Texts from mother before Christmas

[zanyapple]

“Our grandkids are already older, you’re already 40, , I’m 72, we’re all already old ,if you get mad all the time it will make you look old , time flies so fast, you can’t turn back time , what is done can not be undone, our vacation there is useless kay cuz you spent your time with scoldings, pouting, giving me the angry “ tiger look”, negative gestures, insults, impatience, it’s exhausting, and looking back is not worth it, it’s extremely stressful , depressing and sickening , !

I hope God will soften up your heart to be more forgiving and patient cuz a happy heart is a beautiful heart that makes a difference..it makes the world a better place for everyone to live

[zanyapple]

Hmm, it’s strange how I lose part of what I’ve typed if I do this on mobile. But I’m reposting it again:

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday despite what we’re all going through! I hope next year will be a great year for all of us in this wonderful community!

[HappyChappy]

Sorry you got that text in the Festive Season, it’s full of showed waiving and triggering comments. The “tiger look” sounds cool though, if you’ve got such a thing.

It's extremely hard for someone with BPD to admit their bad behaviour, especially at 73. That text seems to acknowledge a less than perfect past, but the safe place for someone with BPD is to avoid blame. Not sure why she mentioned God as tigers aren’t mentioned in the Bible. Have a great Christmas, "we're all Gods creatures."

[Sappho11]

The disjointed syntax would be enough to give away the mental disorder. But then the content... what the hell are "negative gestures"? It's clear even to an outsider that her perception has ZERO to do with reality. These are the ramblings of a woman who isn't sane.

And when you think it couldn't possibly get more outrageous, she uses "God" to try and guilt you into taking more abuse.

No. Just no.

Hold on to yourself, zanyapple. You don't have to accept this.

[Tangled mangled]

“Our grandkids are already older, you’re already 40, , I’m 72, we’re all already old ,if you get mad all the time it will make you look old , time flies so fast, you can’t turn back time , what is done can not be undone, our vacation there is useless kay cuz you spent your time with scoldings, pouting, giving me the angry “ tiger look”, negative gestures, insults, impatience, it’s exhausting, and looking back is not worth it, it’s extremely stressful , depressing and sickening , !

I hope God will soften up your heart to be more forgiving and patient cuz a happy heart is a beautiful heart that makes a difference..it makes the world a better place for everyone to live

@Zanyapple,
This right here!
I don’t know how you continue to relate with her . Her accusations are admissions. Zero accountability and the use of God to get you to submit to her abuse.

My parents also had issues with my facial expressions- when ever I reacted with unhappy facial expressions it was because I had a bad mind and there was always a bible verse to counter my feelings. Eg honouring my parents so my days will be long and frowning my face was not honouring my parents.


Hope you didn’t let that affect you too much because you have come a long way. You will surely get to place where you have become so detached from her drama such that her antics no longer affect you anymore. I’ve reached a point where I burst out laughing whenever my toxic FOO are up to their antics. I treat it as comedy now.

Take care, you’ve got this.

[zanyapple]

Sorry you got that text in the Festive Season, it’s full of showed waiving and triggering comments. The “tiger look” sounds cool though, if you’ve got such a thing.

I honestly have no idea what the "tiger look" is. I have never intentionally given her a "look". She's always had a problem with this, and it's not only with me. She accused people of "giving her a look" because apparently, they are upset at her for some reason.

The disjointed syntax would be enough to give away the mental disorder. But then the content... what the hell are "negative gestures"?

I would interpret this as maybe passive-aggressive behavior like slamming doors...? Which, by the way, I've never done. She's always complained that as a child, I've always been "passive". But yes, I know I'm mostly just stoic, at least with the way I look.

She's always had a problem with this because she's always wanted me to be more expressive and demonstrative.

I had a cousin who was really affectionate with her in both words and actions, and my mother really fell for her to the point that she'd make my life extra difficult. She even told me that "I was jealous of my cousin because she's prettier than me" only because I told my cousin her shoes were bright red. But that wasn't out of jealousy or anything; I wasn't trying to insult or make fun of her. My cousin and I were very close.

[zanyapple]

@Zanyapple,
This right here!
I don’t know how you continue to relate with her . Her accusations are admissions. Zero accountability and the use of God to get you to submit to her abuse.

