Overwhelming grief, also hello new here

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello I’m new here. I came here because I have no idea how to deal with the grief. I lost my dad, my uBPD mom, my cousins, my brother, my aunt, all because of her. My whole childhood is gone, the only parent who cared about me is dead.

 I have a uBPD mom. She abused my father emotionally so much that he committed suicide. After that, she covered it up by harassing the police for months, somehow turning the initial verdict from a suicide to "unknown causes". But it’s obvious - he fell (ie, jumped) from a tall building.

After that, she scapegoated me, telling me how awful I was, isolating me from everyone I loved. I was 10 years old when all this started, and she has been doing it for over 10 years. I'm 26 now and no contact with mom for 4 years.

Today I went to the hospital for a non-emergency, and I cried in the handicap toilet. I was standing, then suddenly I fell to my knees and sobbed into my arms.Later, I was heading to the door when I collapsed and sobbed uncontrollably for 30 minutes.

I can't seem to stop crying. I feel like nobody has gone through what I have. A parent's suicide, brought on by the other parent's abuse, a cover up, followed by abuse from the surviving parent.

She took everything away from me, and she liked it. She revealed she enjoyed it when she projected on me, saying "you think I like scolding you? I don't. I'm not like that." I never had that thought before; it screams projection.

I know BPD is a mental illness, but she is just immoral, right? BPD can't be an excuse to indirectly kill your husband and destroy 2 children's lives. I can't reconcile the sympathy I have for her mental illness with the fact that I think she's evil. She has never apologised. I think she may be a psychopath - she shows no remorse. She thinks she's a good person. A good person! Not just average, good! She's a murderer!

Please help me. I keep crying. I’ve read so many books, done so much therapy, am going to support groups for co-dependency. But this grief, this grief just brought me to my knees. I don’t know how to function anymore.

[Keirshy]

Hello I’m new here. I came here because I have no idea how to deal with the grief. I lost my dad, my uBPD mom, my cousins, my brother, my aunt, all because of her. My whole childhood is gone, the only parent who cared about me is dead.

 I have a uBPD mom. She abused my father emotionally so much that he committed suicide. After that, she covered it up by harassing the police for months, somehow turning the initial verdict from a suicide to "unknown causes". But it’s obvious - he fell (ie, jumped) from a tall building.

After that, she scapegoated me, telling me how awful I was, isolating me from everyone I loved. I was 10 years old when all this started, and she has been doing it for over 10 years. I'm 26 now and no contact with mom for 4 years.

Today I went to the hospital for a non-emergency, and I cried in the handicap toilet. I was standing, then suddenly I fell to my knees and sobbed into my arms.Later, I was heading to the door when I collapsed and sobbed uncontrollably for 30 minutes.

I can't seem to stop crying. I feel like nobody has gone through what I have. A parent's suicide, brought on by the other parent's abuse, a cover up, followed by abuse from the surviving parent.

She took everything away from me, and she liked it. She revealed she enjoyed it when she projected on me, saying "you think I like scolding you? I don't. I'm not like that." I never had that thought before; it screams projection.

I know BPD is a mental illness, but she is just immoral, right? BPD can't be an excuse to indirectly kill your husband and destroy 2 children's lives. I can't reconcile the sympathy I have for her mental illness with the fact that I think she's evil. She has never apologised. I think she may be a psychopath - she shows no remorse. She thinks she's a good person. A good person! Not just average, good! She's a murderer!

Please help me. I keep crying. I’ve read so many books, done so much therapy, am going to support groups for co-dependency. But this grief, this grief just brought me to my knees. I don’t know how to function anymore.

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry for your loss.

People here may not have the exact experience, but I think we have the common experience of a BPD parent and a form of grief due to that.

My father passed away after a long illness. At the time, my BPD mother was angry at me. She rallied my father to her side "against" me and in addition, her family and friends.

At the time, I felt "orphaned" in the sense that I had lost the only parent who has acted as a parent to me.

