>Do BPDs ever regret?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Please help.

Ex dumped me out of the blue after living together and 6 year relationship (both 34). I went no contact straight away (as he had been critical of me for sometime and he had threatened break up a couple of months previously so I just felt emotionally exhausted)

I made no break up mistakes ie. no calling / texting / stalking (internally I really struggled). This has all happened in the last 2/3 months.

We were happy or so I thought before this, although he has pushed/pulled with me before, often seemed to idealize me and then massively devalue me with obvious criticism. I always was patient and caring.

He contacted me a few weeks after the break up a few times over "bills" and I gave nothing away and was polite, I didnt come across as needy but also tried to talk to him about me and him but he was so cold to me so I didnt persist, I also did not want to beg or plead with him although weirdly felt this is what he wanted (merely for his own validation) transpires he monkey branched/cheated into a relationship with an older woman (40yo) with 2 children.

I don’t understand how he can’t commit to me (engagement would have been next for us and I think this scared him) but he can commit to now being in a “happy family “ dynamic with children that are not his?

He is also posting her, him and the children on social media a bit which is very unlike him (I am blocked but friends have shared with me, I have asked them to not share moving forward for my own healing)

He is avoidant, impulsive and undiagnosed BPD with some NPD and ADHD tendencies. He has blocked me on social media even though I’ve made no break up mistakes, never tried to contact him and I was a great partner. I thought we were happy together.

He has always had that "one foot in one foot out mentality" in terms of emotional connection however we spent lots of time together, felt we were "close" (as can be) and we were both fully integrated in each others lives, Im very close to his family and friends. We were also building a house together and had made plans for the following year together.

Will he come back? Will he regret?

I am working on me but I just have been struggling with the sudden break up and no answers as well as the huge betrayal that he cheated (he met this woman 2 months before we broke up)

Even if he doesn’t come back to me I’d like to know that he would perhaps regret his decision even in the future. It’s been the hardest thing I have ever had to do and still is.

Im still in shock even though doing all the right things to be good to myself as well as work on myself (therapy etc).

He literally cut me off, no communication , blocked me and basically near enough ghosted me after 6 years of a life together.

Even to get closure or just some nice words from him at some point down the road would make me feel like at least he felt something.

Any advice appreciated.

What do you think will happen now? Was that the final discard? Will he be back? Will he ever regret?

[Sophie22]

Please help.

Ex dumped me out of the blue after living together and 6 year relationship (both 34). I went no contact straight away (as he had been critical of me for sometime and he had threatened break up a couple of months previously so I just felt emotionally exhausted)

I made no break up mistakes ie. no calling / texting / stalking (internally I really struggled). This has all happened in the last 2/3 months.

We were happy or so I thought before this, although he has pushed/pulled with me before, often seemed to idealize me and then massively devalue me with obvious criticism. I always was patient and caring.

He contacted me a few weeks after the break up a few times over "bills" and I gave nothing away and was polite, I didnt come across as needy but also tried to talk to him about me and him but he was so cold to me so I didnt persist, I also did not want to beg or plead with him although weirdly felt this is what he wanted (merely for his own validation) transpires he monkey branched/cheated into a relationship with an older woman (40yo) with 2 children.

I don’t understand how he can’t commit to me (engagement would have been next for us and I think this scared him) but he can commit to now being in a “happy family “ dynamic with children that are not his?

He is also posting her, him and the children on social media a bit which is very unlike him (I am blocked but friends have shared with me, I have asked them to not share moving forward for my own healing)

He is avoidant, impulsive and undiagnosed BPD with some NPD and ADHD tendencies. He has blocked me on social media even though I’ve made no break up mistakes, never tried to contact him and I was a great partner. I thought we were happy together.

He has always had that "one foot in one foot out mentality" in terms of emotional connection however we spent lots of time together, felt we were "close" (as can be) and we were both fully integrated in each others lives, Im very close to his family and friends. We were also building a house together and had made plans for the following year together.

Will he come back? Will he regret?

I am working on me but I just have been struggling with the sudden break up and no answers as well as the huge betrayal that he cheated (he met this woman 2 months before we broke up)

Even if he doesn’t come back to me I’d like to know that he would perhaps regret his decision even in the future. It’s been the hardest thing I have ever had to do and still is.

Im still in shock even though doing all the right things to be good to myself as well as work on myself (therapy etc).

He literally cut me off, no communication , blocked me and basically near enough ghosted me after 6 years of a life together.

Even to get closure or just some nice words from him at some point down the road would make me feel like at least he felt something.

Any advice appreciated.

What do you think will happen now? Was that the final discard? Will he be back? Will he ever regret?

[SaltyDawg]

Hello Sophie22,

   Thank you for joining BPD family.  We get it.  What you wrote sounds so familiar, if you read these threads you will see a pattern similar to yours and it is incredibly frustrating behavior to deal with.

   I am going to recommend a couple of books (these are starter books) to help you deal with these behaviors, especially with communication. 

   Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by By Paul T. T. Mason, Randi Kreger - Make sure you get the 3rd edition, as it has an excellent assessment tool in it.

   Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad - this one is the best for managing a person with BPD, or seeing the dynamic on why you would be attracted to a pwBPD.

   In the meantime I will comment on your post...

He contacted me a few weeks after the break up a few times over "bills" and I gave nothing away and was polite, I didnt come across as needy but also tried to talk to him about me and him but he was so cold to me so I didnt persist, I also did not want to beg or plead with him although weirdly felt this is what he wanted (merely for his own validation) transpires he monkey branched/cheated into a relationship with an older woman (40yo) with 2 children.


I am sorry to hear how he apparently left you for another woman, that must really feel devastating for you.  How does this make you feel?  Borderlines will often leave a relationship for another for a variety of reasons; however, if he has moved on as though your relationship didn't really exist and so fast, that is typical for someone with a personality disorder.  This 40yo women probably met an emotional need, or he is being manipulated by her as she has 2 children to take care of.


I don’t understand how he can’t commit to me (engagement would have been next for us and I think this scared him) but he can commit to now being in a “happy family “ dynamic with children that are not his?

He is also posting her, him and the children on social media a bit which is very unlike him (I am blocked but friends have shared with me, I have asked them to not share moving forward for my own healing)

A pwBPD (person with BPD) will mirror their interests, so he will modify his behavior to match what he thinks she does.   You might want to reflect and see if he did this with you in the beginning of your relationship with him.


He is avoidant, impulsive and undiagnosed BPD with some NPD and ADHD tendencies. He has blocked me on social media even though I’ve made no break up mistakes, never tried to contact him and I was a great partner. I thought we were happy together.

I will mention one mistake, a borderline fears abandonment, correct me if I am wrong, you mentioned that you did not reach out to him during the 2-3 month period, and this would have been perceived as abandonment.

