Advise needed! Self sabotaging stbxh-physically and financially burning himself

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Please advise.

I’m going through divorce from my UBPD husband, I live hundreds of miles away from him as fled DV and have interim full custody of the children.

This week I have been informed that he’s in a significant amount of mortgage arrears. The mortgage product term has come to an end and the previous low interest has reverted to 6x the tracking rate ie from 1.7 to 7% .
My stbxh still lives in the family home and for the past 7 months I’ve been living away from him with the children he’s done nothing to renegotiate the mortgage and had not paid any child maintenance. He’s now requesting that I ask the child maintenance service not to go after him because the monthly payments for mortgage has doubled and he is in arrears. But he wasn’t paying the mortgage before the costs doubled.

Burning himself to the ground:

I saw him a few weeks ago and he is looking extremely thin. Months before he assaulted me and until I physically left he was working out excessively 7 days a week to the point that he was doing damage to his body. He had to see his doctor as a result of this.
I’m quite concerned that the his exercise obsession is turning into an addiction and he is unable to work, and that the bank may repossess the property. My share in the equity at 50/50 is close to $100k before fees and all.

My question now is :
Is there a way I can advise him without falling back into old traps. In the past I managed everything to do with the mortgage. I think he can put the house up for rent and borrow the amount needed to pay me off,, that way he won’t struggle to remortgage the property. I know I’m being selfish here but it’s sort of a win-win situation instead of a possible repossession. My name is not on the mortgage or title but I hold marital rights.
The property is currently on the market for sale but things are really slow and I can imagine he is sabotaging the sale to delay matters in court. He has mentioned that the agents were showing the property to unserious buyers.
 
Also, at this point, with the mess he’s created with not paying child support,( he paid a meagre amount around £20 , just to make jest of the process,) I’m reluctant to arrange a supervised visit over the holidays. I’m not obliged to allow him contact with the children but I did a few weeks ago with support from a social worker. He wants to see them at Christmas. I can’t stand the sight of him.

[Tangled mangled]

Please advise.

I’m going through divorce from my UBPD husband, I live hundreds of miles away from him as fled DV and have interim full custody of the children.

This week I have been informed that he’s in a significant amount of mortgage arrears. The mortgage product term has come to an end and the previous low interest has reverted to 6x the tracking rate ie from 1.7 to 7% .
My stbxh still lives in the family home and for the past 7 months I’ve been living away from him with the children he’s done nothing to renegotiate the mortgage and had not paid any child maintenance. He’s now requesting that I ask the child maintenance service not to go after him because the monthly payments for mortgage has doubled and he is in arrears. But he wasn’t paying the mortgage before the costs doubled.

Burning himself to the ground:

I saw him a few weeks ago and he is looking extremely thin. Months before he assaulted me and until I physically left he was working out excessively 7 days a week to the point that he was doing damage to his body. He had to see his doctor as a result of this.
I’m quite concerned that the his exercise obsession is turning into an addiction and he is unable to work, and that the bank may repossess the property. My share in the equity at 50/50 is close to $100k before fees and all.

My question now is :
Is there a way I can advise him without falling back into old traps. In the past I managed everything to do with the mortgage. I think he can put the house up for rent and borrow the amount needed to pay me off,, that way he won’t struggle to remortgage the property. I know I’m being selfish here but it’s sort of a win-win situation instead of a possible repossession. My name is not on the mortgage or title but I hold marital rights.
The property is currently on the market for sale but things are really slow and I can imagine he is sabotaging the sale to delay matters in court. He has mentioned that the agents were showing the property to unserious buyers.
 
Also, at this point, with the mess he’s created with not paying child support,( he paid a meagre amount around £20 , just to make jest of the process,) I’m reluctant to arrange a supervised visit over the holidays. I’m not obliged to allow him contact with the children but I did a few weeks ago with support from a social worker. He wants to see them at Christmas. I can’t stand the sight of him.

[SaltyDawg]

Tangled Mangled,

   I am not familiar with UK law.  If you have an attorney, I would recommend doing a brief consult with them for those exact questions, if you can't afford an attorney, are there any pro-bono ones that help with these kinds of issues?

