BPD Daughter Wants to Adopt

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have some serious family drama going on and nobody to talk to about it, so I'm very thankful for this website.  Quick recap, I have a 24 year old BPD daughter, a 22 year old daughter, and a soon to be BPD ex-wife for 25 years.

Okay, so my BPD kid lives on my property in a small cabin behind my home.  She hasn't taken her medications in 3 months and she's steadily been growing more unstable with severe mood swings and a lot of struggle.  She also has diverticulitis (serious stomach issues related to some foods) and when she's stressed, it whoops her physically as well...so she's in pretty tough shape right now.  I'm still painted white in her life and she trusts me implicitly, but when she's off the advice is often shrugged off.

My BPD kid has been talking about "big life news" for about a week now.  She told her mom and her sister the day before, and neither of them would tell me- they said it had to come from her.  So I finally get looped in last night- she's adopting a baby.  She tells me that she knows a 17 year old in Florida that got pregnant and can't tell her parents, yet doesn't want an abortion either.  The girl and her boyfriend decided the best path was adoption and she wants my BPD daughter to take the baby once it's born in early May.  Since they don't want the parents or other family finding out, their plan is to just travel the state for the next six months and figure it out as they go.

Obviously there's a lot wrong with that story- red flags everywhere.  And then there's my kid as a mother; she loves children and would try her absolute best...but she can't pay her own bills or level out mentally.  Bad choices after bad choices and I'm thinking this is a terrible idea for so many reasons, even if it might be good for her overall.  Her plan is to have a friend with twin 11 month olds move in the cabin with her to help pay the bills.  My daughter has the idea that they can both work full time while the other watches all three babies, and it will all somehow work out for the best.

But it gets worse, because I realized today that the pregnant mom is my great niece...or the granddaughter of my sister in law.  She had a pretty rough life; her mom (my niece) was never there and she was raised by my brother and sister-in-law.  My brother recently passed and my sister-in-law is still struggling...and now I know that her granddaughter is about to disappear from her life for about six months.

What the heck do I do?  If I tell my sister-in law or my niece, they're going to want the baby or tell her to get an abortion.  If I don't tell them, this will all explode later on when they find out what's happening.  And if I do tell, then my BPD daughter will probably never have anything to do with me ever again.  My BPD daughter can't get pregnant and wants a child more than anything in this world.  So it could be a blessing...I don't know what to think.

Anyway, outside opinions are very welcome at this point since I'm wrong no matter what I do.  Honestly, I hate that I figured this out...it would be so much easier not knowing who the mom was.  There's no going back though and I have to be the adult here.  What do I do?

[Pook075]

I have some serious family drama going on and nobody to talk to about it, so I'm very thankful for this website.  Quick recap, I have a 24 year old BPD daughter, a 22 year old daughter, and a soon to be BPD ex-wife for 25 years.

Okay, so my BPD kid lives on my property in a small cabin behind my home.  She hasn't taken her medications in 3 months and she's steadily been growing more unstable with severe mood swings and a lot of struggle.  She also has diverticulitis (serious stomach issues related to some foods) and when she's stressed, it whoops her physically as well...so she's in pretty tough shape right now.  I'm still painted white in her life and she trusts me implicitly, but when she's off the advice is often shrugged off.

My BPD kid has been talking about "big life news" for about a week now.  She told her mom and her sister the day before, and neither of them would tell me- they said it had to come from her.  So I finally get looped in last night- she's adopting a baby.  She tells me that she knows a 17 year old in Florida that got pregnant and can't tell her parents, yet doesn't want an abortion either.  The girl and her boyfriend decided the best path was adoption and she wants my BPD daughter to take the baby once it's born in early May.  Since they don't want the parents or other family finding out, their plan is to just travel the state for the next six months and figure it out as they go.

Obviously there's a lot wrong with that story- red flags everywhere.  And then there's my kid as a mother; she loves children and would try her absolute best...but she can't pay her own bills or level out mentally.  Bad choices after bad choices and I'm thinking this is a terrible idea for so many reasons, even if it might be good for her overall.  Her plan is to have a friend with twin 11 month olds move in the cabin with her to help pay the bills.  My daughter has the idea that they can both work full time while the other watches all three babies, and it will all somehow work out for the best.

But it gets worse, because I realized today that the pregnant mom is my great niece...or the granddaughter of my sister in law.  She had a pretty rough life; her mom (my niece) was never there and she was raised by my brother and sister-in-law.  My brother recently passed and my sister-in-law is still struggling...and now I know that her granddaughter is about to disappear from her life for about six months.