I am also going to question your assessment on his uBPD/NPD/ADHD.  From what you have described of the relationship you did not mention any cycles of idealizing and discarding other than the one discard you had.  At the beginning of the relationship did it feel like it was 'too good to be true' only to be painted black at the end before he left?


He has always had that "one foot in one foot out mentality" in terms of emotional connection however we spent lots of time together, felt we were "close" (as can be) and we were both fully integrated in each others lives, Im very close to his family and friends. We were also building a house together and had made plans for the following year together.

This does not sound like typical BPD/NPD/ADHD type behaviors, other than the enmeshment aspect where you were both fully integrated in each other's lives.

It sounds like he has commitment issues, and if the new 40yo presses for engagement/marriage he  might leave her too.  Borderlines follow patterns, once you figure it out, they are extremely predictable in their behaviors.


Will he come back? Will he regret?

If he discards the 40yo, perhaps.  Regretting - unlikely, but possible. 


I am working on me but I just have been struggling with the sudden break up and no answers as well as the huge betrayal that he cheated (he met this woman 2 months before we broke up)
I can tell that you have great insight because you’re able to identify that this is a problem and you’re willing to work on you.  I would suggest getting your own individual therapist to discuss this more in depth.  However, the betrayal and cheating on you by monkey branching sounds very devastating.


Even if he doesn’t come back to me I’d like to know that he would perhaps regret his decision even in the future. It’s been the hardest thing I have ever had to do and still is.

It sounds incredibly hard to deal with. 


He literally cut me off, no communication , blocked me and basically near enough ghosted me after 6 years of a life together.

I hear you, all of your dreams, hopes, and plans are dashed, if that were to happen to me, I would be devastated.


Even to get closure or just some nice words from him at some point down the road would make me feel like at least he felt something.

Getting closure from a borderline/narcissist is next to impossible.  However, if you assess that he is neither BPD/NPD, you could reach out to him by way of a mutual friend/family member and ask for these answers for some kind of closure.  However, if you do ask, be prepared for answers that you may not like, or be blocked altogether.

If he is a borderline, he did feel something, but all of their emotions are amplified, all or nothing thinking, so he was either all in, or nothing, with very little if anything in between.

Any advice appreciated.

What do you think will happen now? Was that the final discard? Will he be back? Will he ever regret?

He will likely stay with the 40yo w/ 2 kids, until he discards her too.  Was this the final discard - you made no mention of having been previously discarded, if you share that it would be more helpful in taking an educated guess on this.  If has previous cycles, it is possible.  He might regret, he might not, it depends where he is on the spectrum, since you indicated NPD as well, it would be less likely he would regret.


   If you have more specific questions, please ask, and someone will be here to help you out.

   My most important piece of advice is to be sure to do self-care whatever that might look like for you, so you can keep your energy levels up to care for your person with BPD.

   Take care with self-care.

SD

[Sophie22]

Thank you so so much for replying, I really appreciate it.

Yes I definitely felt very idealised at the beginning and then on and off between a lot of criticism about me throughout the years.

He would love me then seem to hate me and be really vocal about how awful I was in so many ways, I don’t know why I stayed but I was invested in the relationship and could see moments when things were “good” with us.

Yes there were 2 of what I think were discards before… one where he wanted a break after being critical but then came back to me after few weeks and missed me and one again a few months before the most recent one…

To give you more insight I think he’s BPD/NPD as he has a lot of the usual traits. Alcohol/substance abuse , He never seems to be happy , expected me to do everything for him but then would be really critical , very Jekyll and Hyde… he also withheld sex a bit too amongst the idealisation /devaluing. I believe he expects the partner to make him happy rather than an ability to make himself happy, I think he sees a new partner as being the answers to all his dreams, then naturally that fades as flaws appear.

I am just do devastated . I can’t believe after 6 years this is it.

He has a pattern of this with relationships apparently and his previous relationships he monkey branched too and seems to just “check out”.

He gets bored easily in life in general (adhd?) and his previous relationships only lasted 1-2years. I don’t know how we lasted 6 years. I think I stayed long after I should have.

He said to friends of mine in April this year that he was looking at engagement rings, then had a work stress in May/June and then July met this other person but September breaking up with me.He was so cold at the end, serious devaluing and painting black.

I didn’t contact him for the first 3 weeks but I replied to an “are you ok?” msg he sent me..when we spoke I wanted to say about getting back together but I’d been at the end of his wanting to not be together before that I felt I can’t keep doing this every year or 2. It’s made me so anxious and upset each time.i was emotionally drained.

You are right that he is mirroring her with posting on social media I think. He also seems to have taken on mirroring a bachelor friend of his who is a bit of a playboy, so much so to how he dresses and things he says/how he speaks.

My ex had a very tumultuous childhood with his dad walking out when he was 1 year old then a series of his mother not being around and his step dad also walking out.

I just miss him and still feel care towards him even though he’s been so horrible to me and cheated on me (parentification element?)

Our social circle and both are families are shocked at his behaviour.

I just never thought he’d cheat let alone with someone with 2 kids. My ex doesn’t even like kids that much. I can’t help thinking how or why he has given up a perfectly good relationship with me and a good future to be with a woman who 2 children.

I am going to see my own therapist now weekly. It has helped. The focus on why I stayed with this partner for so long / my childhood wounds.

Thank you so much for the book recommendations.

Any other advice appreciated.

I’m just so sad not having had any respect from him or the decency to care about how I feel. I just have so many questions that remain unanswered..

He contacted me 2 weeks ago about a bill/letter again(very to the point /cold) to be honest I’m not sure why he messaged me but he could have easily given the same letter to a friend of mine. I think he wanted to see if I’d blocked him and weirdly I think he’s wanted more of a reaction out of me which I haven’t given him. It’s like he’s baited me a few times to go crazy at him but I haven’t.

I just don’t understand how he can feel nothing.

Any other help would be great. I am devastated.

I just want this relationship to end for him, he literally replaced me. He is bringing her to all the places we used to go to together.

[Sophie22]

To add to this on the final “discard” he seemed very certain he wasn’t happy with me but couldn’t actually say about breaking up. I packed my bags and left but as I was going he said “you don’t have to go”. At that point I did as I’d spent weeks suffering with him devaluing me and having no interest in me or the relationship. I expected to hear from him for a few days and didn’t until I got the “are you ok?” message.

I replied saying I was ok hoped he was ok, then 3 weeks with nothing then calls from him regarding bills and coldness, in that time I tried to connect with him and was told not to try that he was certain of his decision. Only a couple of weeks after he text to say he was seeing someone else, this person he’d met 2 months before we broke up.

