So my "father" isn't my father at all.

[Sappho11]

Backstory: I reconnected with who I believed to be my father this summer, after 30 years. He told me a grand story how he and my mother had been in love all their lives. They had started out as penpals from different countries, but due to the distance as well as the class difference (he was working class and my mother rather bourgeois), it never worked out. He first visited her when they were 18 and they instantly fell in love. However, she kissed someone else at a party and they argued, and he left. He sent her desperate love letters from back home and they eventually made up. They'd always meet up over the years, despite being married to other people, and I was the result of one of those meetings. After my mother's death, he looked for me for three decades but didn't manage to find me, until I found him this summer. This was the story he told me, and I believed it. This year, he introduced me to his wife, her adult children, his adult sister and her spouse as "his only daughter". He has another one but she's estranged from him.

In the past few months, I saw him become increasingly erratic and fantastical, and doubt began to set in. He not only acted like a bad father, he actually acted as if he wasn't my father at all. So I started looking into former friends of my late mother's, hoping to get a different side of the story.

I managed to track down a lady who was friends with my mother for 25+ years, and who even knows my "father" personally because she met him at that abovementioned party when they were 18. I just got off the phone with her and what she told me blew my mind.

He and my mother were penpals; that much is true. He also visited her in the late 1960s when they were 18 – but it was against her will. Apparently she had explicitly told him not to travel to see her because she was engaged, but one day he showed up regardless. It was awkward for everyone because he expected to be put up in her house. At that infamous party, my mother ended up dancing with her fiancé, and my "father" had a rageful outburst (sound familiar?). He was kicked out of the house and went back to his country the next day.

Over the next twenty-five years, he'd periodically send her letters or try to call. My mother never responded, until the early 1990s. She was newly divorced and had a little girl to care for (me – so he's definitely not my bio father as he claims); also, she was periodically ill (she'd later die of cancer). In this vulnerable position, they reconnected, and he travelled to meet her again. He was super-charming at first and promised her the world: that he'd get divorced, move to her country, adopt me, the whole lot. My mother was touched but mistrustful, kept him at arm's length and the relationship platonic, and told him to go back to his wife and daughter, think it over well, and only get back to her if he really was divorced and free to leave.

He showed up at her door again another year later: still not divorced, still without prospects. My mother tried to turn him away and they got into a terrible fight, to the point that she feared for her safety, kicked him out of her house (again), grabbed me and drove us both to her friend's place (the one who was telling me this on the phone).

He went back to his country but kept bombarding her with letters, to the point that my mother eventually sold the house and moved to an apartment. (This summer when I told him that we'd moved house, he had a rageful outburst and told me he felt "betrayed", which I couldn't at all explain at the time, but which definitely makes sense now.) And that was the end of it.

tl;dr
I just learnt that the man who claimed to be my long-lost "father" of 30 years and who introduced me as his "daughter" to half of his family this summer turns out to have been nothing but a penpal/stalker of my mother's who had a lifelong, unrequited obsession with her.

Wow. Just wow. So many thoughts right now. I'm going to go for a walk to clear my head now.

[Notwendy]

Wow, what a story. I am sorry. He sounds like a real creep - both to your mother and to you.

I wonder if you have considered DNA testing? I hear it is becoming more common that people find a surprise "match" in the family.

[Sappho11]

Wow, what a story. I am sorry. He sounds like a real creep - both to your mother and to you.

I wonder if you have considered DNA testing? I hear it is becoming more common that people find a surprise "match" in the family.

Thank you for your sympathy, Notwendy. I'm still trying to process everything. So many things make sense now. But there are also a lot of mixed emotions: a sudden sense of loss (despite having lately gone NC with him anyway), anger, disgust about having been used as a literal prop in some twisted fantasy, shock that somebody would tell a literal orphan such an egregious lie about effectively both their parents, but also guilt towards my "step-family" – all lovely people who have also been lied to, and now that I know, I'm essentially a party to this fraud. I really don't know what to do. I feel they should know, but I don't know what consequences this would have for them or for me.

I talked it over with a friend the other day and she asked: "Are you relieved that he isn't your father after all?" I suppose I am, but this is buried quite deep at the moment, there are so many other feelings to work through. I'm mostly in shock right now.

