Christmas

[Depression = 72% of members]

After hosting our family Christmas every year for the past 7 or 8 years, except during covid, I am not doing that this year. For the last at least 5 years, either my sibling or uBPD Mom had some sort of disordered event...a rage, a dramatic ambulance call, a meltdown of some kind.  So, I decided last year that it was unlikely that I would ever spend another Christmas with them. However, I didn't say that out loud. I didn't want to start a war. I just thought I would not put myself through that ever again because I felt unsafe. I was open to changing my mind if it felt safe. My sibling is hosting Christmas this year in another city.

During the same week as Christmas, there is another significant event in our family, which I do not want to miss. So, I have planned my travel to arrive after Christmas for the other event and I have advised my family.

Well! Wow! I am speechless from the 2 emails I received from them. From my mother, a blast telling me how hurt and shocked she is and commanding that I change my plans and get there for Christmas to prove to my family that I love them.  And, from my sibling a long sarcastic email making all kinds of assumptions and projections about me.

I look around at my friends, and none of them have to go through this kind of behavior when they make plans and communicate them.  One of my friends said, "Well, just change your plans and go for Christmas to make peace."  But, I have always done that and the few times when I have kept my boundaries in place, it has not turned out well.  I want to spend Christmas with my friends and then attend the family event after Christmas. I do not think that is a wrong decision.

Now, I feel that there is no right answer. Either way, I have angered them and they will stay that way.

[So Stressed]

After hosting our family Christmas every year for the past 7 or 8 years, except during covid, I am not doing that this year. For the last at least 5 years, either my sibling or uBPD Mom had some sort of disordered event...a rage, a dramatic ambulance call, a meltdown of some kind.  So, I decided last year that it was unlikely that I would ever spend another Christmas with them. However, I didn't say that out loud. I didn't want to start a war. I just thought I would not put myself through that ever again because I felt unsafe. I was open to changing my mind if it felt safe. My sibling is hosting Christmas this year in another city.

During the same week as Christmas, there is another significant event in our family, which I do not want to miss. So, I have planned my travel to arrive after Christmas for the other event and I have advised my family.

Well! Wow! I am speechless from the 2 emails I received from them. From my mother, a blast telling me how hurt and shocked she is and commanding that I change my plans and get there for Christmas to prove to my family that I love them.  And, from my sibling a long sarcastic email making all kinds of assumptions and projections about me.

I look around at my friends, and none of them have to go through this kind of behavior when they make plans and communicate them.  One of my friends said, "Well, just change your plans and go for Christmas to make peace."  But, I have always done that and the few times when I have kept my boundaries in place, it has not turned out well.  I want to spend Christmas with my friends and then attend the family event after Christmas. I do not think that is a wrong decision.

Now, I feel that there is no right answer. Either way, I have angered them and they will stay that way.

[Sappho11]

It's an immensely frustrating situation.

What helps is "focusing on the outcome, not the relationship".

Your desired outcome is: go to the other family event, also save yourself the stress for Christmas with toxic family members.

You set a clear boundary (fantastic) and, if you stick to it, you'll have accomplished exactly that: you'll be at the other event and you don't have to be berated during the holidays.

Toxic reactions can be grating but know that they are not your responsibility. Your responsibility is looking out for you, which you've successfully done. Your mother and sister are adults and can and should regulate their emotions on their own. It's not your responsibility.

Rooting for you.

[So Stressed]

Thank you, Sappho11.  It helps to have my boundary acknowledged and reinforced.  I shared my problem with 3 close friends that I confide in. Two of them encouraged me to stick to my plan, and the third one, a long time ACOA friend told me to "just go" to keep peace in the family.  However, there is never peace in the family. My family members seem to enjoy hating me.   It seems to give them comfort in some  twisted way. I cannot understand why they even care that I am not there for Christmas since neither of them seems to like me.

When I received their emails, I was shell shocked since I would never write something so mean to anyone. (Maybe when I was a teenager or in my 20s before I had a lifetime of ACOA and therapy and maturity.) Then, I spent a sleepless night, and now I am crying out of sheer frustration for the hopelessness of the situation.  If I stick to my plan, I will be blamed for ruining the special event.  If I go for Christmas, they will be mean to me for a longer period of time.  It is a no win situation.

I was told that I need to change my plans to "prove" that I love them. Really toxic situation.