   Since your name is not on the home, if possible attach a lien on it, so when he does sell it, he will be compelled to pay you 50% of the net proceeds after all of the fees.

   Since he has been previous violent, if you have a restraining order, follow it, also is there anyone at the court where you can obtain advice?  Just a few thoughts.

   Paying 20 quid for child support is a joke.  Follow your gut, obtain advice so you don't find yourself not following the rules.  If you do allow him to see the children, make sure you have a good well-thought out safety plan, and meet in a public place with a lot of people.

   Take care with self-care.

SD

[Tangled mangled]

Tangled Mangled,

   I am not familiar with UK law.  If you have an attorney, I would recommend doing a brief consult with them for those exact questions, if you can't afford an attorney, are there any pro-bono ones that help with these kinds of issues?

   Since your name is not on the home, if possible attach a lien on it, so when he does sell it, he will be compelled to pay you 50% of the net proceeds after all of the fees.

   Since he has been previous violent, if you have a restraining order, follow it, also is there anyone at the court where you can obtain advice?  Just a few thoughts.

   Paying 20 quid for child support is a joke.  Follow your gut, obtain advice so you don't find yourself not following the rules.  If you do allow him to see the children, make sure you have a good well-thought out safety plan, and meet in a public place with a lot of people.

   Take care with self-care.

SD

SD,
Thank you. Since reading your reply I have had a chat with my solicitor, who has advised to try to negotiate with the ex but be prepared for a contentious divorce proceedings.
Over here I am eligible for legal aid- so won’t cost a lot to go to court. I have already started the process of financial remediation but my solicitor had sent the ex a letter with a proposal.
As expected from a pwbpd tge goal post keeps changing so I m now ready to put on my big girl pants and boots to hand him over to the court- I expect he will fried to charcoal at the rate he’s going.

I will be getting popcorn and watching it afar. I’m not a good girl anymore, enough is enough.

Thank you again

[EyesUp]

Tangled Mangled,

Sorry for your ordeal. 

I don't have experience with UK law, but I would guess that if no one is presently living in the house, it may be possible to force some action sooner rather than later.  It sounds like you and the kids are settled elsewhere, and the house is presently vacant and listed for sale.  If magistrates are anything like US judges, they appreciate constructive solutions - and the win-win you have in mind seems super reasonable. You might need some legal help to convert a proposal to binding agreement.

In the US, someone in your position (child support in arrears) would file a motion of contempt.  If you already have a support order, has the divorce been finalized and was there a prior agreement or order re: division of assets or disposition of the marital home?  Since you're not on the deed or mortgage, is there anything you can do to show that you previously managed the mortgage process?  Probably a good idea to be prepared to explain why you stopped... just in case.

Glad to hear that you're in touch with a solicitor.  Best of luck!

[PeteWitsend]

SD,
Thank you. Since reading your reply I have had a chat with my solicitor, who has advised to try to negotiate with the ex but be prepared for a contentious divorce proceedings.
Over here I am eligible for legal aid- so won’t cost a lot to go to court. I have already started the process of financial remediation but my solicitor had sent the ex a letter with a proposal.
As expected from a pwbpd tge goal post keeps changing so I m now ready to put on my big girl pants and boots to hand him over to the court- I expect he will fried to charcoal at the rate he’s going.

I will be getting popcorn and watching it afar. I’m not a good girl anymore, enough is enough.

Thank you again

Good.  You don't owe him anything and his own self-destruction isn't your fault or your responsibility.

[Tangled mangled]

Tangled Mangled,

Sorry for your ordeal. 

I don't have experience with UK law, but I would guess that if no one is presently living in the house, it may be possible to force some action sooner rather than later.  It sounds like you and the kids are settled elsewhere, and the house is presently vacant and listed for sale.  If magistrates are anything like US judges, they appreciate constructive solutions - and the win-win you have in mind seems super reasonable. You might need some legal help to convert a proposal to binding agreement.