I've asked another, old college friend who's now a psychiatrist for help, and we'll talk later today. Maybe he'll know what to do – especially regarding whether or not to tell my step-family, and how to move on from here.

[Sappho11]

Sorry Notwendy, just realised I didn't answer your DNA suggestion. Did you mean one of those tests where your DNA gets compared to a database?

[Notwendy]

Yes-

This happened with a distant family relative- we were contacted by someone who through a DNA test, found his father was related to us. Apparently a few generations back, his biological father had a fling with his mother before he married to someone else, and this man was the result. I think this kind of discovery has become more common. Back in the day, it was hidden and babies born from affairs were raised by other family members or adopted.

Some family members met with him. Apparently he wasn't interested in more of a connection with his unknown family. He was curious and had some questions which were answered. The decision was left up to him and the door was left open if he wanted further contact.  I don't know the outcome- this is a more distant relative connection but I did hear about it.

It may be that you would find a match somewhere that could answer your questions. As per your "father" - that's another example of disorder and poor boundaries. Some people only want to meet out of curiosity. It's best to let the person decide on that new relationship.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Sappho-

I am so very sorry that you’re going through this… what an emotional nightmare.

I hope you were able to get some comfort and direction through speaking with your friend who’s a psychiatrist.

I’m thinking that Not Wendy is right in suggesting that a DNA test would be a good direction for you to consider if you’re truly interested in finding out who your father is.  Lately I’ve watched a few episodes (in the US) of “Long Lost Family”… very interesting and emotional stories of  adoptees searching for their families.

Finally, if you haven’t already done so, maybe hold off on contacting the pen pal man’s family for now.  This may be further upsetting for you and them, until you have real facts through DNA testing to confirm the truth one way or the other.

Again, I am so sorry that you’re having this pain.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Methuen]

Wow Sappho.  That’s a lot to process.  It must feel like quite the betrayal.  It sounds like he had some obsession- creepy. 

It’s good that the truth has come out.

Good for you for listening to your intuition and doing some digging to learn the truth.  Better to learn it sooner.  Well done for following those spidy senses. 

[Mommydoc]

I am stunned by your post Sappho11.  I have been following your story and so impressed with your self awareness and how you have navigated this roller coaster with your “father”.   Your instinct to learn more about him from your mother’s friend was a good one and congratulations for pursuing it and learning the truth. 

I can’t begin to imagine what you might be feeling, and agree it will take a long time to work through and process.  My advice is to sit with it as long as you need to and resist the urge to take actions until you have really worked through your feelings.  It’s a lot and you may need to take one thing at a time. Figure out what is most important to you in this moment. 

I, for one, am incredibly relieved for you.   No better way to get a disordered family member out of your life than to discover they are not and never have been your family.  The truth has set you free of him.  I understand your friends comment but also your feeling of relief being buried so deep below the utter shock of learning the truth of your situation. 

It is understandable to want to reach out to your “step family” as  they are intertwined in the drama, but until you have sorted your feelings out, and understand why and what you want from that interaction, I would wait.   I worry that it could pull you back into the drama with this man, who you absolutely must maintain your NC status with.   

Take care of yourself and pace yourself.   Right now you don’t need to “do” anything.  It may be OK to just “be” with yourself and your feelings. 

[SaltyDawg]

I just learnt that the man who claimed to be my long-lost "father" of 30 years and who introduced me as his "daughter" to half of his family this summer turns out to have been nothing but a penpal/stalker of my mother's who had a lifelong, unrequited obsession with her.

Wow. Just wow. So many thoughts right now. I'm going to go for a walk to clear my head now.

...and the 'truth' shall set you free...

That is quite a story.  I am sorry for your loss (of the father you never really had in the first place); however, I am happy that you have found the truth, so you have a lot less to worry about (FOG) moving forward.  You also have a more complete picture on how irrational this man is, and can take appropriate action.

Take some time and do some self-care for yourself, enjoy the holidays as much as you can.

Take care.

SD

[Sappho11]

Hello everyone, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. And my apologies for the late reply. I had to travel abroad and upon my return home I promptly got knocked out by the flu. I'm still in bed but thought I'd give an update.