What the heck do I do?  If I tell my sister-in law or my niece, they're going to want the baby or tell her to get an abortion.  If I don't tell them, this will all explode later on when they find out what's happening.  And if I do tell, then my BPD daughter will probably never have anything to do with me ever again.  My BPD daughter can't get pregnant and wants a child more than anything in this world.  So it could be a blessing...I don't know what to think.

Anyway, outside opinions are very welcome at this point since I'm wrong no matter what I do.  Honestly, I hate that I figured this out...it would be so much easier not knowing who the mom was.  There's no going back though and I have to be the adult here.  What do I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Whew... I can see why you'd be nervous.

Now through May is a long time. Looking back, how often, when your D24 talks about "big life plans", has she followed through?

Can you do some research (for yourself, on your own) about "DIY adoption" and if it's even legal in your state? It may be that there will be some natural consequences to this whole scheme where you don't have to intervene, and instead the hospital will shoulder the "bad guy" role. I find it difficult to imagine that hospital staff would watch a mom give birth, and then watch that mom give the baby to "some other person" with no paperwork and a verbal "it's your baby now" statement, and would OK any of them walking out the door. If you can learn more about what is realistic, maybe knowing that there are safeguards in place could help you know that things won't get out of control, even if your D won't hear it from you.

If you asked your D "is Grandniece the mom", do you think she would answer you honestly?

[Pook075]

Whew... I can see why you'd be nervous.

Now through May is a long time. Looking back, how often, when your D24 talks about "big life plans", has she followed through?

Can you do some research (for yourself, on your own) about "DIY adoption" and if it's even legal in your state? It may be that there will be some natural consequences to this whole scheme where you don't have to intervene, and instead the hospital will shoulder the "bad guy" role. I find it difficult to imagine that hospital staff would watch a mom give birth, and then watch that mom give the baby to "some other person" with no paperwork and a verbal "it's your baby now" statement, and would OK any of them walking out the door. If you can learn more about what is realistic, maybe knowing that there are safeguards in place could help you know that things won't get out of control, even if your D won't hear it from you.

If you asked your D "is Grandniece the mom", do you think she would answer you honestly?

My daughter will 100% follow through on this and the stress of getting everything ready by May is already wearing her down mentally.  She's all-in no matter what at this point.

The state where the baby is (different from our state....which might make a difference) has a kinship adoption where it's pretty informal.  It's a two month process and the paperwork will be around $2k, which my kid doesn't have.  I've known about this for less than 24 hours though so I haven't researched further.

If I ask her point blank, she may tell me the truth.  My younger daughter already knew and when we talked today, I quickly figured it out.  When I said the pregnant girl's name, my kid just froze and said, "I refuse to say anything either way about that."  But then she followed it up with saying I couldn't tell anyone, it would be a huge battle, etc.

For now I'll sleep on it, there's no reason to do anything today.  I can't see a path where this doesn't completely blow up though.

[kells76]

Maybe the path forward is doing whatever you can "in your lane" to make sure that you and your property are legally protected.

Maybe that means giving your D24 a heads up that you'll be doing formal lease agreements if/when any non-family members move in, and you can frame that as "for their protection" if that makes it go over better.

Or, a heads up that "starting January 1st" you'll start doing the formal lease agreements, whether anyone else lives there with her or not. It wouldn't necessarily have to include new requirements for her -- you could start out at having it codify what the informal arrangement has already been.

Again, is there a framing that could make that announcement "less bad"? She wants to be a grownup, wants to adopt -- grownups sign leases, it's an adult thing to do. IDK.

But you don't need her agreement to move forward with setting up a formal lease.

Maybe worth a consultation with a local property lawyer and/or family lawyer?

[Pook075]

I'm not sure if this conversation can continue here since the topics can be triggering for some of our members. 

One thing I haven't shared yet is my daughter's sexuality...with both men and women.  She informed me last night that the baby will call her daddy, and that I would support her LGBT viewpoints on God if I wanted to be a part of the baby's life. I simply replied that it's her decision and I will not be bullied into forsaking my religious beliefs.

My daughter exploded and announced that she'd move her stuff out ASAP and I'll regret this the rest of my life...which I won't.  Not for this since I'm nothing without my faith.  My daughter has called several of our friends/family members to badmouth me while playing the victim in the past 24 hours, which is fine.  I will not respond or reach out because I'm not arguing over the core principal of my life. 

Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and I haven't ever judged her; in fact, I'm the only one in the family that hasn't and I've fought for her to rebuild relationships with others she's cast away.  However, I will call a sin what it is and let her know that she's not living the right way.  I wish there were answers for this somewhere but I've looked for years and come up empty.