Understanding my BPD mother was more obvious. She is the one with the most disordered behavior. I had perceived Dad as the good guy and a victim of my BPD mother, but over time, I was able to understand that he had a role in the relationship with her too. She was also abusive to him at times - and not just with him- verbal and emotional abuse is part of her behaviors.

I suspect my BPD mother has some traits of psychopath too - with the extent of her cruelty to others, also to her family. The personality disorders are on a spectrum and can overlap. My BPD mother has traits of NPD. One of them is lack of empathy. So yes, BPD is a mental illness but someone with BPD is still considered responsible for their behavior.

Understandably, you want to see accountability or remorse on her part- that is unlikely to happen- due to the disorder. You also wish there could be some kind of explanation on the part of your father- how could he do what he did, how could he leave you with her? Likely you feel a lot of emotions. Grief for the loss, and anger sometimes.

Your father must have been experiencing depression and hopelessness to the point where he wasn't thinking clearly. I can tell you this- this isn't about you or his relationship with you. His relationship with your mother was complicated.

I will also tell you this- the very best thing you can do - is to be your best self- and to achieve your dreams and goals- whatever they are. It's possible you don't know this yet. Yes, you have had counseling and co-dependency work- that's a good thing and something to continue. There isn't a "time frame" for how much of that someone may need.

Is this a recent event?  I recall the crying, spontaneously, seemingly out of nowhere. It did get less frequent. There's no one way to grieve. Grief runs its own course too but if it is very long or you are not functioning or sleeping or eating- it's OK to seek out medical care for help with this.  Don't isolate yourself- keep going to support groups. None of what your parents did has anything to do with you, and who you are. They had their own issues. The possibility for so much better for you is with you. Take care of you.

[HappyChappy]

... I have a uBPD mom. She abused my father emotionally so much that he committed suicide. After that, she covered it up by harassing ...

... scapegoated me, telling me how awful I was, isolating me from everyone I loved. ...

... Today I went to the hospital for a non-emergency, and I cried in the handicap toilet. I was standing, then suddenly I fell to my knees and sobbed into my arms...

Keirshy you’ve clearly been through more than most, and you’re still standing which is a great achievement. I’ve been through similar, when Dad was in hospital our uBPD blocked her children access, just to get us to visit and talk to her.  Because we were all no to low contact with her, so it was her selfish nature that did this. I was the only one to visit, so got scapegoated. But if your Dad was similar to mine, no idiot, he probably realise something was up and loved his kids for their behaviour not his wife's propaganda.

I’m guessing you know the five stages of grief, beginning with denial then anger. That’s as far as someone with undiagnosed BPD gets, typically. My therapist told me the intense feelings a uBPD gets, are impossible for them to deal with (at my mum’s age) so denial is where they feel safe and stay. Drama triangles and Narky behaviour has gotten them what they want thus far, so why change ?

But is sounds like you’re made of better stuff, as you’re on here trying to reach acceptance. Maybe you're starting to grieve the mother you should have had ? Or the childhood you deserved ? But crying is good, it suggests you're progressing towards acceptance and forgiveness as that's a wonderful place to be.

What helped me was accepting my uBPD would never change and was unaware (or unconcerned) about how her behaviour affected others - due to focusing on how things effect her, rather than others. So your mum probably does genuinely believe she was a good mum and wife - but belief doesn't = truth. The truth hurts, might even send a uBPD over the edge.

Your Mother & Father made their choices and set the dynamic before you were born, so it couldn't possibly have be your fault. There was nothing you could do about this.  No 10 year old could see through BPD behaviour and your parents came from a time when little was know about all this. My parents were all about keeping it quiet. Be good to yourself, it sounds like you're on the road to recovery and should be mightily proud of that - your uBPD probably won't get there. Her life choice, nothing to do with you.

