Making sense of it all

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I was recommended to join this forum by my therapist, and would like to share my story as well as read those of others. Apologies for the length of the post, I am trying to trim it down, but I would like to share a full picture.

I met my ex-partner sometime in June of 2022. We met on a dating app, with this being my first ever date. The date was amazing; I held her hand, and she hugged me tightly while taking in art in a gallery. Things from this point were moving incredibly fast, faster than I was prepared for. After our third date, we were in a relationship. She would write me love letters full of compliments and affirmations. In one letter she wrote: "I hope this dream doesn't turn into a nightmare". This letter was full of both love and doubts. There was a level of suspicion and uncertainty in it that I found unsetttling. I ignored this feeling, and was grateful to receieve it. We would go onto exchange letters on every month of the day we met.

Soon after this, accusations of unfaithfulness and dishonesty would arise. Gaslighting while accusing me of gaslighting, even to the extent of giving me an ultimatum to go to therapy to solve my gaslighting issues, or she would leave.
Violence eventually began, with her scratching my face and beating me one night after I told her I was leaving her place due to her accusations. Bare in mind, I lived 2 hours away, and this occured at 4am.  My battery was dead, and there was no transport. I was forced to walk until I managed to find a nightbus, all the while having my face bleeding as if I had just been in a brawl. It was one of my worst memories with her. The following months we went from reconcilation to chaos. I had tried very hard to stop leaving during what felt to me as emotional abuse, however I was unable to stop myself at times, and eventually, she asked for some assurances to ensure I wouldn't abandon her, such as a civil partnership or marriage. I told her I would do this in the future. There was an opportunity for us to live together at my Grandmothers place. My grandmother had an entire floor above, which we would eventually move into. She would have to commute for 2 hours for work (she's a secondary school teacher), however she would save a lot of money in the process. I had initially decided I wouldn't move in with her. We had recently had a fight which lead to us 'breaking up'. On the same day, she had sex with another person which she was honest with me about and apologised. I took her back after she promised to seek therapy for her abusive behaviours, at this point I had no knoweldge of why she had these behavioural patterns. We did eventually move into this place, as she threatened to leave the relationship if I didn't.
We had gone on vacation prior to the moving in to Thailand. This trip brought us closer, however, we had a lot of fights over very petty things. We had also gone on a trip to her native France, a trip more memorable for the fights than anything else. When we returned, we started our new life at that place. After a hellish experience here, with contsant fights, I told her I couldn't stay here anymore. She permitted me to return back to my mothers place, however, this led to an eventual breakup. This was a breakup that looked to be quite final, as I began to have enough of the abusive cycles. She had came to see me, but I told her I didn't want to be together anymore. The following morning, she was violent with me. She left, and would call me the day after to tell me that she was pregnant.

She said she wanted to have an abortion, as she knew it was difficult between us. At first, I thought she was lying. We were not having sex at all, and I knew she had been seeing her ex several times. I freaked out, and in front of my mum, accused her of lying about this. However it turned out it was true. I told her I would support her through the abortion. I invited her to stay at my mothers place, where I would take care of her as she went through this difficult period, especially as this would be her second abortion. We would connect with eachother while she was here, I found myself rekindling my desire to stay with her, however this wouldn't last. She asked me the next day if I could help her to organise the abortion as soon as possible, as it was difficult. I decided to pay between 200 and 300 pounds for her to take a private call. She declined this call when it came, telling me she would only have the abortion if I promised to stay with her. I got upset here. I left the room, and when I came back, I asked if she could leave. At this point, she lost all control. She smashed my expensive TV, almost put a hole in the wall and became violent. I was unable to calm her down, and regretted what I had done. My mum was aware of what was happening, and threatened to call the police if she wouldn't leave. I decided to go back with her to my grandmothers, where I could care for her.
I helped her through the abortion in very difficult circumstances, and stayed with her for several days as she got back her strength. I would then tell her that I wish to return home and check on her during the day, as she was taking an extended time off from work due to the mental and phsyical complications of the abortion. She refused, as she felt unsafe staying at my grandmothers place after what had happened with my mother, despite my mother telling her that she could continue to stay there as long as she makes arrangements to leave. I helped her to pack everything, and eventually she found a place and left.
After leaving, she had contacted me and asked if we could get back together, I told her I wasn't sure that was possible. She contiued to try, and asked me to go to visit her, I accepted this, but we would eventually argue as she would say I mistreated her and abused her, which I was not willing to accept. Later, she even invited me to spend the new year with her in Paris, I told her I couldn't afford this, she had then offered to buy me a ticket, but I still declined. A few days later, she called again and asked if we could be friends. I told her that is not possible because I'm still in love with her. She then told me that she had moved onto a new relationship and was serious now with him. This broke me. I asked her why she had asked me all those things if she was already in a relationship. We argued again, and this time, she hung up, and I blocked her. I would later unblock her and apologise. She would accept, but then send me a selfie of her getting ready for her date with her new partner. This hurt me deeply.

