Imminent death of my BPD mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

BPD mother was ambulanced to hospital last week. She survived, but her time is growing short.

I've known the day of her unreconciled death was coming for over twenty years. I knew nothing would change, nothing has. Still, this sucks in ways I had not anticipated. Its very hard to even process how I feel about it.

I wish she had been able to love the gift that I was as a child. I wish she had been able to be who she was at her best all the time, or at least to not have descended to a worst so far that the best was rendered meaningless. I wish, I wish, I wish, but those wishes will never come true.

I have my own family, a wonderful, loving, supportive wife, and children who are growing into themselves as fine people in their own right, in an environment of love and support. I'm proud of that. But my wife can't really understand, can't really connect on this, because her own family is just normal. One of my sisters is the enmeshed Golden child and will never face any of the PLEASE READ that happened. My other sister is NC herself and gets it, but she's so absorbed in dealing with her own trauma there's not much left to share much with me. I feel so totally alone in this.

[stellaris]

BPD mother was ambulanced to hospital last week. She survived, but her time is growing short.

I've known the day of her unreconciled death was coming for over twenty years. I knew nothing would change, nothing has. Still, this sucks in ways I had not anticipated. Its very hard to even process how I feel about it.

I wish she had been able to love the gift that I was as a child. I wish she had been able to be who she was at her best all the time, or at least to not have descended to a worst so far that the best was rendered meaningless. I wish, I wish, I wish, but those wishes will never come true.

I have my own family, a wonderful, loving, supportive wife, and children who are growing into themselves as fine people in their own right, in an environment of love and support. I'm proud of that. But my wife can't really understand, can't really connect on this, because her own family is just normal. One of my sisters is the enmeshed Golden child and will never face any of the PLEASE READ that happened. My other sister is NC herself and gets it, but she's so absorbed in dealing with her own trauma there's not much left to share much with me. I feel so totally alone in this.

[kells76]

 

I wonder if you already lost the mom you should have had, a long time ago? Is it like she is passing away, for the second time?

I don't know -- it sounds complex.

BPD permeates every aspect of family life.

 

[Notwendy]

You aren't alone. I don't have the words to describe how you are feeling but I do understand.

My BPD mother is elderly and still living. However, she recently was very ill and in the hospital. Her doctors felt she wasn't able to comprehend their treatment and so were calling me. She has threatened S in the past and her elderly version of it is to say she just can't go on any more. That isn't true- she wants everything done but the hospital staff took this at face value and called hospice. Hospice came to see her and she told them to go away.

Before they visited her though, they called me. I was at work. Getting a call from hospice was a shock. I had all kinds of feelings. One was disbelief. People at work were being considerate- but they don't get what this feels like. I didn't know what to feel. I did feel emotions but could not name them. I did feel empathy and pity for her suffering and sad for her. I was upset.

Fortunately for her, she made a full recovery.

I am sorry for the imminent loss of a person who is in the position of  being your mother. How much she embodies that role- that can vary. You feel what you feel and even if it's different from what other people feel, it isn't wrong. Take care of yourself.

[stellaris]

@kells.  It is complex, and yes it's true I lost her long ago, or really never had the the "real mom" I needed.   So it is like losing her a second time - or at least for good with no hope of a change.  Not again, that there ever was one.  On the one hand, I've been resigned to this for decades.  On the other hand, the flat reality is it would have been easier, far easier if she'd died long ago.  On the third hand - she's my mom and it kills me that I couldn't help her more and can't help her more as she goes through the end of her life.

And it kills me that she couldn't love me the way I needed or probably in the way she wanted to. 

@notwendy - funny story from the last time she was in serious medical trouble.  She had cancer, got it removed.  In ICU she was bleating on about the waste of medical resources on an old woman when it should be reserved for young people who needed it.  This is her typical martyr bullPLEASE READ.  I asked her if she wanted me to pull the plug.

First and only  time in my whole life she had nothing to say.   

I guess I can still find a smile.  Tx guys

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother wants everything done for her. She didn't want to sign a DNR- and that is her choice to make, so when Hospice called me, I was shocked. She would not have asked for this so I thought that the situation was dire. She had been complaining to the staff and they thought she meant she didn't want to continue with her medical treatment but she didn't mean that. Once she saw Hospice coming into her room she told them to leave.

[stellaris]

Thats - I have to say it - darkly humorous.

"This treatment is horrible!  I don't want to live!  Who are these people?"

"They'll take off the machines and off to to the hospice so you can die in comfort and dignity."

"Nono!  Anything but comfort and dignity!"

[Notwendy]

I think this kind of humor would shock people who have not dealt with this situation. I see it as a coping mechanism. Kind of "if you don't laugh, you will cry" type of thing. Sometimes my BPD mother will say or do something so out of the ordinary, my response is to laugh. It's actually sad - but I think coping with humor can be a good thing.