At the beginning of our relationship it was the most amazing relationship/ chemistry “too good to be true” - he definitely idealised me then

[kells76]

Hey Sophie22;

No right or wrong answer here, just getting a better idea of how to support you --

Would you say you're more done with the relationship and processing what happened, or actively looking to reenter the relationship?

(asking because I see your posts here on the "Bettering a relationship" board, which has a different focus than the "Detaching from a relationship" board. You can get the best advice for your situation when you're on a board that matches. We do also have a "Conflicted about continuing" board, FYI)

I know things can be really confusing 

-kells76

[Sophie22]

Thank you for your help.

I posted on both as I’m not sure what I am doin and also as I navigate using the forum

I feel I want to leave the relationship because my ex pwDPD has cheated , monkey branched, demonstrated on social media his new other half, he has also blocked me on social media and given me no closure and has downright treated me awfully the last couple of months

I think this is where logically my head is at at

That being said to be honest my heart still loves my ex and is very sad to give up.. I also truly believe he has some issues and potentially BPD so that must be so hard for him.. (why do I still feel responsible for him?)

I’ve tried so hard already and he’s actually not coming back so I feel it is out of my control

I won’t try get him back but part of me would like him to come back to me so I could at least try and get some answers and closure from him

And deep down I know I am looking for some validation from him by getting this

Crazily I miss him still

[skittles3234]

I can't say if he will regret his actions because every people is different whether they have a personality disorder or not. But one thing is certain... BPDs don't, ever do a "final discard". Maybe due to their fear of abandonment or fear of being alone, they lack the will to fully cut off people from their lives. Once you're theirs (gf/bf/friend/whatever), you'll always be on their mind. They may treat you and say things to you that will make you think you'll never see them again, but that's not true. They do this to purposely hurt you. It's like they're trying to project all the pain they feel inside into you to make *them* feel better.

My ex discarded me 4 months ago, after she felt safe with my replacement (a literal f*ck buddy). Said she didn't want anything to do with me anymore and told me to not reach out to her ever again. Yet she hasn't blocked me on any social media, not even on Discord (despite sharing a mutual server/group together). I wouldn't be surprised if she is also lurking and monitoring my activities online, since she also did the same with her other exes. A few weeks ago she began mirroring me again for some reason. For example, when we were together, I was studying for a civil service exam to become a police officer, and now she posts pictures on her social media where she's also "studying" forensic science and other crime related stuff, despite never having any interest in the subject. As if trying to bait me to contact her. Maybe too scared to reach out herself, thinking I might be rude to her.

See?

Give it time. You'll hear from your ex again, either one week or a decade later. They always come back and they're always watching us... whether they have a new person to distract them from their pain, or not. 

[kells76]

I feel I want to leave the relationship because my ex pwDPD has cheated , monkey branched, demonstrated on social media his new other half, he has also blocked me on social media and given me no closure and has downright treated me awfully the last couple of months

I think this is where logically my head is at at

That being said to be honest my heart still loves my ex and is very sad to give up.. I also truly believe he has some issues and potentially BPD so that must be so hard for him.. (why do I still feel responsible for him?)

I’ve tried so hard already and he’s actually not coming back so I feel it is out of my control

I won’t try get him back but part of me would like him to come back to me so I could at least try and get some answers and closure from him

And deep down I know I am looking for some validation from him by getting this

Crazily I miss him still

Where you're at makes a lot of sense -- you really explained the tension well. It sounds like the Detaching board would be a good fit for you right now, as intellectually you know you're done with the relationship and you're working through how your heart feels differently. That's a really common place that members are in on that board.

I'll go ahead and bump this over there for you.

[SaltyDawg]

Sophie,

   I must apologize for the late response.  I went through all of your comments and made observations on each.  Let me know if you have more questions.


Yes I definitely felt very idealised at the beginning and then on and off between a lot of criticism about me throughout the years.

He would love me then seem to hate me and be really vocal about how awful I was in so many ways, I don’t know why I stayed but I was invested in the relationship and could see moments when things were “good” with us.

The classic "I hate you, don't leave me" dynamic, push-pull, it is an addictive dance that entraps you into their high-drama dynamic.


Yes there were 2 of what I think were discards before… one where he wanted a break after being critical but then came back to me after few weeks and missed me and one again a few months before the most recent one…

To give you more insight I think he’s BPD/NPD as he has a lot of the usual traits. Alcohol/substance abuse , He never seems to be happy , expected me to do everything for him but then would be really critical , very Jekyll and Hyde… he also withheld sex a bit too amongst the idealisation /devaluing. I believe he expects the partner to make him happy rather than an ability to make himself happy, I think he sees a new partner as being the answers to all his dreams, then naturally that fades as flaws appear.

It sounds like you have a good understanding of the dynamic going on.  My uBPDw does not have the comorbid alcohol/substance abuse; however, it is quite common.  My uBPDw does want me to do everything for her, at my worst, I literally expended every waking hour to try and please her, and it still wasn't good enough, she had a "persistent feeling of emptiness" where she could never be satisfied.  She was sex bombing me, and then stopped as soon as she realized she hook me when we discovered we were having a child (it started the day we found out we were pregnant) she went from wanting it all the time (daily), to withholding it almost all of the time (less than once per year) needless to say that was very confusing for me.  You are very good at deducing that, 'he sees a new partner as being the answer to all his dreams', but the pattern will repeat.


I am just so devastated . I can’t believe after 6 years this is it.

He has a pattern of this with relationships apparently and his previous relationships he monkey branched too and seems to just “check out”.

He gets bored easily in life in general (adhd?) and his previous relationships only lasted 1-2years. I don’t know how we lasted 6 years. I think I stayed long after I should have.

1-2 years is typical for a borderline relationship, or it could be much, much longer as in my case, 2 decades.


He said to friends of mine in April this year that he was looking at engagement rings, then had a work stress in May/June and then July met this other person but September breaking up with me.He was so cold at the end, serious devaluing and painting black.

I know it is little consolation right now, and it is a bitter pill to swallow - more than likely he will do to her what he did to you, and with 2 children it will likely be a bit sooner.


You are right that he is mirroring her with posting on social media I think. He also seems to have taken on mirroring a bachelor friend of his who is a bit of a playboy, so much so to how he dresses and things he says/how he speaks.

This is very typical and predictable behavior borderlines do.  Even though many articles indicate that borderlines are unpredictable, I find I can predict their behaviors better than I can predict my own.


My ex had a very tumultuous childhood with his dad walking out when he was 1 year old then a series of his mother not being around and his step dad also walking out.

You have a bit of insight to realize that his FOO (family of origin) issues are at play.  BPD is one or both nurture and/or nature - genetics and/or environment - from what you describe, it is likely a bit of both.


I just miss him and still feel care towards him even though he’s been so horrible to me and cheated on me (parentification element?)