[EyesUp]

Pook,

Sometimes humor is the only way to get through, so please don't think I don't recognize the situation. Caveats out of the way, it's like you hit BPD powerball.

- BPD stbx - divorce in process
- BPD daughter
- can't have a kid, wants a kid
- the kid happens to be a relative
- gender identity dynamics
- finances
- uncertain therapy / medication situation

Am I missing any major points?  As you know, many of us arrive here stymied by just one of these scenarios.

So I have to ask:  How are you doing at the moment?  What's your self-care MO?  No need to respond to me - but please be sure to take a moment or two for yourself in the coming days or over the weekend. 

About your daughter - I agree with Kells, May is far off. That's an eternity in BPD time. It sounds like you plan to get up to speed on how adoption works in your state. I'll offer this:  As a divorced parent, the need for a birth certificate comes up more often than I would have expected. Some of the situations I've encountered may or may not be on the menu for your daughter. For example, it's not easy to travel internationally with kids - even to Canada - without a passport and a letter of authorization from any parent who is not present...  You need a birth certificate to get a passport, and both parents must be present to do that.  I could go on.  I'm sure that in a proper/formal adoption process, this would be addressed. I do wonder how single parents manage, when one parent is completely absent for whatever reason. Your daughter is headed down a path that will repeatedly test her whenever it's time to register for school, etc., etc.

My sense is: Your daughter will likely need to slay a few bureaucratic demons to make this work. Thinking ahead, you might be able to somewhat sidestep the immediate issue and get in position to deal with what comes next.

I also hear you thinking that this might be a good thing, and wanting to see your daughter happy.  I get that.  But I'm sure you've seen the standard reply in this community to people who are considering having a child with a BPD partner - a baby doesn't improve the situation. It's just the opposite - it makes the relationship with a BPD partner even more complicated.  Is there a reason to think this doesn't apply to a parent-child relationship, as well? 

If for some reason, this process does not go forward now, your daughter may very well adopt at some point in the future - hopefully, ideally, with a committed partner who will coparent, and with all due diligence to ensure that the everything bears scrutiny in terms of process - so that there are no "gotchas" later.

I remember all too well how opportunities would emerge, and my uBPDx would become obsessed about something that hadn't really occurred to her just a week or two earlier.  e.g., we need to buy that house!   So many examples.  Maybe this one will take a different shape, somehow, between now and May.  They often do.

Hang in there.

[Pook075]

Pook,

Sometimes humor is the only way to get through, so please don't think I don't recognize the situation. Caveats out of the way, it's like you hit BPD powerball.

- BPD stbx - divorce in process
- BPD daughter
- can't have a kid, wants a kid
- the kid happens to be a relative
- gender identity dynamics
- finances
- uncertain therapy / medication situation

Am I missing any major points?  As you know, many of us arrive here stymied by just one of these scenarios.

So I have to ask:  How are you doing at the moment?  What's your self-care MO?  No need to respond to me - but please be sure to take a moment or two for yourself in the coming days or over the weekend. 

About your daughter - I agree with Kells, May is far off. That's an eternity in BPD time. It sounds like you plan to get up to speed on how adoption works in your state. I'll offer this:  As a divorced parent, the need for a birth certificate comes up more often than I would have expected. Some of the situations I've encountered may or may not be on the menu for your daughter. For example, it's not easy to travel internationally with kids - even to Canada - without a passport and a letter of authorization from any parent who is not present...  You need a birth certificate to get a passport, and both parents must be present to do that.  I could go on.  I'm sure that in a proper/formal adoption process, this would be addressed. I do wonder how single parents manage, when one parent is completely absent for whatever reason. Your daughter is headed down a path that will repeatedly test her whenever it's time to register for school, etc., etc.

My sense is: Your daughter will likely need to slay a few bureaucratic demons to make this work. Thinking ahead, you might be able to somewhat sidestep the immediate issue and get in position to deal with what comes next.

I also hear you thinking that this might be a good thing, and wanting to see your daughter happy.  I get that.  But I'm sure you've seen the standard reply in this community to people who are considering having a child with a BPD partner - a baby doesn't improve the situation. It's just the opposite - it makes the relationship with a BPD partner even more complicated.  Is there a reason to think this doesn't apply to a parent-child relationship, as well? 

If for some reason, this process does not go forward now, your daughter may very well adopt at some point in the future - hopefully, ideally, with a committed partner who will coparent, and with all due diligence to ensure that the everything bears scrutiny in terms of process - so that there are no "gotchas" later.