After discussing with my therapist, he said, while he can't be sure as he hasn't diagnosed her, her behavioural patterns are very much akin to BPD. He asked me to look into this in more detail, while recommending this forum and the 'walking on eggshells' book. In doing so, I felt like I had an understanding for why things happened as they did. This led me into intese sadness and despair. I felt if I had been aware of certain triggers before, I would have better supported and managed her situation. This prompted me to send her a lengthy apology. I apologised for not being there for her when I knew she was in despair, such as the times I would leave the room after an argument. She would even stand infront of the door and not move, ensuring I couldn't leave at times. I told her that I love her, and I wish she waited for me before moving on. She told me it was too late, and that she has no interest in me anymore or her ex. She is happy with her new guy, who has promised her to have children with her within 6 months, and move back with her to her native France, with him also being a French national. I told her I would be willing to do the same. She asked me to leave her alone or she would be rude.

To summarise. The issue for me here, is that I didn't want to lose her. Despite the affects of BPD on the relationship, I wasn't ready to move on. I wanted to stay and try to manage her symptoms. I feel a stronge sense of rejection, I feel discarded and confused. As one day she was asking me to get back together with her. Now on New years eve, she is going to spend it with her new partner in Paris. The thought of this destroys me, I long for her back. I am in currently in severe emotional pain, not being able to sleep or eat. I have learnt that individuals with BPD often move on quickly this way. I am holding onto false hope that she will return. I'm unable to move on and would appreciate any support to end these feelings of greif and loss. All the love I had felt from her seems to have dispersed. I feel that I have made a grave mistake and lost the love of my life. I am crying every night, and if I do sleep, it's a nightmare regarding my ex.

Apologies for how messy this message is, I have tried to get as much as I can out there without explaining too many details. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

[Arsenal]

Hi,

I was recommended to join this forum by my therapist, and would like to share my story as well as read those of others. Apologies for the length of the post, I am trying to trim it down, but I would like to share a full picture.

I met my ex-partner sometime in June of 2022. We met on a dating app, with this being my first ever date. The date was amazing; I held her hand, and she hugged me tightly while taking in art in a gallery. Things from this point were moving incredibly fast, faster than I was prepared for. After our third date, we were in a relationship. She would write me love letters full of compliments and affirmations. In one letter she wrote: "I hope this dream doesn't turn into a nightmare". This letter was full of both love and doubts. There was a level of suspicion and uncertainty in it that I found unsetttling. I ignored this feeling, and was grateful to receieve it. We would go onto exchange letters on every month of the day we met.

Soon after this, accusations of unfaithfulness and dishonesty would arise. Gaslighting while accusing me of gaslighting, even to the extent of giving me an ultimatum to go to therapy to solve my gaslighting issues, or she would leave.
Violence eventually began, with her scratching my face and beating me one night after I told her I was leaving her place due to her accusations. Bare in mind, I lived 2 hours away, and this occured at 4am.  My battery was dead, and there was no transport. I was forced to walk until I managed to find a nightbus, all the while having my face bleeding as if I had just been in a brawl. It was one of my worst memories with her. The following months we went from reconcilation to chaos. I had tried very hard to stop leaving during what felt to me as emotional abuse, however I was unable to stop myself at times, and eventually, she asked for some assurances to ensure I wouldn't abandon her, such as a civil partnership or marriage. I told her I would do this in the future. There was an opportunity for us to live together at my Grandmothers place. My grandmother had an entire floor above, which we would eventually move into. She would have to commute for 2 hours for work (she's a secondary school teacher), however she would save a lot of money in the process. I had initially decided I wouldn't move in with her. We had recently had a fight which lead to us 'breaking up'. On the same day, she had sex with another person which she was honest with me about and apologised. I took her back after she promised to seek therapy for her abusive behaviours, at this point I had no knoweldge of why she had these behavioural patterns. We did eventually move into this place, as she threatened to leave the relationship if I didn't.
We had gone on vacation prior to the moving in to Thailand. This trip brought us closer, however, we had a lot of fights over very petty things. We had also gone on a trip to her native France, a trip more memorable for the fights than anything else. When we returned, we started our new life at that place. After a hellish experience here, with contsant fights, I told her I couldn't stay here anymore. She permitted me to return back to my mothers place, however, this led to an eventual breakup. This was a breakup that looked to be quite final, as I began to have enough of the abusive cycles. She had came to see me, but I told her I didn't want to be together anymore. The following morning, she was violent with me. She left, and would call me the day after to tell me that she was pregnant.