[GaGrl]

I think this kind of humor would shock people who have not dealt with this situation. I see it as a coping mechanism. Kind of "if you don't laugh, you will cry" type of thing. Sometimes my BPD mother will say or do something so out of the ordinary, my response is to laugh. It's actually sad - but I think coping with humor can be a good thing.


I have to agree. My mom was in hospital, rehab, home health, then home hospice for 7 months. If my husband and I didn't have a sense of humor about what was going on, we would have gone insane.

[EyesUp]

I think this kind of humor would shock people who have not dealt with this situation. I see it as a coping mechanism. Kind of "if you don't laugh, you will cry" type of thing. Sometimes my BPD mother will say or do something so out of the ordinary, my response is to laugh. It's actually sad - but I think coping with humor can be a good thing.

Two things spring to mind:
1) Woody Allen:  "This food is terrible. And the portions are too small!"  (Annie Hall)
2) I forget who, but someone advocated that one way to disrupt and potentially neutralize disordered thinking is to demonstrate an authentic, sincere response: which includes laughing at the absurd, if only to demonstrate the absurdity

[EyesUp]

One more:

Pain is weakness, leaving the body.

Sometimes, the most we can hope for is to address some of the trauma - enough for the pain to resolve.  We can't get back lost time.  We can't get back fairness, reciprocity, understanding, or certainly not appreciation.  In the end, we likely need to grant those things to ourselves rather than seeking them elsewhere.

My sympathy to Stellaris.

[zanyapple]

I wonder if you already lost the mom you should have had, a long time ago? Is it like she is passing away, for the second time?

I am sorry for the imminent loss of a person who is in the position of  being your mother. How much she embodies that role- that can vary. You feel what you feel and even if it's different from what other people feel, it isn't wrong. Take care of yourself.

@kells76 @notwendy Wow these hit me hard. It's similar to that graphic I saw where it says something like, "The person who rescued me in my childhood is my adult self" which made me really sad...

[Tassielass]

stellaris, I'm so sorry. What a truly horrible situation.

What you've shared resonates for me. I find much commonality with your thoughts and feelings.

I wish she had been able to be who she was at her best all the time, or at least to not have descended to a worst so far that the best was rendered meaningless.

I had this same reoccurring thought just yesterday.

In a nutshell, my 77 uBPD (probably NPD too) mum's mental and physical health is quickly deteriorating and she won't listen to doctors advice (mostly b/c we can't get her to see a doctor) or go to a therapist. We have no idea if she's actually really sick (she looks anorexic, has increasing physical functioning issues and cognitive deterioration) or, if she's creating things wrong with her for attention and to not feel alone. In either case her fear and desperation is overwhelming. It takes every ounce of my being to keep the guilt at bay. And the sadness of it all, that's something else entirely!

"This treatment is horrible!  I don't want to live!  Who are these people?"

"They'll take off the machines and off to to the hospice so you can die in comfort and dignity."

"Nono!  Anything but comfort and dignity!"

He he he.. Yep

I think this kind of humor would shock people who have not dealt with this situation. I see it as a coping mechanism. Kind of "if you don't laugh, you will cry" type of thing. Sometimes my BPD mother will say or do something so out of the ordinary, my response is to laugh. It's actually sad - but I think coping with humor can be a good thing.

@Notwendy, I totally agree!

[schwing]

Hi Stellaris,

I've known the day of her unreconciled death was coming for over twenty years. I knew nothing would change, nothing has. Still, this sucks in ways I had not anticipated. It's very hard to even process how I feel about it.

I lost my uBPD mother a few months ago.  I think it's important that you give yourself the space (and resources/help if necessary) to process how you feel about it.  It does get better; but sometimes you need to go through things to get past them.

For me, I think I've spent the last several decades grieving over the mother I thought I had (or wanted) and had come to terms with the mother I actually had.  Last year I we spent (what I imagined might be) the last holidays together, had some family portrait taken, and subsequently had kind of a nervous breakdown -- but this was before my mother had actually died.  In retrospect, I think I actually grieved for her then which seems odd to me still, but I have no other explanation of what I went through.

Since her death this year, I've been somewhat relieved.  It's been more than that of course, but mostly, relief.  It's not that I wanted her death.  I just wanted it in a manner that did not crush the rest of my family (siblings and father) in the process.  And I am thankful we got that.

I wish she had been able to love the gift that I was as a child. I wish she had been able to be who she was at her best all the time, or at least to not have descended to a worst so far that the best was rendered meaningless. I wish, I wish, I wish, but those wishes will never come true.