I remember all too well how opportunities would emerge, and my uBPDx would become obsessed about something that hadn't really occurred to her just a week or two earlier.  e.g., we need to buy that house!   So many examples.  Maybe this one will take a different shape, somehow, between now and May.  They often do.

Hang in there.

I appreciate the words of encouragement and you're right, this went from a possibility to an obsession in .00231 seconds flat.  It's the only thing that matters to my daughter right now and objective thinking has gone straight out the window.  It's all pure emotion with no filter and we've seen this many times before with friends and romantic partners.  My kid gets complete tunnel vision and the rest of the world becomes an obstacle.

I was a wreck last night but I've re-centered and accepted that this is something she will have to do on her own, without my help.  I've talked some with friends and non-involved family members, and I've realized that without my help on legal paperwork and housing, this is impossible and simply won't happen.  So I'll let my daughter decide what's more important- bullying her family with disordered thinking or having a chance at adoption.  In this case, she certainly can't have both.

At the end of the day, no matter how much chaos comes from the BPD's around us, we can choose to accept that it's just not our drama and we don't have to be in the middle of it.  I am very thankful life has somewhat prepared me for these moments and they're only a temporary setback.

Thanks so much for checking in with me!

[Pook075]

...it's like you hit BPD powerball.

I misread that the first time and it deserved it's own reply.  That my friend, is hysterical!  Please let me know if you find out where I can collect my prize!

[SaltyDawg]

I'm not sure if this conversation can continue here since the topics can be triggering for some of our members.

Put a trigger warning on top of your message, and then scroll down about 30 lines to make your post.

Example:

  Trigger warning, talk of sex, infidelity, transgender issues, etc.






















And then post your message here...

Keep your faith, stay true to your values; however, do continue to show compassion.  You have grown so much in the past year, it is amazing.

God or higher power, has a plan for each of us, he already has used me in amazing ways, as I am no longer physically able to do what I did before, he has shown a light on my new path where I can continue to make a difference and positively affect so many lives.  I also have learned from my walk, we worship the God as I have met holy men and women from all of the major religions and faiths, and each has something important to contribute.

I agree with doing self-care, I find that to be the central focus of staying sane through all of this insanity.

Pook,

Sometimes humor is the only way to get through, so please don't think I don't recognize the situation. Caveats out of the way, it's like you hit BPD powerball.

- BPD stbx - divorce in process
- BPD daughter
- can't have a kid, wants a kid
- the kid happens to be a relative
- gender identity dynamics
- finances
- uncertain therapy / medication situation

Am I missing any major points?  As you know, many of us arrive here stymied by just one of these scenarios.

So I have to ask:  How are you doing at the moment?  What's your self-care MO?  No need to respond to me - but please be sure to take a moment or two for yourself in the coming days or over the weekend. 

About your daughter - I agree with Kells, May is far off. That's an eternity in BPD time. It sounds like you plan to get up to speed on how adoption works in your state. I'll offer this:  As a divorced parent, the need for a birth certificate comes up more often than I would have expected. Some of the situations I've encountered may or may not be on the menu for your daughter. For example, it's not easy to travel internationally with kids - even to Canada - without a passport and a letter of authorization from any parent who is not present...  You need a birth certificate to get a passport, and both parents must be present to do that.  I could go on.  I'm sure that in a proper/formal adoption process, this would be addressed. I do wonder how single parents manage, when one parent is completely absent for whatever reason. Your daughter is headed down a path that will repeatedly test her whenever it's time to register for school, etc., etc.

My sense is: Your daughter will likely need to slay a few bureaucratic demons to make this work. Thinking ahead, you might be able to somewhat sidestep the immediate issue and get in position to deal with what comes next.

I also hear you thinking that this might be a good thing, and wanting to see your daughter happy.  I get that.  But I'm sure you've seen the standard reply in this community to people who are considering having a child with a BPD partner - a baby doesn't improve the situation. It's just the opposite - it makes the relationship with a BPD partner even more complicated.  Is there a reason to think this doesn't apply to a parent-child relationship, as well? 

If for some reason, this process does not go forward now, your daughter may very well adopt at some point in the future - hopefully, ideally, with a committed partner who will coparent, and with all due diligence to ensure that the everything bears scrutiny in terms of process - so that there are no "gotchas" later.

I remember all too well how opportunities would emerge, and my uBPDx would become obsessed about something that hadn't really occurred to her just a week or two earlier.  e.g., we need to buy that house!   So many examples.  Maybe this one will take a different shape, somehow, between now and May.  They often do.