In the US, someone in your position (child support in arrears) would file a motion of contempt.  If you already have a support order, has the divorce been finalized and was there a prior agreement or order re: division of assets or disposition of the marital home?  Since you're not on the deed or mortgage, is there anything you can do to show that you previously managed the mortgage process?  Probably a good idea to be prepared to explain why you stopped... just in case.

Glad to hear that you're in touch with a solicitor.  Best of luck!

Thanks for the reply EyesUp

The property is not vacant, he’s living in it and accruing mortgage arrears. The property is in his name but over her I have what is called matrimonial rights ie it’s a condition that has to be removed on sale or remortging of the property. It prevents disposal of the property without my consent.
The CMS- ie child maintenance service has powers to enforce debt collection but I don’t know how the child maintenance arrears will play out in court. I will look into this-ie tge contempt part..

There isn’t a child support order yet as the CMS works very slowly but once they get to the point, I guess they will lay a heavy hand on him.
Thank you

[Tangled mangled]

Good.  You don't owe him anything and his own self-destruction isn't your fault or your responsibility.

The worst thing I find about being a codependent is my lack vengeance or retaliation towards someone that’s hurting me. I find myself taking responsibility for his welfare and even though I know what has to be done eg let the courts fry him burnt , I find myself still taking care of him. He’s out for blood, still blaming and twisting every bit of information.

I will have to print this as a reminder as I proceed on the war path.
Thank you

[ForeverDad]

The worst thing I find about being a codependent is my lack vengeance or retaliation towards someone that’s hurting me.

My separation and divorce are nearly two decades in the past, but I too lacked that 'umph' over the years about all the discord and distress my ex caused.

[SaltyDawg]

The worst thing I find about being a codependent is my lack vengeance or retaliation towards someone that’s hurting me. I find myself taking responsibility for his welfare and even though I know what has to be done eg let the courts fry him burnt , I find myself still taking care of him. He’s out for blood, still blaming and twisting every bit of information.

I will have to print this as a reminder as I proceed on the war path.

TangledMangled,

   I agree you must defend yourself against his twisting of his version of the truth into a perversion of a false narrative.  Being codependent does make it more difficult, as we often stay too long in situations that hurt us.  Take the high road, offer constructive solutions to end the relationship as amicably as possible without having to revert to tit for tat "vengeance or retaliation" towards him.  It must feel incredibly frustrating, disappointing, and discouraging, that he is behaving in this manner.

   Document everything; however, please avoid lowering yourself to his level, use BIFF communication whenever you must communicate with him, as you don't want to antagonize him any more than this already has and only make a bad situation worse.  Do share everything with your solicitor/attorney so they know how to properly manage the proceedings.  Only you can look out the best interest of your children and yourself, as obviously he has absolutely no incentive to do otherwise.  What does your legal advisors advise you to do?

   Borderline men will actually follow through with suicide more often than not if they see absolutely no way out, I have seen it a few times before where a woman comes back here to report that their exH killed themselves as they couldn't handle the terms of the divorce as they found it overwhelming.  Have your solicitor offer up solutions like the one you suggested about renting the marital home to cover the mortgage, and live in a small flat until he can get his finances under control.  You want to make the best of a bad situation.

   From what you have described it is likely that he is becoming more and more desperate.  If he chooses to end his life over this (9% do, unless he has new 'supply', a new love interest), you did not cause this, and it won't be your fault, even though it will likely shake you up.  Also, find out now what your options are, legally, if he does this, so it will not come as a shock.  You don't want to push him over the edge, yet at the same time not be a pushover by releasing his financial obligation to your children by granting his request for less/no child support.

   Be firm, show empathy, support his need to find a solution, but stick to the truth of the damage that he is doing to you and the children in a manner that is as least confrontational as possible, use the solicitor if possible, as he will realize that they know the rules that he needs to abide by.

   Be sure to take care of yourself with self-care.

   Take care.