[CC43]

Stressed, I hope you don't let them guilt-trip you into ruining your plans.  You supported the family long enough by hosting Christmas several times, and just because you did that in the past does not mean you have to do it every year for the rest of your life.  You have a life too.  With larger and extended families, it's normal to change it up over the holidays so that you get to see as many people as possible, if not one year, then maybe the next one.  Plus, you planned to be with your immediate family during the holiday season anyway.  You can't be in two places at once.  They should be adults and understand that.  That does not give them license to send hateful emails your way, or dredge up past grievances, or guilt-trip you, or try to control you through manipulation.  That's typical behavior of someone with BPD, and the opposite of the Christmas spirit!  See that behavior for what it is--lashing out in an attempt to control you.  Don't take the emails or insults personally.  I've gotten to the point of almost laughing at the ridiculous tirades of the person with BPD in my life.  But then I see it's just pathetic--they need help.  Maybe they're jealous, maybe they feel abandoned, maybe they're just mad because you get to make fun plans, and they just don't know how to have fun.  Maybe everyone feels that way some time, but that's no excuse to ruin things and be cruel.  They need to get a life and make their own joy, like you're trying to do.  Don't let them control you or ruin it for you.  If anything, you can show them how it's done, how to have a joyful holiday with many loved ones, and if they start acting out, you separate yourself, maybe saying that the holidays are a joyful time, and you are committed to keeping it joyful.  You don't have to explain or defend your actions (people with BPD are all emotion; they won't respond to logical arguments).  I know it hurts, but it's not your fault.

[So Stressed]

Thanks CC43.  You are exactly right...that is what it is: "lashing out in an attempt to control you." That is my mother's parenting technique.  I am over 70 now and it still goes on and on and on.  I am so tired.  I am exhausted by this cycle and  I need to get off the treadmill. It is just so hard.

[kells76]

Hi So Stressed;

Your plan makes a lot of sense. It would be a very normal thing to have other plans around Christmas, and to try to balance those plans by making compromises. That is normal range behavior. Many families are not able to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day, and celebrate on other days, or add another day of celebration for those who cannot attend one. Many newlyweds alternate Thanksgiving with one side of the new family and Christmas with the other, switching off years.

All that to say -- the choices you made were normal range choices, and normal range family members would say something like "Well, even though we're disappointed you can't make it for the 25th, it'll be nice seeing you on the 28th, drive safe!" That is a functional way to express disappointment.

Instead, you received dysfunctional and abnormal responses, that "invited" you to take on others' feelings, instead of them taking responsibility for their own feelings. It's no wonder you were shell-shocked and in tears.

What's the hardest part of getting off the treadmill? It sounds like you're well aware of the dysfunction, so it isn't an issue of lack of awareness?

Is grief part of it?

[So Stressed]

Hi Kells76

Thank you for validating my decision making.  I thought through carefully what to do and made a decision that I thought was a reasonable one, and then the rage came and made me question myself.  I try so hard to maneuver a loving and peaceful relationship with my family and it seems so impossible. Despite their dysfunction, I love them. I am alone and I don't want to be without family, but they make it so hard to be peaceful.  Thankfully, I did not reply to the emails last night. I "slept on it" and I am still thinking about my response.  I am not planning to justify my decision or apologize for it.  I am planning to state that I am looking forward to seeing them and sorry to hear that they are disappointed.

You asked: What's the hardest part of getting off the treadmill?  I think they will reject me completely and I will have no family.  They have threatened that before.  I have been told that if I don't do what they want that I won't have a family.

Sadly, I always knew that my sibling had some issues, such as being a bit of a hermit and lacking social skills, but in the last few years, the rage has come out and I think maybe both of them are uBPD.  They gang up on me and they tell others that I am "a problem."  I do not really think I am the problem. I have spent years in ACOA and therapy for BPD mother.

[kells76]

You asked: What's the hardest part of getting off the treadmill?  I think they will reject me completely and I will have no family.  They have threatened that before.  I have been told that if I don't do what they want that I won't have a family.

That's a huge fear. I think all of us want to have loving parents and siblings, and even if we can see that there are hurtful and behaviors, rejection and "unpersoning" by family would be deeply painful.

If you allowed yourself to think through a hypothetical situation where they did that, how do you think you would feel? What would the hardest part be, if they totally rejected you and said you did not have a family? Grief? Shock? Pain? Depression? Something else?