Hang in there.

I agree with you EyesUp with everything you said to Pook, so I will merely 2nd it.

I like your comment on powerball, I can relate much more than most will ever know.

Take care with self-care.

SD

[kells76]

I'm not sure if this conversation can continue here since the topics can be triggering for some of our members. 

One thing I haven't shared yet is my daughter's sexuality...with both men and women.  She informed me last night that the baby will call her daddy, and that I would support her LGBT viewpoints on God if I wanted to be a part of the baby's life. I simply replied that it's her decision and I will not be bullied into forsaking my religious beliefs.

My daughter exploded and announced that she'd move her stuff out ASAP and I'll regret this the rest of my life...which I won't.  Not for this since I'm nothing without my faith.  My daughter has called several of our friends/family members to badmouth me while playing the victim in the past 24 hours, which is fine.  I will not respond or reach out because I'm not arguing over the core principal of my life. 

Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and I haven't ever judged her; in fact, I'm the only one in the family that hasn't and I've fought for her to rebuild relationships with others she's cast away.  However, I will call a sin what it is and let her know that she's not living the right way.  I wish there were answers for this somewhere but I've looked for years and come up empty.

It seems like a characteristic of BPD-type behavior can be the ultimatum of: "You pick: it [or him, or her, or them, etc] or me, you can't possibly have enough love or attention for both, and I have a bottomless need to be chosen over anything and everything else".

This can happen with people; for example, my H's kids' mom seems to have an unending need to be the "chosen, unabandoned" parent, which means that the kids are emotionally required to prefer her and be with her. Nearly every interaction with has the flavor of being a referendum on who is worthy/chosen/better and who is not.

This can happen with non-human situations, too: hobbies, work, and sleep have all come up on the boards.

In your case, it's happening with something less tangible (beliefs), yet the structure is still the same: your D24 may have a bottomless need to be chosen, and will "craft" situations that will give her "proof" of being chosen, preferred, better, on top, etc. She just happens to be doing it with "you pick: me or your beliefs, you can't possibly have both".

The issue does seem to be the structure of the interaction vs the content per se. Each member here has a different line in the sand in those situations, where different content has different value to others. What I mean is that while your beliefs might not be the line in the sand to someone else that they are to you, that other person might see adhering to a work schedule as a non-negotiable, while you might be more flexible.

As long as you can accept that she may try to use the [possible -- I still would be surprised if it happened] baby as currency/leverage with you, and you might never have a relationship with the baby, then it kind of seems like you're set to go -- you know what your values are and there isn't much you can do to convince her to feel another way.

[kells76]

I was a wreck last night but I've re-centered and accepted that this is something she will have to do on her own, without my help.  I've talked some with friends and non-involved family members, and I've realized that without my help on legal paperwork and housing, this is impossible and simply won't happen.  So I'll let my daughter decide what's more important- bullying her family with disordered thinking or having a chance at adoption.  In this case, she certainly can't have both.

Are there any circumstances under which you would help her with legal paperwork and housing?

Or are you more at a point of: "she's an adult, and she needs to figure this stuff out if she really wants it", even if she offers a "trade" of treating you better in exchange for your help?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Are there any circumstances under which you would help her with legal paperwork and housing?

Or are you more at a point of: "she's an adult, and she needs to figure this stuff out if she really wants it", even if she offers a "trade" of treating you better in exchange for your help?

There's a lot of backstory that I don't feel comfortable sharing here, but I'll say that the birth mother (my great niece) is 17, receiving bad advice, and ultimately being put in harm's way.  I can't elaborate but some very bad decisions have been made due to my daughter and other kids advice.  I'm the only "adult" that knows about this.

I can't do anything until I speak with my daughter, and I can't speak to her until she stabilizes.  My 1st priority will be the safety of my niece and I am hoping to possibly visit her this weekend or maybe the Christmas Eve weekend.  She's somewhere in Northern Florida...that's all I have so far.

Could I help my kid do this?  Yes, with some caveats.  My great niece and her health has to be the top priority, and this has to be done legally.  Also, the LGBT demands have to disappear because if this were to happen, it wouldn't be about my daughter...it would be about the baby.  All good parents know this- the kids always come first.

Again though, several conversations would have to take place first and since this is oozing with BPD instability, the next move is not mine to make.  If I don't reconcile with my daughter soon, I'll reach out to my great niece directly to make sure she has everything she needs to be healthy and stable.  She's scared out of her mind and my daughter can't be the one giving her advice since it's not in anyone's best interests.

