Finally addressing my moms BPD

[U.N. Owen]

Hi all!

My mom has BPD and has run almost everyone in her life off. My dad divorced her after nearly 30 years because he had enough of her constant anger, venom, and being forced to withdrawal from his friends/family/hobbies. My brother tries to have as little communication with her as possible. I felt like I always had to step in and support her but her constant negativity and anger started obliterating my self-esteem. Nothing was right, I never did enough, she hates everyone, she's been so good to everyone and everyone just takes advantage of her. I am 29 yo and she calls/tries to call me 5-10 times a day and if I don't answer when she finally gets ahold of me she will ask what I was doing and why I didn't answer the phone. Sometimes she will hit me with a "you have a disabled mother, you would think you would have your phone on you". She also loves to throw in if I am hanging out with friends that "you spend more time with them than you do with your own mom." As the only person still around I now catch all the anger and over the last year I feel like I completely lost control of my life because of it. She's always been difficult - she told me to find somewhere else to live when I was 11ish - but there were other people around that helped dissipate it before. I am so glad I have found a support group to help work through the struggles of caring about someone who acts this way!

My therapist recommended eggshells and WOW! It entirely changed my way of thinking. When she got mad and started screaming I would get mad to and absorb those emotions and feel responsible for them like it was my fault. One of my favorite passages in the book refers to "us" as the lightning rod for it and that hit me deeply and has stuck with me and I just keep telling myself that I might have triggered it, but I didn't cause it.

[SaltyDawg]

UN Owen,

   The part that you said, "My dad divorced her after nearly 30 years because he had enough of her constant anger, venom, and being forced to withdrawal from his friends/family/hobbies." really resonates with me, especially the withdrawal part - this was perhaps the worst thing I did to myself as I lost my support system which I am rebuilding right now.

   I also resonate with "Nothing was right, I never did enough, she hates everyone, she's been so good to everyone and everyone just takes advantage of her."

   You also said, "My therapist recommended eggshells and WOW! It entirely changed my way of thinking. When she got mad and started screaming I would get mad to and absorb those emotions and feel responsible for them like it was my fault. One of my favorite passages in the book refers to "us" as the lightning rod for it and that hit me deeply and has stuck with me and I just keep telling myself that I might have triggered it, but I didn't cause it."

   I am going to point you to a book that has a lot more teeth for managing a pwBPD, to actually make it manageable, and that book is    Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad - this one is the best for managing a person with BPD.  A summary of the book can be found at https://margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/ where she specifically states that you need to tell yourself:

  I did not cause it.
  I cannot control it.
  I cannot cure it.

   You already mentioned the Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by By Paul T. T. Mason, Randi Kreger - Make sure you have the 3rd edition, as it has an excellent assessment tool in it.

Here are some more tips: 


  - Please do self-care.  You need to 'fill your cup' first, before you can help him with his.  It is kind of like the announcements to put your own oxygen mask on first when flying before helping the person next to you with theirs.  You need to have enough energy for both yourself and any you have left over can go for caring for him.


  - Don't do this alone.  I know you have a therapist.  I also believe in self-help resources that I also use many of which are free/low cost resources.

If you are looking for BPD specific help, you have this website, BPD family, you can post and ask questions 24/7 here - in my humble opinion this is by far the best resource.  NEABPD has also been mentioned, they have a long wait list, but they have a lot of videos.  I am a strong believer in self-help resources - like youtube, books, etc.

If you are looking for weekly Zoom meetings specific to BPD, sponsored (but not attended) by Randi Kreger, author of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" series of books at https://groups.io/g/MovingForward - look towards the bottom of that page for the list of Zoom meetings, some are general, others are specific.

If you think you are co-dependent, according to Google 90% of us are, CoDA can be helpful too (CoDA.org), it is not BPD specific.

NAMI has a group is for parents and/or partners (about 3/4 parents) of children with mental health disorders including BPD and other severe mental health issues which share a lot of the same challenges caring for a person with BPD.  The group I attend is 'in person' which I find is more authentic than a Zoom meeting or posting messages.


  Set strong boundaries on not accepting bad behaviours, especially rages - the "Stop Caretaking" book has some excellent tools for this.  Also, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0 is a series of workshops to help you out as well.


  - For those of your family that are 'diagnosed' if you can persuade them to go to their own individual therapy to get this addressed.  DBT is considered the 'gold standard'; however, any therapy is generally better than no therapy.  Ideally it should be IOP - Intensive OutPatient, where they do one weekly session with an individual therapist, and one group session with other BPD patients (a word of caution, if he has never been in a mental facility, they can pick up worse behaviors by comparing his behaviors to theirs).


   Ask questions, get strategies from myself and others who have had similar experiences to your own, figure out what works, and use that.


Take care with self-care.

SD

[TelHill]

My dad divorced her after nearly 30 years because he had enough of her constant anger, venom, and being forced to withdrawal from his friends/family/hobbies.

Hello UN Owen,

I have a dBPD mother and this was how I was raised. It's an awful way to live. I echo to get support and cut yourself lots of slack.  I've found the faith I was raised in to be helpful as well as CoDependents Anonymous (CoDA). I didn't realize until lately how little regard I have for myself. I am trying to undo the grooming from my childhood.