I also wish my mother had taken the opportunity to appreciate how blessed she was in her lifetime before she died; she had many blessings: comfortable home, dutiful children, and she recovered from many ailments.  But I also accepted that it was her choice to spend her remaining days in the manner she chose: anxious, unhappy, stubborn and at a (emotional) distance.  I had always believed that so long as she was alive, she had the opportunity to come to terms with her issues.  But after her death, I can trust that she is no longer suffering.

One of my sisters is the enmeshed Golden child and will never face any of the *** that happened. My other sister is NC herself and gets it, but she's so absorbed in dealing with her own trauma there's not much left to share much with me. I feel so totally alone in this.

I think your sister will still have her own issues to contend with; "golden children" have it different but none of it is any better or easier.  I was the "golden child" for at least some of the time.

I don't think it can be helped to feel alone though.  Though you have siblings, the mother you lost was different from the mother they lost.  You shared some experiences in common, but the relationship you had was not like the relationship they had.  I don't think it was any better or worse; but it means that you will not be able to agree on what kind of mother she was; which is a common experience for the children of borderline parents.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[TelHill]

Sorry stellaris,

My 90 year old dBPD mother has been close to death twice and has survived. My feelings for her are complex.

I was close to a PD disordered individual for many years and broke it off. Their behavior ended  the positive feelings I had for them.  They died unexpectedly a year later. I was shocked that this death sent me through levels of grief and pain. I certainly didn't love or even like them. Nonetheless, I thought I wronged them, felt guilty,  felt confused about positive feelings towards them. I also felt I despised them and it was completely their fault.  I was all over the place emotionally. It was an unpleasant but necessary few years to reach forgiveness and acceptance. It's sad when I think about their death but it's a relief. I expect something similar when my disordered mother passes. 

My dBPD mother has been cruel and sadistic towards me all my life. It's never changed. I have to do NC or LC not to become agoraphobic.  I believe she was born with severe bpd with periods of psychosis.   My dad is in denial and I have an older brother who is npd and a gc.  I have felt alone or felt like a single parent to my parents. 

I do hope neither of my parents suffer any longer after they pass. This mental illness or condition is too big of burden to carry.

[Mommydoc]

Stellaris, NotWendy, GaGrl, Tassielass, Schwing, and TelHill, I appreciate your shared stories. While my experience differs as my pwBPD is my sister, I still deeply resonate with your feelings.  I've been a caregiver to my wonderful mother for the last 13 years. Like you, I have long anticipated the end of my Family of Origin (FOO) with my mother’s passing.   Perhaps like you, I had a dormant unrealistic hope for a stable relationship with my sister ( some day!) post-estate settlement that I had not acknowledged or processed.   Unfortunately( and predictably),  since my mother passed away 2 months ago,my sister  has completely dysregulated and is threatening a prolonged legal battle that would deplete both our inheritances. Despite expecting challenges, I am not as prepared for what I have been experiencing as I thought I was.  I had to break LC with her, and as a result, the emotional roller coaster that I am now on with her is exhausting. Love bombs one day, threats the next, agreement one day, followed by a complete reversal.   I did not predict the level of  manipulation, lies and threats she would stoop to.  Trust language doesn't guarantee fairness with her, revealing the complexities of our situation. I have offered her a very generous settlement which favors her significantly in hopes we can both avoid giving everything to attorneys and mediators, the one area we seem to agree on. I suspect she will decline, as it doesn’t “punish me” enough.  I am, however, very confident that if/when it moves into a legal battle, that I will prevail, so I am setting a boundary with my last offer.  It doesn’t really matter where it goes from here, it is all just very yucky.  My parents would be so disappointed.  I have reconciled myself to the fact that I not only lost my mother, but I have also lost my sister.  I didn’t think I would care about that, as I objectively knew we would never be able to have a civil relationship, but like you Stellaris, I do.   It is going to take a long time to process and heal from both losses. 

Kind of "if you don't laugh, you will cry" type of thing. Sometimes my BPD mother will say or do something so out of the ordinary, my response is to laugh. It's actually sad - but I think coping with humor can be a good thing.

NotWendy, thank you!  I concur – the absurdity of it all is quite striking. My therapist found some of my sisters comments so amusing that he couldn't help but laugh. While I'm selective about sharing these moments with others, it's a delicate balance between processing the tragic sadness and humor in the situation.   Laughter does help.   

Woody Allen:  "This food is terrible. And the portions are too small!"  (Annie Hall)

Eyes Up , that is perfect!   In retrospect, I wish I had written down all of the absurdisms to look back at one day.  I am hoping to put this all in the rear view mirror soon and  with that hope to find it all a lot funnier than it feels right now.   

I  have my own family, a wonderful, loving, supportive wife, and children who are growing into themselves as fine people in their own right, in an environment of love and support. I'm proud of that. But my wife can't really understand, can't really connect on this, because her own family is just normal.