Our social circle and both are families are shocked at his behaviour.

I just never thought he’d cheat let alone with someone with 2 kids. My ex doesn’t even like kids that much. I can’t help thinking how or why he has given up a perfectly good relationship with me and a good future to be with a woman who 2 children.

This push-pull dynamic, where he pushed you away, is a drama filled addicting dynamic that I too am coming to terms with, with my own therapist.  To get a better understanding you might want to look up the term 'engulfment with a borderline' where he may have been getting too close, so he pushed you away before you could push him away, as he likely didn't think he was good enough for you, so he replaced you with a less desirable situation with children.


I am going to see my own therapist now weekly. It has helped. The focus on why I stayed with this partner for so long / my childhood wounds.

Thank you so much for the book recommendations.

I am a very strong advocate for therapy as part of my self-care plan.  It will give you insight as to what happened, I know I have learned so much since I have been dealing with this, and I am continually learning to grow from it.


Any other advice appreciated.

Now that this thread has been moved to the 'detaching/learning' board...  Even though I am fairly sure you are absolutely devastated by these turn of events; I would advise you to consider yourself to be very lucky to have dodged this bullet, even though it does not feel that way right now.  Just imagine yourself with a lifetime of this push-pull dynamic, with a slow descent where you are increasingly painted black over a period of a couple of decades, versus a fast one of a few months that you experienced, and still longing to be with him.

Correct me if I am wrong, but you don't have any children with him, that complicates things by many orders of magnitude.  You don't have children, I don't think you have a mortgage together, that makes the detaching process much easier - in this respect I envy where you are in comparison to me, even though this feels like crap.


I’m just so sad not having had any respect from him or the decency to care about how I feel. I just have so many questions that remain unanswered..

This is a legitimate feeling - unfortunately if he is a borderline, most borderlines are incapable of being remorseful as that is a more advanced emotion, they have much more primitive emotions, that of a toddler as that is where their emotional development has stopped, that is why their love and hate is so much more intense than normal people, and the love part can be quite intoxicating, at least it was for me.


He contacted me 2 weeks ago about a bill/letter again(very to the point /cold) to be honest I’m not sure why he messaged me but he could have easily given the same letter to a friend of mine. I think he wanted to see if I’d blocked him and weirdly I think he’s wanted more of a reaction out of me which I haven’t given him. It’s like he’s baited me a few times to go crazy at him but I haven’t.

He is likely doing a test, to see how badly he messed up with you.  If you signal that you are open for him coming back, which I think you may be thinking this - you need to explore 'why' with your therapist.  You also need to discern why you feel that you need him back in your life.


I just don’t understand how he can feel nothing.

He likely feel a lot, just not in a manner that you can envision.  He probably feels a lot of shame for doing this to you.  He also has a new toy (40yo with 2 kids), and you are the old toy he has lost interest in.  However, when the new toy becomes too difficult, he might go back to the old toy.  If and when he does - what are you going to do?


Any other help would be great. I am devastated.

I just want this relationship to end for him, he literally replaced me. He is bringing her to all the places we used to go to together.

I know you are really feeling rejected by him right now; however, you did ask for help.  I cannot tell you what to do; however, I can ask you some questions intended to make you think about your potential future with him.

Be very careful what you wish (want/long) for, it may come true.  Will he go back to you, or will he find some other new supply, especially, as you indicate his previous relationships only lasted 1 to 2 years.  Do you know if he went back with any of the previous relationship that he was in - if he did, then there may be a good chance he may come back to you - what will you do if, and when he comes back to you?

What does Sophie want for her life?  Is Sophie willing to be with a known monkey-branching cheater?  Is Sophie willing to settle for this, or does Sophie deserve something better?  Only you can answer these questions for yourself.  I would suggest talking with your therapist on this as well, sort out your feelings, sort out your needs and differentiate that from your wants - I find making lists to be very helpful for me.


To add to this on the final “discard” he seemed very certain he wasn’t happy with me but couldn’t actually say about breaking up. I packed my bags and left but as I was going he said “you don’t have to go”. At that point I did as I’d spent weeks suffering with him devaluing me and having no interest in me or the relationship. I expected to hear from him for a few days and didn’t until I got the “are you ok?” message.

When he stated 'you don't have to go' that was his way of expressing he really f**ked up as you were now abandoning him; however, as you indicated, you had enough of his devaluing behaviors that you had endured.


At the beginning of our relationship it was the most amazing relationship/ chemistry “too good to be true” - he definitely idealised me then

I personally believe many of us who have been in this kind of romantic relationship have experienced this, and this is what makes it so damn hard to leave, as it is incredibly intoxicating, at least it was for me, and I suspect the same would be for you.  When the idealization comes to and end to the devaluing phase, this is commonly known as 'love bombing' something you may want to look up.


I feel I want to leave the relationship because my ex pwDPD has cheated , monkey branched, demonstrated on social media his new other half, he has also blocked me on social media and given me no closure and has downright treated me awfully the last couple of months

I think this is where logically my head is at at

That being said to be honest my heart still loves my ex and is very sad to give up.. I also truly believe he has some issues and potentially BPD so that must be so hard for him.. (why do I still feel responsible for him?)

From what you have just shared here, it sounds like you are using the DBT tool of 'wise mind' where one has a logical mind that is offset by the emotional mind, and meeting in the middle (not always possible) is where wisemind is, and then use the wisemind to make a decision on what you must do.  For more information on wisemind, select the tool menu from the top level menu and it is the first entry.


I’ve tried so hard already and he’s actually not coming back so I feel it is out of my control

Please tell yourself:
  I did not cause it.
  I cannot control it.
  I cannot cure it.

For more helpful tips, you can find them at https://margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/


I won’t try get him back but part of me would like him to come back to me so I could at least try and get some answers and closure from him

And deep down I know I am looking for some validation from him by getting this

Crazily I miss him still

Most borderlines will not do this.  I was fortunate enough to ask mine, on the bad things she did to me.  For the ones that I explained, she parroted me right back, on the topics that I did not explain my feelings about, they were so disordered, like a toddler just learning how to talk would describe something that they had not learned about - this is coming from a woman who was  valedictorian of her high school and graduated college with top honors.  I know you long for 'answers' and 'validation' on why he did the things that he did; however, in the unlikely event he is able to articulate his feelings, I suspect they will open more questions, than answer any answers.  I get it, you miss him like crazy, because he may actually be crazy [dark humor here - this is a coping mechanism for me].