SD

[Tangled mangled]

TangledMangled,

   I agree you must defend yourself against his twisting of his version of the truth into a perversion of a false narrative.  Being codependent does make it more difficult, as we often stay too long in situations that hurt us.  Take the high road, offer constructive solutions to end the relationship as amicably as possible without having to revert to tit for tat "vengeance or retaliation" towards him.  It must feel incredibly frustrating, disappointing, and discouraging, that he is behaving in this manner.

   Document everything; however, please avoid lowering yourself to his level, use BIFF communication whenever you must communicate with him, as you don't want to antagonize him any more than this already has and only make a bad situation worse.  Do share everything with your solicitor/attorney so they know how to properly manage the proceedings.  Only you can look out the best interest of your children and yourself, as obviously he has absolutely no incentive to do otherwise.  What does your legal advisors advise you to do?

   Borderline men will actually follow through with suicide more often than not if they see absolutely no way out, I have seen it a few times before where a woman comes back here to report that their exH killed themselves as they couldn't handle the terms of the divorce as they found it overwhelming.  Have your solicitor offer up solutions like the one you suggested about renting the marital home to cover the mortgage, and live in a small flat until he can get his finances under control.  You want to make the best of a bad situation.

   From what you have described it is likely that he is becoming more and more desperate.  If he chooses to end his life over this (9% do, unless he has new 'supply', a new love interest), you did not cause this, and it won't be your fault, even though it will likely shake you up.  Also, find out now what your options are, legally, if he does this, so it will not come as a shock.  You don't want to push him over the edge, yet at the same time not be a pushover by releasing his financial obligation to your children by granting his request for less/no child support.

   Be firm, show empathy, support his need to find a solution, but stick to the truth of the damage that he is doing to you and the children in a manner that is as least confrontational as possible, use the solicitor if possible, as he will realize that they know the rules that he needs to abide by.

   Be sure to take care of yourself with self-care.

   Take care.

SD

Thanks SD,

Tbh I get really worried about him ending his life, every time he ignores the childrens call over the weekend, I get anxious.

He’s seeking to see the children over the holidays so I grant supervised contact at a public space- that’s my version of an olive branch as I’m not obliged to permit contact.

I was hoping he’ll agree to a consent order - ie he had said he was happy to share the proceeds of sale 50/50 but after my solicitor made a proposal stating the same, he’s backed off and now wants me to pay for utility bills for the family home. Looking for every way to reduce my share.

He wants the court to decide- even though it’s very likely he will get far  less than 50%- this is the war path imo. All I need to do is attend court and the court handle it.he has refused to get a solicitor.

It exhausting .

I’m hoping he moves on with a new supply, it just my move things a little bit.
Thank you.

[SaltyDawg]

Tangled,

   I wrote you prior to the site corruption, it seems my initial response went on walk-a-bout, so I will respond again.  It was one of two messages that I am re-writing to you and another, and I am sorry to take so long to respond for a 2nd time.


Tbh I get really worried about him ending his life, every time he ignores the childrens call over the weekend, I get anxious.

This is always a possibility; however, if he has not specifically mentioned ending his life, please try not to get worked up with anxiety that he may actually do it - most, not all, will telegraph their intent well before they do something this extreme.  It could be a simple statement like "I feel like I want to end everything" or it could be much more specific. 

However, if he has had specific ideation on suicidal behaviors that would be a different story.  Can you refresh my memory if he has had any ideation, and if so, how extensive is it?  If not, my only advice is to not completely entrap him with no escape, even though you shouldn't have to do this, make sure he feels that there is always a viable alternative, even if it is not desirable - you don't want him to feel that there is no hope, as that is when bad things can happen.


He’s seeking to see the children over the holidays so I grant supervised contact at a public space- that’s my version of an olive branch as I’m not obliged to permit contact.

Given the circumstances, that sounds fair and reasonable, even though you are under no obligation to do so.  Make sure you have a good safety plan in place.  If he doesn't know where you live in the new place, take precautions (like parking a few blocks away) so he cannot figure this out.


I was hoping he’ll agree to a consent order - ie he had said he was happy to share the proceeds of sale 50/50 but after my solicitor made a proposal stating the same, he’s backed off and now wants me to pay for utility bills for the family home. Looking for every way to reduce my share.