My parents also had issues with my facial expressions- when ever I reacted with unhappy facial expressions it was because I had a bad mind and there was always a bible verse to counter my feelings. Eg honouring my parents so my days will be long and frowning my face was not honouring my parents.

I read this somewhere too, and I'm so sorry you went through it yourself.

To be honest, I don't have a problem with her thinking this if she keeps this to herself. The main problem here is her being accusatory and believing her paranoid thoughts to be true. She had many more accusations against me growing up that were completely false; she would even really force me to admit them.

Hope you didn’t let that affect you too much because you have come a long way. You will surely get to place where you have become so detached from her drama such that her antics no longer affect you anymore. I’ve reached a point where I burst out laughing whenever my toxic FOO are up to their antics. I treat it as comedy now.
 

I'm so happy for you and hope to be in that same position soon. I've had therapy, but none of them resonated with me, so I'm still in search of someone.

Do you have any tips on what helped you? How long of a process was it?

Thank you everyone for your encouraging responses! Everything with her has been increasingly difficult with her and I really appreciate your responses <3

[Methuen]

“Our grandkids are already older, you’re already 40, , I’m 72, we’re all already old ,if you get mad all the time it will make you look old , time flies so fast, you can’t turn back time , what is done can not be undone, our vacation there is useless kay cuz you spent your time with scoldings, pouting, giving me the angry “ tiger look”, negative gestures, insults, impatience, it’s exhausting, and looking back is not worth it, it’s extremely stressful , depressing and sickening , !

I hope God will soften up your heart to be more forgiving and patient cuz a happy heart is a beautiful heart that makes a difference..it makes the world a better place for everyone to live

She’s projecting her inner demons and feelings about herself onto you. 

“If you get mad all the time it will make you look old”.  She’s afraid of looking old.

“time flies so fast, you can’t turn back time , what is done can not be undone”.  This is her not being accountable for past behavior and being entitled to a free pass.

“our vacation there is useless kay cuz you spent your time with scoldings, pouting, giving me the angry “ tiger look”, negative gestures, insults, impatience, it’s exhausting, and looking back is not worth it, it’s extremely stressful , depressing and sickening , !” This attack is her defense.  And probably more projection…

The word “sickening “.  Just. Too. Much.

Not a thing a healthy mother would say ever. Healthy people filter those thoughts from being verbally expressed.

Bringing God into it feeds her “holier than thou” ego.

Anyone would be upset receiving this text.  It’s a blaming attack meant to hurt.   But think of it as verbal vomit - her feelings about herself being projected onto you so she doesn’t have to feel them about herself anymore.

Don’t let her be the Grinch that stole your Christmas.

Let her have her feelings.  And let yourself feel your own - not hers.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[zanyapple]

She’s projecting her inner demons and feelings about herself onto you. 

“If you get mad all the time it will make you look old”.  She’s afraid of looking old.

Anyone would be upset receiving this text.  It’s a blaming attack meant to hurt.   But think of it as verbal vomit - her feelings about herself being projected onto you so she doesn’t have to feel them about herself anymore.

Thank you, Methuen. The first line has always been triggering to me because she always resorts to ad hominem for as long as I can remember.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this in this forum before, but growing up, I felt very insecure of my dark gums because if she's upset at me, she calls me "black gums". She has this superstitious belief passed down by mother about "how people with dark gums are inherently traitors."

How could she even say this to her own child? I thought mothers cherish their children's appearance unconditionally, embracing flaws and imperfections?

I talked to her Christmas and New Years, but I kept the conversations short. Sometime during the holidays, she left me a few hysterical voicemails after she saw her opthalmologist saying her retina had a hole, but when I called her back the next day, she sounded fine.

[SweetSass]

My Bpd Queen/Witch mom tries to channel goodness by preaching forgiveness, as if she is this deeply pious person. 

In my case, it’s all an act because nothing makes her feel more powerful and superior than backstabbing me and then gaslighting me or fake sobs that she loves me so much.

My very emotionally immature mother figures she can always avoid accountability by simply admonishing me for not accepting her fake apology which consists of “I’m sorry if you got confused or took it the wrong way.”

She just wants to win and will say anything to maintain contact. 

If she wants to think I am bitter or a bad person bc I refuse to accept her fake apology, that’s my right. 

I think a part of our inner child always yearns for our parent’s approval.

 Learning about trauma bonds has helped me let go of her baseless accusations that I am unforgiving.