Example of a crazy explanation for her accusing me of cheating on her - this is a paraphrased version of my uBPDw's explanation - You wanted sex, so I told you to go f**k our children's playdate mothers.  [A couple weeks later I felt differently,] so I accused you f**king them, so you cheated on me.  This wasn't just one women, it was several.   Here is another paraphrased example - You stole money from me, where I responded, "when you threaten divorce I need to take it seriously, so I diverted $5k from my earnings for a divorce attorney retainer fee should you follow through on one of your many threats" - no apology for making the threat, she just continued to accuse me of stealing my own money that I earned since it was 'ours' yet she had an income as well that she spent on herself - go figure.


Skittles' indicated that they will never do a 'final discard' - my personal experience indicates otherwise.  My uBPD/uNPD-exgf, did try and call a few times, but when I did not answer her calls/texts she did eventually stop reaching out to me, a half year later - that was 22 years ago.  I also had dBPD-T, had similar behavior as the exgf, very similar to your exbf who contacted you for mail.

If you do reach out to them, they may reach back out to you, depending on how warm you appear to them.

If you still have questions, please feel free to ask more.

Take care with self care.

SD

[Pensive1]

Sorry you're going through this.

As SD notes, much of what you say sounds so familiar. Especially with the description in your second post, your ex does sound BPD/NPD to me. E.g. "He would love me then seem to hate me and be really vocal about how awful I was in so many ways" sounds like typical splitting. The "He gets bored easily in life in general" is also a very common BPD/NPD trait - e.g., see the paper "Boredom in Borderline Personality Disorder: A Lost Criterion Reconsidered".

I agree with SD's comment that "getting closure from a borderline/narcissist is next to impossible."

I can completely relate to your experience of having a BPD ex who monkeybranched, then dumped you (out of the blue) in a cold, detached way. That's what happened to me after 25 years together. It felt so, so weird that suddenly, any emotional bonds to me appeared gone - with her demeanor so cool and detached. What happened after that, in my case, was a bit different. Her new partner was long distance, and my ex wanted to keep me around as kind of a platonic husband (people with BPD often have difficulty spending time alone). And eventually she again was showing some love toward me (I was no longer painted black), but she was too into her new guy to give him up, and after two years I gave up waiting and went to minimal contact.

I agree with SD on "Regretting - unlikely, but possible." From what I've seen, people with BPD often do circle back, as skittles describes. "Once you're theirs... you'll always be on their mind" seems to most often be true. But that's not necessarily the same thing as regret. My ex does regret some of her life choices, but generally doesn't display regret of a form that acknowledges that she did something wrong to a partner - she monkeybranched in a couple prior relationships, and always still justifies/rationalizes it. The blame is almost always placed on someone else (not herself). As SD says "being remorseful" is often not in the repertiore of a pwBPD.

With regard to a pwBPD cheating, I think this description by Sam Vaknin nails it: "She feels justified to lie because she casts it in terms of self-defense against abusive reactions to her misconduct (interpersonal hypersensitivity). Gradually, she starts to believe some of her own prevarications and protests vehemently against any attempt to refute them. She feels exonerated and vindicated, empowered, morally upright, and entitled to repeat her misbehavior and to lie about it, cornered as she is in a dead relationship by her abusive and rejecting partner (alloplastic defenses coupled with an external locus of control)."

An ancillary comment - SD: "She was sex bombing me...she went from wanting it all the time (daily), to withholding it almost all of the time (less than once per year)." The more I read, the more I see how incredibly common this is in relationships with a BPD partner. In my case, for the first half year, daily wasn't nearly sufficient for her (it was literally averaging six times a day), and that ultimately went to zero over more than a decade. That was also true of her partner before me.

One thing that helped me a lot in dealing with the emotional pain and confusion of the breakup was taking an online course in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (the Happiness Trap course).

Hope time provides healing for you.

[Sophie22]

Thank you again for the advice, support and guidance.

From memory I think my ex did not go back to exes. I don’t actually know but realistically when he got with me he would have severed ties with the ones previous.

Can anyone shed light on why he was in touch? A few days and then few weeks afterwards he would contact me over “bills” multiple times and once just randomly called me. He got in touch a couple of times, initially he called a couple of times then it got to texting. The reason for being in touch always being stuff that didn’t have any urgency or need. Once on the phone and once on text I was vulnerable and tried to communicate subtly that I’d been sad and was missing him and that I was struggling. Both times to be shut down abruptly that he had made his choic, he was certain of it and also he “didn’t want to lead me on”. As I said again 2 weeks ago he contacted me over a bill when he could have easily passed it onto a friend of mine to pass onto me. It seems strange.

It partly feels he’s been in touch as he wanted me to beg/plead with him for another chance and then the opportunity for him to shut me down again?! This is where it feels very NPD as opposed to BPD.

Also his last post on social media he put up with his new partner to then take it down a little while afterwards. I was told he’d been getting some stick for it by friends who’d made comments regarding the fact he’s moved on so easily / was insensitive to me etc. and just general digs from male peers about it.
Is this why it came down? Very surprised he would post to then remove. He seems to care what other males think of him than anybody else.

I want a healthy thriving relationship one that we support each other and can have good days and bad days but one where I’m not uncertain of the other persons feelings towards me. I know I shouldn’t want him still but I do,  our relationship was relatively good other than the 2 “discards” and we bounced back both time. Its sad I came to tolerate the criticism and my confidence towards the end was so low and so much walking on eggshells. I seemed to be giving so so much and him giving close to nothing. No interest in me at all, not wanting to spend time with me.

How can they go from loving you one minute and being super critical towards to the next?

Also my ex told me whilst telling 2 stories and on 2 separate occasions of instances where friends had said to him “this is what’s wrong with your relationship “ and another of “you don’t even like your girlfriend “. These comments really surprised meat the time to hear but seemed like he’d been talking about how unhappy he was with peers but never was able to tell me of any issues he had.

He never communicated his needs or that he wasn’t happy, he would either act happy or be critical but never vocalised anything else to me to try and change, it was all small critiques.

Part of me wants to reach out to him but after the hurt he has caused me it seems I will just have to walk away with no answers or closure

I don’t think if I spoke to him he would give me anything concrete or soothing in terms of resolution or understanding. I’m not sure he knows himself.

I wish I knew he at least missed me and thought about me on occasion.

I wish we’d just broken up but the other person was not in the picture. I wish he’d tried with me.

I have no children with him and no mortgage, the house he is building is his but it was our home. It seems when we moved out and lived with friends(when the home became inhabitable ) was when everything took a turn for the worst, he compared me and us to other couples as well, he seemed to think other people’s relationships were better than ours, even so far as going to compare me and him to couples on their wedding days, he seems to have a strange idea of what “love” is - it’s like he thinks it’s perfect all of the time and he used that as a reason to not be with me which makes me think he was thinking the new partner was “perfect” and what he was missing.