Anyway, I'll give updates with this journey as they unfold.  My kid did just send me a Christmas song to listen to on Spotify so she's breaking the ice anyway.  We'll see.

[Tangled mangled]

There's a lot of backstory that I don't feel comfortable sharing here, but I'll say that the birth mother (my great niece) is 17, receiving bad advice, and ultimately being put in harm's way.  I can't elaborate but some very bad decisions have been made due to my daughter and other kids advice.  I'm the only "adult" that knows about this.

I can't do anything until I speak with my daughter, and I can't speak to her until she stabilizes.  My 1st priority will be the safety of my niece and I am hoping to possibly visit her this weekend or maybe the Christmas Eve weekend.  She's somewhere in Northern Florida...that's all I have so far.

Could I help my kid do this?  Yes, with some caveats.  My great niece and her health has to be the top priority, and this has to be done legally.  Also, the LGBT demands have to disappear because if this were to happen, it wouldn't be about my daughter...it would be about the baby.  All good parents know this- the kids always come first.

Again though, several conversations would have to take place first and since this is oozing with BPD instability, the next move is not mine to make.  If I don't reconcile with my daughter soon, I'll reach out to my great niece directly to make sure she has everything she needs to be healthy and stable.  She's scared out of her mind and my daughter can't be the one giving her advice since it's not in anyone's best interests.

Anyway, I'll give updates with this journey as they unfold.  My kid did just send me a Christmas song to listen to on Spotify so she's breaking the ice anyway.  We'll see.

Pook075,

Sounds like one of those between the devil and the deep blue sea situations.
IMO, I will pick the deep blue sea any day instead of the devil.

I see a classic bait and switch building up here Pook075. Many members here are stuck with grandchildren they have to raise.
With all factors keyed in about your daughter, even though we can force feed ourselves a ton of faith, I can’t see how this could work without you being roped in.

1) She hasn’t showed you clearly that she can live her life independently without your help-she’s barely paying the rent or bills for the condo.
2) Being a parent is not for the faint hearted- has she parented herself yet? As a single mother, there are days where I want to run away from it all because I feel so trapped and triggered by children’s behaviour and the emotional burden get much to bare. Now I am not a pwbpd, but I have cptsd and possible ADHD, I m able to reset after a good nights rest but imagine your daughter dealing with actual problems.

Remember that she wouldn’t be making this sort of decision without imagining that you and others in her family would bend over backwards to assist her.

Please take care of yourself and foremost. Guard yourself first and foremost.

[SaltyDawg]

Pook,

   I am with Tangled with her opinion.  Proceed with extreme caution, you are a caretaker, and a good one; however, it is easy to be caught up in the drama when your child has a child where there is a definite amount of F.O.G. to contend with having a child.  However, do put into place strong boundaries for your daughter that can perhaps persuade her to do the right thing for both your daughter and the yet to be born child - she will hate you for the boundaries and that will make it difficult; however, her welfare, and more importantly the unborn child's needs to be weighed and considered.  Your daughter doesn't have a choice to be a borderline; however, you do have the choice of not exposing this yet to be born child to this kind of dynamic.

   I know from first hand experiences, that more often than not, from my own personal observations, that mental health of this nature is more from the environment than from genetics, even though genetics do play a role in it.

   Your daughter has trauma, it is fair for the unborn child, once she/he is present in your lives to be exposed to this?  Speak to your pastor, or spiritual leader on this.  How do you keep this new life from being 'polluted in this world' by being exposed to borderline behaviors?  (James 1:27).

   Do what is best for the unborn child, so it does not become damaged (polluted); however, also support your child in all of this.  You are stuck between a rock and a hard placed right now, and it will require discernment when you are conflicted between your daughter and the unborn child.

   We are also taught to love our neighbor like ourselves (Matt. 22:39) - to me loving ourselves is self-care.  I know if I were in the unborn infant's shoes and had the knowledge, I would not want to be exposed to a borderline mother if it can be avoided.  Since the infant cannot defend itself, we must, by having the wisdom to know what we can change, and then make those changes.

   I know you are in a very difficult place right now.  Pray on it, meditate on it, and then act on it.

   Take care with self care.

SD

[CC43]

Pook, I'm so sorry that your situation has taken a turn for the worse.  It's bad enough that your daughter can't take care of herself independently; that she thinks she can care for a baby right now seems delusional.  Surely going off the medications has made her emotions and thought processes erratic.

It sounds like she and you are in a dark place right now.  Logic probably won't work, but if your daughter really wants to share her love with others, might she try something less extreme first, perhaps a puppy or a rescue dog?