  Stellaris , I wish you peace and healing on your journey.  Like you, my husband and kids don’t really understand.  That is why this forum is so helpful.  Take your time and be kind to yourself.   You deserved so much from your mother than you got.   I am happy that you have such a wonderful family and hope you can anchor to them as you process and work through the complicated emotions related to your mother’s death. 

[Notwendy]

Mommydoc, I am so sorry to hear what your sister is doing. It seems she'd rather see all the inheritance gone through legal action than to even preserve some of it for herself. Although she needs the money - it seems her wish to "punish" you is greater. The unfortunate aspect of this is that she's only really going to hurt herself.

I also suspect my BPD mother is spending her money recklessly with some vindictiveness as a motive. She knows exactly what she's doing and the financial risk she's putting herself into- and she doesn't care. I think, like your sister, there's some punitive motivation.

I understand the shock at seeing this behavior during a time of grief. My BPD mother was very cruel to me at the time of my father's passing. While I know it's not good to hold on to a resentment, and I don't- once you see this kind of behavior, it's not possible to unsee it. I saw a side of my mother I didn't imagine. You have now seen an aspect of your sister.

Here is the thing Mommydoc- for someone to act like this, they must have so much turmoil and misery in their thinking that drives this. It is hard to be the target of her behavior- but you have a treasured relationship with your mother and the memories of that.

[Mommydoc]

Thank you NotWendy. 

once you see this kind of behavior, it's not possible to unsee it. I saw a side of my mother I didn't imagine. You have now seen an aspect of your sister.

It is so true. I have seen something I will never be able to un-see.  It all makes me incredibly sad for her.  After multiple phone calls in a morning, I was feeling pretty worn down.  I almost didn’t answer when she called me a 4th time, but I knew she was spiraling, so I did.   She had “ that voice” the really harsh, high pitched one that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up when she said “ how are you mommydoc”.  I calmly replied, “ I’m good, what’s up?”, She said ..”on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being best sister ever, and 1 being you can’t stand me, how do you feel about me right now?” It was clearly a no win question, so I took a deep breath, paused and said “ I love you”… her response, “good, I will take that as a 9”.   It was hard not to laugh, but it was also so incredibly sad and pathetic.  She knows she is treating me horribly and I don’t think she believes I should love her.  I vacillate between hating this disorder and feeling empathy for how painful it must be to “ be her”  with frustration about being her punching bag and target.   This forum has been so helpful, in helping me learn the tools to focus on myself and my own self care. 

I recall you sharing how cruel your mother was when your father passed.  The grief from losing someone so important in our lives is hard enough to bear without the nastiness.  Each of our stories is different, but learning to focus on ourselves and self care  in the face of loss,  is the common thread. 

[GaGrl]

My mother had some BPD traits but most certainly was not fully BPD. She knew there were areas of difficulty in her relationships but never sought therapy. As we lived together in her final years, we talked about her stepmother who was full-blown but undiagnosed BPD/NPD. Once, only once, my mother said wistfully, " I think SM is the reason I am the way I am."

As her stepmother was in hospital dying (because she gave no one a health proxy and had never adopted my mother), I saw my mother agonize over the relationship and actions over which she had no control. I know my mother was never fully free of her step mother's control and cruelty until age 65, when her SM died.

Death comes with enormously conflicting emotions.

[Notwendy]

Yes, it does. I grieved the loss of my father. There were days I'd look at the clock and it was 2 pm and I would still be in pajamas. I cried a lot. Along with the grief there was an odd feeling of relief. Why? I was sad that he was gone, how could this feeling be there?

The relief was that the triangle- I could choose the relationship with my BPD mother. Part of my relationship with my father included complying with BPD mother and allowing her behavior. The relief was that- I didn't have to fear his disaproval.

If there's relief, it's not necessarily because the person is gone. We may miss them very much- but perhaps because other feelings, like fear, have changed. This can feel very confusing to have a mix of feelings but it doesn't mean there's less grief.

[Notwendy]

Mommydoc- what is it that your sister actually wants from the inheritance? Seems she won't settle on an amount, gets verbally abusive, and then calls you up to ask if you love her.

One thing I have noticed with BPD mother is that- it is diffucult to get resolution because, with resolution- the drama and conflict are also resolved. Drama and conflict are how she relates to people. Drama and conflict- this is the foundation for her close relationships. The relationship depends on this.

So, rather than vindictiveness- could be that your sister fears that once the inheritance is settled, so will be the relationship. Emotionally she doesn't want to have it settled. Your offer- a generous settlement in her favor seems reasonable and logical. Emotionally she doesn't want to settle because as long as the two of you are in conflict- you are in an emotional relationship.

I think this is also the motive for my mother to not resolve issues and to not agree on them. It could also be why once there is a solution to an issue- she undoes it. She may want a solution, but emotionally she needs the conflict so she feels there's a relationship.