[Pensive1]

Sophie,

I don't have good answers for many of your questions, but I thought I'd respond on a couple points.

re: "How can they go from loving you one minute and being super critical towards to the next?"
Object Relations Theory explains this pretty well. People with untreated BPD can't see you as a whole person, with constancy over time, integrating both "good" and "bad" aspects, so their internal view of you flips from one moment to the next (this is called "splitting"). One good book analyzing BPD in an object relations framework is "Search For The Real Self : Unmasking The Personality Disorders Of Our Age" by James Masterson. Member 2010 on this forum has a lot of insightful posts discussing this topic. Here's a link to their posts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts
2010 no longer posts here, and I wouldn't necessarily take everything they say as gospel truth, but I personally found their commentary very helpful.

re: "he seems to have a strange idea of what 'love' is - it’s like he thinks it’s perfect all of the time and he used that as a reason to not be with me which makes me think he was thinking the new partner was 'perfect' and what he was missing."
This seems to be typical in BPD (and in NPD). People with untreated BPD don't know what mature love is.

[SaltyDawg]

Sophie,

From memory I think my ex did not go back to exes. I don’t actually know but realistically when he got with me he would have severed ties with the ones previous.

Past behaviors are often indicators of future ones.  So, once he is sure you are no longer interested in the relationship, he likely will not come back - this is a good thing if he has BPD tendencies.


Can anyone shed light on why he was in touch? A few days and then few weeks afterwards he would contact me over “bills” multiple times and once just randomly called me. He got in touch a couple of times, initially he called a couple of times then it got to texting. The reason for being in touch always being stuff that didn’t have any urgency or need. Once on the phone and once on text I was vulnerable and tried to communicate subtly that I’d been sad and was missing him and that I was struggling. Both times to be shut down abruptly that he had made his choice, he was certain of it and also he “didn’t want to lead me on”. As I said again 2 weeks ago he contacted me over a bill when he could have easily passed it onto a friend of mine to pass onto me. It seems strange.

I emphasized what you said, and his response.  I didn't catch this the first time.  It looks like you are being much more vulnerable than he is, and you miss his company more the he misses yours.  You indicated that you were 'sad and missing him' and he responded that he 'didn't want to lead' you on.  I personally think and feel that you are reading too much into this interaction.  He was contacting you over a bill directly, as it was your bill, and he may have felt it was none of your friend's business what that bill was.  While it might feel strange, from my perspective it is not strange but just being courteous to you.


It partly feels he’s been in touch as he wanted me to beg/plead with him for another chance and then the opportunity for him to shut me down again?! This is where it feels very NPD as opposed to BPD.

He clearly stated he 'didn't want to lead' you on.  This does not sound like any PD is influencing his statement.


Also his last post on social media he put up with his new partner to then take it down a little while afterwards. I was told he’d been getting some stick for it by friends who’d made comments regarding the fact he’s moved on so easily / was insensitive to me etc. and just general digs from male peers about it.
Is this why it came down? Very surprised he would post to then remove. He seems to care what other males think of him than anybody else.

From what you have described it is 'peer pressure' and this has NPD overtones to it; however does it rise to a disordered level?


I want a healthy thriving relationship one that we support each other and can have good days and bad days but one where I’m not uncertain of the other persons feelings towards me. I know I shouldn’t want him still but I do,  our relationship was relatively good other than the 2 “discards” and we bounced back both time. Its sad I came to tolerate the criticism and my confidence towards the end was so low and so much walking on eggshells. I seemed to be giving so so much and him giving close to nothing. No interest in me at all, not wanting to spend time with me.

We all want a 'healthy thriving relationship'.  Tolerating the criticism is appeasing, and appeasing rarely works long term as it is an indicator of a major relationship issue.  Your perspective of you giving so much and him not so much - all of these disordered relationships seem so one-sided.  I actually recorded the number of hours on two different occasions on how much I did her top two love languages and how much she did of mine.  It should be ideally 50/50; however it was more like 135/1 which is not a relationship.  Anything beyond an 80/20 split is very unhealthy, ideally it should be less than a 60/40 split.


How can they go from loving you one minute and being super critical towards to the next?

Definitely the idolizing and devaluing aspect, otherwise known as splitting where he split you white or split you black.


Also my ex told me whilst telling 2 stories and on 2 separate occasions of instances where friends had said to him “this is what’s wrong with your relationship “ and another of “you don’t even like your girlfriend “. These comments really surprised meat the time to hear but seemed like he’d been talking about how unhappy he was with peers but never was able to tell me of any issues he had.

It sounds like the clues of his opinion of you was already there.  However, it really caught you off guard, as it didn't register with you, on both of the occasions that you heard it.  There is a term for this, but it escapes me at the moment where you are in denial of what was being said.


He never communicated his needs or that he wasn’t happy, he would either act happy or be critical but never vocalised anything else to me to try and change, it was all small critiques.

You just shared with us, where he communicated twice, he wasn't happy as you heard that he didn't like his girlfriend - who do you think his peers were referring to for his 'girlfriend'?


Part of me wants to reach out to him but after the hurt he has caused me it seems I will just have to walk away with no answers or closure

I don’t think if I spoke to him he would give me anything concrete or soothing in terms of resolution or understanding. I’m not sure he knows himself.

I wish I knew he at least missed me and thought about me on occasion.

I wish we’d just broken up but the other person was not in the picture. I wish he’d tried with me.


Since you have these lingering questions.  Even though it is unlikely he would respond.  Perhaps writing a letter, as a form of journaling might be helpful, putting these questions in a letter to him.

Frame it in a way where you reflect no desire to reconnect with him (even though this is not true; however, as he has expressed that to you, you don't want him to think otherwise so he will respond), but you would like to learn why the relationship failed, and you are confused with a list of questions.  Avoid expressions of 'missing him', but rather to gain an understand of yourself and the dynamic to help you move on as I strongly suspects he knows that you miss him from what you have shared.

Whether or not you actually send this to him, is up to you.  If you ask, be prepared for answers you may not like.


I have no children with him and no mortgage, the house he is building is his but it was our home. It seems when we moved out and lived with friends(when the home became inhabitable ) was when everything took a turn for the worst, he compared me and us to other couples as well, he seemed to think other people’s relationships were better than ours, even so far as going to compare me and him to couples on their wedding days, he seems to have a strange idea of what “love” is - it’s like he thinks it’s perfect all of the time and he used that as a reason to not be with me which makes me think he was thinking the new partner was “perfect” and what he was missing.

Well, with no children, mortgage, you can make a clean break, with a fresh start.  If I knew then what I know now, I envy your situation, being able to start 'new' again with little to no baggage.  Learn from this experience, adopt what you liked, and discard what you didn't.

