Alcohol factor?

[campbembpd]

Hi everyone, I'm still so new to this. My wife has uBPD and I literally didn't know what BPD was until a 5-6 weeks ago when our therapist started mentioning the borderline traits that come out of my wife. I'm reading stop walking on eggshells and it's been very emotional. Living with this for so many years (married for 25) and not ever knowing what was happening. I was so confused by things for so many years. But I'm learning and trying to understand as much as I can. I can't help but have a lot of dispair about saving our marriage which I want to do so much but the episodes, the rages and abuse have gotten so bad I am coming up with exit strategies for when she's activated. Which I expect will activate her more.

Anyway as I'm learning about this light bulbs are going off about things that have been in our or her history that now make sense. One thing is this got so so bad 6 years ago when we moved out of state to a new place. I'm trying to make sense as to why it got so bad and I can think of a few things that happened at that time. Just wondering if any or all of this makes sense. It's gotten so bad and at levels it was never at before we moved.

• We moved to a different state where she had a big support system, lots of friends and worked p/t in a medical setting. Even 6 years later in our new state she only has a couple of friends, no one super close, she doesn't socialize much except for the occasional lunch and book club once a month, she works from home in a private medical counseling practice and I'm her main and most of the time only social / adult connection.
• She's bored a lot and started drinking more, we both started drinking more during Covid
• She had a hysterectomy several years before moving out of state and in our new location she found a good HRT doc and started. There were some big swings and changes when she started there. It's mostly leveled out but still seems to have surges from the testosterone that make her more aggressive

I'm encouraging her and she actually thought getting a p/t job a day a week at a facility. I think she should work 2-3 days a week to be out of the house. We're in our late 40's and it seems like a big challenge to find new friend groups, not to mention Covid put a hold on a lot of social opportunities for 2+ years.

More often then not she'll have a glass of wine in the afternoon (she's had 2 so far today at 4pm). Some days it may only be 1-3 glasses total but some days she'll drink 1, 2 or even 3 bottles. There is definitely a correlation to her acting out / rages and alcohol. Me and my DD are always on extra alert if mom's tipsy... She didn't drink this much before we moved. It seems to have made it worse. I should have taken note when we were very first together, before we were married she would come back to my apartment wasted after a night out with the girls and wake me up to have fights with me. At least back then we had make up sex. The drunk fights happened a lot then when our kids were young she didn't drink so much, the partying slowed down. For a while. Now I honestly think she's just bored and can't think of anything else to do and it's such a habit for her.

I've 'tried' to stop or cut back drink 4-5 times over the past couple of years but I'm her drinking buddy and she doesn't like it. She's been okay for a week or 2 after I stop then she'll have an episode and tell me she doesn't want to be married to someone she can't have a drink with. She says she feels like a lowlife drinking alone (if we go out for dinner). Her favorite thing to say is she's "always looking for fun" and I'm a drag and no fun if I'm not drinking. Eventually I cave like always and drink with her. 

But don't get me wrong, she doesn't 'need' any help from any substance to have an episode at all. But drinking seems to be like throwing gasoline on the fire.

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[Notwendy]

I have spent time in ACA groups and CODA groups. I don't have an acohol issue and neither does anyone in my own family so I was puzzled when a counselor suggested it. But BPD mother did drink when we were at home and yes, we could tell when she was drinking and it did increase her rages- ACA and CODA have been helpful.

Dad didn't drink often.

The alcohol is an issue in itself but for my BPD mother, it was a form of self medication- to escape her emotional feelings by getting drunk and also raging.

What I learned in ACA is that the family dynamics where there is a family member with alcohol addiction are the same as the dynamics where there is someone with BPD. ACA has been modified to include "adult children of dysfunction". It would be helpful for your daughter.

You also might consider CODA. Alcohol and BPD sound like a "double issue" but what helps one of them also helps both of them.

[HurtAndTired]

My uBPD wife also uses alcohol to self-medicate and is much more likely to get dysregulated when she drinks. Like you, we are in our mid (her) and late (me) 40s. When we first met, we regularly drank on nights out and in and it rarely led to fights. As time progressed the relationship deteriorated and her abusive behavior got worse. We have been together for 12 years and yet it wasn't until three years ago that I realized how much alcohol led to her already low inhibitions and impulse control dropping to dangerously low levels and her becoming extremely dysregulated and occasionally violent. When I thought back to all of the times that she had physically assaulted me, every single occasion was after she had been drinking. Even with that insight, I probably would not have done anything to change the dynamic if it had just been me in the equation. Then came our son.

We now have a two-year-old son and he means the world to me. I finally found the courage to lay down healthy boundaries and strictly enforce them for his sake. I can and will not let him grow up watching me get abused. While it has been really hard for me, I have realized that I can no longer have a sixer on the weekend while watching the game or toss back a few cold ones when we have people over for a bbq. While neither of us is an alcoholic or problem drinker, her drinking (even one or two) causes problems.

I have also realized that if I have had more than one drink, I am less able to employ the tools that I need to be able to protect myself and my son. I cannot effectively validate using SET, my ability to not let her push my buttons is compromised, I am more likely to JADE, and I cannot safely drive my son and myself to safety if she becomes dangerously dysregulated. For my son's sake, I have had to completely quit drinking. Maybe someday when our son is older I will be able to enjoy some beers with buddies on an all-boys camping trip when mom is safely at home, but for now, it just isn't worth it. Since I have quit drinking altogether, I can more easily see how dysregulated she gets after a single drink and it is frightening. However, my clarity of thinking makes it easier for me to deflect her attacks and keep my guard up.

I also noticed earlier on in our relationship that her rages were tied to hormones. She used to blame her extreme and irrational anger on her birth control pills. Then she went off the pills and the rages got better. She is also much more likely to have an episode in the week leading up to her period. Pregnancy hormones made her extremely volatile and now that she is approaching menopause the rages are getting even worse. I was hoping that after menopause she would level out, but who knows? With HRT it sounds like things could get even worse.

My advice to you is this, take your own advice. You said that "drinking seems to be like throwing gasoline on the fire", so stop throwing gasoline on the fire. While you cannot stop her from drinking, you can stop being her "drinking buddy." When I think of my drinking buddies, we have a great time having some beers and sharing stories and music. Lots of smiles, lots of laughs, lots of love. Does that sound like the relationship you have with your wife when you are drinking together? I have had to come to the sad realization that my wife is not, never has been, and never will be my drinking buddy. She is, in fact, dangerous when she is drinking and has physically assaulted me on multiple occasions. I need all my faculties around her at all times, especially with our precious son in the picture.

Will she like you refusing to drink with her? No, she will hate it, but you need to do it for your own safety and sanity. Save the drinking for your real drinking buddies when she is nowhere around and you are safe. There is no advice to help with the hormones. I can only validate that I have had a similar experience and think you are dead on the money on your instincts on this. Not drinking with your wife will also give you the mental clarity needed to deflect and counteract her unacceptable BPD behaviors whether due to her drinking, her hormones, or just because it's Tuesday.