I would worry that your daughter could bring the baby home with her; what would prevent her from acting as a long-term babysitter?  She probably hasn't worked through the rationale of legal guardianship.  You might need to work out an action plan if this were to happen, which could involve Child Protective Services.  Also, if you own your daughter's home, then as owner, you have a right to control who is living on the premises.  If someone tried to move in without your consent, I imagine you could call the cops for trespass.  I hope things don't go that far, but I've learned with BPD that extremes are the rule rather than the exception.

I see that you have everyone's best interests at heart, but that should also include your own best interests.  If your daughter takes that baby, then surely you would feel responsible for it for the rest of your life.  You've dealt with enough already.  Please put yourself first, because in this case, that's the best for everyone involved.  I've said a prayer for you.

[Pook075]

A lot happened over the weekend.  I finally got to talk with my BPD daughter Saturday morning and I confronted her with knowing who the baby's mom was.  But my kid denied it and I realized that if I was going to do anything about this, it would have to be outside of her.  So I called my BPD wife for a strategy session and we talked for several hours.

That conversation was sort of amusing because I asked my wife if she was ready to be the "good parent".  I knew if I contacted my sister-in-law directly about my niece being pregnant, my BPD daughter would probably never talk to me again.  My wife was highly against that though because she didn't want all the drama.  I can't say that I blame her because I don't want it either, LoL.

We decided on using a friend who lives close to my pregnant niece in Florida.  I typed out a very short letter, my friend wrote it out by hand, then he mailed it from a post office a few miles away from my sister in law (the legal guardian of my niece).   She should receive it today and I won't have any connection to it.  My kid should never figure it out either and there's no way my wife talks since it would implicate her as well.  It was initially my wife's idea.

So for now, I'm removed from the situation and I'll let the chips fall where they may.  My daughter still hasn't been home at all other than a few minutes here and there, but she has significantly picked up hours at work as well.  Really hoping to get her back on her meds soon but I have a feeling that it's going to take another crash/in-house visit for her to level out.

From the religious angle, I believe that God is greater and this ultimately is not my decision to make.  No, my kid should not have control of a baby when she's not stable herself, and I think my wife or I would ultimately have to raise it.  That should be our decision though, not my daughter's, and I am very glad we are 100% on the same page as parents anyway.

I'll give updates if I get any, but it would have to come from my sister-in-law since everyone else is stepping away from the situation.  My daughter has made it an absolute in her mind that she can't tell me the truth, so I don't think she will ever open up to me (or my wife) about this.  Once my sister-in-law knows though, then maybe that changes things since there's no secret to keep anymore.

[livednlearned]

BPD Powerball 

I don't have much to add in the way of advice, just hope that your daughter will be able to level off with minimum amounts of pain and suffering.

It seems unlikely that the caper will go off smoothly given those involved and I imagine your daughter will crash when she discovers things are unlikely to end the way she envisioned.

You mention being painted white prior to this episode, and her trust in you.

Is this the first spell in a long time where things have swung the other way?

[Pook075]

BPD Powerball 

I don't have much to add in the way of advice, just hope that your daughter will be able to level off with minimum amounts of pain and suffering.

It seems unlikely that the caper will go off smoothly given those involved and I imagine your daughter will crash when she discovers things are unlikely to end the way she envisioned.

You mention being painted white prior to this episode, and her trust in you.

Is this the first spell in a long time where things have swung the other way?

The first time in a little over a year, yeah.  I just got off the phone with my BPD wife since she's now the clear favorite while I'm discarded.  That sounds like a bad thing but in the current situation, it's actually a great thing!  I am free from the drama for now.

This week, a letter was delivered to my pregnant niece's grandmother (the adult she lives with) informing her of the baby.  My BPD daughter is positive it came from me, and I was instantly painted black and faced her wrath.  I didn't personally write the letter but I knew of it and wasn't against it...someone had to tell an adult that the girl was being misled. 

My BPD wife also knew of it and kept it to herself; she didn't defend me but didn't throw me under the bus either.  Our roles reversed though and she's now the "good parent" while I'm the evil one, which to me is pretty comical.  She's bashed her mom for the past 9 months and now she'll be bashing me...and I just can't be mad at that.

It's unfortunate I can't help my kid but to be perfectly honest, it feels good being out of the loop and not being lied to anymore.  The baby is due in May and there's no way my kid makes it that long without another crash, which is when I'll probably be involved once again.  I've learned to take it in stride though and help where I can...while also avoiding as many of the pitfalls. 