That would be ideal; however, do put yourself in his shoes - he is going to lose a lot more than you, since he has less financial discipline and possibly less income too, as he has become thin, perhaps not being able to afford food, or could be as a result of depression too.  Have some sympathy empathy, but be firm as to not shortchange your children and yourself too.


He wants the court to decide- even though it’s very likely he will get far  less than 50%- this is the war path imo. All I need to do is attend court and the court handle it.he has refused to get a solicitor.

Grant him his wish then, even though he will get even less this way.  Even though this too will likely become your fault too (according to him) - with the blame shifting.  You do what they want, and it is still your fault - ugh!  You are damned if you do, and you are damned if you don't.  Call his bluff/suggestion.


It exhausting .

Do a lot of self-care to re-energize.  It will continue to be exhausting until it is all over.


I’m hoping he moves on with a new supply, it just my move things a little bit.

I think this might be a bit of wishful thinking on your part, as no woman / partner would be with someone who is so financially irresponsible, unless they were that way too and that is a perfect recipe for self-destruction.


Thank you.

You're most certainly welcome.

Take care.

SD

[Tangled mangled]

@SD,

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

He’s accepted my offer to see the children over Christmas, I’ve chosen a nice location.

About SI: he’s not explicitly stated any intention to end his life but had insinuated that if he loses his family ie us, he will have no reason to live. He earns enough money but is deliberately unemployed- reduced working hours to evade child maintenance. He’s not too broke to buy expensive protein shakes and exercise equipment. He is thin due to excessive workouts. I actually called the police to do a welfare check on him as he was not responding to the childrens call, I don’t know if they did but for some reason he responded to my email within a few hours of my request to the police.

Before I met him, he was obsessed with working and saying money and he actually contributed most of the funds for the deposit for buying the property, this is what he’s hanging unto in trying to reduce my share of the equity. If I was dealing with a decent human being , I would have proposed a fairer proposal taking into account his initial contribution's to the property purchase. But after reading the letters he sent and received from a solicitor a year ago-an intro meeting, he proposed I should get  nothing.

He earns more than I do atm, perhaps my income prospect is more promising than what he will ever dream of earning but atm I’m a little above the breadline.

He’s using withholding child maintenance to punish me.

Thanks for the sound advice. Although I have encouraged him to do the right thing, I will at this time wash my hands clean and let the courts handle it. He may decide to do the right thing in the end.

He appears to have 60/40 of BPD/NPD and I hear the NPD is  ‘protective’ against suicide- but who knows?

Thanks again

[SaltyDawg]

TangledMangled,

Thanks for the update.  Here are some more of my thoughts on your most recent comments.


He’s accepted my offer to see the children over Christmas, I’ve chosen a nice location.

I am happy for your children.  Hopefully he can keep it together.  Please make sure you have a safety plan in place - if you do, you probably won't need it, but if you don't...


About SI: he’s not explicitly stated any intention to end his life but had insinuated that if he loses his family ie us, he will have no reason to live. He earns enough money but is deliberately unemployed- reduced working hours to evade child maintenance. He’s not too broke to buy expensive protein shakes and exercise equipment. He is thin due to excessive workouts. I actually called the police to do a welfare check on him as he was not responding to the childrens call, I don’t know if they did but for some reason he responded to my email within a few hours of my request to the police.

This indicates that the thought has crossed his mind, at a minimum this is a yellow flag if this a one-off type statement, as you mentioned NPD, which his deliberate under-employment would seem to suggest.  If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it too much, unless he mentions SI again...


Before I met him, he was obsessed with working and saving money and he actually contributed most of the funds for the deposit for buying the property, this is what he’s hanging unto in trying to reduce my share of the equity. If I was dealing with a decent human being , I would have proposed a fairer proposal taking into account his initial contribution's to the property purchase. But after reading the letters he sent and received from a solicitor a year ago-an intro meeting, he proposed I should get  nothing.