On the other hand, his monkey branching to a 40 yo w/ 2 kids.  It is better that you found out about this now, before you were even more committed with him, as it would be more painful down the road to find this out later on.  Even though you are devastated, consider yourself lucky, and you dodged a bullet on this one.  Pick up the pieces, and find a better life for yourself, someone who will respect you for who you are, and not someone that you have walk on eggshells when you are around them.

Whatever you do next, be sure to take care of yourself with self-care.

Take care.

SD

[Sophie22]

Thank you ALL again for all replies and support.

**UPDATE**

I heard from my ex today. He was messaging me about flights that we had booked while still together, again he contacted me for a selfish reason to find out what was happening with the flights, then we started discussing about our stuff in storage together, all very straight forward couple of texts.

Out of nowhere he called me as if for a chat, again he asked me about flights but also I took the opportunity to say how he treated me was really awful and that I did not need to tell him what I would be doing with my own flight. I also took the opportunity to say his behaviour was shocking towards me how he could just switch out / leave like that.

He apologised and seemed remorseful and listened but could not give me any answers, he also took the opportunity to tell me that there was no overlap with the woman he is seeing now, the same woman he monkey branched to.

Does anyone have any insight into why he might be in touch now?

I'm thinking it is purely selfish reasons but then also thinking perhaps guilt has caught up on him OR perhaps he is trying to be amicable for some other reason (charm?), this is 3.5 months after our break up, after no reasons, no conversation, no nothing , him basically ghosting me after a 6 year relationship/ living together.

I am just happy to be one step closer to getting my stuff back and to have the opportunity to tell him how he hurt me.

[SaltyDawg]

He apologised and seemed remorseful and listened but could not give me any answers, he also took the opportunity to tell me that there was no overlap with the woman he is seeing now, the same woman he monkey branched to.

Does anyone have any insight into why he might be in touch now?

[...]

I am just happy to be one step closer to getting my stuff back and to have the opportunity to tell him how he hurt me.

I will take a few educated guesses as to why he is in touch now which are similar to your guesses, so I am basically validating your feelings...

  He is interested in taking the 'monkey branch' on the same trip and may want your tickets for that purpose.  If this is the case, you can use this as leverage to get your stuff back, [more likely] OR
  The 'monkey branch' isn't working out, and he may be interested in doing the trip with you (has he given you any indication this might be the case?) a 'recycle attempt' (H00VER) [less likely as he went out of his way to describe no overlap with the monkey branch]

I would focus on getting the stuff back first, then give/sell him the tickets (let him pay for the name change on the tickets) back to him and let him know at that time what you think of the matter on how much he has hurt you.

[Sophie22]

Yes he definitely wants to take the monkey branch on the trip, he essentially told me. But why doesn’t he just buy new flights? He’s got the money.

I’m just more surprised that the conversation was opened up to our old relationship when previously I’d had no luck in having any of these conversations with him in the 3.5 months we’ve been broken up.

He was actually giving me the time of day, whereas he could have cut off the chat after I said I’d be using the flight for myself.

[once removed]

I heard from my ex today. He was messaging me about flights that we had booked while still together, again he contacted me for a selfish reason to find out what was happening with the flights, then we started discussing about our stuff in storage together, all very straight forward couple of texts.
...
Does anyone have any insight into why he might be in touch now?

it sounds like he was initially in touch for the reasons he contacted you for. logistics. breakup stuff. most post breakup contact is about matters like these (more on relationship recycling here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0)

but then also thinking perhaps guilt has caught up on him OR perhaps he is trying to be amicable for some other reason

this is possible, too. you were together for six years, and then, nothing. its hard to say what is in his head, how he is processing all of that specifically, but it makes sense that hed be interested in catching up, interested in how youre doing, certainly. could it be deeper than that, eg about guilt, wanting to feel okay about each other? it could.

I am just happy to be one step closer to getting my stuff back and to have the opportunity to tell him how he hurt me.

i never got that opportunity, as much as i wanted it at the time. i never got my stuff back either. sometimes, when i think about it, a few of the things i lost really eat at me.

I took the opportunity to say how he treated me was really awful and that I did not need to tell him what I would be doing with my own flight. I also took the opportunity to say his behaviour was shocking towards me how he could just switch out / leave like that.

He apologised and seemed remorseful and listened but could not give me any answers, he also took the opportunity to tell me that there was no overlap with the woman he is seeing now,

when you take that opportunity, this is usually the best you get.

when i came to this board, i read a member say "an ex cant help you heal", and it always stayed with me. its kind of the unfairest part of a breakup; theyre the one that left you with the hurt. and that is, in part, why they cant heal it. even when an ex can give us perspective, that perspective is limited, and very subject to change.  

you can take that opportunity again. youre likely to see diminished results, and feel worse for the effort. he cant fix this for you, even if he wanted to.

Will he ever regret?

my ex left in a similar manner, after three years, only half the length of your relationship. i know the catastrophic hole it can leave when a person leaves in that manner. it is a devastating loss. i also know that we (along with the support of loved ones) are the only ones that can heal it.

ill never know if my ex regrets what she did. i dont know whether, or to what extent, your ex regrets what he did. the question is, will you be able to heal, if hes never able to give you that?

[schwing]

Hi Sophie22,

I'm guessing that a lot of your questions center around trying to understand why your BPD loved one made the choices they made.  I think one of the hardest truths to accept as a non-BPD is that your BPD loved one acted in a manner consistent with someone who has BPD, and not because of some rational misunderstanding.  Also as someone who does not have BPD, it will be very difficult for you to empathize with why they what they do.

Consider this: people with BPD (pwBPD) have an irrational fear of abandonment.  I mean no one particularly likes being abandoned, but pwBPD will see potential abandonment even when it is very unlikely (or only imagined).  And who are the would-be abandoners?  The people you depend upon; there is no consequence if someone you don't rely upon should up and leave you.  A stranger couldn't possibly abandon you. No.  Only people who are important to you could truly abandon you (if they chose to do so). So I would argue that the more they depend on someone, the more they become overwhelmed by this irrational fear that they would be abandoned.

So this is why some pwBPD can seem to be able to stay in a relationship for quite a while with little ill affect.  Long enough for the nonBPD to become very attached.  But as we (nonBPDs) grow more attached, they (pwBPD) become more and more anxious about being abandoned.  Enough so, that they start another relationship with someone else.  And it isn't about whether the other person is better than you at this that or the other thing.  It's simply about this new person triggers their irrational fear of abandonment so-much-less that we do.  

Eventually the new person will begin to affect them in the same way.  The longer the pwBPD stays with them, the more they will come to depend upon them, the more they will start to *imagine* that the new person will abandon them. Rinse and repeat.

This might be one of the reasons he reached back to you.  Now that the current "monkey branch" seems to be growing less and less secure, he's testing new branches (and old branches) just in case he needs to swing there (again).  Not my monkey, not my circus.

