Will BPD info wake him up?

[Strugglebusrider]

My question is the last paragraph, so if you would rather just answer that you can skip the details. I appreciate every single one of you, and you help me not feel so incredibly alone.
His raging is out of control, and the only thing keeping him from putting his hands on me is the time he has already spent in jail. He knows he will go away for a long time with a third domestic violence charge.
In my desperate attempt at saving my marriage, I started giving him THC without him knowing. It was the best six weeks we have had together in 2 1/2 years. Not even one episode, and he was the man I thought I married. Within that time he got a new job and because I live in a state where marijuana is legal, I didn’t think it mattered. They flagged his drug test and let him go so I had to tell him. Of course he flipped and said the only reason things were good for those six weeks is because I wasn’t “acting up “.
The emotional and verbal abuse is so intense. He screams in my face spitting in it while he talks, and the volume of screaming makes my whole face vibrate. Of course it’s always over something little like a date night slipped my mind or I’m running late.
That being said he is sending me everything under the sun about being narcissistic and he thinks I’m a sociopath. It’s creepy because it’s him 100%. I’m currently on vacation with my parents for hours from home and they are staying another three weeks and said I could stay with them. 

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[Pook075]

My question is the last paragraph, so if you would rather just answer that you can skip the details. I appreciate every single one of you, and you help me not feel so incredibly alone.
His raging is out of control, and the only thing keeping him from putting his hands on me is the time he has already spent in jail. He knows he will go away for a long time with a third domestic violence charge.
In my desperate attempt at saving my marriage, I started giving him THC without him knowing. It was the best six weeks we have had together in 2 1/2 years. Not even one episode, and he was the man I thought I married. Within that time he got a new job and because I live in a state where marijuana is legal, I didn’t think it mattered. They flagged his drug test and let him go so I had to tell him. Of course he flipped and said the only reason things were good for those six weeks is because I wasn’t “acting up “.
The emotional and verbal abuse is so intense. He screams in my face spitting in it while he talks, and the volume of screaming makes my whole face vibrate. Of course it’s always over something little like a date night slipped my mind or I’m running late.
That being said he is sending me everything under the sun about being narcissistic and he thinks I’m a sociopath. It’s creepy because it’s him 100%. I’m currently on vacation with my parents for hours from home and they are staying another three weeks and said I could stay with them. 

Hi Struggle and thanks for sharing.  I didn't see a question in the last paragraph, but I'm assuming that you're referring to the thread title- will BPD info wake him up?

The general answer is no, it's not a good idea to introduce a diagnosis yourself since it will almost surely backfire.  It is much better to have a mental health professional have that conversation, and right now you're in a good position to make that happen by requesting couples counseling (since he thinks you have mental health issues).  Why not pursue counseling for yourself, to meet a few specialists and get some straightforward advice, and then ask your husband to a couples session?  It's a win/win for everyone involved.

I can't say that I agree with secretly medicating him, and if he's violent then you should stay away for a bit longer with your parents.  Counseling and educating yourself about BPD is clearly the answer here though, and you can begin that journey with the sticky threads along the top of the page.  They'll help you learn to communicate better and de-escalate tense situations, which ultimately helps him regulate his emotions instead of exploding.

Please feel free to ask other questions or just vent, the community here is excellent and everyone wants to help.  We've all been there, in one form or another, with spouses or relatives that were in crisis without even realizing it.  There is a path forward and you will be okay, so i hope you take this extra time away from home to practice a little self care and some homework.  Good luck!

[SaltyDawg]

His raging is out of control, and the only thing keeping him from putting his hands on me is the time he has already spent in jail. He knows he will go away for a long time with a third domestic violence charge.

Do you have a safety plan for DV?  Also, have you self-assessed your risk with the free mosiac method, it is a 30 some page risk assessment for you?

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf
https://www.mosaicmethod.com/


He screams in my face spitting in it while he talks, and the volume of screaming makes my whole face vibrate. Of course it’s always over something little like a date night slipped my mind or I’m running late.

This treatment is not acceptable, and it should stop.  My uBPDw used to be that way, and she would typically do that 2-4 hours non-stop, and on one occasion it lasted over 7 hours.  She realized this was an issue, and worked with her own individual therapist to correct this.  It took her years to realize this, and when she did, it took months to correct.


That being said he is sending me everything under the sun about being narcissistic and he thinks I’m a sociopath. It’s creepy because it’s him 100%.

I would suggest getting an individual therapist, sharing your feelings with that therapist to sort out your feelings on this matter.  A lot of projection and transference can occur with a disordered person.  This can be best handled with a therapist.


I started giving him THC without him knowing.

Pook commented on this and he is a lot gentler than I would be commenting on this.  This is perhaps what he has perceived as you being a sociopath - as much as I want to take your side on this, I can see his perspective on this.  I am going to reframe this to a female's perspective - how would you feel if he was slipping the date rape drug (it too modifies the behavior) into a drink of yours to make his relationship less stressful with you?  How would you feel if he gave you a controlled substance without your knowledge to make you more agreeable to his perceived needs?


I’m currently on vacation with my parents for hours from home and they are staying another three weeks and said I could stay with them. 

Take them up on their offer, sort out your feelings, educate yourself on this topic, as you are in a very toxic relationship right now, and things need to improve.  Take the opportunity to find a therapist, and work with them on how you should handle the relationship.

Vacation sounds like self-care, and when you get back home, be sure to do self-care, as I found this to be the most important part of my journey with a pwBPD.

Take care with self-care.

SD

[SaltyDawg]

Going back to the original question you put into the 'subject'.

How is it making you feel that you are being called a sociopath and a narcissist by him?

You will likely get the same or similar response from him as you are giving him if you share that you think he is a borderline (BPD).

The best way to handle this, is to sort out your feelings with your own individual therapist.  Don't antagonize him any more than you already have - seek out couple's therapy (if he is willing to go) in addition to your own individual therapy.

Take care, with self care.

[Strugglebusrider]

Thank you thank you!
I get it…even though it was a tiny bit of a legal substance it was wrong to do that in every way. It is my responsibility to leave if his abuse is too much.
I will take the assessment also. Thank you for that.

He wont work and have one car. I went from $6000 a month (a social marketing health business I built after my ex husband of 19 years went to work and never came home) to food stamp destitute. He keeps saying he wants to work part time. The residual income from my business has kept us afloat, our whole marriage, and when I work it triggers him because the attention is on work and I love that more than I am. This being said, I haven’t worked in two years, almost at all. My business is about gone. I allowed this to happen to me and have the same power to end the craziness.
I need to take care of me. I can only hope he will start at least taking the zoloft he was prescribed but without any medication his mental illness will wreck us both. I cant control him. I cant fix him. I can only love him from a distance  knowing who he is when he’s not cycling.

[SaltyDawg]

You're welcome.

With regards to gaining back your life, and to be in control of your relationship, I am going to recommend a book that was really impactful in my journey with my pwBPD.

It is called, "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad

Take care with self care.

SD