Breaking up and head is spinning

[DS82]

So I don’t know what I’m doing here exactly other than I was reading articles on the site about going through a breakup with someone with BPD and it seemed refreshing that someone actually gets what my relationship has been like. I broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half today. We’ve broke. Up probably 15 times, but I think this is finally it. The relationship has been so unstable I don’t tell friends or family anything, even when we break up. It has been so intense with so many highs and lows, so many episodes that anyone else would end over. So many things that anyone would tell me I should leave over. It’s brought out the crazy in me. I believe her and I both have BPD. All the evidence says we’re incompatible as there is SO much conflict. But since the day we met, we’ve communicated from the moment we wake up until we go to bed (and when we wake up throughout the night). I was happier than I’ve ever been the first few months together and feel like I’ve been chasing it ever since. I don’t know how to move on and with my own issues, I’ve always jumped from one relationship to another or stayed with someone too long because I didn’t want to be alone. I have kids and need to be healthy and good for them. My mood and how I treat them has been affected way too much based on the status of the relationship, which all too often has been fighting. She’s been my sole focus, and I don’t know how to get motivated to move in a different direction. There’s also this fear of regret as I remember how good it has been at times and I think about her passion for me and even the things she’s put up with from me. I feel like I’ve made such a big investment, sharing more about myself than I ever have, the things we’ve been through, and it’s hard to walk away from it.

[Schlaff]

I would be interested to hear more about your experience, since you mentioned you think both of you might have BPD.

After a bit of thought, I think the focus here needs to be on *you*, not your ex. There's tons of tools about how to approach things when one person has BPD or BPD traits, but if you even suspect you both might? That relationship becoming anything resembling healthy is a long shot at best. Also, you are posting on the Detaching board, so I assume you either know it is/should be over, or want it to be.

Now for the good news!

You're here. You are sharing your story with this board. The simple fact that you are reaching out and want to make sense of this, and better yourself, is ENORMOUS, imo. I'd wager this is something a lot of us on this forum would have given a kidney to see out of our people with BPD. It's maybe even an indication by itself, that you don't have BPD. I certainly can't say, as someone with no formal education in the area and after seeing one paragraph from ya, but it's something to think on.

I suspect more great posts to follow, I got a ton of help here, going through my crap. In the meantime, browse the assessments and tools on this site, and I would definitely recommend therapy. 

[Pensive1]

re: "I believe her and I both have BPD."

I've read that people with BPD have an increased probability of getting into a relationship with someone else with BPD (or someone with NPD, or someone with codependent traits/a heightened self-sacrifice schema).

I'll note that a relationship with someone with BPD (or NPD) can sometimes be so unstable/difficult that it can result in BPD-type behaviors in a partner who doesn't actually have BPD. But I'll mention a couple options I became aware of, if you do have BPD and want to persue therapy for yourself. Many people are aware of Dialectical Behavior Therapy as an option for treatment of BPD (I think it's the most widespread treatment modality for this), and many are also aware of Mentalization-Based Therapy (which also shows good efficacy). I recently came across a network meta-analysis that suggests that Schema Therapy might have even greater efficacy than DBT in treating BPD: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10277776/
"ST [Schema Therapy] appeared to be more effective in treating borderline severity in adults diagnosed with BPD than several other active treatments, including CBT, DBT, and PDP, however, these comparisons were only based on three trials, so this should be considered with caution."
I'll note that the dropout rate for Schema Therapy appears lower than for DBT. Though I'll also note that many localities lack clinicians trained to provide Schema Therapy.
Also, I came across a woman who provides coaching for BPD recovery https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=Pcy2S-8MkOg
I first came across her when I saw her mentioned as a useful resource by a therapist who treats patients with BPD (and I've spoken with her).

Welcome to this board. I hope you find support and tools for healing here.