They gang up on me and they tell others that I am "a problem."  I do not really think I am the problem. I have spent years in ACOA and therapy for BPD mother.

That's good that despite them saying you're the problem, you're in touch with reality and know that despite what they say, and maybe even say in an emotionally convincing manner, that is not true and you are not the problem.

I wonder if you can apply the same rationality to their threats about "you won't have a family"?

They can say whatever they like, but that doesn't make it true. What would be true might be more along the lines of: "If they reject me and won't associate with me, it doesn't mean I don't have a family. I still have a family, it's just that my family members are making hurtful choices. They can't just say the magic words and then I'm not really their child or sibling. If they say that, then I get to decide how much or if I interact with them. They don't get to change the past, present, or future with their words."

It doesn't mean the threats don't hurt, though 

[So Stressed]

The threats make me feel like a throwaway person who has no value.  I have been a good person to my family, but for whatever reason, I get to be the scapegoat.  I think that both Mom and my sibling are disappointed in how their lives have turned out, but that is not due to anything I have done. They have not pursued their dreams. I have.  That seems to be a source of their anger...jealousy that I am having a good life. Maybe their mental health issues are a barrier to pursuing their dreams.

I have spent the day trying to recover from the venom.  I posted here, walked with a friend, talked to a couple of other friends, said some prayers, did a workout, and I am feeling a little better.

They quite likely will totally reject me at some point. They have been moving toward that.  It seems like they look for a fight all the time. From talking to friends, I have found that many of my friends have siblings, children, parents that they don't talk to, and they are surviving.  So, I guess if it happens, I will survive and I have a lot of friends. That is not what I want, but I don't know if they are capable of love or healthy family relationships.

[So Stressed]

I feel that my Christmas situation is just getting worse because I can't seem to phone. Usually, in life, if something needs to be resolved with someone, I pick up the phone and have a peaceful 2-way communication about it.  But, with my family, that usually ends up in a disaster.  They can't communicate other than trying to bully me into doing what they want.  We have been communicating by email and I have not said anything rude or unkind.  I have not "explained myself" or done anything to give my power away.  I was going to phone this morning, and then another email arrived from my sibling, which I have not yet read because I don't think it will be positive.  And, I had an overwhelming intuition that it was not a good time to phone Mom, so I put the phone down and came here.

I have prayed, done some visualizations of having the call turn out well, and I will try a little later to see if I can make the call.

[CC43]

Stressed, I hope you can find a way to relax and not let the venom get to you.  It sounds like your mother and sister are disappointed that you made other plans for Christmas. It's normal to feel some disappointment, but most people accept it and move on. Unfortunately, your family are holding onto that disappointment, blowing it out of proportion and using it as an excuse to rage at you. They probably won't stop until they get what they want. That's similar to a tantrum, or bullying. Do you see it that way?

People with BPD often believe that they are being mistreated. Almost nothing you can do or say will convince them otherwise.  If you understand that, then maybe you can understand their emails?  Maybe the emails aren't worthy of a further response? If you do respond, I'd be inclined to keep it brief and upbeat: "I'm sorry you're upset that I already made other plans for Christmas, but I promise to call on Christmas Day, and I'm looking forward to spending time with you on New Year's Eve," or something along those lines.

[So Stressed]

Stressed, I hope you can find a way to relax and not let the venom get to you.  It sounds like your mother and sister are disappointed that you made other plans for Christmas. It's normal to feel some disappointment, but most people accept it and move on. Unfortunately, your family are holding onto that disappointment, blowing it out of proportion and using it as an excuse to rage at you. They probably won't stop until they get what they want. That's similar to a tantrum, or bullying. Do you see it that way?

Absolutely! I see it as bullying.  That's our family dynamic.  Bully and rage until they get what they want, and in the past, I usually caved.

People with BPD often believe that they are being mistreated. Almost nothing you can do or say will convince them otherwise.  If you understand that, then maybe you can understand their emails?  Maybe the emails aren't worthy of a further response? If you do respond, I'd be inclined to keep it brief and upbeat: "I'm sorry you're upset that I already made other plans for Christmas, but I promise to call on Christmas Day, and I'm looking forward to spending time with you on New Year's Eve," or something along those lines.

Yes, I did respond briefly in a tone like you suggest.  I do not plan to engage in further emails on this topic (unless, of course, they are polite and kind).