She said she wanted to have an abortion, as she knew it was difficult between us. At first, I thought she was lying. We were not having sex at all, and I knew she had been seeing her ex several times. I freaked out, and in front of my mum, accused her of lying about this. However it turned out it was true. I told her I would support her through the abortion. I invited her to stay at my mothers place, where I would take care of her as she went through this difficult period, especially as this would be her second abortion. We would connect with eachother while she was here, I found myself rekindling my desire to stay with her, however this wouldn't last. She asked me the next day if I could help her to organise the abortion as soon as possible, as it was difficult. I decided to pay between 200 and 300 pounds for her to take a private call. She declined this call when it came, telling me she would only have the abortion if I promised to stay with her. I got upset here. I left the room, and when I came back, I asked if she could leave. At this point, she lost all control. She smashed my expensive TV, almost put a hole in the wall and became violent. I was unable to calm her down, and regretted what I had done. My mum was aware of what was happening, and threatened to call the police if she wouldn't leave. I decided to go back with her to my grandmothers, where I could care for her.
I helped her through the abortion in very difficult circumstances, and stayed with her for several days as she got back her strength. I would then tell her that I wish to return home and check on her during the day, as she was taking an extended time off from work due to the mental and phsyical complications of the abortion. She refused, as she felt unsafe staying at my grandmothers place after what had happened with my mother, despite my mother telling her that she could continue to stay there as long as she makes arrangements to leave. I helped her to pack everything, and eventually she found a place and left.
After leaving, she had contacted me and asked if we could get back together, I told her I wasn't sure that was possible. She contiued to try, and asked me to go to visit her, I accepted this, but we would eventually argue as she would say I mistreated her and abused her, which I was not willing to accept. Later, she even invited me to spend the new year with her in Paris, I told her I couldn't afford this, she had then offered to buy me a ticket, but I still declined. A few days later, she called again and asked if we could be friends. I told her that is not possible because I'm still in love with her. She then told me that she had moved onto a new relationship and was serious now with him. This broke me. I asked her why she had asked me all those things if she was already in a relationship. We argued again, and this time, she hung up, and I blocked her. I would later unblock her and apologise. She would accept, but then send me a selfie of her getting ready for her date with her new partner. This hurt me deeply.

After discussing with my therapist, he said, while he can't be sure as he hasn't diagnosed her, her behavioural patterns are very much akin to BPD. He asked me to look into this in more detail, while recommending this forum and the 'walking on eggshells' book. In doing so, I felt like I had an understanding for why things happened as they did. This led me into intese sadness and despair. I felt if I had been aware of certain triggers before, I would have better supported and managed her situation. This prompted me to send her a lengthy apology. I apologised for not being there for her when I knew she was in despair, such as the times I would leave the room after an argument. She would even stand infront of the door and not move, ensuring I couldn't leave at times. I told her that I love her, and I wish she waited for me before moving on. She told me it was too late, and that she has no interest in me anymore or her ex. She is happy with her new guy, who has promised her to have children with her within 6 months, and move back with her to her native France, with him also being a French national. I told her I would be willing to do the same. She asked me to leave her alone or she would be rude.

To summarise. The issue for me here, is that I didn't want to lose her. Despite the affects of BPD on the relationship, I wasn't ready to move on. I wanted to stay and try to manage her symptoms. I feel a stronge sense of rejection, I feel discarded and confused. As one day she was asking me to get back together with her. Now on New years eve, she is going to spend it with her new partner in Paris. The thought of this destroys me, I long for her back. I am in currently in severe emotional pain, not being able to sleep or eat. I have learnt that individuals with BPD often move on quickly this way. I am holding onto false hope that she will return. I'm unable to move on and would appreciate any support to end these feelings of greif and loss. All the love I had felt from her seems to have dispersed. I feel that I have made a grave mistake and lost the love of my life. I am crying every night, and if I do sleep, it's a nightmare regarding my ex.

Apologies for how messy this message is, I have tried to get as much as I can out there without explaining too many details. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

[Pook075]

Hi Arsenal and welcome to the site.  I'm so sorry you've been through the ringer with this relationship.

One thing I noticed throughout your journey is that you wanted to leave, but felt determined to "fix her".  We've all been there and unfortunately, the only way for her to get better is by taking her mental health seriously.  It blew up with her ex, it blew up with you, and soon it will blow up with the new romantic partner as well. 

Why?  Because the problem here is mental illness.  It does check a lot of the BPD boxes and that could be what you're dealing with, but at the same time the diagnosis doesn't matter as much as her getting help.  The only way that happens though is if she's willing to get help and that is outside your control.  This will play out however it plays out regardless of what you say or do, and you must accept that to begin healing.  This is not your fault.

I will let others dig in deeper, but please feel free to ask questions.  Everyone is here for each other and we're rooting for you!