We all know here that BPD is a dance that none of us will ever master.  I appreciate everyone that's checked on me though and enjoyed my BPD powerball!

[Tangled mangled]

The first time in a little over a year, yeah.  I just got off the phone with my BPD wife since she's now the clear favorite while I'm discarded.  That sounds like a bad thing but in the current situation, it's actually a great thing!  I am free from the drama for now.

This week, a letter was delivered to my pregnant niece's grandmother (the adult she lives with) informing her of the baby.  My BPD daughter is positive it came from me, and I was instantly painted black and faced her wrath.  I didn't personally write the letter but I knew of it and wasn't against it...someone had to tell an adult that the girl was being misled. 

My BPD wife also knew of it and kept it to herself; she didn't defend me but didn't throw me under the bus either.  Our roles reversed though and she's now the "good parent" while I'm the evil one, which to me is pretty comical.  She's bashed her mom for the past 9 months and now she'll be bashing me...and I just can't be mad at that.

It's unfortunate I can't help my kid but to be perfectly honest, it feels good being out of the loop and not being lied to anymore.  The baby is due in May and there's no way my kid makes it that long without another crash, which is when I'll probably be involved once again.  I've learned to take it in stride though and help where I can...while also avoiding as many of the pitfalls. 

We all know here that BPD is a dance that none of us will ever master.  I appreciate everyone that's checked on me though and enjoyed my BPD powerball!

@Pook075
Just here to say, I’m glad you were not roped in and are free from the drama.
I guess it’s sad that you have now been painted black but to some degree there must be some relief worth enjoying in all this. One way or another you were going to be painted black, better sooner than later.
Happy holidays, hope you give yourself some much deserved self care.

[Pook075]

This story had a pretty sad conclusion today.

My 17 year old great niece went into labor last night- she was around 5 months pregnant.  The baby was born early this morning and passed away about 15 minutes later.

My daughter not involved in all this called early this morning to update me; my BPD daughter was in shock and had no idea how to respond.  I briefly talked to my BPD kid and told her how sorry I was, and she finally stopped the charade about my niece not being pregnant.  She plans on going to South Florida tomorrow to be with my niece...but they also plan on keeping the pregnancy from everyone else down there. 

It's still a complete mess and my kid will be institutionalized before all this plays out, so I'm planning on going to South Florida for New Years as well.  Since I want to avoid all the lies told to family members, I'll just visit a friend until things go even further sideways. 

I feel terrible for everyone involved and I can't imagine the guilt they must feel for all the bad choices that have been made the past few months.  One part of the story I didn't share...because I didn't know how...is that they tried home remedies to abort the baby before the "adoption path" was discussed.  That very likely could have been a factor here and I don't know how my BPD kid or my great niece will live with that.  Obviously stress played a factor as well since there were so many secrets and lies the young mom was trying to deal with.

I'm just...sad.  It's a sad day for everyone involved.

[kells76]

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Pook, I don't know about South Florida, but in Colorado they have a nonprofit to help mothers whose babies die: https://www.walkwithme-nonprofit.org/about

My niece's baby died shortly after birth and it sent a shock wave through her life and ours. It's been a year and we're still shook.

That nonprofit was a godsend for her. My hope is that your niece receives similar kindness and support.

I'm so sorry for the suffering involved, it's heart-breaking. 

[SaltyDawg]

 

Pook,

   We are here for you if you want to talk.  I know you are an excellent caretaker of your dear daughter and you have an excellent moral compass on doing the right thing in this tragedy.

   You are in my prayers tonight that God will give you the guidance and words to be your daughter's father.

   Take care, and be sure to do self-care too.

SD

[Turkish]

I had a lot of things to say since I'm the only adopted child of a single mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety... but it's irrelevant now. I'm so sorry that she lost her baby 

Take care, Pook075...

[EyesUp]

Hang in there Pook.

[Tangled mangled]

Pook075,

I’m so sore for this awfully sad turn of events.

I pray that all involved will find fortitude to bear this loss. Your great niece in my prayers, I pray she recovers from this.


Take care of yourself Pook.

[Tangled mangled]

*sorry*

[Notwendy]

Pook075-

I am sorry for your loss.

I also wanted to comment on your concern that some of the topics mentioned in your posts might be difficult for others.

BPD doesn't consider anyone's background- not their religion, country, politics, age, sexual orientation, or how they identify. Although people have differences - and BPD is a spectrum, I think we  all understand the feelings of people struggling with their relationships- and that is what comes through on your posts.

Regardless of your differences with your daughter, it is clear that you love her and are trying to do the very best you can with this situation.