You mentioned that your BPD loved one behaved in ways that were uncharacteristic of them; that happens to be another BPD quality -- i.e. identify disturbances.  My understanding is that pwBPD will change their behaviors (their personality) in order to better "bond" with their current favorite person.  For this reason, they seem to act like a different person when they are with different people.  Some have described this as being "fake" as though we were the only nonBPD who was privy to their "real" personality.  The truth is that this is a *personality* disorder -- who they are is very changeable especially compared to someone who is nonBPD.

I hope some of what I write is helpful to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Sophie22]

THANK YOU all so so much for all your comments.

Maybe I am over reading into why he spoke to me at all or more so “listened” to me sharing how much he’s hurt me. I’m just surprised after so long to get the chance to say how I’d be feeling with no interruption but also to get sympathy and an apology , so contrasting to silence and complete “cut off” 3.5 months ago and nothing since. Maybe there is not much to it, but I feel it is strange.

I suppose it just shows that I am still trying to figure out how this could have have happened, my mind still makes no sense of it… maybe I am looking back with rose tinted glasses that “it wasn’t that bad” during the devaluation stage and constant criticism and disdain that was being thrown at me in the weeks before the break up.

I might just be being hopeful that perhaps his guilty conscience has caught up on him and how he’s treated me after such long term relationship.

The phone call I had today was the closest thing to a glimmer to the “old” him.

Perhaps I am deluded as realistically he called me to get flights off me for a flight for his new other person. I have a feeling it’s not the last time I will hear from him.

I will not try to get anymore answers /closure from him. The sooner we can go our separate ways and have no reason to be in touch the better.

[SaltyDawg]

Yes he definitely wants to take the monkey branch on the trip, he essentially told me. But why doesn’t he just buy new flights? He’s got the money.

I’m just more surprised that the conversation was opened up to our old relationship when previously I’d had no luck in having any of these conversations with him in the 3.5 months we’ve been broken up.

He was actually giving me the time of day, whereas he could have cut off the chat after I said I’d be using the flight for myself.

Very interesting...  If you told him that you would be using the flight for yourself...  That would put him in a very A-K-W-A-R-D position with the monkey branch, especially if it is on an airline with reserved seating where you would be sitting right next to him.  I suspect he was ascertaining where you are going to be, so he can deliberately avoid a meeting between you and the monkey branch.

Side Note:  Most pwBPD are impulsive in their spending, unless they also have OCPD (being very tight with their money, except for their FP) - depending on which study you look at there is up to a 42% codependency for men and 50% for women.

Maybe I am over reading into why he spoke to me at all or more so “listened” to me sharing how much he’s hurt me. I’m just surprised after so long to get the chance to say how I’d be feeling with no interruption but also to get sympathy and an apology

[...]

I might just be being hopeful that perhaps his guilty conscience has caught up on him and how he’s treated me after such long term relationship.

Getting sympathy and apology after a pwBPD discards you is ultra-rare - you have gotten more closure than most others ever will.  I also have gotten an apology from my pwBPD; however, the content of the apology was really 'out there' and really didn't make too much sense.

If there is one emotion that he might have, it would likely be 'shame'.  However, as long as he has his new toy 'monkey branch', which is the focus of his attention, I doubt, he will ever really express genuine remorse for the way he treated you as there is no room to process emotions in shades of gray for someone who predominately has black/white thinking.

Others have made some really good points too, and I am in agreement with those, and won't repeat them here.

Take care.

SD

[Sophie22]

I was feeling surprisingly much better over the holidays, the last 2 days I’ve been feeling so sad. Today marks 4months since we split. I’m just so hurt still that all of this had to happen

[SaltyDawg]

I was feeling surprisingly much better over the holidays, the last 2 days I’ve been feeling so sad. Today marks 4months since we split. I’m just so hurt still that all of this had to happen

I'm glad that you felt much better over the holidays - perhaps you were sufficiently distracted not to ruminate on your ex too much.

I can see how 4 months, would mark a dark milestone since the break-up, where the amount of time that has passed will likely bring less and less closure, and more disappointment, and feeling like this chapter of your life is now closed with respect as to what has happened with your ex.

I know you briefly mentioned therapy in your first post, I am wondering if you have talked to your therapist about this?  I often find comfort in talking with my own individual therapist when I have darker feelings such as sadness.

Be sure to do self-care.  Take care.

SD

[Sophie22]

Thank you as always for your replies SaltyDog.

I think that’s it I was distracted whereas now I’ve moved back to where I live and am on my own a lot more.

That’s it - time is just passing by and life is going on, I don’t feel as “stuck” as I once was but more a numbness and deeper sadness of life continuing on , I’m not going backwards or stuck but don’t necessarily feel like I’m moving forward either, trying to believe and trust that I’m using this time to “heal” even though I don’t know if it’s healing but merely passing time.

I often talk to my therapist about feeling sad, I find i just get more questions which allows me to come to my own conclusion that it was the right thing we ended, yet still sadness remains.

I will speak about it again at my next session.

Thank you again.

[Augustine]

That’s it - time is just passing by and life is going on, I don’t feel as “stuck” as I once was but more a numbness and deeper sadness of life continuing on , I’m not going backwards or stuck but don’t necessarily feel like I’m moving forward either, trying to believe and trust that I’m using this time to “heal” even though I don’t know if it’s healing but merely passing time.

It’s maddeningly slow, but healing is occurring continuously and imperceptibly nevertheless.

It’s a period where one recalibrates themselves back to normal again, and typically your friends and family will note your progress before you do.

I chose to journal both my day-to-day experiences, as well as all the disagreeable elements of the relationship, and it has proven to be invaluable.

Over seven months, I’d write a Q&A at monthly intervals using the same questions:  Is this what you expected when you left; Do you have any regrets; What do you see going forward; Is there anything that you miss; What will be your impressions of this period in hindsight; etc.

The answers to these questions remained fairly constant, then gradually changed as I became more settled. When I compare my answers at the end of the first month, to today’s, it’s like they were written by two different people.

Updating my drivers license post relationship also spoke volumes, as I no longer resemble the haggard and harried individual on my old license.

Unfortunately, one lives into one’s answers, and there isn’t a cavalcade of trumpets notifying you when you reach those points.

Brianna Wiest encapsulates the experience for more eloquently than I:

“Your new life is going to cost you your old one.
…

All you are going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are. Let it go”

[SaltyDawg]

Sophie22,

   You're welcome.

   It sounds like you are healing slowly, and even though you don't feel like you are moving forwards you are definitely not going backwards, which is a good thing. 

   They say 'time heals all wounds'; however, 'only time will tell,' quite the conundrum.

   Continue in the process, try to move forward, at a pace that is comfortable to you.

   Keep coming back, as I am curious as to your progress.

   Take care.

SD