Asking your spouse with BPD for a seperation

[Depression = 72% of members]

What if your spouse has bpd and you ask them for a separation so you're not enabling their behaviors anymore?  Been walking on eggshells for years as his favorite person but also having to be the person who gets him off the suicidal edge all of the time.  It's exhausting!
The rollercoaster of emotions has been goin on for over ten years and our 8 year old son is starting to lie to me and hide his feelings so it doesn't upset his dad.  I bought him a workbook from Dr. Fox November 17th and he's done the assessment and one activity so far.  I told him that I think we needed to separate and work on ourselves and he refused to go to his sister's house or my parents house.  He said he'd sleep in the car, I can't do that so he's still home.  I've researched bpd and his triggers, but it's still happening and I can't do it anymore.  I guess I am an enabler.  I am hopeful that he works on himself genuinely as I know that bpd is hard work and can be debilitating.  Our 8 year old son has a physical disability, which makes me even more burnt out, he is cognitive and very smart. 
He told me that he refuses to leave because it's his house too and at least was very calm about it (typically he wouldn't be).  He said that he didn't want to be away from us and just couldn't do it.  He told me he'd do couples therapy and I reminded him that he said that two weeks ago so I wouldn't figured he found one already.  I told him that we need to live in separate households, but to co parent together.  He thinks it's ok if he just sleeps in the office and I said no we need to not be living together.  I did say that if he refuses to leave after the holidays then the kids and I would move out.  I mean what do you do when they refuse to leave?? 
I talked to him again a couple days later (yesterday) and still held down that I wasn't going to change my mind about not living together after the holidays.  He still refuses to leave the house and doesn't see it as a problem because he's working on it.  He's in therapy and has been for almost 5 years now, but it's still a constant rollercoaster of rides.  I cannot believe that he refuses to leave when it's easier for the kids and I to stay home since it's ada compliant!  I don't think he believes me when I say that I will take the kids and move to my parents.

Please help!

[clp82]

What if your spouse has bpd and you ask them for a separation so you're not enabling their behaviors anymore?  Been walking on eggshells for years as his favorite person but also having to be the person who gets him off the suicidal edge all of the time.  It's exhausting!
The rollercoaster of emotions has been goin on for over ten years and our 8 year old son is starting to lie to me and hide his feelings so it doesn't upset his dad.  I bought him a workbook from Dr. Fox November 17th and he's done the assessment and one activity so far.  I told him that I think we needed to separate and work on ourselves and he refused to go to his sister's house or my parents house.  He said he'd sleep in the car, I can't do that so he's still home.  I've researched bpd and his triggers, but it's still happening and I can't do it anymore.  I guess I am an enabler.  I am hopeful that he works on himself genuinely as I know that bpd is hard work and can be debilitating.  Our 8 year old son has a physical disability, which makes me even more burnt out, he is cognitive and very smart. 
He told me that he refuses to leave because it's his house too and at least was very calm about it (typically he wouldn't be).  He said that he didn't want to be away from us and just couldn't do it.  He told me he'd do couples therapy and I reminded him that he said that two weeks ago so I wouldn't figured he found one already.  I told him that we need to live in separate households, but to co parent together.  He thinks it's ok if he just sleeps in the office and I said no we need to not be living together.  I did say that if he refuses to leave after the holidays then the kids and I would move out.  I mean what do you do when they refuse to leave?? 
I talked to him again a couple days later (yesterday) and still held down that I wasn't going to change my mind about not living together after the holidays.  He still refuses to leave the house and doesn't see it as a problem because he's working on it.  He's in therapy and has been for almost 5 years now, but it's still a constant rollercoaster of rides.  I cannot believe that he refuses to leave when it's easier for the kids and I to stay home since it's ada compliant!  I don't think he believes me when I say that I will take the kids and move to my parents.

Please help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi clp82, welcome to the boards  You're in good company with so many others who are struggling to problem-solve with a spouse with BPD.

Sounds like you are realizing that living together with your BPDh is a nonstarter as long as he stays at the level of functionality and behavior that he's at.

You're floating the idea of a separation, and I notice you haven't mentioned divorce. Is divorce on the table for you, do you think? Or are there some reasons you're thinking just separation?

What would your hopes and goals be, if he did end up moving out and you were separated? Would getting back together be an option at all? If so, what do you think it'd take (on your end, on his end)?

That's frustrating yet not surprising that he didn't follow through with setting up couples therapy. Sometimes couples T's can assist in a separation. If that's a big goal for you right now, I wonder if it'd be worth it for you to just set up the appointment (even if he "should have") -- to get the ball rolling with seeing a professional and maybe getting a professional to assist with the structure of the separation.

...

This stood out to me:

Been walking on eggshells for years as his favorite person but also having to be the person who gets him off the suicidal edge all of the time.  It's exhausting!

I can imagine the total exhaustion coming from feeling like you have to talk him down.

What approach do you usually try?

Have you ever tried anything different? Do you think you'd be open to trying something new?

...

Fill us in whenever works for you;

kells76