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SaltyDawg
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« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2023, 11:50:20 PM » |
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Hello TP,
Has anyone successfully convinced or encouraged their pwbpd to seek therapy (to make that decision for themselves)? My dbpdw has been through therapy years ago and she is adamant that she doesn’t need it and it wouldn’t help her and that I am the problem in our relationship.
When the most recent round of couple's therapy started, my wife brought me to it, thinking I was the problem, and convinced the couple's therapist I was, as I did not push back once the therapist ignored my statement on the number of suicide attempts my wife has had, at that time it was 5 times (it is now six). That was 4 years, 4 months ago. About a year into therapy, the therapist convinced my wife to do her own individual therapy, and progress started ever so slowly. About 1 year 5 months ago, I started to push back during couple's therapy, where that couple's therapist realized she was wrong, and she gave me several parting gifts on how to push back on therapists, showed me my wife was bluffing on divorce threats. Therapy is only as good as the information the therapist gets, and if the T gets a false narrative, then the therapy will be based on a false narrative which is ineffective. It is good to go with her, so you can provide the therapist a more accurate account of the issues.
Today she suddenly announced: “I’m p*ssed off about everything all the time and I’m p*ssed off that I’m p*ssed off about everything and that I’m coming across to our kids like I’m always p*ssed off.”
P*ssed off may not be used so much in USA but it’s somewhere on the scale of irritated to angry. It sounds almost like an admission that she recognises she has a problem? I didn’t say anything but just wondered if there’s a way I could use this to encourage her to get help with her unhappy state, I know she will still have bpd but maybe could learn to manage herself better if that’s what she wants…
Being P.O.'d is also used in the USA. A synonym is being 'ticked off', or extremely annoyed. It would not hurt to open a dialog by dropping a seed of "it wouldn't hurt if you were to talk with someone about why you are so PO'd at this so you aren't quite so upset with everything. What do you think about this, luv [pet-name]?" Use the seed-planting tool here, and see if it germinates.
Btw I believe this was in response to an incident where D4 told her that she wanted to hold my hand not hers and when asked why told my wife she liked me and not w. This was obviously hurtful but thankfully we were in a public place so w took it calmly.
'Out of the mouth of babes' - until D4 learns how to be tactful and hide their feelings which in-turn hurt your wife's feelings, children will be brutally honest when expressing their feelings - much like a borderline does. Your D4 obviously feels more safe with you than your wife, so you are the 'safe parent'.
Circling back to your original question of leading your wife into therapy - be gentle, speak to her feelings, and encourage her to go, and if she feels comfortable do it together. Plant the seed now, and whenever your wife becomes agitated, revisit the topic. If you have mutual friends, or playmate parents, with similar issues, open a dialog in front of them too being mindful not to bring up the more serious issues of bpd and your wife's past abuse.
Take care with self-care.
SD
P.S. btw, I will be offline for the next several days, until Thursday, but will try and pop in from time to time.
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