Looking for Affirmation -- my family is not alone....

[NoEndInSight74]

After 30+ years, the journey with my brother continues and there is no end in sight. But in the past 3 years I'm coming to the realization that his illness has truly torn asunder our entire family. And now, though I know he is the one suffering and needing support, I just feel angry and disappointed that I, and my children, can't have a "normal" experience because every breath we take in our family is mitigated by BPD issues with my brother.

I'm exhausted, I'm losing all hope on this ever improving, and I'm thinking more and more of cutting him out of my life.

[anon331312]

Here's what I suggest:
1. Work with him to get therapy
2. If that doesn't work, LC/NC

You can't save people who refuse to be saved.

[zachira]

You are far from alone in wishing the nightmare with a disordered sibling would end AND you and your children could have healthier relationships with the rest of the family. Sadly the whole family is usually affected when there is one obviously severely disordered person whose disordered behaviors are enabled by other family members. I am LC with my brother with BPD, mostly NC with my sister with NPD, and considered the problem person by most of my large extended family for refusing to enable the abuse of myself and other family scapegoats to continue. If you do decide to cut out your brother from your life, be aware that you will likely receive little support from those family members who enable him. I feel so much better since I have limited my contact with my disordered family members, though it is a long painful process, and shocking to find out who the flying monkeys, the enablers are. I suggest you learn as much as you can about flying monkeys before you make any final decisions about the kind of contact you are going to have with your  brother, so you are prepared to protect yourself and your children in the best ways possible. What do you think?

[HappyChappy]

It sounds like you're very caring and understanding of your bro's condition, so I'm sure you've done the best you can for him. That's all we can do. But don't forget to priorities your own mental health, as when I "burnt out" I my capasity to help others went out of the window for a while. NC then LC means I can at least respond to genuine issues with my BPD mum (who's in her 80's) and weather the put downs - it cheers her up to put me down, so I just view that as my support these days. But over exposure to a toxic dynamic, it's healthy for me (and most people). Or in other words, this:

Here's what I suggest:
1. Work with him to get therapy
2. If that doesn't work, LC/NC

You can't save people who refuse to be saved.

[Cait]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are definitely not alone. My brother also has intense BPD that dominates our entire family dynamic (we're in our 30s and my parents are in their late 60s/early 70s). It got to the point where I would have panic attacks after interacting with him. After a decade of tolerating awful behavior, I have finally gone no contact. It is difficult sometimes to contend with the guilt/family pressure but I can tell you that my mental health is one thousand times better. I can focus on myself and my own family and allow my brother to be responsible for his own actions. As others have said, you need to focus on yourself and find a way to protect yourself from the dysfunction. Wishing you all the best.