I see your point, and agree with your feelings on this matter - if he were to be reasonable you would; however, as he is being unreasonable, you are as well.  Know your rights, you need to protect your children.


He earns more than I do atm, perhaps my income prospect is more promising than what he will ever dream of earning but atm I’m a little above the breadline.

He’s using withholding child maintenance to punish me.

...and he is also punishing his children - he just doesn't realize this.


Thanks for the sound advice. Although I have encouraged him to do the right thing, I will at this time wash my hands clean and let the courts handle it. He may decide to do the right thing in the end.

I personally feel that the courts will compel him to do what the law says in this matter, which should be the 'right thing' - he will likely have a bit of contempt - at least you can redirect his anger from you towards the courts so it might not be quite as bad.  I wish you the best of luck.


He appears to have 60/40 of BPD/NPD and I hear the NPD is  ‘protective’ against suicide- but who knows?

My previous relationship was a uBPD/NPD/+ combo, she had no suicidal ideation at all.  With her I cut my losses and ran as fast I could once I figured out she had tried to cheat on me for a 2nd time only for me to run into the arms of my current uBPD/OCPD wife who has had 6 suicide gestures/attempts over the years and additional ideations.

Just keep your eyes open to his SI, and if he does it again, adjust your strategy to not push him over the edge (with exaggerated emotions), especially if you are counting on the maintenance for your children and him having a reasonable relationship with your children.

I hope your holidays are as drama free as possible, enjoy them as much as you can.

Take care with self-care. 

SD

P.S.  I plan on taking a small break for the holidays, I should be back Thursday or Friday.

[Tangled mangled]

TangledMangled,

Thanks for the update.  Here are some more of my thoughts on your most recent comments.


He’s accepted my offer to see the children over Christmas, I’ve chosen a nice location.

I am happy for your children.  Hopefully he can keep it together.  Please make sure you have a safety plan in place - if you do, you probably won't need it, but if you don't...


About SI: he’s not explicitly stated any intention to end his life but had insinuated that if he loses his family ie us, he will have no reason to live. He earns enough money but is deliberately unemployed- reduced working hours to evade child maintenance. He’s not too broke to buy expensive protein shakes and exercise equipment. He is thin due to excessive workouts. I actually called the police to do a welfare check on him as he was not responding to the childrens call, I don’t know if they did but for some reason he responded to my email within a few hours of my request to the police.

This indicates that the thought has crossed his mind, at a minimum this is a yellow flag if this a one-off type statement, as you mentioned NPD, which his deliberate under-employment would seem to suggest.  If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it too much, unless he mentions SI again...


Before I met him, he was obsessed with working and saving money and he actually contributed most of the funds for the deposit for buying the property, this is what he’s hanging unto in trying to reduce my share of the equity. If I was dealing with a decent human being , I would have proposed a fairer proposal taking into account his initial contribution's to the property purchase. But after reading the letters he sent and received from a solicitor a year ago-an intro meeting, he proposed I should get  nothing.

I see your point, and agree with your feelings on this matter - if he were to be reasonable you would; however, as he is being unreasonable, you are as well.  Know your rights, you need to protect your children.


He earns more than I do atm, perhaps my income prospect is more promising than what he will ever dream of earning but atm I’m a little above the breadline.

He’s using withholding child maintenance to punish me.

...and he is also punishing his children - he just doesn't realize this.


Thanks for the sound advice. Although I have encouraged him to do the right thing, I will at this time wash my hands clean and let the courts handle it. He may decide to do the right thing in the end.

I personally feel that the courts will compel him to do what the law says in this matter, which should be the 'right thing' - he will likely have a bit of contempt - at least you can redirect his anger from you towards the courts so it might not be quite as bad.  I wish you the best of luck.


He appears to have 60/40 of BPD/NPD and I hear the NPD is  ‘protective’ against suicide- but who knows?

My previous relationship was a uBPD/NPD/+ combo, she had no suicidal ideation at all.  With her I cut my losses and ran as fast I could once I figured out she had tried to cheat on me for a 2nd time only for me to run into the arms of my current uBPD/OCPD wife who has had 6 suicide gestures/attempts over the years and additional ideations.