[once removed]

The issue for me here, is that I didn't want to lose her. Despite the affects of BPD on the relationship, I wasn't ready to move on. I wanted to stay and try to manage her symptoms. I feel a stronge sense of rejection, I feel discarded and confused. As one day she was asking me to get back together with her. Now on New years eve, she is going to spend it with her new partner in Paris. The thought of this destroys me, I long for her back. I am in currently in severe emotional pain, not being able to sleep or eat. I have learnt that individuals with BPD often move on quickly this way. I am holding onto false hope that she will return. I'm unable to move on and would appreciate any support to end these feelings of greif and loss. All the love I had felt from her seems to have dispersed. I feel that I have made a grave mistake and lost the love of my life. I am crying every night, and if I do sleep, it's a nightmare regarding my ex.

i didnt want to lose her, either.

looking back, i was very unhappy for most of the relationship, it was exhausting, it was beyond stressful, and yet, when she ended it, and jumped into a new relationship, i would have done anything to get it back.

this is, more or less, the story of most heartbreak.

the person on the receiving end isnt prepared for it. its like having the rug pulled out from under them. it does feel like rejection, and that can create a wound that can fester. and when it does, it can feel like the only way to heal or reverse those feelings, is the person that created them.

but like most ex partners, she cant. but they can heal. your life (or your love life) isnt over. it will get better. you can go from how you feel now, to ten times stronger than you ever were.

thats not to say it will be easy. what she did was a major blow, and its going to hurt, and it may hurt for a long time. it did for me. but it didnt, forever.

we get what youre going through right now. from this point forward, things can start to get better.

[jaded7]

Arsenal. There are many, many people here who have been through very similar patterns.

It is indeed painful. Extremely painful. We get it.

You did a good job writing all this out, I know in my first days here just writing it all out was helpful. I too was in the same state you are now in....couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, really couldn't' function. It's no fun.

Right now I think the best thing for you to do is take care of your physical health and mental health. I was lucky to have a friend who was a psychiatrist who noticed how bad I looked and he gave me some anti anxiety drugs to help sleep, which worked very well.

This is a blow, a really hard one. But you are lucky to have a therapist who knows this site and pointed you to it. It has been really healing for me. Read through posts, read through the help articles.

[Pook075]

Arsenal. There are many, many people here who have been through very similar patterns.

It is indeed painful. Extremely painful. We get it.

You did a good job writing all this out, I know in my first days here just writing it all out was helpful. I too was in the same state you are now in....couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, really couldn't' function. It's no fun.

Right now I think the best thing for you to do is take care of your physical health and mental health. I was lucky to have a friend who was a psychiatrist who noticed how bad I looked and he gave me some anti anxiety drugs to help sleep, which worked very well.

This is a blow, a really hard one. But you are lucky to have a therapist who knows this site and pointed you to it. It has been really healing for me. Read through posts, read through the help articles.

That's a great point- I had to visit my primary care physician shortly after the break-up because I couldn't sleep either.  The meds made a huge difference and I needed them for maybe 6-8 weeks.  There's no shame in that and it is a very smart move!

[PhoenixKnight]

Wow, that is an incredibly intense situation. I have to be honest and say all the way through I was just thinking ‘run, run, please god, run’. I know how hard it is though and have been exactly where you are.

My ex partner broke it off with me 11 (yup, eleven) times in 3.5 years. You have no idea how humiliating it is to write that down. I remember the first time she did it and triangulated with another man (only a couple of dates), it killed me. It coincided with my therapist telling me about the likelihood of BPD in her behaviour. I read 4 books, watched videos, joined this forum, all with the intention of becoming a better partner for her. We got back together (this is 18 months ago now), but nothing changed. No matter how you frame responses, the chaos continues. Unless she is willing to do the work, you cannot control someone else’s mental health. The worst thing is you just become more and more exhausted and resentful as you try to carry a relationship on your own. Tending to their every need whilst getting minimal emotional support in return. It is not a true relationship and it will destroy you.

My ex started to try towards the end. She accepted she had a problem (she states she has anxiety), but when our couples therapist started to put pressure on her to take accountability  of her actions and look to implement changes, she just couldn’t cope with the work needed. Her fight or flight was triggered and she bailed over the random-est argument ever. This was 3 weeks ago, but I  have nothing left in me to care. I’m now getting abusive texts because I’m in no contact and she feels victimised (she upped and left the house we shared in the night and never returned). Her victim mentality is actually quite impressive. Usually I would protest when I am told all these negative things, now I’m just letting her say it.

I know it’s hard, but this REALLY is for the best. She is not the love of your life. You are chasing an idea of someone who isn’t really there. A life in this relationship is a life of chaos. You deserve so much more than that. Choose peace.