Going back to my home country for a few days actually helped a lot in processing all of this. I've emigrated earlier this year and this little trip back home showed me it was the right decision to leave my country. Still, the visit back home put me in touch with who I used to be, with all the things I'd built up from nothing. I also met a few friends and talked things over with them. And while I wouldn't want to move back, it was fortifying to be given the feeling of "If things don't work out, you can always come back here". I may not have a family but I have a home country that I do love despite its many current flaws, a hometown whose local culture is a central pillar of my identity, and lovely friends who care about me and who would welcome me with open arms if I ever did decide to return. That was utterly grounding and did me a world of good.

I also feel that I now understand all of these wonderful people much better. For a brief five months, I got to experience what it is like to have family problems. Before that, having no family at all, I always used to feel separate from the world and utterly alone. The whole episode with my mother's stalker was disturbing, but most crucially, it has brought me closer to the good people whom I can trust and love, because I now feel like I can intuitively relate to their struggles even with this limited experience of family, whereas before I'd had absolutely no reference point. I cannot stress the benefit of this enough. My friends feel better understood and so do I. It's as if I'd mentally gone from "atomised freak of nature" to "actual normal human being". Most importantly, I can now be a better, more empathetic friend to the people I care for. It really feels as if a lifelong curse of emotional isolation has been lifted, and these past weeks I've experienced a general sense of peace and quiet cheerfulness that I've never known before.

In the meantime, I've also talked to my psychiatrist friend about what I should do regarding my "stepfamily". He was adamant that I do NOT confront the stalker, and especially not to expose him. My friend said that he has dealt with many obsessive, personality-disordered patients in his practice, and that their obsessions with another person can VERY quickly turn into obsessions of destruction - especially when their own entire existence is threatened. He asserted that my current situation was like a "golden ticket": the stalker thinks it is him who has broken off contact, so there's no narcissistic injury and very little danger for me at present. If he ever writes again, I'm supposed to not reply. That way, the sick man can uphold his mental narrative of being the one who called the shots ("I guess I showed her", "she's not worth any more trouble anyway" etc) and hopefully I'll be out of the line of fire for good.

I told him my ethical qualms, that the "stepfamily" should probably know though? My friend responded that "self-protection trumps protecting others", that there was everything to lose for me and precious little to gain for anyone, and that the truth has a habit of coming out at some point anyway. He added that my "stepmother" would likely start wondering herself why the once-beloved, well-adjusted daughter was so suddenly ousted from the picture with no warning or reason, that it was just a matter of time for her to put two and two together and at least begin seeing the stalker for the disordered man he is.

So, all in all... now that the initial shock has worn off and a good way forward is in place (i. e. lay low and not poke the bear), I actually feel a lot calmer about the whole thing. It's outrageous to be sure, but the good thing about a difficult biography is... I've seen a lot worse. Bouncing back really does get easier. I'm just so, so glad I dodged the bullet of legally binding myself to that sick man as a daughter, and grateful about the sense of connection this experience has given me to the actually good, trustworthy people in my life... so as disturbing as that episode was, I can't help but perceive a major net benefit that wouldn't exist if any of this hadn't occured.

Onwards and upwards. Thank you all again for your support.

[EyesUp]

@Sappho11, There's a novel or at least a screenplay in your life story.

I'll echo Mommydoc's comment - I've followed your posts and your self-awareness and very articulate way of expressing what's happened are always striking and impressive.

You've expressed the idea that you don't have a family many times. While I can appreciate why you feel this way, I'll offer one idea:  Over time, we all lose our grandparents and parents - if we know them.  Eventually, all we have are our friends and children - if we have them.  Aging and loss are something we all share.  While your younger years are unique, it sounds like you do have an extended community of friends and colleagues - and many new chapters ahead.  In this sense, your family is whoever you chose to invite in - including members of this community, the BPDFamily.

I think the DNA profile idea might be an interesting one.  I'm a 5th generation American - my ancestors immigrated to the US earlier than many, at the end of the 1800s.  Yet my 23andme genealogy profile shows that I have many cousins living in Eastern and Western Europe, South Africa, and South America, today.  A DNA profile may help you find other living relatives - and connect with them if you wish (you can opt to do this anonymously as well).  Simply learning more about your family tree may be a way to reframe your experience, or at least to replace uncertainty with a sense of agency.

Again, you have a remarkable story - I hope it will give you strength - "Pain is weakness leaving the body"