Just keep your eyes open to his SI, and if he does it again, adjust your strategy to not push him over the edge (with exaggerated emotions), especially if you are counting on the maintenance for your children and him having a reasonable relationship with your children.

I hope your holidays are as drama free as possible, enjoy them as much as you can.

Take care with self-care. 

SD

P.S.  I plan on taking a small break for the holidays, I should be back Thursday or Friday.

Thanks SD,

It really helps to feel heard.

Here’s wishing you and yours a drama free holiday season and enjoy your  break.

Take care of yourself too.
TM

[ForeverDad]

He earns enough money but is deliberately unemployed- reduced working hours to evade child maintenance. He’s not too broke to buy expensive protein shakes and exercise equipment.

He’s using withholding child maintenance to punish me.

This reminds me of a California case years ago where the father quit working as a doctor and started flipping burgers.  Court ruled he had to resume working at his skill and income level.

Courts get quite peeved when parents who could earn decent income play games.  The question is, can you document that he is purposely working less than before and the economy is not a factor?

[Tangled mangled]

This reminds me of a California case years ago where the father quit working as a doctor and started flipping burgers.  Court ruled he had to resume working at his skill and income level.

Courts get quite peeved when parents who could earn decent income play games.  The question is, can you document that he is purposely working less than before and the economy is not a factor?

@FD

This is one of the challenges I’m facing because the nature of his permits him that flexibility. His employment is not permanent but he gets enough work . He can choose to work as little or as much as he likes.

When we were together he worked obsessively over 70hours per week and was never too tired. I had issues with this pattern because he was absent from home while emotionally abusing me for not working as much . I had no say in anything as he was the main earner. The relationship fell apart after COVID when although his earnings were reduced but he became deliberately under employed as he had some inheritance money to live on.

It will be difficult to prove to the court that he is deliberately under employed even though his industry is always in high demand for workers

[Tangled mangled]

So the supervised contact took place.
The children were happy to see dad, he gave them financial gifts, money and gift vouchers worth 2 weeks of child maintenance that he has avoided paying.

He’s looking really thin, it’s really sad.

I wonder if he’s appearance is deliberate to win over the judge in court especially division of assets. I have hear people on this site speak about the victim-look. I wonder if he is perfecting this.

I know he’s not that keen on having the children stay with him for longer periods because that would mean he’s ‘helping’ me.

[SaltyDawg]

So the supervised contact took place.
The children were happy to see dad, he gave them financial gifts, money and gift vouchers worth 2 weeks of child maintenance that he has avoided paying.

He’s looking really thin, it’s really sad.

I wonder if he’s appearance is deliberate to win over the judge in court especially division of assets. I have hear people on this site speak about the victim-look. I wonder if he is perfecting this.

I know he’s not that keen on having the children stay with him for longer periods because that would mean he’s ‘helping’ me.

TM,

Thank you for the update.  I am glad that your children were happy to see dad.  Even though he paid two weeks worth of child maintenance directly to your children with gift vouchers and money - do you think it was a ploy to rub your nose in this, as he is willing to directly help his children, and avoid you altogether to make you look bad to the children?

I don't think his thinness would be a factor, unless he directly stated to the judge that he cannot afford to feed himself.  Or, if he were to wear worn out clothing, perhaps even some with holes in them.  You know him the best, so you should be able to answer this question the best as you have had first hand observations of him and his demeanor.

Take care.

SD

[Tangled mangled]

@SD,
It does seem it was done intentionally to show he has money and can pay for things, it’s the intentional emotional cruelty of a pwbpd.

Even is Christmas jumper had a message on it.

I tend to assess his behaviour from too many angles but I know he has gone in court in the past crying and acting in distress and got a judge to sympathise with him. In the financial court I can see this working in his favour if a judge can wrongly assess that he is in a poor state of some sort. In the family court, I can see how I might leverage this- he’s clearly not in a healthy state to make decisions for the children.

Thank you