[TelHill]

Hello Keirshy,

I am very sorry for all you've gone through.  I have an out of control dBPD mom who was sadistic to me. She perpetrated all types of abuse against me starting from my earliest memories at age 3. No one protected me. She goaded my older brother into physically attacking me. 

My in-denial dad has kept her from driving or working outside the home in fear that she might physically attack someone.  I believe she has psychosis/delusions which about 35% of those with BPD  symptoms have.

You may consider looking into finding a therapist who treats patients with Complex Post Traumautic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I have been very frustrated with the therapists who don't consider this because I am high functioning in many ways. PTSD does NOT cover the breadth and depth of what we've been through. It's beyond horrible to be bullied and frightened to death by your own mother.

I know we've been groomed otherwise by our disordered parent, but you have done nothing wrong. You are a worthwhile person who deserves to heal.

[CC43]

Keirshy, I'm sorry for all you've been through.  This is a place where people understand the adversity and feelings of people impacted by BPD.  Many of us have experienced a grieving process, lamenting the absence of a normal life, a childhood squandered and/or the loss of a loved one to mental illness.  The cycle of unfulfilled expectations and fractured relationships can really wear us down.

You may never fully understand or forgive your mother's behaviors.  I wouldn't expect your mother to apologize, though.  In my experience, a person with BPD thinks of herself as victim.  Apologizing would probably invalidate that status, making her responsible, and that is just not tenable for many people with BPD, especially untreated BPD.

You'll see on this site that self-care is of vital importance when coping with the fall-out from people with BPD.  Please take care.  You can vent your frustrations and sadness with us, because we get it.  There is such a thing as "having a good cry."  It must make us feel a little better--otherwise crying would serve no purpose.  It's understandable that you would cry now and then, and there's no clock on feelings or memories, even if they do tend to fade with time.  One thing that helps me to get out of my head is to take a walk outside; as a mental distraction, I focus on noticing something special on my walk:  an overgrown mushroom, a piano serenade, a sunbathing turtle, a screeching hawk.  I wish you some peace.

[livednlearned]

I'm 26 now

26 is an important year. You're leaving young adulthood and that in itself can bring on a lot of grief and uncertainty. Given what you've been through, what you've had to endure and the extent of loss, it's understandable that you would feel the grief so profoundly. On top of that, you were in a hospital, and even in a non-emergency situation hospitals symbolize vulnerability and loss and pain.

I feel like nobody has gone through what I have.

Only you can know what it's like to go through what you've been. I feel this way for different reasons about my own circumstances. What would it mean to you to find someone who had been through what you've been through? What would change? What would heal?

I know BPD is a mental illness, but she is just immoral, right?

She is abusive, mental illness notwithstanding. Mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. Many of us go through stages trying to understand what in the end isn't understandable, often because we are so different, and could never behave that way towards others. It ultimately makes no sense. There are other stages that can happen, like learning to focus on the ways in which we are different from our abusers, and not defined by them and the experiences we had.

Please help me. I keep crying. I’ve read so many books, done so much therapy, am going to support groups for co-dependency. But this grief, this grief just brought me to my knees. I don’t know how to function anymore.

Is it possible that your grief might be in response to someone being kind to you?

I went through a period of profound grief that felt like it was coming from somewhere deep. I was doing ok in most areas of my life but I would be out walking my dog sobbing for reasons I couldn't place, other than the usual, which historically had not catapulted me into open grief. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.

An old-school psychiatrist framed my experience as a breakthrough (versus a breakdown). He noted that I was dismantling pieces of my "false" self that had served me well as a child in difficult circumstances, and some of the grief was related to the pain of feeling my real self emerge.

Whatever the reason may be for your own grief, it says a lot that you are here, reaching out. You're caring about yourself. All of the good things in my life have come from having similar instincts, and leaning into the pain and the grief when it insists on being felt. In a meditation class I took, they taught us that pain x resistance = suffering. If you can endure the emotional pain, there can be relief on the other side.

What happened with your cousins, brother, and aunt? Did she put them in a loyalty bind?