is too much for me to deal with.

I live in the same area as my relatives.  Am sure that has something to do with it.

I understand the deep down desire to reach out. I still feel it myself.

 I hope you make the decision that works for you!

[TelHill]

*I am throwing this out...

Sorry Sappho. My grammar is usually better than this!! 

[Sappho11]

I'd throw this out because it has been my experience with contacting one kind relative among the many who suffer from emotional and personality issues. The slander spread my the disordered relative(s) is too much for me to deal with.

I live in the same area as my relatives.  Am sure that has something to do with it.

I understand the deep down desire to reach out. I still feel it myself.

 I hope you make the decision that works for you!

Thank you for your input, TelHill. I am sorry you have to deal with smear campaigns by multiple disordered relatives. One is already a nightmare, I can't imagine what several are like.

[Sappho11]

Stepmom replied!!

"Thank you for your sweet message, one year more! I'll switch the order of numbers, that will be better! Kisses"

She surely has a sense of humour – as far as I thought, she turned 77 today. (My father told me she was 76 when we reconnected... I wonder if he deliberately made her one year older, or whether he cared so little he really didn't know?)

I'm glad she seems to be well. Thank you all for the encouragement.

[Tangled mangled]

Glad to hear she replied and that she’s doing well.


My ex husband said in court documents that both of us are in our early 40s ! While he’s recently turned 40 I’m not yet 40. I guess pwbpd have disordered birth certificates to go with every person they relate with. Their disorder dictates how they see you, and may be a child but the bpd decides that that you should be their parent-justifying changing your age.

[SaltyDawg]

It warms my heart that you got a nice message back.

Take care with self-care.